And it makes me ha hahaha hahaha hahahahaha ha hard...

Over the past year or so, as the hot wife was pregnant, and then after we had Braeden, people have asked us how we manage to still have so much sex. Or various other questions dealing with the subject. And I kind of laugh and giggle, because when we talked about having kids, the first thing current parents would say is, "you won't have a sex life anymore". That was after they said we'd never sleep again...

When people told me that having kids pretty much did away with their sex life, what I really heard was - they didn't have much of a sex life to begin with. Yeah, you do have to be a little more creative, and yeah, you are a little more tired than you used to be. But come on... it's just sex. How hard is it?

Serious. I'm curious....

Luckily, with my vast knowledge in marital and sexual relationships, I think I can help. I've come up with some tips to help couples with children get a little more out of their sex life. Or, get one to begin with. Let's roll...

1. Plan ahead. I like to start planning in the morning. A few well placed comments sets the mood for the day, and then makes sure everyone is on the same page that night. I've found that - "hey slut, wanna get naked tonight?" - works better than you would think. Don't wait until 8:30 at night to make your move, chances are you're getting the "I'm watching that dumb show with that hot guy from 7th Heaven" response.

2. Start drinking early. I like to crack the first beer by about 6:00. That way, by the time the kid is crashed out, you've got yourself a nice buzz going. A couple of Jagerbombs, and you're dancing naked on the coffee table (not recommended)... And, by the time he wakes up around 11:00 or 12:00, you've had all the sex you can muster and have sobered up nicely.

3. Bring your own food. If you have kids, you know you never get to eat a decent meal. So why not combine the eating, with the sex? Only, remember that whipped cream contains lots of sugar and is not good in certain places... Stick with the vegetables like celery, carrots, or even cucumbers if you're feeling a little wild and crazy. Fruits make a tasty snack, but again, some are high in sugar... Oh, and don't forget the milk... very, uh, healthy...

4. Let the kid do the videotaping. Just kidding, you should probably not let your kids play with the video camera, if you like to have a working video camera...

5. This is more of a what not to do. Don't leave the baby monitor on when having sex. Unless you have real understanding neighbors...

6. Sometimes you have to speak in age-appropriate code language, but you can be creative and still get the point across. Try these out - "Hey, is that spit up, or are you just really happy to see me?" "Maybe after he goes to sleep, you could give me a bath?" "Did you know I'm not wearing a diaper?"

7. Watch a lot of porn. Not so much for the obvious reasons, but really, nothing makes you feel better about that little bit of baby weight than to watch some of the people they find for porn movies.... Trust me, you'll feel at the top of your game in no time. A good rule of thumb is - the cheaper the porn, the better you feel about yourself.

8. Take 15 minutes together and clean the house up. Maybe it's just us, but isn't it hard to have sex in the kitchen with all those dirty dishes piled up everywhere? But don't remove the toys from the couch cushions, because it's funny when they go off in the middle of... well, whatever it is you're doing on the couch.

9. Shower together. Besides being environmentally responsible, which, as you know I'm big on, there are so many other benefits. It's efficient, you're probably already awake and naked in the shower, it masks some of the sights and sounds, someone's there to wash your back, etc... Just remember that lubricant is not as effective in the shower, so probably not a good idea to play the drop the soap game...

10. When all else fails, get a babysitter. Some people get babysitters so they can go out to eat, or to a show, etc. Get a babysitter, and then go right back home and have sex. It's cheaper, you're not out late, your night won't be ruined by an under-cooked steak or a bad movie and the hot wife and I won't have to gag when we see you walking down the street holding hands like a bunch of high school kids on a date.

Well, hopefully some of these tips will help those of you with children get it on a little more. And then, when someone is having a kid for the first time, you don't have to scare the crap out of them with stupid comments like, "say goodbye to your sex life". It doesn't have to be that way.

Nick

Fuck you Friday was yesterday...

When it comes down to it, the hot wife and I are pretty pathetic. Even after 10 years together, we have never mastered the art of fighting or arguing with each other. I've always kind of admired the couples that can sustain hours of yelling and throwing shit at each other, and then they're pissed off at each other for weeks on end. High school couples often put us to shame when arguing.

