The culmination of the vacation

There is one thing I love about the holiday season. No, not gift giving. Or eating, although I've done enough of that for everyone this year... It's the vacation. I get a shit load of it. Because where I am employed is ruled with an iron fist by a large and powerful union, we get quite a few days off around Christmas and the New Year. Although this year sucked, because Christmas and New Years are on weekends... I've still had way too much time off.

Have I mentioned that I get a crap load of vacation yet? Are you jealous? I hope so. I'm jealous of myself, really...

Anyways, you may all be wondering what I have been doing with all this time off... So, things I have done (or have happened) on my vacation, which is only less than half over mind you...

- I got drunk. And puked. Like five times. The night before Christmas Eve we went out and whooped it up. Big f-ing mistake people. I said I was only going to have one. One turned into eight, with a couple of shots. It turns out that Christmas Eve SUCKS when you are hung over. I thought I said that I was never going to do this shit again... I'm just glad I don't have my own kids yet (we'll get to that).

- We were invited to be swingers. Doesn't that sound fun? Um, no, it's actually quite uncomfortable. The worst part I think is the fact that she asked him to marry her. And she was trying to get us to swing. Can you see what the problem in this relationship is? He has no balls. I'd be willing to bet that she might actually have some. I'm not taking the chance that she pulls out whips and chains and beats my ass... "Uh, I think we're going to pass on the domin... er, swinging tonight. Yeah, we just have the whole Christmas Eve with the family thing going on tomorrow..." Yikes. *Note to self - never answer their damn phone calls again...

- Sex. Yeah, it turns out this getting pregnant thing is a little more complicated when you are actually trying. When you're not, then it all works out. So, we're back to having sex. A lot. My boys may think this is funny now, you know, screwing off when they get in there and are supposed to be looking for the Mother Ship... but let me tell ya, if this goes another month, no one is going to be laughing then...

That's all for today. I'm off to play with my presents.

peace nick

Uh, thanks for the Christmas ca... HOLY CRAP!

I'm weird about Christmas cards. I don't like them. Not because I don't think they are a nice gesture, but because some people go all out and get everyone they've ever even run into a card.

"Hey Janice, remember me? You know, I'm the guy that you bumped into that one night at the bar when I was walking by with four beers in my hand. Yeah, that was me. Yup, the loud obnoxious table... Uh, yeah, I actually do still hang out with those guys... Well, anyways, here's your Christmas card."

Every year I end up with about 15 Christmas cards from people I would have never expected to get one from. You end up feeling like a cheap ass, because you reserve your Christmas wishes for those people that you actually care about.

Now I'm even more distressed because people have actually taken it a step further, and people I hardly know are buying me presents to go along with the Christmas cards... that I never expected. Not only just presents though. The worse presents of them all... scratch off lottery tickets.

Scratch off lottery tickets do not make good presents. Either the person wins jack shit, and their "present" is now just a worthless piece of paper. "Wow, thanks, now I feel like an even bigger loser than before. Not only did I not buy you a card OR present, but the present you bought me, is, uh, worthless..."

Or they win. And then there are weird feelings. Do you share the money you just won from their present? Do you not? How much do you share? Is it based on some calculation, like, winnings divided by years known, multiplied by a safety factor of 1.2?

Today I got a Christmas card. From someone I barely know. With a scratch off lottery ticket in it.

I won.

$100.

I honestly didn't want it. I tried to give it back. Of course, they wouldn't be able to take it back, that would be weird... but I had to at least try. I didn't deserve a $100 present from this person. I barely know them, and... I didn't get them anything. No card. No present. I probably wouldn't have even wished them a Happy Holidays, or whatever the stupid politically correct saying is this year...

I didn't want the money. I couldn't give it back. So I did the next best thing... I took everyone out to Chinese buffet. It's really a gift that keeps giving... I ended up with $60 left over... and I don't look like a cheap ass.

I'm brilliant, I know... But my motto is, when life hands you a lemon, sell it and go get some Chinese...

peace nick

Daddy, can we go to the beach today???

I don't ever want to hear any of you complain about your weather... Or global warming...

*Update - this was from last year on Christmas Eve. This. Is. Holy. Shit. Cold.

This brings back some fun memories... I remember we had to wait on the back porch when we let the dogs out to make sure that as soon as they pee'd, they got their butts back in the house. Otherwise their feet would literally freeze and we would have to run out and carry them in.

Yeah... turns out carrying a 95 pound Rottweiler in -11F temperatures is not as easy as one might think...

peace nick

How can girls be so mean?

So I open the internet to do some lunchtime browsing. I'm even thinking of this post I want to write. So I start looking for this picture of this chick in this Nokia commercial, Jill. The commercial is basically Jill sitting on her bed, talking about how she dumps her boyfriend, David, and finally erases his name from her Nokia phone. It's stupid, but if you look closely, at the end of the commercial, her eyes like bug out of her head as she's talking. Now that would have made for one funny post....

Anyways, so, I'm looking for this picutre, because I was sure that someone beat me to it and posted it somewhere... I mean, this is the internet for crying out loud...

Instead. I find... http://www.mensactivism.org/article.pl?sid=05/12/06/202225&mode=threaded&threshold=-1

Oh. My. F-ing. God.

How did I find it? Well, turns out they either wrote a letter in reference to this very commercial, or just posted one, that was sent to Nokia accusing it of "misandry", and complaining that it was "MEAN SPIRITED and supports the offensive societal bias that male bashing is perfectly acceptable, desirable, and even fun." The letter goes on to point out that the viewing audience actually knows nothing about poor David, and questions why we should side with Jill.

IT'S A F-ING COMMERCIAL FOR A PHONE YOU SISSY! I don't think they're asking you to F-ING SIDE WITH JILL!!!

I'll tell you what I would like to do... I would like to file a lawsuit on behalf of all men who are NOT ninnies to have this website shut down, and have all their members executed. I'm just shocked that there is a website out there, with a bunch of pansies who just cry and whine about "misandry" and "mean spirited male bashing". I'm shocked. I really am.

I don't even know what the hell misandry means...

Let me go find out... uh... google... misandry... A HA!

mi·san·dry (mĭ-săn'drē) n.
Hatred of men.

Are these people serious? It is actually a word? I always thought the word for hatred of men was "playa-hata".

I don't get it. Are these gay guys? No, that can't be. Gay guys are always friends with women. Who are these people? And what the hell are they doing trying to represent all men in the quest to end misandry?

Have no fear, my fellow non-ninny-men... I will not rest until these people are dead. All three of them.

peace nick

This blog is too much pressure...

I really hope all of the sex I've had in the past week results in the conception of a child, because I'm just running out of topics for you guys. It's not that I don't have the desire to write, it's just that I have the desire to be interesting, and nothing seems all that interesting lately.

I was going to write a post about gay marriage, since it looks like Wisconsin will be another state to vote on banning it next November. Too intense though.

I could talk about how I played poker on Saturday for nine and a half hours and won $75. Boring.

Or how I forgot to call the hot wife and let her know that I wouldn't be home until 3:30 the next morning… let's not go there...

I could talk about a conversation that occurred in the above mentioned poker game about a friend who is potentially interested in another friend's ex-wife, who just so happens to be friends with the first friends ex-wife. Nah… too soap operaish.

Or how you shouldn't get your meat where you make your bread, which was my advice to the first friend's comment that he wanted to get with a co-worker. Bleh. I don't even know how to make that funny or interesting. But you shouldn't do it, either way.

eh, I've got nothing.

peace nick

When I was your age...

Amy has a nice little post about her son's 14th birthday. I feel like I'm just piggy-backing off of everyone else's posts lately... Anyways, he gets to go out for pizza and then off to the movies. That's awesome. You know you have a great kid, and did some good work, if he's satisfied with that at 14.

When I was 14, things were different. Not that my parents were bad parents... let's just say I was sneaky. And bad. Here are some things I did when I was 14, just to make all you parents shit your pants...

- I shaved my head, except for my bangs. It was somewhere between a girl's skinhead, and a retarded skateboarder's cut. It was nasty, but it was low maintenance.

- I was a punk. I listened to bands like Wasted Youth, the Exploited, Chaos UK, Circle Jerks, etc. A wide range of anti-establishment music that you probably don't want your kids listening to...

- I did acid for the first time. And second time. And a whole bunch of times after that. My first time was the night of our freshman dance, 9th grade. 9th grade... good lord, I was the poster child for kids you don't want your kid to hang out with.

- I tried crack. Behind my friend's garage one day, a friend pulled out some rocks. I have no idea where they got this crap. No one would do it, so I offered. Put it in a pot pipe, lit it up, and CRACK! It popped right in my face. Hence the name crack I guess... I don't think you're supposed to smoke it in pot pipes...

- I smoked pot. A lot. I started smoking pot in 8th grade. My friends were dealers. sigh... "I just don't know where he wrong..." I'm sorry Mom.

- I got pulled out of gym class because they received information from the high school that I had a gun. I didn't. My friend did. He got drunk before school, had a gun and was going to shoot his Art teacher. He shot up the back of the school instead. This was years before Columbine.

- My friend jumped a kid right in front of the principal's office one morning. Right in front of his girlfriend. He was telling people we stole a shotgun out of a police car. He shit his pants and had to go home. Poor kid...

- We used to smoke under the bridge before school. Pot, cigarettes... whatever. It's amazing I still remember some of the 8th grade Spanish I took.

- I skipped my first class in 9th grade. My 3 friends got caught. I got away with it. I had good friends in high places...

Ummm, parents, just be glad your kids didn't hang out with me when I was 14. Know who they hang out with and what they're doing. If they bring anyone around like me... kill them.

peace nick

Going t'California with an aching... in my heart...

