I can be serious sometimes...

I realized something today. I was reading over the front page of my blog, and ya know, there really is no serious subject matter to speak of. I love it. Anyways, it's been some time since I've told ya'll a bit about myself. I think I'll do the 100 things again. The last time I did it was July of last year, and some things have changed.

Here goes:

1. I married my high school sweetheart
2. I was a virgin until we met (yes, I've only slept with one person)
3. I met her thru her friend, who was my childhood crush
4. And my friend, who was hers
5. I tried crack when I was 13
6. I started smoking when I was 13
7. I quit 9 years later, and haven't smoked since
8. I sold LSD in my high school biology class
9. And did LSD more than I care to admit
10. I've done cocaine, mushrooms and marijuana as well
11. I've never tried heroine or ecstasy
12. I've been bit by a Rottweiler, twice
13. I used to train protection dogs
14. In 8 years, we've had 10 Rottweilers, some were foster dogs
15. I was on the board for a dog rescue for 6 years
16. In that time I quit 3 times
17. Now that I'm retired from dog rescue, I miss it
18. I used to design machines that made adult diapers
19. Now I design bathing products
20. I was on Tom Cruise's personal jet
21. I flew to Tennessee and back in one day, twice
22. I hate flying
23. I'm deathly afraid of heights
24. I'm a poker nut
25. And a trivia nut
26. And a history nut
27. I'm just nuts
28. I have an 80+ strong beer bottle collection, all full
29. I only got 3 points off on my driving test
30. But have caused 2 accidents
31. My dream is to own a business
32. I have an Associates degree in Mechanical Design
33. I was half way thru a Bachelor's in Engineering before the program was cancelled
34. I don't want to be an Engineer
35. My birthday is August 7th
36. I'm 27
37. My dad passed away when I was 24
38. I'd give anything to be 23
39. I have 2 sisters, and 1 adopted brother
40. I used to be in a punk band called Wicked Pete
41. We dropped - and the Beer Drinking Goats - from the name
42. I can play guitar, the bass and a little of the drums
43. I can't sing to save my life
44. I wish I knew how to play the piano
45. And the harmonica
46. I used to be a punk
47. I used to hang out with skinheads
48. Then I realized racism sucks
49. I was once asked to join a gang
50. I played hockey for 9 years
51. I was a cub scout for 2 years
52. I'm supposedly Lutheran
53. I don't believe in a God
54. I don't believe in ghosts
55. I'm claustrophobic, but not afraid of the dark
56. I think horror movies are dumb
57. I can't dance
58. My favorite movie is Old School
59. My favorite food is a bacon cheeseburger
60. My favorite beer is Blue Moon, with an orange slice
61. The sight of blood makes me sick
62. I have never broken a bone
63. I have lived in Tennessee
64. And Upper Michigan
65. I was born in Wisconsin
66. Because the town we lived in (in Michigan) had no hospital
67. I had 5 wisdom teeth
68. My hair would be grey if I didn't dye it
69. My first job was for $4.60 an hour
70. I've been a pin chaser in a bowling alley
71. I've been a janitor
72. I watched an F5 tornado, start to finish
73. The philosophies of true communism fascinate me
74. I believe anarcho-socialism would be great
75. I voted for Bush, twice
76. I'm not a Republican
77. I'm pro-abortion
78. I don't have any guns, but I do have a battle axe
79. I've only shot a gun once
80. I can't draw
81. I once protested in front of a pet store
82. I was once a show and tell... with my dog
83. I have Wayne Gretzky's autograph
84. I had Hulk Hogan's, but lost it
85. I really don't think washing your hands is stupid
86. This is my second blog
87. I had a third called DILF for a while, but didn't like it
88. I had a fourth called Make Me Pancakes, but didn't like it
89. Two uninvited strangers had sex at our wedding
90. Two weeks later, we had sex at someone else's
91. They're divorced now
92. I've been to 15 states besides Wisconsin
93. I've had sex in 5, besides Wisconsin
94. I've smoked pot in 4
95. I've fished for a wild crocodile in Georgia
96. I once got lost on the way to Iowa, and ended up in O'Hare parking lot
97. I got hustled for $20 in New Orleans
98. I was glad when it flooded
99. I can ride a bike backwards
100. I am, somebody

Nick

Because of pregnant women, we have biological weapons...

