How about 7 ways to get wasted?

A meme from Brianne in Muncie (what a name for a city...)

7 Things You Plan to do Before You Die

1. Have kids
2. Own a business
3. Live in the country
4. Visit Europe
5. Actually get a college degree
6. Go snowboarding
7. Travel the east coast

7 Things You Can't Do

1. Sing
2. Dance
3. Fly
4. Levitate
5. Pick up chicks
6. Stay up past midnight
7. Go one day without masturbating

7 Things You Can Do

1. Have lots of sex
2. Drinks a lots
3. Play the guitar a little
4. Train dogs
5. Play hockey
6. Create a 3D computer model of anything
7. Write in this damn blog everyday

7 things that attract you to the opposite sex

1. Sense of humor
2. Intelligence
3. Nice boobs
4. I like big butts and I cannot lie...
5. Cold hands
6. Sweaty armpits
7. Non-stinky feet

7 things you say most:

1. Dude
2. Right?
3. I'm wasted
4. What's up?
5. Are you gonna drink that?
6. Hey, can I get a drink in this place?
7. Oh for fuck's sake

7 celebrity crushes (thanks... I'll be on the couch tonight...)

1. Maria Sharapova
2. Anna Kournikova
3. Drew Barrymore
4. Elisha Cuthbert
5. Jennifer Aniston
6. Beyonce Knowles
7. um.... uh.... I dunno, I'm bad with names...

7 people you want to take this quiz

Uh... I don't even think 7 people read this... I guess if you read this, and want to take it, feel free. Let me know so I can make fun of you though.

Whew... that was a lot of work....

peace nick

You go Katrina!

Talked to God this morning on the phone. To keep things quick (I have a paper to write), I'll only type what I said.

ring... ring...

God:...

Me: Yeah, God?
God:...

Me: Yeah, I know you're busy.
God:...

Me: That is kewl. Actually that was what I was calling about. 'Member when we were down there in New Orleans a couple of years ago?
God:...

Me: Oh yeah, the K9 cop when we were sitting in the restaurant... Yeah, that was hilarious God. What were you trying to do, give us a heart attack?
God...

Me: What are you, my mom now?
God:...

Me: Fine. So anyways. 'Member when we were walking on Bourbon Street and that crackhead squirted a bunch of shit on our shoes, and then stole $20 from me?
God:...

Me: Yup, that's the guy!
God:...

Me: Kill him. And make it a horrible death... you know, if you could.
God:...

Me: Oh, I dunno... Maybe a coffin could come cruising by and decapitate his ass.
God:...

Me: Alright, that's kewl too.
God:...

Me: Great! Thanks God!
God:...

Me: What? No, I don't care if it rains Tuesday, I got class.
God:...

Me: Right on. K, talk to ya later God.

peace nick

F'd Up Friday - a fan favorite

Well children, today is Friday, and that means it's time for F'd Up Friday. That's where members of the reading audience get to submit questions or comments, and we'll post and take care of them here.

To play along, the email address is junyer_mint@yahoo.com You email, I donate $1 to MidAmerica Rottweiler Rescue in honor of a rescue dog we used to have named Arri. When/if it hits $25, I'll send a donation and post the receipt. We're at, uh... $5 now. That should get some poor dog a nice leash...

Today's email comes from long time reader and supporter, Sandi. She writes:

Date: Sun, 21 Aug 2005 06:17:57 -0700
From: "Sandi"
To: "Nick"
Subject: Finally got around to it.

I have to help the puppies!

So here is the question, and it has nothing to do with relationships: What sports do you watch, and who are your favorite teams?

Also as a little side thought, how's the biz plan going?
***

Thanks for the email Sandi. As far as sports go, I really only watch football these days. I used to play a lot of sports, hockey for nine years, football for a couple, baseball, soccer when I was a kid.

I grew up in the middle of hockey country, my neighbors were die-hard hockey players. I think one is even still playing over in Germany in some semi-pro league. Unfortunately when I got to high school, going out and getting liquored and drugged up became a little more important than playing sports.

I'm really a fair weather fan for sports other than football. I watched a lot of Milwaukee Bucks basketball when they were half way decent. Never really caught on to watching and following baseball or hockey though.

But football... Football is the perfect sport for people like me who just want to party and get drunk, but can't sit still too long. I think I have AADD or something. The season is relatively short, the action is virtually constant and while there is no fighting allowed like hockey, there is a fair amount of players getting their snot rocked. Which rocks.

As far as favorite teams, of course, I'm a Packers fan.