Lulu has a wonderful post describing 10 ways she would spend a winter in Wisconsin. Well, I've spent way too many of them here, so thought it would be fun to spend one in California... Let's begin.

1. It's beginning to look a lot like... a beach party!

2. Christmas shopping on Rodeo Drive. That's hot.

3. Suddenly, running around the block naked on New Year's Eve doesn't seem all that impressive... but I'd do it anyways.

4. Sex in front of a fire, but on the beach, instead of the living room. I guess just sex on the beach.

5. Mow the lawn in December. Literally and figuratively.

6. ring, ring... "Yeah, Nick (Lachey)? Yeah dude, I'm in California for the whole winter dude! Yeah, I know, rocks! What, you wanna go pick up some chicks in H-Wood? Cool dude, come pick me up!"

7. I hear they have, like, $20 martinis in California. I'm so gettin' wasted on those. And the walk home will be sooooo much nicer...

8. Californication. I'm not sure what that means, but if I ever get to California, I'm a be all about the Californication...

9. Luncheons with Arnold.

10. "Oh man, these riots are so much better in real life! Yeah, it dawned on me that I need new home furnishings too!"

mmmm, California, where all your dreams come true... and you don't have to shovel F$%&ING snow...

peace nick

Can you feel the love tonight?

I love a good review, and we get one today from mergrl over at An Extraordinary Ordinary Life:

I Think Washing Your Hands is Stupid: love, love, love Nick. He is very funny and has the most interesting topics :0)

The first thing I thought when I read this, was, wow... that's really nice! It is. It's a good feeling to get compliments on something you put a lot of time into.

The second thing I thought was, damn, don't lie to people and get their hopes up! I'm not that funny.

Anyways, let's thank mergrl for the kind words. And visit her site. You'll like it, because I like it.

In other news, it's go week for me and the boys as we set out in search of the hot wife's holy grail (egg). Because I realize this is never a for sure thing, I thought a little prayer would be in order. Let's begin:

Dear Lord
Our training is complete
our confidence, high as can be
As we set out upon our mission
provide us light, so we can see

Dear Lord
Though we have never seen it
we know our destination
And we'll party when we get there
to start the grand gestation

Dear Lord
Though we are all strong
this is a competition
And our commander has but one request
please let only one of us in

Dear Lord
We are ready
the time has come
Set us free
let's have some fun

Amen

peace nick

Mowing the lawn in December???

One of the things I love about our society is our constant willingness to change with trends. Some societies aren't that way, and do things now the same way they have for generations. One of the trends I'm most excited about, that has really only come about in the past few decades… is, our willingness to… hmmm, how do I say this… shave our nether-region. Mow the lawn, if you will.

But like with anything of a sexual nature, and I blame religion for this, there is a certain taboo to discussing the mowing of the lawn. Luckily for women, there is always more discussion about what is and what isn't acceptable as far as bodily maintenance.

Not so much for men. Men tend to keep to themselves in regards to what they do with the bodies, other than, you know, working out and massive bodily injuries… Never, ever, is the topic of mowing the lawn brought up. At least as it applies to men. Talking about women doing it is standard practice of course.

Because of this, there isn't really a standard for men on what, or how, to… mow the lawn. Now… I've only been with the hot wife, so I don't know this for fact, but I'm pretty sure it is standard practice for women to, either shave everything, or shave everything except a small portion between the lower stomach and the… nether region. At least I hope this is standard practice, because any more hair than that is just gross.

I'm comfortable with my sexuality, so I have no problem saying that I think men should mow the lawn. Fully. I know… it sucks, and there is a serious risk of irreparable damage. But this isn't the 70s anymore. Mouth to nether-region contact is in style these days, thanks in large part to our former President, and it ain't cool to have that stuff getting in the way.

There fellas… now we have a standard. Mow. The. Lawn.

peace nick

Daddy? What are those whip marks on your back from?

The hot wife was browsing expecting mommy websites last night as we waited for Monday Night Football to start. And there are a gazillion of them... which I didn't quite understand. How many different ways can you say that you will be depressed and you can forget about a sex life? Women do everything in excess...

Anyways, as usual, my idiotness got me something I didn't quite bargain for... "What about expecting daddy sites?"

How could I be so stupid? There's no way an actual dad is going to write one of these sites! I knew in no time we would be browsing some pregnant woman's fantasy land, where all expecting dads are expected to... be slaves...

Lord? Why must we be tortured so?

So you’re going to be a dad - http://www.writeroberts.com/clips/expecting.htm

Welcome to the first challenge of fatherhood: your wife’s pregnancy... here are some specifics on what to do — and what not to do. (with my added man's perspective)

· Listen to her when she tells you she’s miserable.

Men are already professionals at this lady... it happens every day, pregnant or not.

· Help out around the house. At the very least, don’t make comments about the sty you live in.

Whatever! The deal was we take care of the garage, you do everything else. It's been this way for all of eternity...

· Let her catch you reading her pregnancy books. Not only will you score points, but they may help you understand....

Sure... as soon as they start reading Playboy and Maxim to score points with us... What would our friends think if they found out we were reading pregnancy books? It would not be pretty...

· “Compliment, compliment, compliment,” says Sheila Hubart, mother of Rebeqa, 10, and Elijah, 6. “There will be a time when she doesn’t think being pregnant is a beautiful thing anymore.”

Yeah? Well there comes a time when we don't think growing hair all over our bodies is a beautiful thing anymore... I don't hear any compliments for us...

· Give her back and foot massages. You can even paint her toenails for her when she’s too big to reach them.

This goes along with listening to how miserable they are...

· Never comment on what she’s eating. Even if you think it’s strange or you’re sure the fat in the super-size fries might hurt the baby, you’ll definitely lose points by remarking on her cravings.

Even if it's a compliment? "wow honey, that's great that you ate all of the Mac 'n Cheese... oh, and the chocolate syrup too... the pickles... didn't want none of those..."

· Take her on a maternity clothes shopping spree. By the end of the pregnancy she will detest the clothes with her whole being, but for now she can’t go naked.

Why not? Demi Moore did it...

· Skip your night out with the guys to stay home with her. She can’t drink alcohol for nine months and probably doesn’t want to be your designated driver. And don’t tell her that since she’s eating for two, you can drink for two.

"ah, sorry dude, I can't play cards tonight... I have to paint my wife's toenails..." Yeah, that will fly like a lead balloon...

· Respond to her nesting instincts. You may think there’s plenty of time, but she is on a mission.

Read: just change the F&*$ING room around, AGAIN, and like it... or she'll kill you in your sleep.

· And finally, go to her doctor’s appointments, or at least ask about them if you can’t make it. Attending the ultrasound appointment and birth classes is a must. Remember, it’s your baby too.

Wait... there's classes? With... other pregnant women??? A whole room full of pregnant women... that should be... uh... a whole bunch of fun... literally....

peace nick

Be ready in two weeks...

hot wife: "good news, I got my period"
me: "since when is that good news?"

hot wife: "it's good news since I'll know better when I'm ovulating"
me: "......................................"

hot wife: "just be ready in two weeks..."

peace nick

"Does this blaze orange make me look fat?"

Ah, deer hunting…. A time of year in the late fall where hundreds of thousands of men, women and children venture out into the woods to hunt Bambi. You gotta love it. I don't hunt deer myself, although I do love the meat.

But you know what's occurred to me lately is, those who live in civilized parts of the country, you may not hear much about deer hunting. And if, heaven forbid, you are ever in this part of the country this time of year… you may be a little confused by some of the conversations taking place. Deer hunting speak… so to speak…

For instance, you may hear someone say: "Yeah hey, that there's a nice body, but ya know, s'gotta pretty small rack." Or… "Yeah, did ya see the spread on that one there hey?"

Or, my favorite: "This one time, at deer camp…"

Completely normal…. Well, maybe not normal… but they're not talking dirty is what I'm trying to say. Clearly, it's easy to see how some of these conversations can be taken the wrong way. But a little education on the local language can go a long way, and that's why I'm here.

So the next time you are up nort' here, and hear someone say - "Yeah hey, I hit 'er square in the ass, and she made it 'bout 75 yards before going down…" - don't be alarmed. They're simply referring to deer hunting…

peace nick

Thank you Doctor.... that will be all...

Well, good news and bad news. Bad news is that the test results were negative... how often is that bad news?

Good news is that we keep trying. At least every other day.... on doctor's orders...

THANK YOU DOCTOR! MMMMMMMMMWHA!

We were joking today that perhaps what happened was that when my boys saw the mother ship, having never seen such a thing before (we've always used birth control), they turned around and fled... I've since scolded them and instructed them on proper fertilization.

I don't think we'll have any more problems...

peace nick

Current event type things...

You know, there's a lot of issues out there these days. Usually I try to keep up by reading blogs and other websites, but, everyone has a slant on everything. There isn't a straight answer to the world's problems that I can see. Not to mention that I have just been too busy lately to keep up like I wish I could. So, I went to the source this morning, to get the real schnizzle.

Me: God... welcome back.

God: Glad to be back.


Me: Ummm... the last time we spoke was right after Hurricane Katrina. Dude, I said get one person... not the whole friggen southern coastline. What's up?

God: Hey, you want a favor, this guy wants a favor, that guy wants a favor... By the time all was said and done... well, you know what happened.


Me: Uh, yeah, ease up a little next time, would ya? Anyways... I wanted to talk about some current issues facing the world today. Thought I would come right to you to get the low down. George Bush. Did he or did he not manipulate intelligence in the lead up to the Iraq War?

