I'm still learning

Either this Sunday or next Tuesday, depending on your interpretation of the modern day calendar, the hot wife and I will have survived one whole month of parenthood. A whole month! And being the newbie parents we are, we have learned a lot. More specifically, having never even changed a diaper my whole life, I have learned more in the past month than I have probably my whole life... Not really, but I wasn't really sure how to better phrase the last sentence. Play along.

So, let's have some fun and let's do a Top 10 things learned by a newbie parent.

1. Hot (diaper on) to cold (diaper off) = pee
2. When you're burping a baby and he tries to eat your ear, he's still hungry
3. Make cold meals that can be eaten with one hand
4. Your voice changes when talking to a baby, don't try to fight it
5. Rottweilers don't eat babies. Even when they cry.
6. At three diapers per 10 minutes, you can never have enough
7. Even newborn clothes don't fit a baby
8. Don't be late to Grandma's without a good excuse
9. You only need about 3 hours of sleep to function
10. Not having sex is much harder than not sleeping

I'm still learning...

Nick

Art of the week

I love my dogs as much as the next dog lover, and I love wine. But do I love both of them together? Probably not...

This is a wine glass set for dogs. From Alice Wang.

Bone appetite!

Nick

WEEEEEEE!!!!!

It's difficult for me to put into words just how badly I want to do this! Turn your speakers up and watch.

Courtesy of some TV company...

Nick

What kind of person...

One of the things necessary to be a really good poker player is the ability to "read" people. Observe their actions, facial movements, breathing, yadda yadda yadda. Luckily for me, I have mastered the art of reading people. You don't think I know what you are all thinking as you read this, but I do. Oh, I do. Bastards...

One of the easiest ways to read someone is something we do all the time, without even realizing the endless opportunities. Simply walk past them. See, people give away lots of signs as they walk past another person, and one can use these signs to learn everything they need to know about that person. Observe.

One group of people will not even acknowledge another as they walk past. These are stuck up ass monkeys. Usually mean old ladies. The Hillary Clinton type. What kind of person doesn't even acknowledge someone as they walk past? Are you too damn good for us? Look at me dammit!!!!

Some people, just as bad in my opinion, will talk on their cell phone as they walk past. Or worse yet, just look at it, as if searching thru the endless menus trying to figure out why the last missed call doesn't show up in the missed calls menu. I don't live in a big enough city for people to be looking at their blackberries, but watch out for these as well. Either way, what you can tell about these people is they have no social skills. They don't know how to be a stuck up ass hat, but they don't quite know how to socialize with others either. Instead they bury themselves in modern day technology. These are also people who date online and email instead of call when they sit right fricken next to you at work. I'm sitting right here dammit!! F$%&!

A peculiar group are those who just give the look/smile. An acknowledgement of your existence, but leaves you wondering... Are they smiling because I look funny? Is my hair messed up? My zipper down? Are they deaf? Why didn't they just say hi? Maybe they just had sex and are trying to exert some weird subliminal ESP gloat over me... This is the toughest group to read.

Moving up from the look/smile is the look/nod. Typically performed by men, this can also be done from a distance. Generally translates to "s'up?" This is as good as it gets for some.

Then there is the quite "hi" or the silent/mouthed "hi". These people are generally lacking in self-confidence. Perhaps victims of abusive relationships.

The fake "hi". When someone winces, or turns their head and says "hi", it's fake. They don't want to appear like a stuck up ass donkey, but deep down they are. Avoid these people. Typically executives and other rich types. Jack asses.

The normal "hi". Generally accompanied by eye contact and a warm smile. While dwindling in popularity the normal "hi" indicates the person is normal and means well. These are typically family-oriented, younger people. Perhaps lower-middle class. Probably drive VWs and have young children.

The over-exhuberant "hi". See fake "hi". Could also be stuck up ass monkeys trying to exert weird subliminal ESP gloat. A potentially lethal combination.

It's really not hard to read people using these brilliantly thought out criterion. Give it a try and let me know how it works out for you. And remember, stay away from the non-acknowledging ass crappers.

Nick

Liquid cocaine

Ya know, sometimes I think this world is pretty messed up. But then I come across things like this. Click the link and take a gander at some pics of the Red Bull headquarters in London, designed by a company called Jump Studios.

For heaven's sakes, they have a slide! In the office!

This of course would never fly in the States here, because, with all the non-sliding-capable population, and you know... ADA compliancy, and well... let's face it, we're just not as cool as the rest of the world.

By the way, I do have a conflict of interest, and I always believe in identifying those upfront. I love Red Bull.... swimming in Jagermeister...

Shoutout Designverb.

Nick

I guess that's life huh?

I guess now that I'm back to work, I should get back to some blogging. It's been a while, so I'll split this post up a bit.

* Everyone's been asking me how having a baby around is. It's fun for the most part. We're getting used to everything like feeding, changing diapers, sleeping, etc... And he's been pretty good, with the exception of being a little fussy every now and again (mostly when I have him...), but that's to be expected. So all in all, things are going well. Still no sex though...

* We've nicknamed Braeden the "Icebox". That's the noise he makes when he's crapping in his diaper. You will now refer to Braeden strictly as the "Icebox". Or "Mr. Icebox" if you're nasty.