I've been thinking. Some men I'm sure probably can't wait for their woman (yes, there is possession there) to not be pregnant because she bitches a lot. Or maybe she is bed ridden and they have to wait on her hand and foot. Or maybe they can't wait to have drunken mad wild on the couch and then in the hallway against the wall and then on stairs from behind and then on the upstairs toilet sex.

I want the hot wife's pregnancy to be over. But not for the reasons mentioned above, although I do miss that kind of sex. Rather, I want it to be over so that when she's sleeping and I'm laying on the bed next to her, facing the other way, playing poker on the laptop... and she rips ass right in my face, I can wake her up and tell her how disgusting she is.

Now I know she is going to be up in a half hour to pee, so I'm forced to let her get as much sleep as possible. Do you people see the pain I am going through?

Nick

We're gonna have a TV Party tonight. Alright!

Well. I had no idea the 80s TV party would catch on like it has. I'll have to attribute that to some well placed advertising. It's been fun reading what others have come up with so far, and I've even found some new blogs to read. Fun.

And so, to my post. Born in 1979, I was a young 80s child, but an 80s child nonetheless. Unfortunately that means I didn't get to grow up with things like cell phones or cool video games or the internet. The internet. Good lord, could you imagine living without the internet? Well, I couldn't imagine living with it as a kid.

Let me tell you something about me as a kid. I grew up with two older sisters. And a neighborhood full of girls. I rarely hung out with boys, most of my friends were girls. Naturally this made me an extremely curious little boy. Up until I was five years old, my hands were pretty much constantly in my pants. They probably would still be, but it's not all that socially acceptable these days. The 80s were different man...

Anyways, without the internet, where a five year old boy can now just log on and get his daily fill of boobies and girls making out and whatever, I was forced to get my ideas and thoughts from tv. In other words, I would watch tv just to see the cute girls, even if the show was awful. And most were. So, my 80s TV Party post is dedicated to the top 10 cute 80s girls that helped keep my hands in pants.

1. Not a well known character, from really one of the truly worst shows ever to be shown on tv, Amy Hathaway who played Shelby in My Two Dads. She was the main characters friend in the show, but that chick was bugly. Shelby on the other hand helped put me to bed many a night.

2. This next girl kept me up at night. As a young boy, she was everything I wanted, and everything I obviously couldn't have. Yeah... Nicole Eggert who played Jaime in Charles in Charge.

3. A favorite I'm sure of most young boys in the 80s. Alyssa Milano who played Samantha in Who's the Boss. I'll show you who's the boss...

4. I always had a thing for slightly older girls as a kid... who didn't? But Punky Brewster was just so cute. And fun too! I think we would have gotten along just great... Soleil Moon Frye who played Punky Brewster in Punky Brewster.

5. This one's a no brainer. If you didn't think Daisy Duke was holy mutha f'ing hot, you were gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that... Catherine Bachman who played Daisy in Dukes of Hazard.

6. Yeah, she was dumb, which even as a kid was a turn off for me. But even Jack Ritter was no dumb ass. He knew what was up. Suzanne Somers who played Chrissy in Three's Company.

7. Another not so well known character, but much hotter than the main female character... Chelsea Noble who played Kate in Growing Pains. Hey, Kirk Cameron apparently thought she was hot enough to marry. What do want from me?

8. I would have had to kill her whole family if we ever got together, but it could have been done. Justine Bateman who played Mallory in Family Ties. She had kind of the older sister appeal going on there.

9. There was a furry little funny thing on this show? Hmm. Weird. Andrea Elson who played Lynn in ALF.

10. The last girl in the top 10 80s girls who helped keep my hands in my pants is not a girl who was my style. She drove motorcycles, beat people up and was actually kind of a bitch. But I don't know... something about her worked for me. Or maybe there was just nothing else on tv... Nancy McKeon who played Jo in The Facts of Life.

There you have it folks. I'll be in the bathroom if you need me...

Nick

When in Rome...

I know, I know. I said a long time ago that I would post the pics of Rome. I've been busy. Anyways, some time ago I was riding in some rich dude's truck, and he was all bragging about going to Italy. What a douche. I've been there, like, thousands of times. I've even lived there while I studied pornographic photography.

I'm just kidding. I've never lived in Italy... although I have studied pornographic photography. Just ask the hot wife. I take some mean porn pics.

So yeah, without further... writing. The pics, the pics!

Of course every trip includes a trip the Coliseum. Or known in Italy as the... Coliseuma. Note to others, they don't serve beer there, so bring your own.

Uh....

