Where's the beef?

I keep thinking that I should add something about, uh, the pregnancy. Afterall, I did set this up as a Daddy blog. I dunno. There's not really much happening. We were supposed to hear the heartbeat tomorrow, that didn't work out. What else do I have?

I guess I thought the pregnancy would be a whole lot more... exciting. Not that it isn't, to us. But to write about it, it's hard. I'm sure you don't want to hear about how the hot wife barfs at the mere mention of Taco Bell, or how my favorite drinking partner suddenly went straight edge on me, or how fun sex is with a pregnant woman...

Well, maybe you want to hear about the last one. Although the sex is quite noticeably less frequent...

I can't help thinking that I just spelled noticeably wrong. Did I? I'm too lazy to look it up.

Anyways, where was I?

Yeah, the sex. Less. But fun. I think that's good. Honestly, I was at a point back in February where I was burnt out. Go ahead guys, call me a pussy. I can take it. It's hard flippin' stuff to have sex every day for 4 months. It was still fun and all, but it was a whole lot of pressure. That's not natural.

You know what the funnerest part of sex is now? The boobs. The hot wife's boobs are flippin' awesome.

What?

No. You can't see them. But trust me, they are yummy.

So yeah, I guess if anyone has come along thinking this would be some great daddy blog, sorry if I've disappointed you. I think I will stick with the general commentary, unless anything really big happens with the pregnancy. Or, in case some day I come up with something funny to say about it. Don't hold your breath.

The bull fighter post though... admit it, you spit your coffee on your keyboard... I'm funny.

Nick

I always wanted to be a bull fighter...

Someone was bragging up the fact that they went to a bull fight in Spain the other day. Their daughter is currently living in Spain, spending all their money and partying with a bunch of Fabio-looking-like muchachos. I couldn't think of a good looking Spanish guy, and Fabio has been on my mind lately, so I went with him. You get the idea.

Anyways, I had to bitch slap this fool and remind him that I am highly skilled in the art of bull fighting. I don't even believe in using those sissy swords to kill the bull. I simply lull the bull into a trance like state, where they are almost sleeping, yet standing... and then I head butt the mutha f'er.

Done.

Dead.

And to think... this guy thought he was the bomb diggity, because he has seen a bull fight. Ninja please. Come back when you have a real life story to tell me.

Nick

I hate politics.

Someone emailed me the other day. They basically said - I'm a reader, I have a new blog, do you want to trade links? Usually that would be enough for me to say no. As a general rule, I just don't link to people who ask for links, I link to blogs I like to read.

But I went to this person's blog, and I thought I would check it out anyways. Give them a chance. Who knows, if they read my blog, maybe we have the same interests. That couldn't be farther from the truth. It was a political blog. And a rather liberal one at that, with all the good stuff about bashing George Bush and ranting about trying to get this person to quit, and that person to step aside, and I'm quite sure there was some impeachment garbage in there as well if you look hard enough. Because that's a realistic solution to the world's problems...

Now, I don't have a problem with free speech. Write whatever you want. But aren't we all sick of this yet? Does it ever get old? Aren't there enough outlets for crying about the President and all his men and women? It's the same parroted, spoon fed, brain washing material anyways. It's boring to me.

And what the hell makes you think, from reading this blog, that I want to read and/or link to any of that? I'm not a liberal. Nothing I write about is liberal.

I don't know what gets me more, someone asking me to link to them or someone assuming I would link to a blog about liberal politics. Both of them annoy me.

Let me tell you what I do look for in a blog, one I would usually link to...

- humor
- good writing
- original writing
- real people, real situations

I avoid...

- 24/7 politics
- people who are always in a bad mood
- people who are always bitching, or complaining
- blogs that just copy the everyday mainstream news

I'm especially drawn to humor. I blog for entertainment, thus, I read blogs for entertainment. If a blog isn't entertaining, I tend to avoid it. I just cannot thrive on negativity.

So enough with all the negativity and Bush bashing and let's all have a good blog laugh this week. Eh?

Nick

I wanna be anarchy!

It's been a while since I've done one of these, so....

You scored as Anarchism. Anarchism 83% Republican 67% Socialist 50% Communism 42% Democrat 33% Fascism 17% Nazi 0% Green 0% What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In? created with QuizFarm.com

Pretty close actually. A little high on the Democrat and Fascist, but, no test is perfect.

If I had to scale myself without a test, I would say I'm about 95% anarchist, 85% communist and 65% Republican. I don't know what that means exactly, and it may be a bit contradictory, but basically, I'm all over the map.

