37 things you couldn't care less about...

I was tagged by Dawn to do a meme. I'm never tagged by anyone, so I'm pretty excited about this... Heeeeeeere we go!

Seven movies I love:

1) Office Space
2) Rush Hour
3) Happy Gilmore
4) 40 Year Old Virgin (know how I know you're gay?)
5) Gladiator
6) Clerks
7) Old School

Two books I like (I'm not much of a reader):

1) Message From 'Nam - Danielle Steel
2) 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen Covey

Seven things I say:

1) What?
2) Oh, I guess one Jaeger Bomb wouldn't hurt...
3) I'm never drinking like that again...
4) Are you pregnant yet?
5) Know how I know you're gay?
6) Fuck that shit...
7) How 'bout Chinese Buffet?

Seven things that attract me to a city:

1) Good restaurants
2) Hiking/bike/walking trails
3) A nearby beach
4) Decent weather (no snow or cold)
5) I guess I should start caring about schools...
6) Good jobs
7) Low crime

Seven things to do before I die:

1) Travel Europe
2) Go to California
3) Take a cruise
4) Learn to play the piano
5) Drive coast to coast
6) Have a newspaper column
7) Move somewhere warm

Seven things I can't do:

1) Sing
2) Give speeches or present in front of people
3) Fly without wanting to barf
4) Go on a roller coaster without wanting to die
5) Drive a car with manual transmission
6) Tuck my shirt in right
7) Lose weight

Wahoo! Thanks Dawn, that was fun.

peace nick

Uh... a six pack of beer...

We didn't get to see Mason Jennings last night, the concert is really next week. Apparently I can't read a calendar very well... But we didn't realize he wasn't playing until we were already in our front row seats. By then we're just thinking, ok, we'll listen to the first few songs of whomever is playing, and if it sucks, we'll just get up and leave.

Well, it wasn't a musician. It was a comedian. Robbie Printz. At first I was thinking, oh shit, maybe we should just take off, he's probably going to suck... But if you've ever been to a comedian's show, you know you don't leave once they've started. Chances are that you will become the routine at that point. That's almost a guarantee.

But the guy was pretty funny. He's been on Comedy Central, MTV, yadda yadda yadda. So it wasn't too bad. And it was only $4 to get in.

It was kind of akward because we became part of the show almost right away. He starts talking about picking up women, and he's scanning the front row for someone to pick on. Well, we wanted kick ass seats to Mason Jennings, so we got in early and got in the front row. So he picks on some other kid (and they were all fricken kids...) for a while, asks how he picks up chicks, yadda yadda yadda...

And then he calls on us. "You two. You a couple?"

Hmmm... do the wedding rings give it away? Or the fact that we are the oldest fricken people in the joint?

"Uh, yeah"

Thinking. Sweating. Cringing.

"How'd you pick her up?"

Oh shit. Now I have two options. I can come up with some smart ass quick line, which I'm actually pretty good at. I'm witty. Or I can tell the truth,which is a long, drawn out, somewhat cheesy story, and surely become this guy's bitch the rest of the night. But I don't want to say something stupid, and have the hot wife kick me in the shins under the table, or worse yet, burn me back.

"Uh... a six pack of beer..."

That's not how I picked her up, but it was the only thing I could think of. Beer. I wanted one, and they weren't serving any, you know, this being a college campus and all... For heaven's sakes, they should have had fricken keg stand stations...

The hot wife took it pretty well, and the comedian did get a shot back at me by suggesting that it should have taken at least that for her to get with me. Not bad.

I'm really such an idiot. A six pack of beer? I dunno... I was on the spot, what the hell was I supposed to do?

Oh well. Next weekend, the Mason Jennings concert dammit.

peace nick

That's enough pictures of me naked already!

Here's an interesting story. A convicted sex offender was arrested for using his cell phone to download child porn. Which I think is great and all, we should bust these freaks any chance we get. But the sentence that caught my eye was this one:

A T-Mobile employee discovered the images last summer in a routine audit of customer accounts. The company notified federal law enforcement officials.

