Thursday, April 28, 2005

I'm going to forget all of you when I'm rich...

Know what job I really, really want? Consultant. What the F$*& kind of job is "Consultant"?

Look into any political campaign, and they are loaded with consultants. What the hell do they do? Does the person running for office just look to you for advice?

"Hey Nick, as my consultant... do you think I should have an affair with one of my interns?"

"Uh, no Bob, you probably don't want to go there..."

"Yeah... you're right. What would I do without you?"

You'd probably save a lot of friggen money...

Governments and non-profits are big on consultants too. Because in general, those who work in those fields don't know squat about squat, so they need to pay other people to come in and enlighten them... And then these "consultants" turn around and charge outrageous "fees" because they know it's not the people writing the check who are paying for it.

That's the problem with governments and non-profits, they aren't using their own money so they have no problem pissing it away on non-value added crap. Which is what a consultant provides. Crap.

You never see private businesses using consultants for the exact reasons that governments and non-profits do use them. Private businesses are actually held accountable for the money they spend. If they want to know something, they go research it and figure it out themselves.

So I need a catchy name to compete with all these high priced consulting firms... hmmmm...

How about: Rapeyerass Consulting - "Have a stupid question? Call us, we have lots of stupid answers!"

Sweet... I'm gonna be RICH!!! Suckers!

peace nick, er, I mean...

peace Rapeyerass Consulting

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Where it's at...

I got two turn tables and a microphone.

Yeah BEEYATCH!

peace nick

Monday, April 25, 2005

You're actually grossing the bartender out...

One of the great things about being in a relationship with a great girl is that I never have to worry about my girlfriend and/or wife being a bartender. I always said that I would never allow the person I was with to be a bartender.

It's not that I am a jealous person... wait, yes I am...

This weekend we went out to a bar that just recently opened for a couple drinks and a pizza. We didn't even make it past the second drink, much less to the pizza.

We were in a group of five people, three girls and two guys. The bar was packed with some of Wisconsin's finest rednecks.... wall to wall. To the left us sat three men. Probably in their 40s, balding, overweight... you know the type...

Serving as bartenders were two girls. In their low 20s, one dressed half way decent, the other dressed like a slut.

Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em...

What took place over the hour or so as we sat there was exactly the reason I would not be with anyone who is a bartender. These three schmucks could barely keep the drool between their lips and their beer glass...

Now, I am a guy... I have been to bars with guys... I know what is going on here... A guy, or group of guys, see a girl who is hardly covering what should be covered, and of course they can't keep their eyes off. And they make all sorts of rude comments, and their tips are directly related to how much the bartenders act like sluts as they parade around behind the bar... and of course the old, fat, scary men make this well known...

Fine. It is what it is. I'm not saying it's right, but... it is what it is...

What made these guys look so stupid is that there is no way in hell either of these girls would give any of these guys the time of day. They were probably old enough to be their dads. And they were fat. And bald. And gross.

It's one thing to catch a peek here and there as the slutty bartender makes the rounds... It's a whole different, and sad, story to hang over the bar like slob and tell the bartender you will give her better tips if she starts taking off some clothing. Especially when, like I said, you are fat, bald, twice the girl's age, and just generally fricken gross...

Do you slobs not look in the mirror before you leave, and maybe even consider what type of girl you might actually have a chance in hell of picking up? Maybe try asking your wife... she should be able to help you out...

Or maybe I can help. If you are over 35, you're not picking the bartender up. If you are under 6', and over, say, 220... no chance bucko... If you are a jerk to the bartender, you are not getting anything.

Not that I have anything against old, over-weight, bald men, or that a lot of women do either... But lay off the 23 year old bartenders... you're grossing them out...

peace nick

Friday, April 22, 2005

Leave the kids alone...

Wow, I'm shocked that the ACLU is actually supporting new legislation in Florida that would lock up creeps who molest children under the age of 12 for 25 years to life. This should be a federal law, and the age should be higher in my book. And we should add more to it... like rape, kidnapping, etc...

Apparently the laws we have now are not doing anything to deter creeps who like little kids. Of course, when you have public trials like that of Michael Jackson's, which just makes a mockery of a very important topic, what do you expect?

Raise your hand if you think Michael Jackson is innocent.... now go shoot yourself...

There was a creep in our very own city government who recently resigned because they caught him looking at pictures of little girls on his work computer. He made $80,000 a year.

$80,000 a year! And supposedly he spent at least 4-6 hours every day looking at this crap. So what did our wonderful city manager do when he found out? He revoked his internet "priviledges" and sent him back to work.... Well turns out, after a partial Dept. of Justice investigation that he had over 50 pictures saved on his work computer of little girls having sex with men.