God: You know, Saddam got away from me. I told him that if he didn't straighten up, I was sending someone after him. He didn't listen. It was for the best.


Me: I know, he was a bad dude. But the intelligence... good or bad?

God: Bad. But the ends justified the means. Try throwing that one back at the Left... since they're always saying it...


Me: I stay away from politics. But that was funny. Ok, next topic. Abortion... in the constitution or not?

God: It's cool and all, but definately not in the constitution. I thought I gave ya'll the ability to read?


Me: You did... you did... Um... let's see... Britney and K-Fed. What. The. Hell?

God: Hahahahaha.... No? Sorry... I'll fix it...


Me: Thanks. Any chance you could lighten the load on me a bit? Things have been a little too busy for my liking lately.

God: No. Next?


Me: Milwaukee Bucks. 5-2 holmes... Going to the playoffs???

God: Not with that guy coaching...


Me: Figured as much. Is my hot wife pregnant yet?

God: Hey man, I gotta run! Catch up with ya later!


Me: NO WAIT!!! IS MY WIFE PREGNANT???? .....dammit.....

peace nick

On behalf of all men... I'm sorry...

I actually got this idea from an advertisement on another blog. No, I didn't click on it, because, well, I hate advertisements on blogs….

But anyways, this ad said - 10 most common mistakes men make with women. I don't know if I can come up with the most common, but I'm sure I can come up with 10. Let's go:

10. Men think women are capable of killing insects. As is illustrated here they are not. They never will be. It's genetical....

9. "What anniversary?"

8. When they ask you if they look fat, make eye contact, keep a straight face, and say "no". Don't look away! And definitely, whatever you do, do not be sarcastic.. unless of course you like your hand that much….

7. The drive-by beep, whistle or "hey baby!" has NEVER worked. Ever. It's like using a drive-by shooting to recruit gang members...

6. "But my ex did it all the time..."

5. What happens at bachelor parties, stays at bachelor parties. Not that anything happens...

4. I know it's hard, but resist the urge to hit on your woman's friends or family…. It's the least you can do...

3. "Oh… I thought you said you DID want it on the internet…"

2. Never allow your whole head to move as you watch another woman pass by. Women aren't blind, and they are watching you. It may even be a trick. If you've had more than 3 drinks, don't look at all, because you're moving your head whether you realize it or not….

1. "so when's the baby due?"

fun fun…

peace nick

It's Sex Ed! The name is Sex Ed!

I'm a little disappointed at our teachers, especially the women writing the sexual education curriculum in this country. You're putting parents in a very bad position!

Last night our nephews were over, one is in 5th grade and he was telling us what he learned in school. More specifically, what he learned in Human... Growth.... Development.... Education.... BLAH! What is that?

Look, I'm sorry that the religious right has given the word SEX such a negative connotation, but let's call it what it is. Sexual Education. Have some balls! (pun intended)

Sex.... ohhhhhh.... ahhhhh....

Sex..... Yeah, I'm sure 5th graders have never heard the word sex before.

Sex......

Do you want to know what he learned in this Human Growth crap class??? About wet dreams... Wet dreams...

Wet dreams...

Wet dreams? For God's sakes, are we still in the f-ing 40s? Wet dreams? Who the hell has wet dreams? Do any of you have wet dreams? I don't have wet dreams.

Why don't I have wet dreams? Everyone should have wet dreams, that's what they teach you in Human Growth Development, duh! Well, you morons, I don't have wet dreams because I MASTURBATE!!!!!

Yeah, I said it. MASTURBATE MASTURBATE MASTURBATE!!!!!!!

Women... guys don't have wet dreams because we've learned over the years how to perform maintenance on our stuff. It's not hard, well, sometimes it is... But it's definately not the sin we've all been told it was. We know it doesn't kill any kittens or make your palms hairy...

Don't teachers ever look at a curriculum and say "hey, this is bullshit"? They should. Wet dreams are bullshit. Stop teaching our kids about them!!!

Why the hell am I writing about wet dreams at 5 in the morning.... I haven't even said wet dream out loud since I was like 8....

peace nick

That *was* my cd player....

I wonder at what age you get to stop babysitting your friends when they come over. This past Saturday we lost our cd player, and I thought the computer too. Actually the computer was just doing a disk scan, but I was drunk... I didn't have the patience or the desire to figure that out.

But the cd player is another story. It's broke. Because someone I have never even met stuck a cd in the damn thing wrong.

I know what you're thinking... "and this guy wants to have kids???" Kids are different. Kids you can beat and yell at when they break something. How am I going to yell at a friend for breaking something?

"Hey bitch, thanks for breaking my f*&$ing cd player! You wanna spanking?!"

"Dude, what are you even doing on the computer?! This isn't surf the damn internet time! It's drinky time!!!"

I dunno... it just doesn't do it for me...

I hope my kids have a sarcastic humor like me so I can pretend to beat the crap out of them in front of other people. That always makes people so uncomfortable to watch someone beat the crap out of their kids. What's funny is you can actually see them debate between minding their own business and knocking the lunatic making them uncomfortable out.

People should make that decision before they see someone beating the crap out of their kids. Either you are going to step in and kick some ass, or you're going to mind your own business. Don't just stand there and look like a moron... Because... you look like a moron.

peace nick

Bud Light presents:

I always get a kick out of those Bud Light commercials honoring Real American Heros. But never any shout outs to the bloggers. Until now....

Bud Light presents: Real American Heroes
(real american heroes)
Today we salute you, Mr. Blog on your lunch hour at work guy
(Mr. Blog on your lunch hour at work guy)
You risk life and limb to bring your audience good material, knowing full well you could be fired at any minute
(out on your ass)
While most people sit eating their lunch, you Google for sweet pictures to post
(oh... Google this!)
What else says funny like the latest George Bush rant?
(you know i love you George Bush!)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light Mr. Blog on your lunch hour at work guy. We may not have been born to write, but thanks to you, we can read someone who was.
(thank you Mr. Blog on your lunch hour at work guy)

peace Mr. Blog on your lunch hour at work guy

Relationship... strategery...

It seems like when you enter into a relationship, you lose the ability to decide for yourself who your new friends are going to be. When you're single, the sky is the limit. You pick friends based on what you like in a person. Single guys hang out with single guys who like the same football team. Single women hang out with single women because they like to shop at the same stores. And single guys hang out with single women, or vice versa, because they're hot. Or so they think...

When you're in a relationship, that all goes out the window. Instead of picking friends based on mutual interests, you pick friends based on strategery… The sole criteria being - how that person, or couple, benefits the relationship. Hanging out with single people who have a chance of scoring on a regular basis is out. A single friend is a bad influence on the relationship-bound. Hanging out with the opposite sex… definitely out.

But more importantly than who you can't be friends with, is who you should be friends with. And I think this is where guys mess up. We don't have any ability to comprehend how some women are not compatible with other women. In our world, all women get along. Ok… all women make out. With each other.

How many times do we say - "you should hang out with her more often" or "you should be friends with her". We don't ever consider the fact that you might not like that person. It's strategery. That person has something to offer us, and dammit, you should use your womanly powers to create a deep, long lasting friendship with that person. If for nothing else, than for the good of the relationship.

Women never say this, because really, men don't generally have anything to offer. Overall, we're pretty worthless in the realm of bettering the relationship through strategic friendships… but then, we're pretty worthless overall. You should be used to it by now….

peace nick

You're among sinners, sinner

As I was sitting in church this past Saturday (we were at a wedding) I was struck by something the pastor kept repeating.

"You're a sinner… I'm a sinner… We're all sinners…"

Nothing is a bigger downer than being a sinner. But it occurred to me as he rambled on about us sinners, that I'm not even sure how I became a sinner. I'm not sure how one becomes a sinner, and how one becomes a non-sinner. Or even if we can become non-sinners.

So, what are the sins? Well, as any good researcher does when they want to know something, I went to the internet and came up with the Seven Deadly Sins. I actually didn't come up with them, I just found out what they are. Here they are, and where I stand on them.

1. Pride. Pride? A sin? Lest he not be proud of himself, let he only be proud of God. Whatever. God kills children, I don't. And I'm proud of myself for that. No hell here.

2. Greed. I don't consider myself greedy, although I guess that means I have pride. Hell on this one...

3. Envy. There are more people I don't envy, than I do. By the power of majorities… I think I'm safe here.

4. Anger. Well, I'm not an angry person in general… I guess I'm safe on this one too.

5. Lust. Hi, hell? Ya, I'll be right there...

6. Gluttony. Every Friday I drink too much. And I want too much sex. Welcome to hell.

7. Sloth. I'm still fuzzy on this one. I think it goes along the lines of being lazy. Hmmm… let me see here… yup, hell.

So I guess there you have it. I'm a sinner according to the Seven Deadly Sins of the Christian faith. I guess the good thing is that I don't believe in heaven or hell.

Is that sloth? I hope so, because sloth sounds pretty damn cool :)

peace nick

It's better to smoke that stuff in the morning time...

One of the great things about not being single is morning sex. This is sex that takes place before you ever even get out of bed. It's perfect on so many levels, it must be documented and encouraged.

Maybe a special interest group - Citizens for More Morning Sex. CMMS.

For one, there is no romance needed. There is very little touching required, because as we all well know, hormones are highest in the morning. And definitely no kissing. Gross... No need to dress up or dump a bunch of cologne on.

There is also no need to concentrate on your vocals. If you say something, or groan something, and then realize it was stupid... you can just blame it on being half asleep yet.

"I don't know why I said I wish all your friends were here now... I'm still half asleep..."

The only other time you get to pull that one off is when you're drunk... We'll deal with the pros and cons of drunk sex some other day.