Wait a second... can they see the pictures you take on your cell phone? I'm sure you have to download them somewhere or send them, but can you just imagine what else these perverts are catching? People take some raunchy pictures with their cell phones... You only need to spend one night in the bar to see what goes on with a little liquor and picture phones....

I think cell phones and digital cameras are catching people in poses they probably shouldn't be in, and never were caught in before those technologies existed. Add a little liquor, some music like Back That Ass Up and the possibilities are endless really...

You might want to consider that the next time you show your boobies for some guy at the bar with a picture phone... The T-Mobile guys are going to be all over that... Could you imagine that job? Searching customer accounts and just browsing all the picutres they take? It must be like getting paid to surf amateur porn sites...

T-Mobile guy 1 - "Dude! Come check this fricken chick out!!!"

T-Mobile guy 2 - "Wow. Dude... you gotta send that one to me..."

I wonder if they're hiring...

peace nick

Guess who's back, back again?

Our little vacation over the weekend was fun, aside from being extremely hungover Sunday and Monday. That's why I haven’t written since, I didn't want to bring the mood down with a hangover post. Is it just me or do you get hangovers so much easier when you get older? I'm telling you, no drinking when I have kids. I will not be able to handle both in the same day, I will literally die...

Also wanted to get your thoughts on something... Is it wrong to have sex when you have friends staying over in the other room? It's not like we had the door open and were being loud, but it still feels a little... um... naughty. I mean, the hot wife won't even have sex without like boarding up the bedroom windows and turning off all the lights, for fear someone might be looking in our windows and see our shadows going thru the motions of getting it on. And here we are having sex, with our friends not 15 feet from us in the other room... We're crazy like that.

God I hope they don't know this blog exists...

In my opinion, it's ok to have sex with other people in the house, as long as you are the hosts, and not the guests. It's unacceptable to have sex in someone else's house, unless they are having sex as well. Or if you're swingers...

Wait, we've had sex in other people's houses. Remember that time at my sister's when we did the tour of the Southern States? And then in Georgia too when we stayed with our friends...

I guess it is ok to have sex in someone else's house, just so long as they don’t know about it...

By the way, I realize that this post nixes the already small chance that one of you out there in blogland would ever invite us to spend the night, should we ever crawl into your neighborhood... Think about it though... we're much cheaper than porn... and there's no annoying-80s-spacey-weird-shaft-like-freaky music either...

peace nick

Hi, my name is, Slim Shady

It's been a rough week. I wrote a guest post for Dawn and it really just took all my energy away. I just don't have much for you guys this week. Except this:

- I hate it when people put bread in the fridge.

- I hate it when people bitch about not getting any comments on their blog, but when you leave a comment, they pretend you don't exist. Address your damn commenters once in a while...

- We're tempting fate this weekend by vacationing in winter. You may recall that we tried this last year, with not so successful results... We have a play date (drunk fest) planned with a couple we're friends with coming from the Twin Cities. Wish us luck. (Sorry, there will be no swinging... we already cleared that one up...)

- If you're going to buy porn, don't cheap out and by three of the cheap movies. They suck. Just buy one good one instead. We ordered some porn online a while ago, and when we got it, one of the movies was out of stock. So I had to email them for a replacement. Talk about an akward email... "Dear blah blah blah, our movie Ass Lickers 9 was out of stock. Please replace with Cum On Over, Part Twat." Gotta love porn movie titles...

That's about all I have I guess. Drink hard and drive fast this weekend!

peace nick

Dawn's post

Ever since Dawn said I could guest blog for her this week I have been thinking of what to write about. I don't know how many of you have ever read my blog, probably not many. I write about things like drinking, and about trying to conceive a child... what do I have that could probably relate to her audience? The truth is, I have nothing. So I will have to pretend instead. I will have to put myself in Dawn's shoes. I will be Dawn... for just one day. It will be fun I think.

crack of dawn (sometime before 6am) - wake up while husband getting dressed to go to work

crack of dawn + 1 minute - curse husband, go back to sleep

6:15am - wake up to Tiny Mad Woman decorating walls with magic marker

6:16am - take aspirin

6:17am - wrestle marker away, turn on tv for kids, return to bed

6:19am - get up, drink chai

6:21am - check Nick's blog, nothing new yet

6:30am - shower

6:43am - still showering

6:58am - emerge from shower to Tiny Mad Woman coloring bathroom walls with marker

7:02am - take aspirin

7:19am - wrestle marker away, sit kids in front of tv, return to bathroom

8:22am - finish "getting ready"

8:25am - check Nick's blog, nothing new yet, read archives again

8:45am - check other, not so good blogs...