Every one of our arguments over 10 years has started exactly the same way. Normally a couple with great communication, we've just never been good at coming forward with things that bother us. So one person basically walks into a booby trap, completely oblivious. And then it begins...

What's wrong?
Nothing...

Every time. As if the other person is stupid or something. Finally after much prying, we tell the other one what is bothering us. Then come rebuttals and counter-rebuttals and so on and so forth. And then... silence.

The silence portion of the argument is typically my doing. I just suck ass at confrontational conversing so I clam up. I'm a big believer in the fifth amendment. And I'm pretty sure this drives the hot wife absolutely crazy, but it's just how I deal with things. Or, not deal with things... I need time to let things soak in and develop a plan of action before I'm able to talk about it again. And this can last anywhere from 10 minutes to a day or so. I think one time I lasted a couple of days, but that was a pretty serious offense. If it goes too long, the hot wife knows that she can always revert to crying. Crying is like kryptonite to me, so she'll drop a few tears and I crumble like an old Vegas hotel... There is something written deep in my genetic code that will not allow for me to be upset with someone who is crying. I'm weak.

Then we'll talk again, clear the air and vow to the love god to be better people.

And that's pretty much it. Pathetic, isn't it?

Oh, wait, and then we have make-up sex... And when I say we have make-up sex, I really mean we... wait, uh, nevermind. Forgot which blog I was writing on there for a second...

BTW - I actually was in a band once. A prize to the first person who can name it... No, dear hot wife, you can't play...

BTW - We didn't get drunk and take showers together. But I have kissed the bass player. Wait a second... and then he dated my sister-in-law... I just threw up in my mouth.

BTW - The dog is real, and wasn't a metaphor. Please pray for her, because if anything happens to her, whole cities will burn to the ground...

Nick

What the band says, goes...

Let's suppose you're in a band. It's a punk band, because the only cool bands are punk bands. Anyways, so you've been in this band forever, like 10 years. You love the band. You'd give your right fucking nut for the band. You and the band are like best friends, you do almost everything together. You live together. You eat together. Hell, sometimes you get really drunk and take showers together. Hey, I didn't say the band was all the same sex... don't put words in my mouth.

And while you still do things without the band, like jam with other friends on the acoustics and shit, you are pretty much devoted to the band. The band man, the fucking band.

One day you're thinking about the band, and how much you love the band, and you think... man, wouldn't it be fucking great to do some live shit? You know, get the band's music out there so everyone can enjoy it. So you go to the band and you pitch your idea. And they love it! And you start planning your live career. We're gonna play this show, and do this on stage and yadda yadda yadda. Man, this is gonna rock!

You start doing some live shows. You still rock out together, and you still kind of do your own thing too. It's all good. The live shows are just making it better. It's like a whole new life for the band. It's fun! And of course, you just want to rock out with your band all the fucking time. Your band, not anyone else's band.

And then the band starts to get a little busy with other shit. Which is fine, it happens, it's happened before. So you think, hey, I'll just go out and promote the band and maybe do some solo shit while the band is busy, and we'll rock out whenever we have time. So you do that for a while, and it's not the same as before, but it's still all good. When you rock with the band, you really rock. The live shows rock. And you got fans all over the fucking place, coming out of the woodwork and shit. You and the band are the envy of more bands than you even know about.

Until one day, you come back to the garage from being out and promoting the band... and the band's pissed off.

Hey, what's wrong, totally awesome, rad fucking band?
Nothing, we're fine.

Dude. We've been a band forever, I can tell when something's up.
Well, we're not exactly happy that you've been spending so much time out there by yourself promoting the band.

Ok...
Yeah, and we're not exactly thrilled that you've been talking to other bands, and checking out other bands.

Uh...
And then, while we're busy and you're off promoting the band, the garage is a fucking mess.

You swallow hard, and wonder... Have you been promoting the band too much? Did you say something inappropriate to another band that maybe your band thought was inappropriate? You don't think you did. And sure, you've seen other bands, and told them they're pretty good and all, but it's not like you want to be with those other bands. You see bands with your band all the time, it's the same thing, and it doesn't seem to be a problem then. You're completely happy with your band, and you thought they were completely happy with you.

And besides, you clean the fucking garage all the damn time! Fuck!