But dammit, you call me a Democrat, and you are asking for a Doc Marten up yer ass...

Nick

It's time to ROCK!

Guys, I have a very important announcement to make. To promote the release of his new album Boneclouds, Mason Jennings has lined up shows all over the country. Indie, DC, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, NY, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Salt Lake City, Seattle, San Fran, LA, San Diego... he's going to be all over the place this summer.

In Milwaukee he will be playing on June 23rd, and I just bought four tickets, so dammit, this time we're getting in. It will be at the historic Pabst Theater, which is really cool. Not some shaggy bar, or college common's area, but an actual theater with great sound.

It's going to. F'ing. ROCK!

You can check out Mason's website for more information about shows or his new album at www.masonjennings.com OR... if you don't know who Mason Jennings is, there is a website in my links you can click on to download a few .mp3s. OR... you can go to http://www.architectrecords.com/ and listen to a few streaming.

If you go to a Mason Jennings show, trust me, you won't be disappointed. For the $15-$20 you'll spend on a ticket, you won't have a much better time doing anything else. After all, would I plug anyone as much as I do were they not just a great musician with super cheap shows? I probably would, but Mason is a great musician with super cheap shows.

Go buy a ticket dammit! And don't come back until you do....

Nick

Finally found a day to myself...

It's been a while since I have been able to actually sit down and eat lunch in peace, which means that we've been neglecting our writing here. Thanks for being patient. It also means that I have been a little out of touch with some of the news happening in the world.

Like, for example, TomKat apparently had their baby. TomKat. Now, if you don't have a celebrity-savvy hot ass wife like me, you probably have no idea who TomKat is. It's Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Put together. As if they're one.

I don't know what they would call the hot wife and I. Nimy? Aick? I guess we couldn't be celebrities like Bennifer or Brangelina. By the way, I am the only man on the planet apparently who thinks Angelina Jolie is a dog. And an attention horror. I don't know... she just doesn't do it for me.

So what else is going on in the world...

Oh. I seen a good study that I thought was interesting (read - pointless). Global Sex Survey Shows Men Get More Satisfaction. No. F'ing. Shit. Have you seen most men? Could you imagine them rubbing against you, touching you, moaning in your ear. Gross! I wouldn't be too satisfied either. A woman's body, even if not perfect, is usually very nice. Smooth... Curves in the right place... A man's body is not any of those things. Sure, some men have very good bodies, if they actually put some effort into it, but chances are those guys are asshats.

Why is it that most men with decent bodies are asshats? I don't know, but it tends to be true doesn't it? I'm making broad generalizations here of course. Maybe just most men are asshats. Is that it? Men are not only usually ugly, but in general, rude, conceited, assholes...

I would definately be a lesbian if I was a women. I'm surprised frankly that you women put up with half the shit we men deal out. I'd take about two minutes of it, then you'd be out on your ass. And I'd keep the damn house.

"Yeah, that teen wolf thing you got going on there, gotta cut that shit out..."



"YOOOOOW Kelly Clarkson!"

Nick

Easter Sunday

- Ah Easter. I guess me eating lots of meat on Fridays just despite Catholics kind of loses its meaning now. Oh well. Let's all celebrate the slaying of the Lamb of God, shall we? Popa Leo I called Easter the greatest feast, and said Christmas is only celebrated in preparation of Easter. And who are we to argue? Leo I also is said to have turned away Attila the Hun with mere words, and the help of Peter and Paul, but that's a whole 'nother post, eh?

- I started the celebration of the slaying of the Lamb by running my ass off this morning. It's two weeks until the two mile run. I shall be ready. I haven't had any shin splints in a while, so that is refreshing, but then, I have only been running every couple of days.

- The Hot Wife is progressing well with pregnancy. I guess I should update you all since she is apparently on vacation from blogging... The only real upate though I suppose is no more Taco Bell in our house. Great. No Taco Bell and no Jager Bombs. I feel like I was misled about the wa... er, pregnancy.

- Damn do I want a Jager Bomb. JUST ONE! It's so good. Once it hits your lips...



- YUMMY!

