My wife is up for grabs...

There is a reason that I love going to the bar. No, not to stare at the bartender who just can't find it in herself to pull her skirt down so you CAN'T see the bottom of her ass... No, not to drunkenly debate animal rights with the whacko veghead lady who gives you the evil eye the whole time you are eating... I love steak bitch, deal with it.

Because you learn soooooo much there. A little backround on me... I am boring, apparently. And a square. And old fashioned. I might as well just be old...

Last night Amy and I went to the bar to get some dinner and a few beers, and met a couple of friends down there.

I'm sitting there watching my friend drool over the bartender I mentioned above, and he is begging me to hook him up with her. I proceed to tell him that for one, she is dumb, and two, she has a bf.

He says, "it doesn't matter, even married women are fair game these days..."

Really... I, uh, wasn't awar... AMY! GET OVER HERE!

They never told me this when we went to those stupid marriage classes. None of my other married friends ever told me this. Nothing from the parents.... I feel as though I have been misled about the war, er, I mean marriage...

I wonder though, where this leaves married men. Are we also not fair game? I look over at the other bartender, a married man... sure enough, he cheats on his wife, and everyone knows it. Is there a time frame I have to wait before "being fair game"? It's going on 3 years in September... have I waited long enough?

So many questions about this new bit of info... 'spose I will have to head back the bar to do more research...

Man I love the bar...

peace nick

A urinal? How about a pillow fight?

Don't ask me how we always get into these conversations, but last night Amy and I were laying in bed...

Me: What would be the first thing you would do if you were a guy?
Amy: (thinks) Pee in a urinal?

Me: What? Why?!
Amy: I dunno, I just always wanted to pee in a urinal...

Amy: What would be the first thing you would do if you were a woman?
Me: Call my friends and have a pillow fight...

Amy: (sighs)
Me: In our underwear...

Amy: How did I know you were going to say that?
Me: mmmm.... Good night honey, love you.

Amy: Is that what guys really think girls...
Me: Shush! Yes, yes it is... don't ruin it...

mmmm....

peace nick

Amy rocks....

I told you all that as time went on I would show you how cool my wife, Amy, is. This about sums it up.

On Wednesday, we had an awards ceremony for work. The project that I have worked on for the last 3 years of my life got an award. Everyone who worked on the project got an award... except for me.

Why? I don't know, but it was like being kicked in the stomach. So I walked out, and have called in sick since.

I won't go into a lot of details, because if there is something I don't want to write about in my blog (other than in-laws) it's work.

Anyways, Amy felt bad for me (because that's what she does) and made me an award :) Ain't she sweet?

I think so. And as far as work... bleh.

peace nick

How my last blog died...

It may be the appropriate time to lay some backround for this blog. Last September I started blogging on a different blog, at that time called - how did you get here? I later changed it to - Washing your hands is stupid.

Everything was going fine, although if you were a reader of the last blog, it was considerably more political. I wasn't real happy about that. Not that I don't have political views now... I just think in general people are sick of the political crap. But I mostly tried to pick local topics, and stayed away from national politics.

Anywho... so I am sitting at a graduation party recently with Amy's family, and the topic turns to stuff on the internet... and I slowly slouch in my chair.... Then Amy's brother turns to me and starts talking about something he read in my blog.

Shit. Now I start going thru my mind and trying to remember all the crap I wrote... You know the feeling. Well, not much else is said by anyone else, so I assume he is basically the only family member to read it. So I decide in the next week to have a little fun with him... and I post this post:

Subject: I feel bad now...

Something happened last night. I don't yet know whether it will turn out to be good or bad.

Last night Amy and I went over to cook out with some friends and play some crochet. The beginning of the night was going well. Until we got home. Actually the ride home is when it started.

I didn't even think we drank that much but we started arguing about it. She was blabbing that I had too much to drink and was hitting on her friend. I was yelling that she was showing off to my friends... yadda yadda yadda...

By the time we got home it was getting physical and she kept grabbing my arm, just digging her fricken nails into my skin...

Then I hit her.

I don't think either of us realized what happened, we had never even come close to that point before. But now we were there. I had no idea what to expect at this point, so I pushed her down to the floor and tried to hold her there. Of course that didn't work... She was going crazy, so I let her go.