But you don't want a big fight with the band, so you just go to bed and try to sleep it off. And while the band apologizes the next day, you still think that a lot of what was said was probably really how the band feels, but maybe they just don't want to fight either. Maybe the band isn't as happy as you thought it was and maybe all the live shit and promoting the band isn't such a good idea any more.

And then, to top it all off, you realize the fucking band dog, who has been with the band since it was practically formed, has arthritis so bad it can barely walk anymore. Fuck fuck fuck FUCK!

I guess, when it comes down to it, you really have to do all you can to keep the band happy and sacrifice the other shit. It's not as important. It doesn't make much sense to do live shows and promote the band, if there is no band to play live with and promote, right? You love the band, and you would do anything for the band, and when the band ain't happy, you ain't happy.

My advice for you, and your band, is to always make sure you are on the same page with shit. Even though you talk about stuff, and the band seems cool with all your new ideas and whatever, keep them involved and keep things out in the open. Or one day you'll walk in to the garage and the band is going to all pissed off at you. And it ain't no fun.

That's today's lesson kiddies. And for the love of the band, clean the fucking garage once in a while!

I was here first!

I don't see the whole big deal with this Sheryl Crow toilet paper crap. Listen bitch, when you were off biking around with Lance Armstrong, some of us were actually on the front lines taking the global warming fight to the streets! Like me, for example...



Nick

Dawn's turn...

Dawn's turn to interview...

1. If you had to cast living actors to play you and your wife in a new movie who would you choose?

Adam Sandler and Drew Berrymore

2. Do you believe in psychic phenomenon? Have you ever experienced it?
No, I don't really believe in psychic anything. I tend not to believe in things that are not easily proven, which is why I don't believe in a God. I have always been kind of fascinated with Nostradamus though LOL

3. If you could choose the very last thing you would see before you die, what would it be?
Thank you Dawn, this is exactly what I need to be thinking about at eight in the morning... I guess if I had to choose something, I would like to see my wife and son laughing and playing together. Any other really depressing questions you want to ask???

4. Have you ever considered joining the military? Which branch would you choose?

I've never seriously considered joining the military. I'm a loser. If I was going to join, I guess I would probably pick the Marines. No real logic behind that answer, but I've never given it much thought prior to this.

5. If you were to become the sex slave of one person from history, who would you want it to be?
I would make a great sex slave, wouldn't I? I'm pretty willing to do just about anything (nympho), and I think that's an important characteristic for a sex slave.

I think I would pick Mary Todd Lincoln. While she wasn't the cutest historic figure, there would be benefits. For one, most historians paint her as a little nuts, so I'm sure the sex would probably be very interesting. Two, a man of my sexual caliber would clearly put that Abe guy to shame, and that would be a big ego boost for me. And third, I would get an up close and one of a kind perspective into one of my favorite historic periods - the US Civil War.

Nick

Don't you know who I am?

Glad to see someone stole my idea and made a meme of it ... but whatever. I'll play along. First up, Not So Anonymous Confessions asks:

1. How did you meet your wife?

When we were seniors in high school, my best friend starting going out with the hot wife. So, I started going out with her friend. We started hanging out thru the transitive property and became really good friends. When we were both almost simultaneously dumped (losers), we decided that we would be much happier with each other. And the rest kiddies, is history.

2. As a dad, what types of things do you want to teach your son?

I would like to teach my kid independence, respect for other people/things and good manners. Things which I think are currently being lost in our society.

3. What are your favorite things?
3a. all-time favorite movie

Old School

3b. favorite song

Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here

3c. favorite food you never grow tired of

bacon cheeseburger

3d. favorite place to spend a Sunday afternoon

playing poker

3e. favorite childhood memory

9th grade when I did LSD for the first time. Six or seven of us slept over at a friend's house, whose mom was gone for the weekend. It was a crazy, crazy night. I think I was up for something like 27 hours straight.

4. What is one strong belief you hold that you will debate over with others?

Social Security private accounts are a good idea.