You also asked about the business. Nothing new to report lately other than we still don't have any money. We're spending what we do have to work on our house (roofing and painting it) in hopes we can gain some collateral, although it likely won't get us a business in the near future.

And we're currently waiting for one of our sweet hook ups to get his ass out of jail. I know, that sounds bad... it's a long story.

Well kiddies, thanks for stopping by, and remember to get those emails in for next week.

peace nick

You will be bidding on my hot ass...

I've decided to auction myself off. The bidding will start at $10. Do I hear $20?

peace nick

This is not a meme, this is the real deal...

Dawn axes the following on her blog:

1) Do you think your blogging friends have an accurate image of you? How well do you think you know them?

I would say no, the people who read my blog probably think I'm a womanizing alcoholic. Sure, I would like to be that, but I'm really not.

2) Is there a certain 'type' of blog that you usually read? Do you mostly read blogs of people similar to you or different from you?

I like blogs where the writer is creative. I'm not big on strictly political blogs, and it gets boring when people rattle on and on about things in their lives that no one else can relate to or understand. I like a little humor. I like people who let it all out, and aren't afraid to get a little crazy sometimes.

3) If there was a blog convention and you had the opportunity to meet everyone in blog-land in real life would you go?

Hmmm... tough one. I would probably say I would go, and make plans, but chicken out at the last second. I'm too shy in real life to meet a bunch of people in that situation. I'd like to say I would, but there's a better than 50/50 chance I would skip it. Although it would make fantastic blogging material...

4) If you went and you were seated at a table for four, which other bloggers would you want at your table?

My first one would be drunklaw. You can never know too many lawyers. My second would be Lulu. Only because I know she is going to be hitting on every good looking guy there, and that's good entertainment. My third would be Blake K. He's going to be ripping everything from the silverware to parking arrangements. After 4 or 5 drinks with these three, it's a guarantee that I'll be rolling on the floor laughing my ass off, and that's how you know you've had a good night.

5) Do you share your blog with significant others, family and friends in your real life or is it your little secret?

Only my wife, and even that took some time. Not because I rip my family or friends, I just don't want to be constrained by who reads this. If someone doesn't understand my sense of humor, there's a good chance that they will misunderstand my writing. Nothing kills the creative soul faster than someone misunderstanding you, and then getting offended by it.

Weeee, that was fun!

peace nick

What's Heath Ledger got on me?

Ok, fine, so I wasn't in the Patriot...

Kiss my ass Heath Ledger...

(click the pic for a larger version)

peace nick

Men are superficial... only if you're ugly...

I thought this quote from a story here was funny:

New York matchmaker Janis Spindel, a self-described specialist at setting up "highly successful, well-educated, attractive professionals," confirmed the survey's findings. "It's scary, but women don't care [about looks]," she said. "Men are very superficial and very shallow."

Well Janis, only if you're ugly...

Are men really superficial and more concerned with looks than women? Yes. But only because there are a larger number of attractive women, than there are attractive men. Let's face it, most men are ugly and gross. If women were as superficial, they would all be single.

I think there is hope for women though. There are ways to get around being physically attractive, and that's having an attractive personality. If you're ugly and a bitch, there is no hope. But if you are ugly and cool, we can still be friends....

peace nick

F'd Up Friday - A controversy in and of itself

Well children, today is Friday, and that means it's time for F'd Up Friday. That's where members of the reading audience get to submit questions or comments, and we'll post and take care of them here.

To play along, the email address is junyer_mint@yahoo.com For every email received (non-spam), I will donate $1 to MidAmerica Rottweiler Rescue in honor of a rescue dog we used to have named Arri. When/if it hits $25, I'll send a donation and post the receipt. So far we're at $3... pathetic...

Today's email comes from Dawn. She writes:

Date: Fri, 5 Aug 2005 12:32:42 -0600
From: "Dawn"
To: "Nick"
Subject: Another Question

Dear Nick -- is it Nicholas?
Anyway - so you've mentioned that you and your wife got married at a relatively young age and were together for a long time before that. My question is what were you thinking? NO, I'm kidding that isn't my question. But most men have some degree of commitment phobia and I'm wondering how your wife managed to catch you at such a young age and keep you for so long and presumably for the rest of your life? What are the 3 things you love most about her?