I'm not a big fan of boats really, but I am a hopeless romantic. Don't drink the water after having sex on one of these though, people crap in that stuff. In fact, if you look closely, you can see someone crapping in it in the backround. No. Look closer. Closer........ I'm just kidding, no one is crapping in the water. Sucker.

"Is there a bathroom around here somewhere? Bathrooma? .... Hello?"

All this for soccer? Don't even call it football. It's not football. Real men play football, pansies in Europe play soccer.

Well, that's about it really. As you can see, I painted Rome white like no conquering army has in 40,000 years. Yawn.

Nick

And you thought the Iraq war was bad...

I thought there was a reason that I avoid religion like poop covered spinach. Oh, that's right. Because it makes people crazy...

Have fun fighting the holy war.

Nick

I have a secret...

Einstein ain't got shit on us...

Well kiddies, I have to say that I was quite offended this morning. I'm doing the usual browsing this morning as I'm drinking my cappuccino and I come across a meme that Dawn did. And yadda yadda yadda, she slams the hot wife and I, insinuating that the only interesting topic we could possibly talk to someone else about is dogs.

Wait. Is dogs? Are dogs? How does on transition from singular to plural? Ah, I f'ing hated English...

Anywho. I was stunned. The hot wife and I are way more intellectual than that. If you think we couldn’t sit at your dinner table and drop bombs on your ass like Einstein's field equation relating to the space/time contiuum, you better think again. The hot wife will be all like:

"A dimension does not need to be detected to exist. If we had no memory of the interval we label as 'time,' our existence in space/time would still occur."

And then she'll bust into some crazy time travel shit like this:

"If time travel is possible, shouldn't a time machine already exist?

The idea is that once the problems are worked out and a means/mechanism/machine/modus for time transport is devised, said machine should then exist for all time. Putting it another way, if someone calculates the level of improbability of such a machine, feeds this calculation into a computer connected to a nice cup of really hot tea and turns it on, the time machine is simply called into existence (as was the infinite improbability drive in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams). Well, there is a problem with this. We can perceive only X, Y, Z, and T (where T is apparently a linear straight line). Whereas, the time travel means/mechanism/machine/modus would exist at Tx, Ty, Tz, X, Y, Z. We can not directly perceive that machine, just the same as a two-dimensional being cannot directly perceive a three-dimensional object. The machine could already exist."

Having enough of that, I would then be happy to discuss the study of bioethics and how it relates to the moral foundation of a vegetarian diet. Moreover, whether a vegetarian diet really does cause the "least harm" to animals. In fact, I could explain, no it doesn't and that a pasture-forage production, with herbivores harvesting the forage, would cause the "least harm". This would result in the death of approximately (calculating the math easily in my head)... 300 million fewer animals annually than the total vegan model.

Don't try to play the hot wife and I like fools if you ever have us over for dinner. We can rap with the best of ya'll even after we drink all your wine. And then we'll have sex in your bathroom. That's a promise.

Nick

We have truckloads of sex... in my dreams...

* There has been no spoken word about the concert last week because there was no concert last week. Well, there was, but we didn’t make it. I'll just say, something came up. It happens. It's not all that disappointing though because we just seen him this summer, but I realize I talked it up like the second coming, or as if my soon to be born son had just spoken his first words. Which I hope contain "shocker" or "boobies" or something similar. No, not shocker, like - oh my god, Britney and Madonna just totally made out on stage. The other shocker.

* Did you know today is only two months until our due date? It seems like only last weekend we were having truckloads of sex, trying to get pregnant. Wait... maybe that was my dream last night...

* I learned a very important cooking lesson yesterday. Don't use chili peppers. Being the ignorant fool that I am, and the complete moron I am when it comes to cooking, I agreed to use some chili peppers that my friends gave me in our chili yesterday. It's customary to make chili for the first Packer game of the season. Which proved to be the only positive of the sad day. Anyways, so I'm cutting up these chili peppers right? And I don't use gloves, because, well, I'm stupid. And then I'm thinking, holy crap, this stuff is hot. I can feel it burning my face just standing above it, cutting it up. So, I'm done cutting and touching, I toss the pepper into the chili and go to the sink to wash my hands. And then I do the unthinkable, because, well, I'm stupid. I think, hey, my face is hot and burning, I'll splash some cold water on it... with the hands that were just cutting up a chili pepper.