- Ya know, about the pregnancy and having kids and all that... I'm blessed to have someone who knows what the hell they are doing. Last night we went to a cookout. I brought the hot wife, because even though I knew it was going to be a bunch of guys, talking football because we had to pick numbers for our fantasy draft... it would be good to get out of the house. It wasn't that fun for her obviously, but one of the guys had his daughter there. Her and the Hot Wife were instant friends. She's so good with kids, which is nice, because I'm a flippin' idiot when it comes to kids. You know I've never even changed a diaper? I have a feeling I'm in for a diaper changing ass whooping baptism by fire.

- Mmmmm.... Jager Bomb....



- That's all folks. Enjoy your Easter and remember who died for your sins you ungrateful sinners... I would do it for you, but then, I don't believe.

Nick

We should invade Mexico...

Here's an interesting story I found today.

A plane flying from Venezuela to Mexico was carrying 5 1/2 tons of cocaine. After being tipped off from Venezuelan and U.S. authorities, the Mexican army was waiting at the airport for the plane.

Sounds great. Bust them coke heads.

When the plane landed, they arrested the co-pilot. There were no passengers. This is where it gets good...

THE PILOT ESCAPED!

Escaped. From a plane that had landed at an airport where the Mexican army was WAITING FOR THEM! There's only one door in an airplane. Where the hell did he escape to?

Two things are possible here. Either the Mexican army is full of blind soldiers, or the pilot cut a deal to get off.

I have a solution to the illegal immigrant problem... invade Mexico. For crying out loud, with morons like this in charge of securing their country, we could march thru and be back by the weekend. Let's invade them, they can have the northern part of the country where's it's f-ing frozen nine months out of the year, and we'll all move south to places like Cancun and whatever other tourist traps are down there.

Escaped. It's almost too dumb to believe.

Nick

This is a joke...

for B.

Ok. There was this sailor. A real big, tough sailor. And he's in from port, so he wants to go out and get a real tough woman. A real rough and tough nasty bitch. So, ya know, where else do you do this but the brothel right?

Can I say brothel?

Ok. So he goes to the brothel. And he tells the lady, "I'm looking for real rough and tough bitch."

So she says, "well, we'll bring out Candy." So she brings out Candy, and the sailor looks at her. He spits her in the face, and punches her in the head, and she falls down and whimpers...

Ok, so he goes to another brothel, and I'm gonna skip this part because the same thing happens. It's one of those jokes. It's long.

Ok. So he goes to the next brothel, and he tells the lady, "I want a real rough and tough bitch."

So the lady says, "we'll bring out Judy." So they bring out Judy, and the sailor looks at her. He spits in her face and punches her and knocks her to the ground with flying hammer lock. She gets up, spits him back and knocks him to the ground with a round house kick to the teeth.

Well the sailor gets up and he's all excited. He's finally found this rough and tough bitch. So they go up to the room and they start getting into it, and he's like, "Wait a second. I'm gonna run down and get a six pack." You know, he wants to celebrate finding this rough and tough bitch.

So he runs down to get his six pack, and when he comes back in the room, the chick is sitting on the bed, like this...

(doggy style.... you have to see it to believe it)

And the sailor's like, "Whoa, lady, aren't we.. taking this a bit fast? We just met."

And the chick asks, "Don't... you want to be able to open them?"

Nick

Where my ninjas at? Uptown, Uptown!

Ninjas wanna be like Nick
but they don't bust their guns
It's so haaaaard

Ninjas wanna f$%& my wife
Ninjas wanna take my life
but it's so haaaaard...

It's hard work baby
I just lost a hundred pounds, I'm tryin to live
I ain't goin nowhere. I'm stayin alive baby...

That's my wife, I paid for them titties
Get your own, your own, ya heard?
Ninjas wanna f$%& my wife
Ninjas wanna take my life
but it's so haaaaaard...

Where my ninjas at? Uptown! Uptown!
You know you feeling that.

Ya. All you hatas just walk on by. And I don't know waz up with Big Punisher stealing my vocals, but that's whack.

Nick

It's the finer things in life I care about...

I've thought a bit lately about writing some more political posts, you know, about current event type things. Because not allowing comments means that I don't have to listen to what people have to say about what I post, which for me is very appealing.

Someone said to me in an email the other day, while whining about the fact that I don't allow comments, something to the effect that "it's about the readers, I wanna give you feedback, I'm a ninny" yadda yadda yadda. In the same email he called me a pussy several times, and then finished by saying he loved me. Which, I guess, by transitive propery means he loves pussy, so I went easy on him. Read - I didn't round house kick his damn head off.

Trust me, the next person to whine about me not allowing comments won't be so lucky.