* I haven't written about the elections, because I don't know what to think really. While basically nothing I voted for went my way, I can't say I was real excited about what I was voting for in the first place. Our government isn't going to do anything I care about regardless of who is in power, so I guess I can't say I care a whole lot either way. I'm a fiscal conservative and a social liberal and our government is just not set up to cater to people like me. They'll continue to take more of our money, spend more of our money and seek to run our lives from conception to death. I wonder what the job market in Holland is like...

* I lost again in fantasy football this week. The Gods have not been good to me this year.

* With Icebox around, I've only been able to play smidgens of poker lately. My guess is that will continue for the most part until he is self sufficient. When does that happen? 10 years old? 12? I guess it's probably a good thing, because I have a tendency to become extremely addicted to things I find I like, and it's not good to neglect family, and real life and things like that to play poker. But it's hard to find something you really like to do, and then not be able to do it very much. I guess that's life huh?

* I'm so looking forward to Christmas this year. It's always a fun time of year, spending time with family and the like, but it seems like it will be so much funner (I love that word) with a baby, or kid, or what have you. See, I do have a softer side to me... I love babies, I admit, all their cuteness and cuddlie... uh... ness.... The best part about this year is, we don't have to buy Braeden anything. He won't know the difference, and I'm sure he will get plenty of the Spoil Squad Grandmothers...

* I wish my dad could have been there to see me become a dad. And likewise for the hot wife's dad. Sure, our mother's have gone on and remarried, but it's not the same. Yeah, I'll survive and all, but there is guidance from a father that you can't really get anywhere else. I know some people will say, well, he's up there watching over ya... Eh, it's a nice thought and all, but not being big on the whole heaven thing, I think I'm pretty much alone on this one. What can ya do...

* It's a pain in the ass to lose weight when people keep bringing food when they visit. Who the hell started this tradition? People, when you visit new parents, bring some cleaning supplies or something. Diapers maybe. Or just money. They don't want your damn lasagna. It's good and all, and it is nice to not have to cook, but if I keep eating like this, no amount of running will save me...

* Alright, that's enough for one day. Bye.

Nick

Ask and you shall receive...

Nick

I'm still very, very tired...

I have a little time to update things while the hot wife gets some much needed sleep and I stand guard over baby Braeden. As far as how things went down, it really started Saturday night around 11pm, when the hot wife began having contractions. At that point they were pretty far apart, about 20 minutes. At 2:30am, she scared the crap out of me by starting the bath, which is the universal sign apparently for I'M IN LABOR!!! I think she knew it was coming, but it wasn't time just yet. At about 4am, she called the doctor and was told to go in to the hospital when the contractions were 5 minutes apart, for about 2 hours. That time came about 6:30ish.

Off to the hospital, Sunday morning about... the time mentioned above. We get there, not knowing if this was the real thing, and wondering if we were going to be sent back home, which probably would have made both of us cry. They checked her over and she was dialated (sp?) to four and fully effaced (sp?). I'm too lazy to pull up Google, so don't mind the spelling.

Anywho, so we stay. They start getting everything ready, we make our phone calls, walk around a bit, the contractions continue... Everything was pretty good until they broke her water. First of all, do they need the big pointy thing??? They pulled this thing out that looked like a blue sword from medieval times. *Note to expecting women - get the drugs BEFORE this point. Because when they break the water, the holy shit contractions begin.

I hate to ruin things, but this is really the only part where we had problems. Besides the intense pain the hot wife was in because of the contractions, Braeden's heartbeat starting getting goofy. It would drop during the contraction, and then spike after. So they didn't know if they could give her any drugs, because they didn't know if she was going to need to do a C-section.

No drugs + really painful contractions + very nervous first time mother = bad. Bad feeling father, bad feeling mother, bad feeling doctor, bad feeling nurses... Just bad.

It was hard to watch really. Poor hot wife was in a lot of pain, and all anyone could do is stand around. You can't possibly make a woman in this condition comfortable. How people do this completely natural is beyond me.

Eventually things stabilized enough to give her some drugs to take the edge off, and then they gave her an epidural (sp?). Much, much better. She was smiling, she could lay somewhat comfortably... bottom line, drugs rule. Take the drugs. Early and often if possible.

So, I would say around noonish, she started pushing, and at 1:09pm, a very purple baby boy emerged. 7lbs 6oz, and 21 inches long with some of the longest fingernails and the biggest testicles I have ever seen. Kind of like his dad I guess... you know, the fingernails and all... I guess because he was a bit early the testicles are big because of horomones in the mother's body? I think he's just going to be hung like a horse personally, but that's my own biased opinion... Nature over nurture.

I guess that's really about it. So far he has been really good, besides for not wanting to sleep at all last night, hence the hot wife sleeping now. He was voted best behaved when they took his pictures and did all the stuff they do, and get this, he slept thru the circumcision! I told you he has big balls... of steel. And he poops on them with pride, let me tell ya...

Now it's really all about sleeping and eating. Not for us, but for him. He seems to do really well in both categories. And yes, Concerned Mother's of America, he is breastfeeding :) Hot wife decided to forego the sentence of life in prison, and give the breastfeeding a shot. So far so good.

Except for that I am still very, very tired. And no sex yet.

Nick