At this point I really felt no mercy for the Crocodile Hunter taking a stingray barb to the heart. I would have thought long and hard about switching places with him. I've never been pepper sprayed before but I would venture a guess that what I experienced yesterday was 8 trillion times worse. I would imagine that they tame those f'ing peppers down a touch before creating the pepper spray concoction. If not, then that shit is cruel and unusual punishment.

* Can you believe that come this Thursday the hot wife and I will have been married four years? I guess that's easier to believe than the fact that come January, we'll have been together for ten. I don't like to toot out own horn, but I would say in the days of mass divorce and infidelity, this is actually pretty impressive.

* Don't waste your time with the movie The Benchwarmers. It's dumb. Unless you have young kids, then it might not be so bad. For them. Of course, if you have kids, you're probably used to watching stupid movies, so maybe it won't be so bad for your either.

* I don't know what is creepier. People who actually do search DILF on the internet, or people who search DILF and then click on my picture. It makes me wonder though, do they look at my pic and then think, "What? Is this guy kidding?" Or do they think, "mmm... yummmy..." I wonder if any of the DILF searchers would be so kind to tell me what they think...

Nick

Mhmm...

Tomorrow is the Mason Jennings concert in Madison WI (no dammit, commas are not required between cities and states anymore! Wake up America!).

Jennifer O'Connor is opening for him. Check her out. You can listen to her latest album on her website, without even downloading anything.

Oh, don't be such a lazy ass. Like you have anything better to do with your pathetic life. Afterall, you're here, aren't you?

Aren't you?

Why are you guys so damn lazy? You won't wish the hot wife a happy birthday, you never check out any of the musicians I post about. Honestly, I'm getting kind of sick of it. You guys are really starting to piss me off.

I have no one to talk to about any of this stuff, and that, my friends, makes me mad.

Now click here -> HERE DUMASS

Oh, and this time I will have pictures to post.

Nick

How much is that doggie in the window? $400.

I got an email from a friend of mine this morning. His co-worker bought a yellow lab because his wife wanted a puppy. At this point I stopped reading, took off my glasses and rubbed my eyes. I could see where the email was going. Just as the sun rises in the east every morning, the email went on... he wants to sell the dog now because, so as it turns out, puppies actually take training, and patience, and well, you know...

"I figured being the dog person you are, you would know a website or something where he could unload the dog quickly. For $400."

I replied - "I have a crate he could borrow. It doesn't take much to train a dog not to crap in the house."

He writes back and says - blah blah blah, they just got married this year, blah blah blah, only dated for a year, blah blah blah, she won't have any of it. The dog must go.

"Oh, well then the problem is not the dog. Tell him to keep the dog. And sell the wife."

One day cavemen are dragging women around by their hair, next thing you know, the women are telling us to get rid of the dog? If this is evolution, sign me up for the whole God thing. So I can curse the bitch. Bitch.

I would like to think this is an isolated incident, but it's not. I have a friend who just got married this past weekend. A few weeks ago, I asked what he was up to that night, and he told me was playing his last poker game.

"Why, because you suck and never win any money?"

"No, I'm sure after the wedding the wife will find a way to put a stop to it."

I stumbled backwards, gasping for air and watched helplessly as his soul, his dignity, his balls, drifted from his body and disappeared in thin air. No... it can't be... not a man's poker night... Bitch.

This? This is the status of mankind as we know it? Reduced to taking orders from our wives like children? Now, don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not advocating the shoe being on the other foot. There are plenty of women who take way too much crap from men as well.

Why? Why do people allow their lives to be run like this? Like they are puppets on a string? Do they lack the self-esteem to look their masters in the eye and say, "F&*% you bitch, I am going to play poker tonight. Mind your own damn business."???

I could see if you're a bum, and you sit around playing vids all day while you're wife is out in the real world supporting your bum ass. Then it's probably best you do bow down and take orders. But if you work an honest job, make an honest living, do your part around the house, how on earth do you let someone control you like this?

The hot wife and I have always joked that we are going to offer marriage counseling to people. I'm starting to think we could actually pull it off and make a decent living, because there are couples out there that need some serious help.

My first piece of advice would be - you are both adults, and you should be able to function in life without the constant supervision and/or nagging of your significant other. If you can't than what you really need is a full time caretaker. There should be a difference.

My second piece of advice would be - when you go to jail, the first thing you do is kick someone's ass. If you don't you're going to end up someone's bitch. That doesn't really apply to relationships very well, but it's good advice nonetheless.

Nick