9:17am - get kids dressed

10:45am - leave for grocery store

11:38am - return from store after spending $237 on groceries

11:58am - make kids mac and cheese for lunch

12:00pm - watch Days of Our Lives

12:01pm - wrestle marker away from Tiny Mad Woman

12:03pm - take aspirin

12:05pm - crack, drink first beer

12:11pm - check Nick's blog, read new post, LOL, leave nice comment

12:30pm - go to first play date

12:31pm - take aspirin

1:15pm - return from play date, take aspirin

1:17pm - second beer (hiccup)

1:45 - third beer, take aspirin

2:00 - second play date

2:35 - return from second play date

2:38pm - put kids down for nap, forth, 5th beer, asprin, Nyquil, valum, 6sixth beer

2:48pm - first box of wyne

3:11pm - write bleg post about prose of drinkin box wine

3:30pm - witch, curss Dr. Phil... he think he smart... whats he know?

3:36pm - more box of wine, sevnth beer

3:38pm - cll husand, tell him ta bnrig =hme more beeeeeeer

4:00pm - Oprah... I lve OprAh

4:01pm - grab box of tissues, watch more Oprah

4:02pm - pass out

6:22pm - wake to husband, Tiny Mad Woman & Mine Einstein singing

6:38pm - take aspirin

7:11pm - make mac and cheese for dinner

8:00pm - watch Survivor

8:06pm - fall asleep

That was a hard day... except for the drinking. Overall, I think I'd be much better off at work...

peace nick

Yeah the world would swing if I were king...

I read this pretty interesting news story the other day about this King Mswati III, from Swaziland in Africa. Everytime this king wants to pick a new wife (of which he has many apparently) he has all these virgins dance practically naked for him, and he just takes his pick from them. Recently he had one of these dances and over 50,000 potential brides showed up to hopefully be plucked from a life of misery and poverty, and become one of his wives.

How fricken cool is this? Could you imagine? You say you want a wife, and 50,000 women show up to dance for you, and you just walk out there and take your pick???

I will bring absolute monarchy to the US. I will be king dammit. And when I am, things will be better around here.

Now, since I like to do top 10s, here are 10 ways that the United States would be better were I king...

10. No one shall work on their birthday.

9. I will summon all the global warming experts... we need to warm this crap hole up a little bit...

8. We will finally annex Canada and Mexico. I'm sick of drinking watered down Labatts and Corona dammit... And some bull fighting would be cool too...

7. Our national sport will be roller derby. Baseball will be banned. It's f-ing boring and corrupt. Wrestling will also be banned... NASCAR will only be allowed in Arkansas, and it shall not be televised.

6. Every Tuesday, all criminals will plead their case before me. If I like them, they will live. If not, they will be shot. Child molestors and rapists will be buried alive.

5. Good porn will be a standard part of every cable package. No more of this paying $14.95 to rent garbage.

4. Smoking will be illegal. Anyone caught smoking will have to smoke 3 cartons worth of cigarettes in a row. Cigars are ok only while playing poker.

3. There will be no maximum speed limit. The minimum will be 50mph. If you can't keep up, ride a bike.

2. Mini skirts will be mandatory for women.

And the #1 reason the United States will be a better place when I am king....

FREE BEER FRIDAYS!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!

I rock...

peace nick

The two-fold theory

It's kind of weird sometimes how male conversations take on a life of their own. I have a theory that I've developed which I just shared with the hot wife with the other day. I call it the, uh... two-fold theory. I didn't really have a name for it before, so I just came up with that off the top of my head. I reserve the right to change it in the future.