Did I mention he made $80,000 a year? To spend 4-6 hours a day looking at little girls on the internet? And they didn't fire him when they found out? And there are people in this city actually defending this creep?

My point is that people get off (no pun intended) way too easy for messing with kids. And obviously the internet has made the problem a zillion times worse. Because people will do things on the internet that they normally would not do, because they don't think anyone will find out.

Like searching for nude flight attendants... weirdos...

We need to find a way in this country to send a clear message that girls and boys under the age of 18 are OFF LIMITS. The wimpy laws and pansy attitudes we've had to this point are not cutting it.

At least Florida is doing something about it... when you catch these creeps, keep them locked up! FOREVER! There is no reason someone convicted of doing anything with a child should EVER leave jail alive. And I hope the half way sane people in jail beat their asses daily...

Get a hobby you sickos...

peace nick

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Long live the Pope...

Well, we now know who the selfish in this country are. And the rest of the world can see it now also. These so called Liberal Catholics. I happen to think liberal in general is the problem, but for the sake of this topic, we'll focus on the Catholics.

Yesterday a new Pope was chosen. Every news story that has covered his selection has had some whiny Catholic crying about how this Pope is probably not going to "reform the church".

Reform the church??? The Catholic Church is an institution that is centuries old. And for the most part, it has been run the same way, taught the same things... and most Catholics have no problem with that, even are attracted to that. They are not the ones that need to change...

But because of how selfish we have become as Americans, we now expect something that has existed for that long to just up and change every time a new fad comes along... Being gay, abortions, birth control, divorce, etc... these things are not acceptable to the Catholic Church.

Deal with it!

Why should the Catholic Church change? Or "reform"? Why don't all those people who believe in those things, and think they are perfectly acceptable change, and leave the friggen church???

I'm sick of people who think they can live however they want, do whatever they want, and expect everyone else to "reform" and change their beliefs to accomodate them.

If I don't believe being gay is acceptable, and I want to belong to a church who also doesn't believe being gay is acceptable, that's as much my right as it is for you to be gay. We shouldn't have to change everything we have worked for and believe in, so you can fit in as a member. It is what it is, don't be gay, or don't be a member.

Now, I don't belong to the Catholic Church, and I do believe all those things are acceptable. If someone wants to get an abortion, fine. I don't really care. Want to be gay? Be friggen gay. But that's the life you choose, and it's wrong to expect anyone else to change how they live, and what they believe in, to accept that if they don't want to.

The majority rules in this world. Until the majority of Catholics want to accept being gay, and having abortions, and killing people who can't feed themselves, those things are not going to be acceptable in the Catholic Church.

Deal with it, or leave the church. Is that so hard? No, but it does require not being selfish. And apparently Americans aren't capable of not being selfish...

peace nick

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Maybe 3 or 4... but not 6!

It seems weird talking with your family about how often you should be having sex. But that's exactly what we had to suffer thru the other night. What was even more uncomfortable was the consensus on just how many times a week that is...

Six. 6. Seis. Sechs.

Wait... sechs? Sex/Sechs? Six in German is sechs? Them crazy Germans are on to something apparently...

Nevermind all of that... but six times a week? Having sex?

Now I'm 25, and I consider myself fairly sexually active, but I will tell you right now, I am not having sex six times a week. But apparently some people are. Some of my own family even... which I don't necessarily care to think about much, but damn, was our last name once upon a time Jeremy?

I hope you get that last line... c'mon, think about it!

I don't know... maybe it's the quality that really matters, and not the quantity... Maybe I'm just a wuss?

Six times a week... what the hell is this world coming to? Don't people have hobbies any more???

Where's that damn Viagra?

peace nick

Monday, April 18, 2005

I can't resist!

I can't resist the chance to write about this one... In reference to a story that the Social Security Administration has been using public money to poll the public over the last decade or so, Senator Robert Byrd, D-W. Va., so brilliantly stated:

"I have real concerns about any administration using public funds to push its agenda,"

First of all you moron... every political agenda uses public funds! Who do you think pays the salaries of all you fat cat politicians and all their lackeys?

What an idiot...

Which brings me to the next point. If this dumb, racist bastard has a problem with using public funds to push the administrations "propaganda", then I have a problem with using public funds to pay for a former Ku Klux Klan Grand Dragon!

Oh heavens... a racist Democrat? By golly, I thought they were the party of inclusion, not division....

