Daddy? What are those whip marks on your back from?

The hot wife was browsing expecting mommy websites last night as we waited for Monday Night Football to start. And there are a gazillion of them... which I didn't quite understand. How many different ways can you say that you will be depressed and you can forget about a sex life? Women do everything in excess...

Anyways, as usual, my idiotness got me something I didn't quite bargain for... "What about expecting daddy sites?"

How could I be so stupid? There's no way an actual dad is going to write one of these sites! I knew in no time we would be browsing some pregnant woman's fantasy land, where all expecting dads are expected to... be slaves...

Lord? Why must we be tortured so?

So you’re going to be a dad - http://www.writeroberts.com/clips/expecting.htm

Welcome to the first challenge of fatherhood: your wife’s pregnancy... here are some specifics on what to do — and what not to do. (with my added man's perspective)

· Listen to her when she tells you she’s miserable.

Men are already professionals at this lady... it happens every day, pregnant or not.

· Help out around the house. At the very least, don’t make comments about the sty you live in.

Whatever! The deal was we take care of the garage, you do everything else. It's been this way for all of eternity...

· Let her catch you reading her pregnancy books. Not only will you score points, but they may help you understand....

Sure... as soon as they start reading Playboy and Maxim to score points with us... What would our friends think if they found out we were reading pregnancy books? It would not be pretty...

· “Compliment, compliment, compliment,” says Sheila Hubart, mother of Rebeqa, 10, and Elijah, 6. “There will be a time when she doesn’t think being pregnant is a beautiful thing anymore.”

Yeah? Well there comes a time when we don't think growing hair all over our bodies is a beautiful thing anymore... I don't hear any compliments for us...

· Give her back and foot massages. You can even paint her toenails for her when she’s too big to reach them.

This goes along with listening to how miserable they are...

· Never comment on what she’s eating. Even if you think it’s strange or you’re sure the fat in the super-size fries might hurt the baby, you’ll definitely lose points by remarking on her cravings.

Even if it's a compliment? "wow honey, that's great that you ate all of the Mac 'n Cheese... oh, and the chocolate syrup too... the pickles... didn't want none of those..."

· Take her on a maternity clothes shopping spree. By the end of the pregnancy she will detest the clothes with her whole being, but for now she can’t go naked.

Why not? Demi Moore did it...

· Skip your night out with the guys to stay home with her. She can’t drink alcohol for nine months and probably doesn’t want to be your designated driver. And don’t tell her that since she’s eating for two, you can drink for two.

"ah, sorry dude, I can't play cards tonight... I have to paint my wife's toenails..." Yeah, that will fly like a lead balloon...

· Respond to her nesting instincts. You may think there’s plenty of time, but she is on a mission.

Read: just change the F&*$ING room around, AGAIN, and like it... or she'll kill you in your sleep.

· And finally, go to her doctor’s appointments, or at least ask about them if you can’t make it. Attending the ultrasound appointment and birth classes is a must. Remember, it’s your baby too.

Wait... there's classes? With... other pregnant women??? A whole room full of pregnant women... that should be... uh... a whole bunch of fun... literally....

peace nick