She takes off into the spare bedroom screaming that she is going to call her brothers to come kick my ass, which is hilarious... Her brothers all think they are tough, but it's not like I care about them. I really only have one to worry about, Pat, and I'm pretty sure I could take him one on one.

Anyways, the night went on, we kept fighting, but no one showed up. I don't think her family really cares one way or the other. Which is kewl, because if she ever gets in my face again, I may have to smack her again. And again. And again...

And if her family ever says anything, maybe I will smack them too. Again, and again, and again...


HAHAHAHA!

You think I would actually hit Amy?! I'm just kidding about all this...

I found out over the weekend that we have been sniffed out by family members and they are secretly keeping tabs on us... Just thought I would have a little fun to welcome them as readers...

Suckers...

peace nick

btw - Amy would whoop me, and her brothers would too. I'm dum, but not that dum.

Well... apparently that wasn't the smartest thing I have ever done, because word gets around and Amy's brother shows it to her mom.... And gets her all hyped up about, telling her that we are always fighting, and I'm hitting her and all this nonsense.

So she calls me at 10 at night, leaves a message, bitching up a storm, swearing, saying she is going to call the cops... blah blah blah...

That's it... the blog comes down. 3 weeks fricken later I finish putting months and months of posts into the archives (saved as drafts), which really f-ing sucks... let me tell you... And a new blog is born. That no one knows about, or will know about, because I will only be known as Nick in Wisconsin.

If they track this down, I will have to go into hiding again... So if you come here one day and we are down, shoot me an email and I will let you know where we end up.

The blogging will continue!!! A long story, but a little backround never hurts.

peace nick

Wedding Sex #1

Let's take a trip back in time. The year is 2002. The date, Saturday September 14th. A perfect early fall day in Wisconsin... the sun is shining.. the temperature is about 75... and the wedding bells are ringin'.

Children, it's time for Nick to get married. Despite being nervous, of course, the wedding goes well. A little side note here though, when you get married and you walk down thru the church together, and then you wait as people file out so you can hug them and whatever... don't say anything to people you don't recognize... trust me.

Anyways, after all the pictures and stuff, we do the cruise thru town, hit a bar... And I don't know how ya'll do weddings, like between the church and the dinner, but in Wisconsin we hit the bars. Yup, even on special occasions, we have to be piss drunk.

So we hit the bars, whatever, and then head over to the reception hall for dinner. We eat, I give some hardly romantic speech I hastily prepared the night before... See, I do fine in the romantic field if it's just for Amy... but if I have to get up in front of people and talk, my mind goes blank. But the crowd was drunk, I didn't have a mic... so, no one heard me ramble on anyways.

Now for everyone's favorite part... the dance. This is where the lights go down, the beer and other drinks flow, and people get their groove on. And did we get our groove on. I can't dance really, but I moved around the dance floor pretending pretty much all night.

The dance is also the part of the night where you start to catch people whom you know you never invited.

"Heyyyyy.... I know you! Were you invited? Yeah... I didn't think so... This ain't no funky reggae party, $5 at the door..."

We saw dozens of people we didn't invite. People I hadn't talked to for years showed up. Some people I didn't even know, never talked to, showed up. Ok fine. The beer was cheap, so, drink up.

Apparently two people who were not invited did... One of them (slut) came with my sister-in-law (we'll call her B). The other one (we'll call him T) came with an invited friend (we'll call him J). Following me yet? So slut, T and J, are drinking, dancing, having a good time... and then they decide to head outside to the parking lot. Remember this, I will come back to it.

So we are all dancing, whatever, and I look over and see my mother-in-law (m-i-l) bitching J out. And please excuse the language, but it's important.

m-i-l: "You better get checked for diseases, she f*cks N*GGERS!" (Whoa... See a pattern developing yet?)
J: "I didn't do anything, it was T!"

So I walk over to find out what is going on. Apparently they all go out into the parking lot, to B's car. Long story short (right...) my other sister-in-law (I have 3) walks by B's car and sees T and slut getting it on. She goes in and tells everyone.

So my m-i-l is bitching at J, B is bitching at slut for getting it on at her brother-in-law's wedding... in her car of all places... J sees me and pulls me aside...

J: "dude, I didn't do anything, it was all T"
me: "... why didn't you jump in?" (Remember, I'm drunk and think it's all funny...)