The only down side to morning sex is that it doesn't make it any easier to get out of bed. Afterwards, the comfort of sleeping under the covers never really looks more appealing. More. Sleepy. Warm. Bed.

I'm a big fan of morning sex. I think the world would be a much better place if people got laid BEFORE they venture out into the real world. Bosses would give better raises, there would be fewer affairs, no wars, more tax cuts... it would be great.

So roll over tomorrow morning, and say to your wife or husband or boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever the case may be... and say, hey, we need to make the world a better place, let's get it on...

This public service announcement brought to you by CMMS. Making the world a better place to live in, one bedroom at a time.

peace nick

Not even 7th???

So yeah, I see that I am still not making anyone's celebrity crush list... which is bull. I just don't get it ladies. What makes this so hot:

But this not so hot:

I dunno, but I'm hurt. Women can be so cruel and shallow....

peace nick

You can't depend on me for anything...

Being the introvert that I am, one of the things I have the hardest time with is meeting new people. Not because I am a hermit, but just because I tend to keep to myself. Obviously when you meet new people, you can't keep to yourself... Why am I explaining this???

Anyways, because of certain factors in my line of work, I've been meeting more and more people from Pakistan or India. I know Dawn is going to freak when she reads this, but to tell you the truth, I just can't tell whether someone is from Pakistan or India. I think I can tell when someone is from the general area, but that's about it.

I must just embody the ignorant American to these poor people. It's not really by choice, but I just haven't been exposed to these cultures before. I had no idea they couldn't, or choose not to, eat meat when one guy asked me if there was meat in the pasta sauce during a training lunch recently.

guy, pointing to sauce - "excuse me, do you know what's in this?"
me, with blank look - "I dunno, it looks like tomato sauce and some spices"

guy - "do you know if there is meat in there?"
me, with blank look - "uh...."

I had no idea. Furthermore, I was baffled. Who cares if there's meat in there... it's all we got, just eat it! Luckily I was saved by someone who was a little more culturally aware of the situation, who explained to this poor guy that there was no meat in the sauce.

Please sir, stay away from the ignorant American before you hurt yourself...

What good am I? I can barely understand people with such heavy foreign accents, I sure as heck can't help them thru our mish mash of non-cultured life.

What's worse is, I don't know if I should help them out when they do or say something that would potentially offend someone here (not that you can do anything these days without offending someone...). The other day I was sitting with a designer discussing some ideas, and he said something like:

"blah blah blah, oh Jesus Christ... blah blah blah"

And then he said the same thing again... I was stunned. I'm certainly not offended by that, but I know a lot of people would be. I didn't know if I should say something to him, like, hey buddy, you may want to tone down the Jesus references, or if I should just sit there, stunned... I always find it's best to avoid a confrontation, so I just sat there... stunned...

Unfortunately, of all the stupid things they teach you in school, nothing prepares you to deal with other cultures, other than just being exposed to them as much as possible on your own. I feel bad for the foreign born people that I come into contact with in the future. I apologize in advance, I'm the dumb American you've all heard about... Please, go easy on me.

peace nick

Play Super Nintendo???

Arrr bitches, so become upon us another Friday. And with that, a poem for ya. I hope ya likey. An remember ya, drink ya lots and drive fast...

Tis morning me shiver me britches
tomorrow yet could f-ing snow
But nay will that keep me from me bar
as I'm sure you already know

Blue Moon beer, and Jaeger Bombs
arrr, that's all I see
Perhaps a martini er two
if the bloody bartender make 'em free

It's been too a long week
so let them drinks a flow
And then I'll take me wife home...
...to play Super Nintendo

peace nick

We may not be rich, but we are copious...

There's something to be said about someone who can sit through training all day, and not have a blockbuster blog post about it. I dunno... my trainer was the equivalent of a gay tour guide... where the hell do I go with that?

Maybe I'm not as creative as I once hoped. You're all free to quit reading if you'd like.

The neighbor girl ran away the other day. Her mom asked that some details of the story be covered in the newspaper, and they were. Apparently the newspaper got crapped on, because it ran an editorial trying to justify what coverage they did print.

Fine, whatever, who gives a rip. But then they put this in there:

In the wake of our initial story, readers accused The Reporter of everything from dropping the ball, to not caring because the teen in question wasn't from an affluent part of town, to showing poor news judgment by not having the story on the front page.

Wait a second... if she's our neighbor... and she isn't from an affluent part of town... what does that say about us??? Just because people get stabbed, and there are 3 year olds playing in the street all over the place, I don't know how you say we aren't from an affluent part of town.

"Oh dear honey, there are black and hispanic children in that neighborhood... Black... Hispanic... Poor people... Non-affluent... Under-priviledged..."

I blame George Bush. George Bush is keeping us down dammit. All us poor ghetto folk... All we need is a damn hurricane to make it official.

"Non-affluent... George Bush... Black people..."

Actually, I don't think there are any affluent parts of Wisconsin, much less the crap hole city we live in... But thanks for dropping our property values a couple grand...

peace nick

I'm Old School...

We got a nice little blurb written up about us over at Chai and Apple Pie:

i think washing your hands is stupid -- Nick reminds me of all the frat boys I was friends with in college. He has been married, like forever, to his pretty wife Amy. And he has a bunch of dogs and a lot of funny stuff to talk about.

After reading this, I began to wonder how my life would be different if I were actually a frat boy. And then I realized, the only real exposure I have to the life of frat boys is from the movie Old School. So instead, this post will be about how my life would be different were I in the movie Old School. If you haven't seen it yet, GO RENT IT! So, let's ponder:




1. I likely would have hooked up with Elisha Cuthbert*.






2. Instead of wood floors in the living room, wall to wall sand. Or foam, or something... (I don't think the dogs would appreciate sand too much)





3. Nick the Tank! Nick the Tank!









4. My rap career would have taken off much faster. Instead, Snoop got the call... Snoop. Snoop-a-loop.









5. I would have easily been the KY wrastlin' champ...




In summary, I think I would make a great frat boy. Thanks Dawn, that was enlightening...

*In all fairness to my beautiful wife, she did get to hook up with Heath Ledger...

peace nick

It's our turn...

Well, yesterday we did a post about how women are luckier than men. It didn't start that way, but it was kind of fun. So, today, we'll do 20 ways that men are luckier than women.

1. You can piss just about anywhere.
2. The garage and/or basement are always safe havens.
3. "Getting ready" takes less than 5 minutes.
4. So does masturbating.
5. Crying at just the right time gets you all the sex you can handle.
6. No child birth. Or birth control pills. Or PMS.
7. No worries about being drugged at the bar.
8. Kissing multiple people in one night doesn't make you a slut.
9. You can pretend you don't watch Laguna Beach.
10. You don't have to wash your face after sex. (altogether - ewwww!)
11. Screw up the laundry once, and you're off the hook forever.
12. Shaving is optional.
13. You don't have gross men staring at your boobs.
14. Grabbing yourself in public is acceptable.
15. There's no drama at bachelor parties.
16. No stupid tupperware parties to go to.
17. You can open your own jars and beer cans.
18. You can poop when someone is in the next stall.
19. Your friends never call you crying.
20. Porn. Made for men, by men.

That was harder than the women's list...

peace nick

Damn... your blog is hot...

I've always wanted to do an experiment in which I would create two fake blogs, one by a fake man and one by a fake women. I would post the same things, advertise the same, and see which one would generate more traffic. My hypothesis is that the blog by the woman would generate more traffic.

My logic for this hypothesis is simple. Women read blogs written by other women because they can relate to them. Men read blogs by women because they are curious, or the woman is good looking, in which case their writing could be so stupid, but there is always the slight chance she could post a picture of her boobs...

Men aren't so lucky. Take me for example. I don't get a lot of male readers for the simple fact that I don't have anything to offer them. I don't post about politics really, or sports, and I doubt many want to see my boobs. I have no idea why women read this blog, but they seem to be the majority of my readers. Is it 'cause you wanna see my boobs? I didn't think so...

Women are just luckier than men in this department. Maybe women are just luckier in general? Hmmm... how are women luckier than men...

1. They get to blame everything on PMS.
2. They always have a fall-back career... in porn.
3. Wearing jogging pants is still cool.
4. Kissing men and women in the same night is acceptable, even encouraged.
5. Free dinner, free drinks, free movies.
6. Being naked gets you more friends.
7. Crying at anytime is acceptable, even expected.
8. Liking Sex and the City will not get you beat up.
9. They never have to help roof or pour concrete.
10. There's always a place to sleep when you're drunk.
11. Threesomes are just a phone call away.
12. Affirmative action.
13. Wearing pink is always an option.
14. They're naturally better dancers.
15. You don't need to be a trucker to buy a sex toy.
16. You're never in a trucker's blind spot.
17. The admiration of the construction industry.
18. Tight jeans are still in.
19. The joys of giving birt... whoops, wrong list...
20. More people read and comment on your blog.

That was fun...

peace nick

Would the real Nick please stand up?

I love horoscopes. Mine today starts like this - When it comes to relationships, what you're offering is like gold.

You damn fo schizzle it is. It's about time someone saw it my way...

Anyways, so we got to meet Amy's friend's new bf this weekend. Nice guy. But the situation is not without it's issues, which I felt the need to address in a letter to him. Let me know what you think...

Dear Nick,

It was great to finally meet you this weekend, after hearing so many good things about you. I'm glad to see you are making XXX (Amy's friend) happy so far, she deserves a nice guy like you. I especially liked how you pretended to be interested in the Packer game yesterday, despite being a card carrying Minnesota Vikings fan... you stupid, mutha fuc... uh, nevermind that for now. There are a few other things that I felt we should address, mano e mano...