Dawn
***

Dawn, thanks for the email. It's Nick to ya'll, only my mom and wife get to call me Nicholaus (with a "u"). As you can see, I've spent the past week answering your question. Sure, I could have done it in one fell swoop, but what fun is that? And it has not been without controversy my dear Dawn... We have even been featured and discussed on other blogs. Unfortunately most of the discussion has been by people who have apparently spent no time reading the rest of my writing, so they don't realize I was mostly joking... Oh well, I don't mind being cannon fodder for the masses...

But yes, it is true. Amy and I met in high school ('97) at the tender age of 17. We met because I wanted to go out with her friend, and she wanted to go out with my friend. If that isn't fate, what is??? Well, we soon realized they were losers, and about the same time, realized how well we got along. We were both just sick of the same immature, high school relationships we were getting into. So, after high school we moved out together, five years later we were married, and the rest is history. This January we will be together for nine years. That's a long f-ing time peeps!

I think it was being such good friends first that has led to a successful relationship. She is my best friend, male or female. I trust her with my life, and there has never been an ounce of jealousy to speak of. I don't believe in soul mates, but if I did, she would be mine. That sounds cheesy, but it's just true.

Well kiddies, thanks for stopping by, and remember to get those emails in for next week.

peace nick

Men don't know what commitment phobia is...

I was recently asked about commitment phobia. Are most men afraid to commit to a relationship? I love it when women ask such silly questions, because it's apparent they are under the assumption that most men even know what the heck something like that means. Or care for that matter.

It's painfully clear to me that women in general just overanalyze everything. It's not necessary. Most men, not all, but most can be reduced to what I call the three S's.

Sex, Sports and Spirits. No, not ghosts you fools...

It takes one of those things, although, the more the merrier, to make the average man happy. Don't ask me why, it's just part of the genetic code of the modern day man. It's like wondering why women have to get their hair wet in the morning, and then get it dry, and then put a bunch of shit in it to get it wet again and then all the f-ing makeup and god knows what else goes into the daily routine of the modern day woman...

Guys don't sit around wondering about that shit. It's just life, you deal with it, and all the f-ing hair in the drain that goes with it, and you move on.

BTW - a great invention would be a chemical that makes women's hair stay on their damn heads! Maybe some glue mixed with hairspray? I dunno, but someone better figure it out. Quick.

Where was I going with this... Oh yeah, the commitment phobia...

I met Amy when I was 17. Shortly after, we got together and have been so ever since. We have a spat here and there, but for the most part, we get along great. Why? Because, the sex is great and often, we drink a lot (which has a big influence on the great and often sex) and Amy understands that I enjoy sports, and she doesn't inhibit my watching and participating in them. Quite the contrary.

Now, I know what you are thinking. "oh great, all I get is drunken sex with football on the television." Not necessarily, but the three S's are the base of the relationship. Consider it the foundation crap you women put on before all the other makeup crap. If you put the makeup crap on without the foundation crap, it looks like shit.

So, by the same logic, if you embrace the three S's as the foundation of your relationship, there will be no problems with commitment. You will find your men actually willing to do the crap that you women like to do (shopping, watching cheesy movies, etc...). But like the labor unions, men don't work for free. Don't expect us to be willing participants in the crap you want to do if we don't get a healty dose of the crap we want to do, the three S's.

And here you women have been listening to Oprah all these years, expecting her to solve this age old problem. Oprah ain't got shit on me people...

peace nick

How I got to loving Amy - Take 3

When Amy worked at her previous job for a local newspaper, we played on a softball team that was sponsored by the newspaper. It was full of geeks that were employees of a sister company, an ISP. I could have just said they worked for an ISP and you would have known they were geeks, but the extra emphasis doesn't hurt.

The season was painful and full of high school like drama, including the pitcher quitting in the middle of the season because we refused to show up to their gay ass practices, but demanded playing time in the games.

It's f-ing softball you nerds, what is there to practice???

Anyways, after the season the team had a party to celebrate our nerdiness and how much we sucked. Since I am an introvert, and hated most of these geeks, I got really drunk so I could try to have some fun. And when I get drunk, I talk. A lot. And I say really stupid things.

Hey, some people get violent when they drink, so it could be worse...

So... we were having some conversation about the places we work, and I launch into this egotistical diatribe about how where I work is so much better than where Amy works, and then I say something so incredibly stupid. Now that I look back at it, I cry. It was something like:

"(Amy's company) is a PISS ANT company compared to (my work)!"

Have you ever had that dream where you are naked in front of school and everyone is looking at you, not saying anything, just staring in utter amazement? It was kind of like that.

So I get up and walk out of the garage and Amy follows me out.