Consider this goon once said on national tv:

"I think we talk about race too much. I think those problems are largely behind us." Byrd continued, "My old mom told me, 'Robert, you can't go to heaven if you hate anybody.' We practice that. There are white niggers. I've seen a lot of white niggers in my time; I'm going to use that word."

So the government can't use public funds to gauge public opinion on Social Security, but we can pay a bunch of racists like Grand Dragon Byrd outrageous salaries to go on national television and talk about "white niggers"?

People like that piss me off. If you want to spout off about "white niggers", fine, it's your life... but don't ever dare to open your mouth to criticize what someone else believes in or spends money on.

Anyways, sorry I haven't taken the opportunity to write about the Mason Jennings concert. No fault of his, but I will say the show.... was missing something....

I had a lot fun anyways, so that is all I will say about that... And I promise to get back into lighter topics soon... if it kills me. I know ya'll probably aren't too interested in all the political garbage, but like I said, I couldn't resist the chance to rip a hypocrite Democrat.

peace nick

Friday, April 15, 2005

Damn right my morals are better than yours!

There was recently a story in a local newspaper about a pharmacist who refused to fill a women's birth control prescription because he was "morally opposed" to birth control.

I think the pro-life people in this country have lost it. That means a lot of Republican politicians as well. Birth control STOPS abortions you idiots!

If you dont want to fill certain prescriptions, or you are against certain medical procedures... than QUIT YOUR F-ING JOB! Be a fricken garbage man or something, where you arent going to have to perform duties that go against your all superior moral code.

As you know, I truly, truly hate people who are so selfish in their actions that they just trample what everyone else thinks and believes. From people who oppose Christmas, to people who oppose wind power, to pharmacists who think they can control what a real doctor can and cannot prescribe to their patients.

What makes these people think that what they think and believe is so damn important that the rest of us should have to bend over backwards so as to not offend your precious souls?

Suck it up you ninny, give the women her damn birth control, or hit the road.

I could just imagine what would happen if in my job, I refused to work on a project because something is being outsourced to China.

"But Im a ninny and Im against outsourcing... it goes against my morals... wha wha whaaaa"

You know what my boss would say?

"Ok... BYE!"

And thats how it should be folks.

peace nick

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Thank you Dave Chappelle!

I dont know how many of you watch Dave Chappelle, probably none of you... but I recently saw a skit in which he was making fun of the Real World. You know, the MTV reality show? I hope you at least know what the Real World is... or what are you doing here?

Right, anyways, basically he did the skit to poke fun at the fact that they always have at least one crazy black person on there. They started with the Black Panther guy in the first one, then they had David, who ended up getting booted off, and then that Tec dude... or was it Pec? The crazy dude who was like the first one to go skinny dipping on the Real World... whatever his name was...

I digress... Anyways the Dave Chappelle skit turned this on its head and had one loser white dude, and the rest of the people were black, all living in the same house. And these black people were not normal black people, they were CRAZY! They made this poor white guy's life hell.

It was funny, as most Chappelle skits are, but it also no doubt sent shivers up most white guys' spines. At least those with girlfriends or wives...

Why, you ask?

Because they stole the dude's girlfriend! Well, they didnt even steal her, she went along with it... which just made the shivers all that much more painful... Slut...

Now, Im not racist, and I dont want this to come across as such... but if you are a white guy, you dont want your girlfriend or wife anywhere near a bunch of black guys! Not because you should fear for their safety or anything, like I said, Im not a racist... But because you know, and the black guys know, and the women all know, why there is a saying - once you go black, you never go back!

You know why people say that, I know why people say that, its no secret... And this skit, where the dumb white dude's girlfriend ditches him for all the black guys in the house just stuffed it down every white guy's throat.

Ladies, if your guy is white, you know this insecurity is there... dont make it any worse on us... Just pretend you are dumb when the subject comes up.

"No honey, I never heard that about black men..." "Oh, that's not important...." "Oh dear, size really doesn't matter to me...."

Thanks Dave Chappelle... Thanks for putting wonderful ideas into all of our girlfriends' and wives' heads...

dirty mutha %^$#*.....

peace nick, an insecure white guy

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Its been a while...

It's been a couple of days since I have posted, so forgive me for jumping around some... More dedicated posts to come soon, including a review of the Mason Jennings show on Saturday, and how to make every wall and cabinet in your house a poop color, without using the same color....

FUN!

First, I saw this quote in a news story I just read:

Black leaders on Monday accused President Bush of "playing the race card" in his pitch to sell his proposed Social Security overhaul.