5. What’s the most romantic thing you ever did for/with your wife?

I think when I proposed to her was probably the most romantic thing I've done. First I had to convince her friends to drag her out of the house so I could execute the plan. Then I hung dozens of fake rings from the ceiling all over our apartment with fishing line. Covering all the rings were folded pieces of paper with - Will you marry me? - written on them. One of the rings was the real deal, so she had to go thru all of them to find it. And then I did the usual get down on one knee and proposed to her. We have it on videotape somewhere, maybe someday I could post it :)

And then of course, every meme comes with ridiculous demands...

* Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me"
* I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
* You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
* You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
* When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Nick

Book Review of the... well, forever.

I will very rarely do book reviews, because, well... I just don't read a lot. I have ADD when it comes to reading. Unless I have to read a book for school, I probably won't read it on my own. So it's a good thing I've spent the past decade in school, or I would have missed out on some good books.

One in particular I was forced to read for one of those feel good classes in college. You know the type... you get together and talk about how you can be a successful student, and you swear to do your homework, yadda yadda yadda. So in this class we were given The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey to read. I'd never heard of Stephen Covey before this class, and I was positive this book would be a waste of my time. But I read it anyways.

I don't consider myself a touchy, feely type person. I've spent a good portion of my life trying to suppress those emotions and "be a man". But honestly, by the time I finished the first habit, I felt so much better about my life that I was hooked into this book. I would read it for hours at a time.

For example, Habit 1 is - be proactive. Covey goes on to explain that:

Proactive people recognize that they are "response-able". They don't blame circumstances, conditions, or conditioning for their behavior. They know they choose their behavior. Reactive people, on the other hand, are often affected by their physical environment. If the weather is good, they feel good. If it isn't, it affects their attitude and performance.

While it's obvious that we control our own behavior and attitude, sometimes we need to be reminded of that. If someone says something negative to you, or about you, it's so easy to get caught up in that and be in a bad mood because of it. We all do it. But what Covey explains in his book is that only we can control our behavior, not other people. If you're in a bad mood, it's because of you, not because of someone else.

It's just simple things like this that Covey lays out in his book. They make so much sense when you read them, and when you make an effort to apply them to your life, it's hard for it not to turn out for the better.

I love this book, and I try to keep it in the back of my mind when negative things pop up, or even when I'm dealing with personal relationships in my life. Unfortunately I gave my copy to someone (whom I don't think read it...) but I'm hoping another copy will find it's way back to me. It's definitely a book I could read over and over, and I would highly recommend it to others.

Nick

Art of the week

There's lots of good Flickr groups out there these days. Like... groups of girls in bikinis... and........ well, that's the only other one I've found yet, but I'll keep looking.

This one is a good one though. Stick figures in peril. Some good stuff in there.

Yup.

Nick

Product of the week

In my opinion, the best ideas are those in which you see, and then smack yourself in the head for not thinking of first. The Gorillapod is one of those ideas.

When I was a janitor at a magazine printing company, I used to collect these flexible air hoses that were very similar to the ones they use for this Gorillapod. You could snap them together and customize them to take just about any shape you wanted. I never knew what to do with them though. Maybe if I didn't do so many drugs as a kid, I could have actually come up with an idea like this. Come to think of it, if I didn't do so many drugs as a kid, I probably could have come up with a lot of good ideas. Oh well.

I haven't picked one of these things up yet, so I can't comment on it's function, but the idea is a good one I think. I don't know if I would use it a lot, but I could see using it on a hiking trail or something when you can't find a flat surface to set your camera and you want to snap a timed shot of you and your significant other looking like a bunch of yuppies from the city pretending to be outdoor enthusiasts. Our favorite shot of course, but it's always of one of us or the other because we don't feel like dragging our tripod out when we're hiking around.

I'm thinking of some other more adult-oriented uses for this (with a camera, you sickos), but we'll save that for another post on another blog.

Nick

Day after humpday quiz...

That's right, it's quiz time again. Oh, don't cringe, you know you like it...

1. Do you think nationally syndicated radio talk show host Don Imus should be fired for calling a woman's basketball team "some nappy-headed hos"?

2. Aren't you the slightest bit worried that Dawn is now an Al-Qaeda agent, just having spent time in Pakistan with "family"???

3. You're standing in line at the grocery store. A mother is in line ahead of you with two small children who are begging the mother for candy. The mother continues to say "no", but as she's putting her groceries on the conveyor thingy, you see one the small children swipe a candy bar. Do you do anything? If so, what?