Amy: That was the owner that you were sitting next to!
Me: So that's who that old guy was...

Amy: Uh, yeah...
Me: Oh well, you hate your job anyways.

And then I turn around and he is walking right behind us with his wife to leave, having heard enough of me I'm sure...

And so, reason number three, why I love Amy:
Despite what a drunken jackass I am sometimes, she still hasn't killed me for the insurance policy.

peace nick

How I got to loving Amy - Take 2

In the latter part of 2003 Amy started a new job. A local mob boss was in the early stages of opening two new businesses, a craft mall and a bar, and needed an accountant/book-keeper person. Amy was the girl for the job.

The rest of the year, and the early part of 2004 was a trying time. She worked a lot, and I sat around the house with the dogs drinking a lot. But not smoking. I quit smoking cigarettes in March of 2002, after 9 years. So did, I thought, Amy.

Now this is 2004 mind you, must have been about May or June. I never saw Amy smoke, never smelled it, never suspected anything. Friends and family were sworn to secrecy. Bastards.

So we are at this party for her work, where the mob boss brings all the loan people out to kiss their asses. We're at the bar. The tyme machine is broke, so I go home to grab the checkbook. I grab her purse and out pops a bunch of cigarettes.... The guilt for these cigarettes was too much. It was time to give themselves in.

When I got back to the bar, I hinted to Amy that I knew, and then played it cool so she could wonder all night what I was thinking. I'm mysterious like that... it drives women wild...

But when we got home, all bets were off and we entered at least a good week of wonderful conversations and loving embraces. At one point we held a conversation something to the effect of:

Me: Why wouldn't you just tell me? It's not like I'm going to beat you. (blatant lie... I would beat her ass in a minute...)
Her: Because I didn't want you to be mad.

And so, reason number two, why I love Amy:

She is willing to risk life and limb to conceal her actions for years, as long as it keeps me from getting mad.

peace nick

How I got to loving Amy. Take 1.

Someone already has an email (that's one whole dollar to Rottweiler Rescue...) in that I plan to address for this Friday's post. But I think it will help if I spread out the answer a bit this week, so I don't have to cram everything in on Friday.

So sit back, crack open a beer and enjoy yourself.

A Mid-Summers Afternoon, a play by Nick.

Setting: Amy's house
Characters: Amy, Nick, Amy's mom

Scene 1: (Amy and Nick, age 17, make out on couch half naked)

Amy: Oh Nick...
Nick: Oh Amy...

(Amy's mom pulls up in car outside)

Amy: Shit, my mom is home!
Nick: Oh Amy... OH SHIT!

(Enter Amy's mom)
(Exit Amy with clothes)

Amy's mom: What the hell are you doing?!
Nick: Sitting here.

Amy's mom: Where the hell's Amy?
Nick: Upstairs.

Amy's mom: She just left you sitting here, like that, to face me alone???
Nick:....... yes......

And so, reason number 1, why I love Amy:

When the going gets tough, she's not afraid to save herself, and leave you to face certain death. Alone.

peace nick

F'd Up Friday - Birthday edition

Well children, today is Friday, and that means it's time for F'd Up Friday. That's where members of the reading audience get to submit questions or comments, and we'll post and take care of them here.

To play along, the email address is junyer_mint@yahoo.com

I'm going to add a new twist to F'd Up Friday... for every email received (non-spam), I will donate $1 to MidAmerica Rottweiler Rescue in honor of a rescue dog we used to have named Arri. When/if it hits $25, I'll send a donation and post the receipt.

Today's email comes from Sarah. She writes:

Date: Thurs, 4 Aug 2005 05:32:42 -0600
From: "Sarah"
To: "Nick"
Subject: Happy Birthday!

Nick, I hope you have a happy birthday this weekend! Do you have any special plans?

Love your blog, Sarah.
***

Sarah, thanks for the email and for catching my birthday (stalker). It's on Sunday. And yes, we do have special plans. Tonight we are going out for dinner and drinks at my favorite bar. I guess that's not too special since we do it every Friday... I'll probably just get drunk and dance naked on the bar, like usual. I know it drives the women wild... That's why they turn their heads and stick their fingers in their mouths.

And tomorrow we are heading to Wisconsin Dells, which is a lovely town in Central Wisconsin where my family owns a vacation home. We don't really have any plans other than conceiving several children.

Did you know that on the day I was born there was a full moon? That's f'd up.

Well kiddies, thanks for stopping by, and remember to get those emails in for next week. 1000s of homeless dogs are depending on you...

peace nick