1. There was a point in time, Nick, when I sat on the other side of a picnic table at the fair, and listened to my drunk wife and your drunk girlfriend talk about making out with each other. No, I'm not lying. They promised me this would happen on some future date. Now that you are in the picture, it's a sure bet that it won't. And I feel that I should be compensated for this. I will accept an all-expense-paid trip to a strip club of our mutual choosing, with an all-expense-paid lap dance from two kissing strippers. You're free to watch from a distance of no less than 15 feet.

2. You will be referred to you from now on as Dan. Nick is already taken. By me. Don't f-ing tread on my shit, you little bitch... I mean, Dan...

3. I order you to quit opening the door for your girlfriend. For God's sakes, what are you, 17? I suppose next thing you know, you are going to be holding her hand in public. I already seen you playing with her hair... I don't know what you are trying to pull here... but you know how these women talk... We have to be a little more congruent in our efforts if this is going to work out my man...

Don't forget Dan, I've been here for, like, 9 years or something. I'm a trusted playa in the game, and I can sabotage your shit faster than you can say Daunte Culpepper sucks. A couple of well placed comments about you trying to grab the bartender over by the bathroom, and it's over for you... O. V. E. R.

Great. Glad we could have this talk. Good luck man... we'll see ya soon.

peace nick

M is for Monday, it's also for Martini

The best way to start off the week is with a new drink. We'll start with my favorite, the Purple Gecko. Better stock up on that Curacao... I have a feeling it will be in a lot of the drinks...

Title	Purple Gecko
Ingredients	1/2 oz. Lime Juice 1/2 oz. Blue Curacao 1 oz. Sour Mix 1 1/2 oz. Jose Cuervo Tequila 1/2 oz. Red Curacao 1 oz. Cranberry Juice Cocktail
Description	Shake with ice and pour into salt rimmed margarita glass. Garnish with a lime wedge.

Remember kids, drink safe and drive fast.

peace nick

44 things you couldn't care less about...

I have to hang out while my chimney gets cleaned, so thought I would waste some time with this meme:

1. Legal First name? Nicholaus
2. Were you named after anyone? Yup, Adam Rich from Eight is Enough
3. Do you wish on stars? No
4. When did you last cry? When my Dad past away last year
5. What is your favorite lunch meat? Turkey
6. What is your birth date? August 7th 1979
7. Whats your most embarrassing CD? A cd with thunderstorms on it
8. Would you be friends with you? I guess so. I like all the things I like...
9. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Nah...
10. What are your nicknames? Most people call me by my last name, which I won't share
11. Would you bungee jump? F&*% NO!
12. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? My Docs I do, my shoes I don't
13. Do you think that you are strong? No
14. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate
15. Shoe Size? 10 1/2
16. Red or pink? Red
17. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I'm very impatient
18. Who do you miss most? My Dad
19. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Blue jeans, brown Doc Martens
20. What are you listening to right now? The vacuum cleaner from the chimney guys
21. What did you eat for breakfast? cappuchino
22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? black (yes, I know it isn't a color, but it is a crayon)
23. What is the weather like right now? 70, sunny & windy
24. Last person you talked to on the phone? Joe
25. The first things you notice about the opposite sex? Their, uh, eyes...
26. Do you like the person who sent this to you? No one sent it to me, I simply stole it
27. Favorite Drink? Purple Gecko
28. Hair Color? Brown
29. Do you wear contacts? No
30. Favorite Food? Bacon Cheeseburger
31. Last Movie You Watched? The Big Bounce
32. Favorite Day Of The Year? Thanksgiving
33. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Happy Endings I guess...
34. Summer Or Winter? Summer
35. Hugs OR Kisses? Kisses
36. What Is Your Favorite Desert? Snickers Blizzard
37. Living Arrangements? I live in a house with my wife, 2 dogs and 2 cats
38. What books Are You Reading? none
39. What's On Your Mouse Pad? A Rottweiler puppy
40. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? I didn't watch tv
41. Favorite Smells? Gasoline
42. Favorite junk food? chips and salsa
43. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles
44. What's the farthest you've been from home? New Orleans

peace nick

I have no problems having an orgasm...

I was reading an article that was discussing problems men and women have as they relate to sex. Now, it may be a little whacky because it came out of London, but it's still pretty interesting.

From the article:

"One in 10 women questioned for a survey admitted losing interest in sex for at least six months in the past year."

And then:

"The next major problem was the inability to have an orgasm. That was reported by four percent of women,"

Hmmm... I wonder if those could be related? C'mon ladies... men figured it out, like, forever ago. What's with you women? How are we supposed to trust you with running the country some day?

I think the "G" in G-spot is short for God-damn-that-thing-is-well-hidden. Why God? Why put it in a place that no guy, and apparently a whole lot of women, can't fricken find? Looking for the G-spot is like looking for the Holy Grail. You've heard rumors, some people say they know where it is... but damn if you'll ever find the thing...

I think the problem with most guys is that we just can't fathom how complicated this is. I mean, our spot is right out in the open. You can't fricken miss it. We can't possibly understand how so many of you women have gone this long without even knowing where yours is, or what it feels like should we heaven forbid actually graze the thing on our way in...

And then:

"There is nothing actually wrong with these women. Bringing up a family they are just tired and exhausted as opposed to the men who have 10 times the level of testosterone,"

God was definately not a man. No way would a man do this to fellow men. Not only do women have the key to sexual bliss hidden from us, they are already at a sexual disadvantage with testosterone levels 10 times lower.

That's like not letting women into the bar until all the men have had 6 drinks already. It's impossible to have a good time drinking if by the time you start, everyone is already smashed...

There is definately a conspiracy going on here, and I intend to get to the bottom of it.

peace nick

Victory, in the face of adversity...

Were you aware that there's no good way to take care of a runny nose when you are having sex? You sure can't sniffle, that's just gross, especially in that situation. Unless you can time it just perfectly to coincide with a groan or some other sexually related noise. But who wants to be thinking about the perfect time to sniffle when you're having sex? It's like worrying about being the victim of a car bomb while you are putting the keys in to unlock your door. Worry too much, and you're late for dinner... if you make it at all.

You can blow your nose, sure, but that involves finding a suitable place to stop, getting up, going to the bathroom, etc... It can be a real deal breaker if you aren't careful. Or if the bathroom is cold, like most are. You must be quick and quiet, and dammit, you better get 'er done the first time. If you have to make a second break to the bathroom, you might as well just stay there...

There is a solution though. Pay attention now... The trick is to find a way to migrate to the bottom position, so you can lean your head back and let everything drain back into your head. I know, I'm an absolute genius...

This can create problems of its own, but should buy you enough time to do what you have to do. Timing is everything though. Go up too early, and you could risk having to resort to one of the other options. Wait too long, and the brain waves to your, uh... mate, could be severely impeded. I can't stress how important it is to have unrestricted communication between the brain and... you know, other parts of the body...

Time it out, focus, don't lose sight of the task at hand (literally and figuratively), and you should be alright.

Runny noses during sex are the Gods' way of saying, "Let's see how you get out of this one, stud boy. Bwahahahaha!"

If you can indeed pull it off, and end in a way other than your woman kicking your impotent ass out of bed, there is almost a sense of accomplishment. Like winning the Superbowl despite having a broken arm. If you just so happen to have a buddy present, a high five is not unacceptable.

Victory, in the face of adversity. Be proud. You did it, man.

peace nick

Beer... and some of our inner selves

I certainly apologize for the lack of posting this week.

However, I hope to soon get back to my qualitative description and research into how blogging, time and beer are all inter-related. And how, while being independent of the uncertainty principle of quantum physics, we can all harness the momentum of mind wavelength particles to measure the position of the mindset used while coming up with blog material... beer... and some of our inner selves.

Certainly we can begin to understand at that point the simultaneous consequences of utilizing beer to increase the accuracy of the macroscopic material used to facilitate the processing of mind matter, and anti-matter, which then becomes some really screwed up thoughts which we put into our blogs.

But we'll get into all of that next week. Let's drink!

peace nick

I do. Still.

Three years ago.

Three years ago we were technically friends. I never asked you out so you didn't have the chance to cheat on me and dump my sorry ass.

Three years ago, we were obviously more than friends.

Three years ago I was sleeping. Damn... it's 5:30 in the morning.

Three years ago I actually got to wear a tux that fit me. I was hot. In the good looking way. But not near as hot as you were.

Three years ago I promised to love you, when we were poor, and when we'll be rich. And we will be f-ing rich... oh, we'll be filthy rich. Rock star rich.

Three years ago I promised to love you and to hold you. In sickness and in health.

I will.

I do. Still.

I love you. (Not you people, my wife... duh...)

nick

I am the love doctor, Will Smith is just an actor...

We finally got around to watching the movie Hitch last night, with Will Smith. I didn't have real high expectations, because I'm not the biggest Will Smith movie fan... but it was good. Funny at least.

Unfortunately it just confirmed about men what I have always known. You are idiots. All of you. I'm just amazed that more women are not lesbians.

But then... women are suckers, which just compounds the problem.

What a job being a love doctor would be. Although I don't have confidence that most men could get a number to save their lives... perhaps I could provide a few pointers that might make them not appear to be the big time losers they really are. And all you need is that, and most women being suckers, will at least stick around a couple of months.

Here are my tips gentlemen, since I already have a job:

1. Stare at a woman's breasts when she is NOT looking directly at you. If you're talking to her, she can tell what you are looking at... if she isn't blind.