But back to posting about politics, or not. I realized the other day as I was running sprints and trying to keep my mind off the fact that my body was melting into a big clump of painful shit, I just don't care anymore. I used to care. Now, I don't.

I don't care that there are 12 million illegal immigrants in our country and we don't do anything about it. I don't care that we're 8 gazillion dollars in debt, the oil companies are raping us every day, our ozone is disintegrating, our schools are bloated, our elected officials are corrupt, and all our jobs are going to China.

You know what I care about?

I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO DO JAEGER BOMBS WITH ANYMORE!

And dammit, it's driving me crazy. I want. A Jaeger Bomb. So. F'ing. Bad. I can almost taste it as I sit here eating my Taco Bell.

Since the hot wife got pregnant, I've had no one to drink with. Ever. You know what I miss most about not having anyone (the hot wife) to drink with?

Drunk sex. Oh the drunk sex. The type of sex where you wake up in the morning and ask,

"did we do it on the couch last night?"

"I don't remember."

"I think I remember something about a couch. How did we get home?"

When this whole pregnancy thing is over, the first night we're alone (and don't be thinking negative things here, like, that will be never) we are going to get drunk and have nasty drunk sex. A whole bottle of Jaeger, 10 cans of Red Bull and all the damn beer we can force down.

Christmas is going to ROCK this year.

Nick

Natron and Berkeley

People are always amazed that we have two Rottweilers, and two cats.

"Don't the Rottweilers eat the cats?"

Yeah. The cats are definately in danger.

Nick

Oh, come on... let them stay...

I decided to take part in an immigration rally today to show my solidarity with my immigrant brothers and sisters. I think we should stop being so selfish and let these poor people stay...

Wait a second...

Uh, guys? You, uh... spelled America wrong.

You f'ing idiotos...

Nick

I wanna be like K-Fed

I wish people would spare me the "oh, you look like this person" or "oh, you look like that person". Kiss my ass. Because, ya know... it's never anyone good that you look like.

No, it's not like I'm hot like Adam Sandler...

Or cool like K-Fed...



Or sophisticated like George Clooney...



No. Instead, now people are telling me I look like this douche bag from American Idol...



How am I supposed to be a real DILF and pick up chicks if I look like this f-ing dork? I don't care if he can dance and sing and all that shit. Look at him.

LOOK AT HIM!

He's ugly! And I would never let my hair get that gray before 40. Which reminds me, I have to dye mine before my haircut tomorrow... I hate looking down at that black robe thing they make you wear and seeing all that damn gray hair.

Damn genetics...

Nick

Oh to be disemboweled...

Last night I had one of the worst dreams I've ever had. I was running in the race that I'm gearing up for at the end of the month. The two mile run. Well, I finished it, but it took me 40 minutes! 40 minutes! That's a 20 minute mile for those who are not mathematically inclined.

A 20 minute mile, for those who don't run, is unacceptable. I can't allow this. I admit, I'm a little disenchanted now.

I'm not even sure I used disenchated in the right context there, but I've been dying to use it somewhere. It reminds me of disembowel. Disembowel sounds like something that would be said on the Mortal Kombat video game. I loved that game...

But back to this horrible dream. It scares me to not do well in this race. It's only 2 miles. I should be able to do very well. But honestly my training has been slowed by a shin splint problem. Namely, I have them. Or get them when I run. I think it stems from the fact that I only trained for a week before my first 5k run, which, as any regular runner will tell you, is moronic. Yeah, I said it, moronic.

Lately I have been only running every three to four days to try to build up some strength without killing my body. So far so good, but there are only 25 days until the run. I need to be to the point where I'm running at least every other day. Or working out in some other way, which admittedly, I'm not keeping up with very well either...

Disenchanted...

Nick

Now that was a nice stroke!

Some people were discussing golf on another blog the other day and it seems like most people would rather gag themselves with the golf club than play. I happen to like golf and dammit, I'm sick of the bad rap it gets. It does require more than goofy pants and a fat ass...

Now, I've played all the tough guy sports like hockey and football, so don't say I wouldn’t understand. But there is something about taking a long club and stroking a small ball into a hole that really appeals to me.

There is something about going out there with a few other guys and seeing who has the finesse to put their ball in the hole first. It takes the right grip along with the right stroke. And when the first few strokes don't get you as close to the hole as you'd like, you need to be able to set frustration aside and keep whacking away at it.

Ya know, I had a really good analogy for golf but I just can't remember what it was... Oh well, it will come to me sooner or later...

Nick