Basically the two-fold theory states that, in a conversation between a group of just men, you can take what anyone says and essentially divide it in half to arrive at the real truth.

To take a simple example, if a group of guys is talking, and one says "yeah dude, I got so drunk last night and took these three chicks back to my place..." yadda yadda yadda... He really only took one chick back. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that anytime a story involves alcohol, it must be divided by a factor of three, not two.

Another example would be, if a guy says a certain someone was hot, she was alright. If she was smokin' hot, she was just hot. If he punched some dude, he got knocked the f&%$ out. If he kicked the crap out of them, it was probably an even fight.

I think the reason for this phenomenon is that guys don't want to hear a boring story. Women like the boring stories. They like hearing about the quiet night you spent with your guy watching The Notebook, and you cried and then he held you until you both drifted off to sleep.... BORING. If you open your mouth in front of a group of guys to tell a story or describe a night, dammit it better have some substance. We don't want to hear the truth, that you sulked at the end of the bar all night while your ex was out on the dance floor humping everything with two legs and a drink in their hand.

Men need sex (preferably with multiple women), violence, mass chaos and looting, or at the very least, serious vandalism. But, we know that can't happen every weekend, so there is a need to beef a story up a little bit. We don't care if you're embellishing a little bit, or two-fold, or three-fold, just make sure the story kicks ass.

Oh yeah, and there should be no questioning another's story, unless it involves a direct cut on you or sex with a member of your immediate family. If you know someone is just flat out lying thru their teeth, don't be an ass about it, just use it as an opportunity to embellish your own story accordingly.

peace nick

When the sun is shining...

My apologies for the morbid post yesterday, I was kind of bummed and really didn't feel like explaining much. Essentially, one of the dogs that the hot wife and I fostered last year is going to be put to sleep soon. I liked that little shit, but you know, it happens. If you were with us for the old blog, which most of you probably weren't, you may remember some of the Andy stories.

But it kind of made me think back about my former life in dogs and doing dog rescue, and all the dogs that we have taken care of over the past 7 or so years. There are lots of things we wouldn't have experienced if it were not for my sometimes insane fascination of dogs. Like...

I never would have experienced protesting in front of a pet store (dog people are anti-pet store… go figure).

We would have never gotten so lost that we ended up driving thru the Chicago O'Hare airport parking lot on our way to Iowa

Or smoked a joint on some empty street in Chicago overlooking Lake Michigan, and then walked downtown to Timothy O'Toole's for some of the best damn quesadillas to ever grace the planet.

We wouldn't have flown to Florida. That trip was great, aside from not being able to hear the whole trip because I flew with a nasty head cold, and my ear drums almost burst from the pressure. Of course Amy got sick too, so we were both miserable. But we did make it to the beach, where I really underestimated what two hours of sun with no sun screen would do (hey, we don't have a sun in Wisconsin…). And the only thing that saved us from getting jacked when we got lost on Dr. King Drive in Tampa was the fact that our rental car was a f-ing purple Kia Rio…

It sucks having to deal with dogs being put to sleep, and that's really the main reason that I've distanced myself from dog clubs and dog rescues lately. But I'm glad they led us on some great adventures in life. I guess you just have to take the bad with the good sometimes.

Life... it's a mother fucker...

peace nick

This sex stuff is hard work...

As a lot of my regular readers know, for the past few weeks the hot wife and I have been trying to conceive a child. It's been a lot of fun, and I've learned a lot lately, but admittedly, it's been harder than I thought it would be. The hardest part is getting the timing down. Are you ovulating, are you not ovulating, you got take your temperature, and follow some sun chart, and pray to the Greek Goddess Ovulus… you name it. We haven't started in on the spoonful of peanut butter, but it may get there soon...