2. Chances are your pick up line sucks. Save it. Opt for a more natural comment or look. Have a creative comment for everything. Everything. Be prepared and witty.

3. Don't be an over-bearing stalker. It's one thing to be convienently in the right place at the right time. It's another thing to be everywhere. Maintain some distance.

4. Don't show women your tattoos. It makes the rest of us who don't have any look like ninnys, and you don't want your ass kicked, do ya?

5. Put your damn collar down. You're not the Fonz, and you never will be.

So there you have it. A few minor, although important, tips on picking up women. A lot of it is just common sense really, which I realize most of you don't have... but then, that's why you read my blog.

I'm happy to help. Questions will be addressed now for a small fee.

peace nick

A beer drinker's prayer

A beer drinker's prayer.
by Nick

Dear Lord. Oh dear miraculous Lord.

As I venture out on this wonderful Friday,
to the pub, to consume mass quantities of alcohol...

Provide me with strength, stamina and capacity.
Provide me with a steady hand.
Provide me with a sturdy stool to rest my ass.

Dear Lord. Oh dear miraculous Lord.

As I venture out on this wonderful Friday,
to the pub, to consume mass quantities of alcohol...

Provide me with a safe flight, to and fro.
Provide me with friends who won't talk about politics.
Or how their wife cheats on them. Stupid bitch...

Dear Lord. Oh dear miraculous Lord.

As I venture out on this wonderful Friday,
to the pub, to consume mass quantities of alcohol...

I ask two things of you.
A good buzz and a full tummy.
Oh, and some good drunken sex wouldn't be too bad either...

Uh... Amen.

peace nick

A top 10

I started this out with a comment on someone else's blog. Since I love to get t-shirts with goofy sayings, I thought it would be fun to come up with some for kids of bloggers. I don't have any kids, so feel free to steal any of my ideas and use them.

So, top 10 t-shirt sayings for kids of bloggers

1. i made my momy dummer

2. i don't usually act like this, but my mom needs better blog material

3. shhhhh... my dad is writing in his blog

4. more pictures?

5. my mom's blog is better than your mom's

6. my mom is blogging this

7. all i want for christmas is my own flickr account

8. i'll give you something to blog about...

9. http://www.mydadsblogkicksass.com

10. take a picture, it lasts longer. or just go to my mom's blog.

peace nick

How about 7 ways to get wasted?

A meme from Brianne in Muncie (what a name for a city...)

7 Things You Plan to do Before You Die

1. Have kids
2. Own a business
3. Live in the country
4. Visit Europe
5. Actually get a college degree
6. Go snowboarding
7. Travel the east coast

7 Things You Can't Do

1. Sing
2. Dance
3. Fly
4. Levitate
5. Pick up chicks
6. Stay up past midnight
7. Go one day without masturbating

7 Things You Can Do

1. Have lots of sex
2. Drinks a lots
3. Play the guitar a little
4. Train dogs
5. Play hockey
6. Create a 3D computer model of anything
7. Write in this damn blog everyday

7 things that attract you to the opposite sex

1. Sense of humor
2. Intelligence
3. Nice boobs
4. I like big butts and I cannot lie...
5. Cold hands
6. Sweaty armpits
7. Non-stinky feet

7 things you say most:

1. Dude
2. Right?
3. I'm wasted
4. What's up?
5. Are you gonna drink that?
6. Hey, can I get a drink in this place?
7. Oh for fuck's sake

7 celebrity crushes (thanks... I'll be on the couch tonight...)

1. Maria Sharapova
2. Anna Kournikova
3. Drew Barrymore
4. Elisha Cuthbert
5. Jennifer Aniston
6. Beyonce Knowles
7. um.... uh.... I dunno, I'm bad with names...

7 people you want to take this quiz

Uh... I don't even think 7 people read this... I guess if you read this, and want to take it, feel free. Let me know so I can make fun of you though.

Whew... that was a lot of work....

peace nick

You go Katrina!

Talked to God this morning on the phone. To keep things quick (I have a paper to write), I'll only type what I said.

ring... ring...

God:...

Me: Yeah, God?
God:...

Me: Yeah, I know you're busy.
God:...

Me: That is kewl. Actually that was what I was calling about. 'Member when we were down there in New Orleans a couple of years ago?
God:...

Me: Oh yeah, the K9 cop when we were sitting in the restaurant... Yeah, that was hilarious God. What were you trying to do, give us a heart attack?
God...

Me: What are you, my mom now?
God:...

Me: Fine. So anyways. 'Member when we were walking on Bourbon Street and that crackhead squirted a bunch of shit on our shoes, and then stole $20 from me?
God:...

Me: Yup, that's the guy!
God:...

Me: Kill him. And make it a horrible death... you know, if you could.
God:...

Me: Oh, I dunno... Maybe a coffin could come cruising by and decapitate his ass.
God:...

Me: Alright, that's kewl too.
God:...

Me: Great! Thanks God!
God:...

Me: What? No, I don't care if it rains Tuesday, I got class.
God:...

Me: Right on. K, talk to ya later God.

peace nick

F'd Up Friday - a fan favorite

Well children, today is Friday, and that means it's time for F'd Up Friday. That's where members of the reading audience get to submit questions or comments, and we'll post and take care of them here.

To play along, the email address is junyer_mint@yahoo.com You email, I donate $1 to MidAmerica Rottweiler Rescue in honor of a rescue dog we used to have named Arri. When/if it hits $25, I'll send a donation and post the receipt. We're at, uh... $5 now. That should get some poor dog a nice leash...

Today's email comes from long time reader and supporter, Sandi. She writes:

Date: Sun, 21 Aug 2005 06:17:57 -0700
From: "Sandi"
To: "Nick"
Subject: Finally got around to it.

I have to help the puppies!

So here is the question, and it has nothing to do with relationships: What sports do you watch, and who are your favorite teams?

Also as a little side thought, how's the biz plan going?
***

Thanks for the email Sandi. As far as sports go, I really only watch football these days. I used to play a lot of sports, hockey for nine years, football for a couple, baseball, soccer when I was a kid.

I grew up in the middle of hockey country, my neighbors were die-hard hockey players. I think one is even still playing over in Germany in some semi-pro league. Unfortunately when I got to high school, going out and getting liquored and drugged up became a little more important than playing sports.

I'm really a fair weather fan for sports other than football. I watched a lot of Milwaukee Bucks basketball when they were half way decent. Never really caught on to watching and following baseball or hockey though.

But football... Football is the perfect sport for people like me who just want to party and get drunk, but can't sit still too long. I think I have AADD or something. The season is relatively short, the action is virtually constant and while there is no fighting allowed like hockey, there is a fair amount of players getting their snot rocked. Which rocks.

As far as favorite teams, of course, I'm a Packers fan.

You also asked about the business. Nothing new to report lately other than we still don't have any money. We're spending what we do have to work on our house (roofing and painting it) in hopes we can gain some collateral, although it likely won't get us a business in the near future.

And we're currently waiting for one of our sweet hook ups to get his ass out of jail. I know, that sounds bad... it's a long story.

Well kiddies, thanks for stopping by, and remember to get those emails in for next week.

peace nick

You will be bidding on my hot ass...

I've decided to auction myself off. The bidding will start at $10. Do I hear $20?

peace nick

This is not a meme, this is the real deal...

Dawn axes the following on her blog:

1) Do you think your blogging friends have an accurate image of you? How well do you think you know them?

I would say no, the people who read my blog probably think I'm a womanizing alcoholic. Sure, I would like to be that, but I'm really not.

2) Is there a certain 'type' of blog that you usually read? Do you mostly read blogs of people similar to you or different from you?

I like blogs where the writer is creative. I'm not big on strictly political blogs, and it gets boring when people rattle on and on about things in their lives that no one else can relate to or understand. I like a little humor. I like people who let it all out, and aren't afraid to get a little crazy sometimes.

3) If there was a blog convention and you had the opportunity to meet everyone in blog-land in real life would you go?

Hmmm... tough one. I would probably say I would go, and make plans, but chicken out at the last second. I'm too shy in real life to meet a bunch of people in that situation. I'd like to say I would, but there's a better than 50/50 chance I would skip it. Although it would make fantastic blogging material...

4) If you went and you were seated at a table for four, which other bloggers would you want at your table?

My first one would be drunklaw. You can never know too many lawyers. My second would be Lulu. Only because I know she is going to be hitting on every good looking guy there, and that's good entertainment. My third would be Blake K. He's going to be ripping everything from the silverware to parking arrangements. After 4 or 5 drinks with these three, it's a guarantee that I'll be rolling on the floor laughing my ass off, and that's how you know you've had a good night.

5) Do you share your blog with significant others, family and friends in your real life or is it your little secret?

Only my wife, and even that took some time. Not because I rip my family or friends, I just don't want to be constrained by who reads this. If someone doesn't understand my sense of humor, there's a good chance that they will misunderstand my writing. Nothing kills the creative soul faster than someone misunderstanding you, and then getting offended by it.

Weeee, that was fun!

peace nick

What's Heath Ledger got on me?

Ok, fine, so I wasn't in the Patriot...

Kiss my ass Heath Ledger...

(click the pic for a larger version)

peace nick

Men are superficial... only if you're ugly...

I thought this quote from a story here was funny:

New York matchmaker Janis Spindel, a self-described specialist at setting up "highly successful, well-educated, attractive professionals," confirmed the survey's findings. "It's scary, but women don't care [about looks]," she said. "Men are very superficial and very shallow."

Well Janis, only if you're ugly...

Are men really superficial and more concerned with looks than women? Yes. But only because there are a larger number of attractive women, than there are attractive men. Let's face it, most men are ugly and gross. If women were as superficial, they would all be single.