J: "dude, she wouldn't let me. She said she wouldn't do 2 guys at once."

I know, I know... wait just a f-ing minute....

So here you have some dumb slut, who is not invited to my wedding, goes out into the parking lot with 2 guys, screws 1 of them in her friend's car... and somehow she has the morals to say no way to just doing 2 guys at once???

I know, I was shocked too. But, that's the way it happened... how two uninvited people had sex at our wedding. Wedding Sex #2 someday will detail how we had sex at someone elses wedding 2 weeks later... someday...

peace nick

All about me, kinda...

I stole this idea from another blog (Chai and Apple Pie, link on the right), because I think it's a good idea. Not that any of you care about any of this, but it's better I'm sure than listening to me rant about school last night. Enjoy!

1. I married my high school sweetheart
2. I was a virgin until we met
3. I met her thru her friend, who was my childhood crush
4. And my friend, who was hers
5. I tried crack when I was 13
6. I started smoking when I was 13
7. I quit 9 years later, and haven't smoked since
8. I sold LSD in my high school biology class
9. And did LSD more than I care to admit
10. I only got 3 points off on my driving test
11. But have caused 2 accidents
12. I've been bit by a Rottweiler
13. Twice
14. I used to put on a bite suit to train protection dogs
15. In 7 years, we've had 10 dogs, some were foster dogs
16. I was on the board for a dog rescue for 6 years
17. Now that I'm retired from dog rescue, I miss it
18. I used to design machines that made adult diapers
19. Now I design bathing products
20. I was on Tom Cruise's personal jet
21. I flew to Tennessee and back in one day
22. Twice
23. I hate flying
24. I'm afraid of heights
25. I'm a trivia nut
26. And a history nut
27. I'm just nuts
28. I have an 80+ strong beer bottle collection, all full
29. My dream is to own a banquet hall
30. My dream banquet hall is currently for sale
31. I don't have enough money to own my dream banquet hall
32. I have 90+ college credits, and no degree
33. I'm currently getting my bachelor's in engineering
34. I don't want to be an engineer (see #29)
35. My birthday is August 7
36. I'm 25
37. My dad passed away when I was 24
38. I'd give anything to be 23
39. I have 2 sisters, and 1 adopted brother
40. I used to be in a band called Wicked Pete
41. We dropped - and the Beer Drinking Goats - from the name
42. I can play guitar, the bass and a little of the drums
43. I can't sing to save my life
44. I wish I knew how to play the piano
45. And the harmonica
46. I used to be a punk
47. I used to hang out with skinheads
48. Then I realized racism sucks
49. I was once asked to join a gang
50. I played hockey for 9 years
51. I was a cub scout
52. I'm supposedly Lutheran
53. I don't believe in a God
54. I don't believe in ghosts
55. I'm clausterphobic, but not afraid of the dark
56. I think horror movies are dumb
57. I can't dance
58. My favorite movie is Old School
59. My favorite food is a bacon cheeseburger
60. My favorite beer is Blue Moon, with an orange slice
61. The sight of blood makes me sick
62. I have never broken a bone
63. I have lived in Tennessee
64. And Upper Michigan
65. I was born in Wisconsin
66. Because the town we lived in (in Michigan) had no hospital
67. I had 5 wisdom teeth
68. My hair would be grey if I didn't dye it
69. I've never used Nair on my private area
70. I was once a pin chaser (you know, bowling lanes?)
71. I was once a janitor
72. I watched an F5 tornado, start to finish
73. The philosophies of true communism fascinate me
74. I believe anarcho-socialism would be great
75. I voted for Bush
76. Twice
77. I'm pro-abortion
78. I don't have any guns, but I do have a battle axe
79. I wish I had computer hacking skills
80. I can't draw
81. I once protested in front of a pet store
82. I was once a show and tell... with my dog
83. I have Wayne Gretzky's autograph
84. I had Hulk Hogan's, but lost it
85. I really don't think washing your hands is stupid
86. This is my second blog
87. My mother-in-law got pissed about the first one, dooming it
88. Even my wife doesn't know about this one
89. Two uninvited strangers had sex at our wedding
90. Two weeks later, we had sex at someone else's
91. At my dream banquet hall
92. The one that's for sale
93. Which we can't afford
94. I'm running out of things for this list
95. I can ride a bike backwards
96. I can't stand the color pink
97. I'm hungry
98. I need to lose weight
99. I'm seriously out of ideas
100. I thank you for reading

peace nick

But I don't wanna go!