So it's ok to play the race card, to get someone to stop playing the race card? If black leaders were for equal rights, and they are not, there would be no race card. There would be no BLACK LEADERS! Which is why they are not for equal rights... These people make the news all the time for one reason, they are BLACK leaders. If we didn't take into account the color of someone's skin, like they pretend to want, they would be nobodies, just like all of us stupid white people.

Wouldn't it be funny to see this in a news story?:

President Bush on Monday accused black leaders of "playing the race card" in their bid to get media coverage.

The answer is no, that would be racist.

Moving on, before I'm lynched... I had the last two days off of work. Technically vacation days, but only because I had to have my car fixed. Again. Remember the stripped oil drain bolt??? Yup, just getting around to fixing that baby.

The lesson with that is, don't take your car to the 10 minute oil change place down the road. The kid cranking on your oil drain bolt, or whatever they do down there, doesn't give a crap if he over-tightens the damn thing and cracks your oil pan...

Take your car to a real mechanic, who owns and runs his own business. At least they have some desire to do a good job, because their life depends on it.

So anyways, I had to take a couple of days off while my crapwagon was in the shop having the oil pan replaced... I discovered two things because of this....

1. I'm not ready to be retired. Holy crap was it boring... Of course I couldn't plan ahead and come up with things to do while I was off, but wow, any more than two days alone with the dogs and I would f-ing lose it!

2. It's not a good idea to take off the two days immediately following a pay raise... I'm sure my boss thinks I was all hacked off about it, and is now scrambling to find my replacement. I suppose coming in today with 4 days worth of facial hair helped to drive the point home...

It's kind of funny to keep people guessing and all, but there are people out there who would probably do my job better, and for less money.

I wonder how I can get in the union....

peace nick

Sunday, April 10, 2005

We need more alcohol AND nudity...

Actual quotes from a newspaper article I was reading today:

“We have a case pending with the city to allow us to go completely nude,”

uh... ok...

“We either need the alcohol or the nudity to survive,”

Not OR dumbass... You need the alcohol AND nudity to survive...

“When people start drinking, they want to keep drinking."

Right on...

peace nick

Finally...

They finally rescheduled the Mason Jennings show, and we are so there!

Saturday, April 16
With Johnathan Rice
Shank Hall
1434 North Farwell Ave.
Milwaukee, WI
414-276-7288
9 p.m.
21+
$15

I have no idea who Johnathan Rice is, but the songs on his website sound ok. As long as the beers aren't $5 a crack, it won't matter.

peace nick

Thursday, April 07, 2005

I know who you are...

One of the things that I have always been intrigued by is how people make it to my blog. While I have posted the link in some places, I wouldn't say I do a lot of advertising. And very few people have links to me on their websites... I guess you get what you give huh? I don't put links to a lot of people on my website, just because, while you may read my blog, I'm sure you don't want to be associated with me when the government comes to kill me...

Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah... so I use a thingy called site meter to tell me all sorts of things about the people who come to my blog. I can basically use that information to steal your social security and credit card numbers and... Im just kidding. I could, but I don't. But one thing it does tell me is what someone searched for, if they came in thru searching on a search engine, like Yahoo! or Google.

Some of the things people search for are... well... weird! So with that, here is the top 5 search engine searches that led to someone coming to my blog:

5. how to argue a point here

Ah yes... I knew someone would find my priceless tips on how to argue valuable at some point... Glad I could help. Now go prove someone wrong!!!

4. i am dum here

Apparently a lot of people think they are dum. They're probably right.

3. church you cant wash your hands never scare kids puppets

I didn't quite understand this one, but it came from someone over in the UK. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING FOR??? Forget it... I dont want to know...

2. when did global warming start? here

I'll tell you when global warming started... When a bunch of liberal environmentalist whackos RAN OUT OF THINGS TO STUDY! I like global warming. I wish we had more of it...

1. nude flight attendants here here and here

Ah my favorite... I wish I got paid for everytime someone came to my site searching for nude flight attendants. I don't know what it is about them though. I am not a seasoned flyer, but on the flights I did take, they were ugly and bitchy. Why do you want to see them naked??? Of course, when I fly, Im always seconds away from puking and passing out, so the last thing on my mind is seeing the bitchy flight attendant nude.

You people are sickos...

Well thats it for today. Keep searching for weird stuff, and keep giving me ideas for posts!

peace nick

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Are you threatening me???

Im baffled. I really am. I just got done reading a news story about a couple of liberals who are going to be getting together to start a website. They are touting it as the "anti-Drudge".

Im slowly coming to the conclusion that those who are truly interested in getting the liberal message out there, and who are trying their hardest to counter the conservative message, are nuts. These people are just really dumb.