I think there is hope for women though. There are ways to get around being physically attractive, and that's having an attractive personality. If you're ugly and a bitch, there is no hope. But if you are ugly and cool, we can still be friends....

peace nick

F'd Up Friday - A controversy in and of itself

Well children, today is Friday, and that means it's time for F'd Up Friday. That's where members of the reading audience get to submit questions or comments, and we'll post and take care of them here.

To play along, the email address is junyer_mint@yahoo.com For every email received (non-spam), I will donate $1 to MidAmerica Rottweiler Rescue in honor of a rescue dog we used to have named Arri. When/if it hits $25, I'll send a donation and post the receipt. So far we're at $3... pathetic...

Today's email comes from Dawn. She writes:

Date: Fri, 5 Aug 2005 12:32:42 -0600
From: "Dawn"
To: "Nick"
Subject: Another Question

Dear Nick -- is it Nicholas?
Anyway - so you've mentioned that you and your wife got married at a relatively young age and were together for a long time before that. My question is what were you thinking? NO, I'm kidding that isn't my question. But most men have some degree of commitment phobia and I'm wondering how your wife managed to catch you at such a young age and keep you for so long and presumably for the rest of your life? What are the 3 things you love most about her?

Dawn
***

Dawn, thanks for the email. It's Nick to ya'll, only my mom and wife get to call me Nicholaus (with a "u"). As you can see, I've spent the past week answering your question. Sure, I could have done it in one fell swoop, but what fun is that? And it has not been without controversy my dear Dawn... We have even been featured and discussed on other blogs. Unfortunately most of the discussion has been by people who have apparently spent no time reading the rest of my writing, so they don't realize I was mostly joking... Oh well, I don't mind being cannon fodder for the masses...

But yes, it is true. Amy and I met in high school ('97) at the tender age of 17. We met because I wanted to go out with her friend, and she wanted to go out with my friend. If that isn't fate, what is??? Well, we soon realized they were losers, and about the same time, realized how well we got along. We were both just sick of the same immature, high school relationships we were getting into. So, after high school we moved out together, five years later we were married, and the rest is history. This January we will be together for nine years. That's a long f-ing time peeps!

I think it was being such good friends first that has led to a successful relationship. She is my best friend, male or female. I trust her with my life, and there has never been an ounce of jealousy to speak of. I don't believe in soul mates, but if I did, she would be mine. That sounds cheesy, but it's just true.

Well kiddies, thanks for stopping by, and remember to get those emails in for next week.

peace nick

Men don't know what commitment phobia is...

I was recently asked about commitment phobia. Are most men afraid to commit to a relationship? I love it when women ask such silly questions, because it's apparent they are under the assumption that most men even know what the heck something like that means. Or care for that matter.

It's painfully clear to me that women in general just overanalyze everything. It's not necessary. Most men, not all, but most can be reduced to what I call the three S's.

Sex, Sports and Spirits. No, not ghosts you fools...

It takes one of those things, although, the more the merrier, to make the average man happy. Don't ask me why, it's just part of the genetic code of the modern day man. It's like wondering why women have to get their hair wet in the morning, and then get it dry, and then put a bunch of shit in it to get it wet again and then all the f-ing makeup and god knows what else goes into the daily routine of the modern day woman...

Guys don't sit around wondering about that shit. It's just life, you deal with it, and all the f-ing hair in the drain that goes with it, and you move on.

BTW - a great invention would be a chemical that makes women's hair stay on their damn heads! Maybe some glue mixed with hairspray? I dunno, but someone better figure it out. Quick.

Where was I going with this... Oh yeah, the commitment phobia...

I met Amy when I was 17. Shortly after, we got together and have been so ever since. We have a spat here and there, but for the most part, we get along great. Why? Because, the sex is great and often, we drink a lot (which has a big influence on the great and often sex) and Amy understands that I enjoy sports, and she doesn't inhibit my watching and participating in them. Quite the contrary.

Now, I know what you are thinking. "oh great, all I get is drunken sex with football on the television." Not necessarily, but the three S's are the base of the relationship. Consider it the foundation crap you women put on before all the other makeup crap. If you put the makeup crap on without the foundation crap, it looks like shit.

So, by the same logic, if you embrace the three S's as the foundation of your relationship, there will be no problems with commitment. You will find your men actually willing to do the crap that you women like to do (shopping, watching cheesy movies, etc...). But like the labor unions, men don't work for free. Don't expect us to be willing participants in the crap you want to do if we don't get a healty dose of the crap we want to do, the three S's.

And here you women have been listening to Oprah all these years, expecting her to solve this age old problem. Oprah ain't got shit on me people...

peace nick

How I got to loving Amy - Take 3

When Amy worked at her previous job for a local newspaper, we played on a softball team that was sponsored by the newspaper. It was full of geeks that were employees of a sister company, an ISP. I could have just said they worked for an ISP and you would have known they were geeks, but the extra emphasis doesn't hurt.

The season was painful and full of high school like drama, including the pitcher quitting in the middle of the season because we refused to show up to their gay ass practices, but demanded playing time in the games.

It's f-ing softball you nerds, what is there to practice???

Anyways, after the season the team had a party to celebrate our nerdiness and how much we sucked. Since I am an introvert, and hated most of these geeks, I got really drunk so I could try to have some fun. And when I get drunk, I talk. A lot. And I say really stupid things.

Hey, some people get violent when they drink, so it could be worse...

So... we were having some conversation about the places we work, and I launch into this egotistical diatribe about how where I work is so much better than where Amy works, and then I say something so incredibly stupid. Now that I look back at it, I cry. It was something like:

"(Amy's company) is a PISS ANT company compared to (my work)!"

Have you ever had that dream where you are naked in front of school and everyone is looking at you, not saying anything, just staring in utter amazement? It was kind of like that.

So I get up and walk out of the garage and Amy follows me out.

Amy: That was the owner that you were sitting next to!
Me: So that's who that old guy was...

Amy: Uh, yeah...
Me: Oh well, you hate your job anyways.

And then I turn around and he is walking right behind us with his wife to leave, having heard enough of me I'm sure...

And so, reason number three, why I love Amy:
Despite what a drunken jackass I am sometimes, she still hasn't killed me for the insurance policy.

peace nick

How I got to loving Amy - Take 2

In the latter part of 2003 Amy started a new job. A local mob boss was in the early stages of opening two new businesses, a craft mall and a bar, and needed an accountant/book-keeper person. Amy was the girl for the job.

The rest of the year, and the early part of 2004 was a trying time. She worked a lot, and I sat around the house with the dogs drinking a lot. But not smoking. I quit smoking cigarettes in March of 2002, after 9 years. So did, I thought, Amy.

Now this is 2004 mind you, must have been about May or June. I never saw Amy smoke, never smelled it, never suspected anything. Friends and family were sworn to secrecy. Bastards.

So we are at this party for her work, where the mob boss brings all the loan people out to kiss their asses. We're at the bar. The tyme machine is broke, so I go home to grab the checkbook. I grab her purse and out pops a bunch of cigarettes.... The guilt for these cigarettes was too much. It was time to give themselves in.

When I got back to the bar, I hinted to Amy that I knew, and then played it cool so she could wonder all night what I was thinking. I'm mysterious like that... it drives women wild...

But when we got home, all bets were off and we entered at least a good week of wonderful conversations and loving embraces. At one point we held a conversation something to the effect of:

Me: Why wouldn't you just tell me? It's not like I'm going to beat you. (blatant lie... I would beat her ass in a minute...)
Her: Because I didn't want you to be mad.

And so, reason number two, why I love Amy:

She is willing to risk life and limb to conceal her actions for years, as long as it keeps me from getting mad.

peace nick

How I got to loving Amy. Take 1.

Someone already has an email (that's one whole dollar to Rottweiler Rescue...) in that I plan to address for this Friday's post. But I think it will help if I spread out the answer a bit this week, so I don't have to cram everything in on Friday.

So sit back, crack open a beer and enjoy yourself.

A Mid-Summers Afternoon, a play by Nick.

Setting: Amy's house
Characters: Amy, Nick, Amy's mom

Scene 1: (Amy and Nick, age 17, make out on couch half naked)

Amy: Oh Nick...
Nick: Oh Amy...

(Amy's mom pulls up in car outside)

Amy: Shit, my mom is home!
Nick: Oh Amy... OH SHIT!

(Enter Amy's mom)
(Exit Amy with clothes)

Amy's mom: What the hell are you doing?!
Nick: Sitting here.

Amy's mom: Where the hell's Amy?
Nick: Upstairs.

Amy's mom: She just left you sitting here, like that, to face me alone???
Nick:....... yes......

And so, reason number 1, why I love Amy:

When the going gets tough, she's not afraid to save herself, and leave you to face certain death. Alone.

peace nick

F'd Up Friday - Birthday edition

Well children, today is Friday, and that means it's time for F'd Up Friday. That's where members of the reading audience get to submit questions or comments, and we'll post and take care of them here.

To play along, the email address is junyer_mint@yahoo.com

I'm going to add a new twist to F'd Up Friday... for every email received (non-spam), I will donate $1 to MidAmerica Rottweiler Rescue in honor of a rescue dog we used to have named Arri. When/if it hits $25, I'll send a donation and post the receipt.

Today's email comes from Sarah. She writes:

Date: Thurs, 4 Aug 2005 05:32:42 -0600
From: "Sarah"
To: "Nick"
Subject: Happy Birthday!

Nick, I hope you have a happy birthday this weekend! Do you have any special plans?