4. Why am I holding this cinder block in my hands? And why does this cinder block have a long rope tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of that rope tied securely to my penis?

5. What’s your favorite room in your house?

6. If a woman is found to have wrongfully accused a man of rape, should she then be charged with a crime?

7. If you comment on someone's blog, and the owner of the blog does not ever acknowledge your comment, does it bother you?

8. Are you planning for retirement, and if so, how?

9. You're eating lunch one day, a something or another with ketchup. A person approaches you and tells you that you should not eat ketchup because it contains salt and yadda yadda yadda, salt is bad for you, whatever, you'll die. Do you:
a. take the person's word for it and cease all ketchup eating
b. agree to later investigate ketchup and decide for yourself
c. tell the person to fuck off and mind their own business

10. Why am I getting so many hits coming from LiveJournal sites? Are you getting lots of hits from LiveJournal sites?

Nick

We're just... a minor threat...

Long before there were Fugazi and Bad Religion, there was today's artist of the week. Started in the early 80s by lead singer Ian MacKaye, Minor Threat was one of my favorite punk bands growing up. Unfortunately they didn't come out with a lot of music, but what they did come out with rocked. It was fast. And it had a message. Even though I haven't agreed with the message since the 7th grade, it was a respectable one. Minor Threat pioneered the straightedge movement and paved the way for a bunch of angry kids who drew x's on their hands and supposedly used their heads for all the right reasons. Like I said, I never bought into the message, but I love the music.

And so does Braeden...



p.s. - some Minor Threat over in the box for your listening pleasure...

p.s.s. - yes, I know, subjecting my child to punk music is child abuse. But, I figure if we're going to abuse him in one way, we might as well go the whole nine yards...

Nick

Happy Braeden-day

I realized that it's been some time since I've posted pictures of devil boy... so... enjoy!



Nick

I'm sick bitch!

I'm coming down with another cold, so I'm tired and I feel like shit. What better time to provide some lovely updates on life? Let's ride...

* First and most importantly, the hot wife is starting a new job tomorrow! If you don't congratulate her, I will take it as a personal insult towards me. Actually, this is a dream opportunity for her and she has worked very hard for years under less than ideal conditions to get where she is. I'm very proud of her. And... I look forward to the paychecks that are twice as big as before... We're rich bitch!

* Next up in importance... Braeden has sprung a tooth and has, at times, become the devil. He simply eats nice, angel Braeden and then spits him out some time later for no apparent reason. Little does devil Braeden know that all these little fits are being documented and he will pay later. Oh, he will pay. btw - no suggestions are needed here, for the devil cannot be tamed with things that work on normal children.

* When is it going to warm up so he can start sleeping out in the garage??!?!!? Where is global warming? I want it.

* Moving on. I actually did well in a poker tournament this weekend, placing 10th out of 144 players. Though doing that well does not mean I won any money. Everyone who finished better than me did, but no, not me. We call that the "bubble", and you don't want to go out on the bubble. It means you played for five and a half hours and only got a blistering headache from all the smoke. Which, I never used to support smoking bans, because I used to smoke myself. But if you smokers don't start dying faster, I'm going to have to start killing you myself. It would put you out of your misery, which is a good thing. And don't cry that it's hard to quit. I know. I smoked for nine years and quit. Toughen up and just do it. I'm not worried about second hand smoke, I'm just sick of smelling like a fuckin' chimney.

* I love the fact that I quit smoking. It really does make me feel like I'm better than people who smoke, and that's a wonderful feeling.

* I'm still irritated that I have apprarently not been able to turn certain members of my audience to some new music. Ok, I'm irritated that Stephanie doesn't like any of the music I post. I listen to a lot of different shit. She has to like something, right? Well, I'm going to keep trying until she says, "WOW! I love that! I'm going to run out and buy the CD tonight!!!" I always thought I would make the perfect dj, because like I said, I listen to a lot of different stuff. Although now I'm questioning myself, and I don't like that. I will not sleep until all of you have found a new artist you like... Stephanie - check the box for this week's music and let me know if I'm getting closer. If you like them, I will do an artist of the week post on them. Everyone else, trust me, you won't like it...

* Bow to your partner. G'day.

Nick