Well, I do, but I don't. Go to school that is. Tonight begins another 8 week class in my quest to take the most college courses without actually earning a degree.

I went to school for two years to get my Associates Degree... and dropped out 6 credits shy. Two classes.

Everybody now.... LAZY ASS! That's right, I am lazy. But at least I didn't have to sit thru Intro to Psych. or Intro to Soc. Yeah... who's the joke on now?

Four years later I enrolled in college again. Not because I had overcome my laziness, oh no... Because at the time I wanted to actually advance in the career I am in... and my work pays for the majority of school... and... and.... apparently I was drunk.

I really have no interest in advancing in my career. I only want to make a living while I figure out how to swindle some bank into financing my business. So why keep going to school?

I guess I'm still drunk. Or I better be to get thru another 8 weeks of... let's see here.... um, Modern Historical Movements.

Modern Historical Movements?

Does anything strike you as odd about the name of that course? I guess me neither. If some college prof. came up with the name, it must make sense....

I think I'm going to transfer to one of those nicer liberal arts colleges with courses like:

Home Brewing 101
Advanced Concealing Pot Growing in Your Backyard Garden
Modern Pornography Movements

Hey, I gotta run and grab a drink.... I mean, study... (insert bong water bubbling noise here)

peace nick

My own t-shirt...

The real deal looks better than the .jpg...

peace nick

The best sex, never happens...

It seems like the best sex in the world, is not sex you have already had... it's the sex you COULD have had but for whatever reason, didn't. Your parents walk in, your house starts on fire, your wife chokes on a skittle... pick a whacky event, and it's likely to have stopped the greatest sexual event dead in it's tracks.

This past holiday weekend, we spent Saturday night in Wisconsin Dells. For those not familiar with the town, it's basically the biggest tourist trap Wisconsin has to offer. Waterparks a plenty, amusement parks, touristy downtown area... you know the type. Our family owns a vacation home in a resort called Christmas Mountain there, and we spent Saturday there and stayed over night.

Hell week had ended. What is hell week? The one week during the month in which a man gets nothing from his woman. Well, I shouldn't say "nothing", that's not fair, but not much... not as much as usual. So, as can be imagined, after this week, the sexual energy in a nympho man (pardon the oxymoron, but I'm trying to paint a picture here) is causing temporary insanity.

Saturday night we spent the night in a tent in the backyard of our little trailer/vacation spot. Sleeping on an air mattress. It makes for a nice, quick sexual experience to relieve the tension, but it's not going to exactly out-do the fireworks coming from the rest of the resort...

Fast foward to Sunday night though. No friends, no family, our own house... a half bottle of Amaretto, a wealth of Jaeger Bombs, and a 12 pack of Leine's Amber Light, etc. THIS is what firework shows are made of, if you catch my drift...

So, we're sitting around, watching Days of our Lives, drinking heavily and getting very, very drunk. And the deal is, I have to watch this crappy, weird, obnoxious soap... and during the commercials, well, I don't have to watch this crappy, weird, obnoxious soap... Still with me?

So by this point the Amaretto is gone, 3 or 4 Jaeger Bombs are gone, half the Amber Light is gone... and we have to shut all the windows to keep the neighbor kids from congregating outside...

I'm of course the happiest man alive by now, I'm thinking this is going to be the greatest night of my life, so I do what any man does, and I go to the kitchen for another beer... let the dogs outside... stumble around the kitchen in a blurry haze...

Enter Amy. Choking. On a skittle(s). Scary moment... buzz gone... sexual energy, mostly gone...

Dear Skittles (Mars, Inc.),

I HATE YOU! YOU RUINED MY FRICKEN LIFE!

Fricken idiots...

peace,
nick

Me me and more me?

Alright guys, I'm lost... what the hell is a meme? MEME?

Hi... this is my meme. Mini-me?

WHAT IS IT?!?!?

Gawd I hate feeling so stupid...

Oh yeah, I got to see the largest flag in the country raised today from my beautiful view on the 5th floor of one of the oldest private American companies... Ain't life great? Dude... the stars on this freakin' thing are like 3 feet tall! Sorry for the bad photo...
















peace nick