Love your blog, Sarah.
***

Sarah, thanks for the email and for catching my birthday (stalker). It's on Sunday. And yes, we do have special plans. Tonight we are going out for dinner and drinks at my favorite bar. I guess that's not too special since we do it every Friday... I'll probably just get drunk and dance naked on the bar, like usual. I know it drives the women wild... That's why they turn their heads and stick their fingers in their mouths.

And tomorrow we are heading to Wisconsin Dells, which is a lovely town in Central Wisconsin where my family owns a vacation home. We don't really have any plans other than conceiving several children.

Did you know that on the day I was born there was a full moon? That's f'd up.

Well kiddies, thanks for stopping by, and remember to get those emails in for next week. 1000s of homeless dogs are depending on you...

peace nick

My wife is up for grabs...

There is a reason that I love going to the bar. No, not to stare at the bartender who just can't find it in herself to pull her skirt down so you CAN'T see the bottom of her ass... No, not to drunkenly debate animal rights with the whacko veghead lady who gives you the evil eye the whole time you are eating... I love steak bitch, deal with it.

Because you learn soooooo much there. A little backround on me... I am boring, apparently. And a square. And old fashioned. I might as well just be old...

Last night Amy and I went to the bar to get some dinner and a few beers, and met a couple of friends down there.

I'm sitting there watching my friend drool over the bartender I mentioned above, and he is begging me to hook him up with her. I proceed to tell him that for one, she is dumb, and two, she has a bf.

He says, "it doesn't matter, even married women are fair game these days..."

Really... I, uh, wasn't awar... AMY! GET OVER HERE!

They never told me this when we went to those stupid marriage classes. None of my other married friends ever told me this. Nothing from the parents.... I feel as though I have been misled about the war, er, I mean marriage...

I wonder though, where this leaves married men. Are we also not fair game? I look over at the other bartender, a married man... sure enough, he cheats on his wife, and everyone knows it. Is there a time frame I have to wait before "being fair game"? It's going on 3 years in September... have I waited long enough?

So many questions about this new bit of info... 'spose I will have to head back the bar to do more research...

Man I love the bar...

peace nick

A urinal? How about a pillow fight?

Don't ask me how we always get into these conversations, but last night Amy and I were laying in bed...

Me: What would be the first thing you would do if you were a guy?
Amy: (thinks) Pee in a urinal?

Me: What? Why?!
Amy: I dunno, I just always wanted to pee in a urinal...

Amy: What would be the first thing you would do if you were a woman?
Me: Call my friends and have a pillow fight...

Amy: (sighs)
Me: In our underwear...

Amy: How did I know you were going to say that?
Me: mmmm.... Good night honey, love you.

Amy: Is that what guys really think girls...
Me: Shush! Yes, yes it is... don't ruin it...

mmmm....

peace nick

Amy rocks....

I told you all that as time went on I would show you how cool my wife, Amy, is. This about sums it up.

On Wednesday, we had an awards ceremony for work. The project that I have worked on for the last 3 years of my life got an award. Everyone who worked on the project got an award... except for me.

Why? I don't know, but it was like being kicked in the stomach. So I walked out, and have called in sick since.

I won't go into a lot of details, because if there is something I don't want to write about in my blog (other than in-laws) it's work.

Anyways, Amy felt bad for me (because that's what she does) and made me an award :) Ain't she sweet?

I think so. And as far as work... bleh.

peace nick

How my last blog died...

It may be the appropriate time to lay some backround for this blog. Last September I started blogging on a different blog, at that time called - how did you get here? I later changed it to - Washing your hands is stupid.

Everything was going fine, although if you were a reader of the last blog, it was considerably more political. I wasn't real happy about that. Not that I don't have political views now... I just think in general people are sick of the political crap. But I mostly tried to pick local topics, and stayed away from national politics.

Anywho... so I am sitting at a graduation party recently with Amy's family, and the topic turns to stuff on the internet... and I slowly slouch in my chair.... Then Amy's brother turns to me and starts talking about something he read in my blog.

Shit. Now I start going thru my mind and trying to remember all the crap I wrote... You know the feeling. Well, not much else is said by anyone else, so I assume he is basically the only family member to read it. So I decide in the next week to have a little fun with him... and I post this post:

Subject: I feel bad now...

Something happened last night. I don't yet know whether it will turn out to be good or bad.

Last night Amy and I went over to cook out with some friends and play some crochet. The beginning of the night was going well. Until we got home. Actually the ride home is when it started.

I didn't even think we drank that much but we started arguing about it. She was blabbing that I had too much to drink and was hitting on her friend. I was yelling that she was showing off to my friends... yadda yadda yadda...

By the time we got home it was getting physical and she kept grabbing my arm, just digging her fricken nails into my skin...

Then I hit her.

I don't think either of us realized what happened, we had never even come close to that point before. But now we were there. I had no idea what to expect at this point, so I pushed her down to the floor and tried to hold her there. Of course that didn't work... She was going crazy, so I let her go.

She takes off into the spare bedroom screaming that she is going to call her brothers to come kick my ass, which is hilarious... Her brothers all think they are tough, but it's not like I care about them. I really only have one to worry about, Pat, and I'm pretty sure I could take him one on one.

Anyways, the night went on, we kept fighting, but no one showed up. I don't think her family really cares one way or the other. Which is kewl, because if she ever gets in my face again, I may have to smack her again. And again. And again...

And if her family ever says anything, maybe I will smack them too. Again, and again, and again...


HAHAHAHA!

You think I would actually hit Amy?! I'm just kidding about all this...

I found out over the weekend that we have been sniffed out by family members and they are secretly keeping tabs on us... Just thought I would have a little fun to welcome them as readers...

Suckers...

peace nick

btw - Amy would whoop me, and her brothers would too. I'm dum, but not that dum.

Well... apparently that wasn't the smartest thing I have ever done, because word gets around and Amy's brother shows it to her mom.... And gets her all hyped up about, telling her that we are always fighting, and I'm hitting her and all this nonsense.

So she calls me at 10 at night, leaves a message, bitching up a storm, swearing, saying she is going to call the cops... blah blah blah...

That's it... the blog comes down. 3 weeks fricken later I finish putting months and months of posts into the archives (saved as drafts), which really f-ing sucks... let me tell you... And a new blog is born. That no one knows about, or will know about, because I will only be known as Nick in Wisconsin.

If they track this down, I will have to go into hiding again... So if you come here one day and we are down, shoot me an email and I will let you know where we end up.

The blogging will continue!!! A long story, but a little backround never hurts.

peace nick

Wedding Sex #1

Let's take a trip back in time. The year is 2002. The date, Saturday September 14th. A perfect early fall day in Wisconsin... the sun is shining.. the temperature is about 75... and the wedding bells are ringin'.

Children, it's time for Nick to get married. Despite being nervous, of course, the wedding goes well. A little side note here though, when you get married and you walk down thru the church together, and then you wait as people file out so you can hug them and whatever... don't say anything to people you don't recognize... trust me.

Anyways, after all the pictures and stuff, we do the cruise thru town, hit a bar... And I don't know how ya'll do weddings, like between the church and the dinner, but in Wisconsin we hit the bars. Yup, even on special occasions, we have to be piss drunk.

So we hit the bars, whatever, and then head over to the reception hall for dinner. We eat, I give some hardly romantic speech I hastily prepared the night before... See, I do fine in the romantic field if it's just for Amy... but if I have to get up in front of people and talk, my mind goes blank. But the crowd was drunk, I didn't have a mic... so, no one heard me ramble on anyways.

Now for everyone's favorite part... the dance. This is where the lights go down, the beer and other drinks flow, and people get their groove on. And did we get our groove on. I can't dance really, but I moved around the dance floor pretending pretty much all night.

The dance is also the part of the night where you start to catch people whom you know you never invited.

"Heyyyyy.... I know you! Were you invited? Yeah... I didn't think so... This ain't no funky reggae party, $5 at the door..."

We saw dozens of people we didn't invite. People I hadn't talked to for years showed up. Some people I didn't even know, never talked to, showed up. Ok fine. The beer was cheap, so, drink up.

Apparently two people who were not invited did... One of them (slut) came with my sister-in-law (we'll call her B). The other one (we'll call him T) came with an invited friend (we'll call him J). Following me yet? So slut, T and J, are drinking, dancing, having a good time... and then they decide to head outside to the parking lot. Remember this, I will come back to it.

So we are all dancing, whatever, and I look over and see my mother-in-law (m-i-l) bitching J out. And please excuse the language, but it's important.

m-i-l: "You better get checked for diseases, she f*cks N*GGERS!" (Whoa... See a pattern developing yet?)
J: "I didn't do anything, it was T!"

So I walk over to find out what is going on. Apparently they all go out into the parking lot, to B's car. Long story short (right...) my other sister-in-law (I have 3) walks by B's car and sees T and slut getting it on. She goes in and tells everyone.

So my m-i-l is bitching at J, B is bitching at slut for getting it on at her brother-in-law's wedding... in her car of all places... J sees me and pulls me aside...

J: "dude, I didn't do anything, it was all T"
me: "... why didn't you jump in?" (Remember, I'm drunk and think it's all funny...)

J: "dude, she wouldn't let me. She said she wouldn't do 2 guys at once."

I know, I know... wait just a f-ing minute....

So here you have some dumb slut, who is not invited to my wedding, goes out into the parking lot with 2 guys, screws 1 of them in her friend's car... and somehow she has the morals to say no way to just doing 2 guys at once???

I know, I was shocked too. But, that's the way it happened... how two uninvited people had sex at our wedding. Wedding Sex #2 someday will detail how we had sex at someone elses wedding 2 weeks later... someday...

peace nick