The people who started Air-America, or whatever stupid name they go by.... dumb. Al Gore, starting his new tv station.... dumb.

Liberals in this country are going crazy because they just cant figure out why people like Rush Limbaugh and Matt Drudge are so popular (and I hardly consider Drudge a big time conservative, but whatever...). They are so desperate to counter conservatives like Rush, they are looking like idiots, and wasting a lot of money on nothing in the process.

Why is Rush Limbaugh so popular then? Why is Fox News Channel beating the pants off every major news channel out there?

Because you idiots, there is no where else to hear conservative view points in this country! Roughly half of the people in this country are tilted conservative. The last two presidential elections are just proof of that. But without Rush Limbaugh, Fox News Channel, Drudge, and maybe a handful of local talk radio hosts, where do you get a message that caters to conservative view points?

Liberal view points are everywhere. Every newspaper in America is liberal. Every university, public school, city council... liberal, liberal, liberal. Every major news channel, ABC, NBC, CNN... liberal, liberal, liberal.

People that try to counter Rush, Drudge and Fox News Channel are just going to look like idiots, because their market is so saturated already. There is, however, a tremendous market for conservative viewpoints, which is why those people have the followings they do.

Its simple supply and demand folks. I would think, you know, with liberals having a strangle hold on education in this country, they would understand that.... Maybe they need to piss away a couple more billion dollars on failed radio and tv before they get the picture.

I had a much more fun post planned for today, but I think I will save it for tomorrow. You know, mix it up a bit... Its been a while since I bitched about liberals....

peace nick

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

I heard that one before...

Things people have said to me already today... before noon mind you...

"By a show of hands, who couldn't get into work today?"

"Who wants to go across the street for a Jaeger Bomb?"

"Mr. Teifke, you're making me blush..."

"Hey, I heard Fonzarelli is quiting."

"I thought we were very professional."

"Pull the 9025 and 9030 from SAP and check them against the c150. I have a KQMS meeting to go to."

"What we found was that the hole was too small, and it just kept snapping off."

"I just want you to know that your job is safe. We're only going to outsource the easy stuff..."

Who knows what the rest of the day holds...

peace nick

Monday, April 04, 2005

Arguing for idiots

A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life - Iris Murdoch

How true Iris... how true. Men inevitably piss women off... it's in our genetic code. Everything from our desire to watch sports, drive fast and play golf... oh, and something about looking at other women...

You've no doubt seen the commercials where a pretty girl walks by a guy with his wife or girlfriend, he checks her out, and the wife/gf smacks him upside the head. This has to be the topic of 95% of male/female arguements. Since we all know its going to happen sooner or later, it's up to guys to be prepared for it and have a fight plan...

Remember that the goal of an arguement, much like that of a retreating army, is to get out as unscathed as possible. Certainly a scorched earth policy is the most effective, but it doesn't win the hearts of the people. If you're looking for an immediate break-up, by all means, burn the bridges... But if you are trying to save yourself, you better put forth some effort.

The 5th Amendment of the Constituition basically says you have the right to keep your mouth shut and not make things worse for yourself. It's not just for testifying in front of Congress either... Most of the time life is better when you just keep your mouth shut. It takes some practice, but it's very effective. Women always want to know how men are feeling, what they're thinking, blah blah blah... Since what you're thinking and feeling is probably offensive to them, it's usually best to just shut up. Trust me on this one.

If you must talk, keep in mind certain things...

Nothing is bettered (you like that word?) by turning an arguement back onto the woman. Avoid saying things like, "Well, you did such and such too..." or "How come you get to..."

Always be vague. Never deny or fess up to specific events. Use defenses like, "I didn't do that" or "Nuh uh".

Never mention other people. This will always come off as a comparison, and we all know women are competitive enough the way it is. Don't dump gas on the fire.

Do you see a common theme here? If you don't have to, don't talk. If you have to, only say what you must and never be specific. See, unlike the female brain, the male brain is not built for arguing. Over the centuries man has settled things by killing people and conquering. We don't have the skills to handle women in this capacity... so don't pretend you do.

Let's review. Remember, the goal is to end the arguement, and not to dig yourself any more holes. So keep your mouth shut as much as possible. Never be specific. Never try to turn the arguement on the person who are arguing against. Never try to blame, defend or use anyone else in an arguement.

And for heaven's sake... you don't have control over what your genetic code forces you to do... so don't admit you were wrong. You will be undoing centuries and centuries of denial and ass kissing, and we don't want to awaken those spirits...

Good luck fellas... good luck...

peace nick