Well, this go around, we just said to hell with all of that... we're going with the Saturation Method. Which I know, sounds like great stuff... until you are in the middle of it. It's hard f-ing work! My boys haven't worked this hard since I was 18, and being the young, horny kids we were, we had sex like four times a day. It was great back then, because after 17 years of getting nothing but my hand (yes I DID start as a newborn), I had lots of inventory stored away. But when you are with a women, you get into a rhythm and production is a little easier to forecast. It's not that easy to just ramp up production for two, three times a day. I'm old…

And with that, a poem from the field:

We've been working hard, since
last week, New Year's Day night
Now another weekend is upon us
the end is now in sight

We're not going to lie to you
it hasn't exactly been easy
We've lost some boys along the way
which makes the newbies queasy

But with a little beer (ok a lot)
and some brand new porn movies
We should be ready to go
for all our opportunities

Now I know our poems suck
we'll leave you with this ditty
If we have to come back next month
that would be pretty shitty

Please God let us find that fricken thing
so our Master can get some rest
And we can see something else for once
like a cheek, or even a breast

Nice fellas... nice...

peace nick

California dreamin' on such a winter's day

I've never been a big fan of the saying - "all things happen for a reason". But it's kind of remarkable how often it seems true. Take for example the hot wife and I. When we were kids, we both had "crushes" on the other's friend. We get to high school, magically hook up with these crushes which allows us to meet and become good friends. We realize they're losers, realize we're much better for each other, and 9 years later you're reading this. Call it fate I guess.

Now, as some of you may remember, a while back we had a dream of owning our own reception hall business. We had the place, it was for sale, we had our business plan ready to go… we just didn't have any cash. No investors, no rich uncles, the bank said no way, the government laughed at us… and the business hopes died.

But I think this is where the fate thing comes back in. The hot wife is starting school for real estate appraisal this month. This holds so much more promise than the reception hall idea, and would never have come up had that plan actually worked out. An appraisal business takes almost no start-up costs, you can work a lot more from home (which will be nice with kids), and from what everyone is telling us, there is a lot of money out there to be made.

The hot wife is going to be great in real estate, whether it's appraisals or the occasional selling. She's too hot and charming to not be dealing with people that have lots of money. Some day, when we're rich from all this, hopefully I can fulfill my dreams of retiring by 40 and we can just hang out with our bratty kids on some beach in the California sun sipping martinis. Life is going to be great.

With any luck, we'll be just in time for the next housing bubble…

peace nick

Thinking... wondering... wishing...

- Is it an unwritten rule that college websites have to suck ass? I go to two colleges. Both have the shittiest websites ever. Heaven forbid they have any useful information, like maybe a school calendar, or online registration that actually works, maybe even what books you may need for a certain class. I know, I'm pushy, but I pay a lot of money for this crap. For $300 a credit, they should have websites that are at least up to date…

- I'm not quite sure what the sun looks like anymore. It's been cloudy for two weeks.

- I was thinking about the friends that I went to the football game with, who I would say consist of about half of my friends that I grew up with, and still hang out with. All three have kids. All three are not with the women they had kids with. All three women are truly evil bitches. Did I miss something growing up?

- There's no better feeling than spilling just a couple of drops of cappuchino, on your tan pants, just to side of your zipper. "no…. I didn't piss my pants. I spil... oh nevermind…"

- When you're having sex, with the goal of getting pregnant, is there a line that shouldn't be crossed with regard to fantasies or roll playing? Are three-some fantasies out? What about bi-sexual fantasies? What about masturbation fantasies, because ya know… you can't masturbate when you're trying to get pregnant. You gotta save that stuff for the real deal. Masturbation is like heroin. Because… uh… it's hard to give up. I guess it's like a lot of other addictive things, but it’s funner to say something is like heroin. Is funner even a f-ing word? Funner. It sounds funny. Funner sounds funny?

- Damn, where's the f-ing sun???

peace nick

It's going to be a rock star year...

I know, it's cliché, but my brain is not functioning enough yet to come up with a real post. So, I'm going to do my New Year's resolutions. I have about 8 gazillion every year, but this year we'll wittle them to the top 10. Because I like doing top 10s... Let's begin:

10. Only drink water at home during the week

9. Limit alcohol consumption to weekends (except special occasions, and hard days at work… and eating out...) F&*$ it… let's just make this one, limit alcohol consumption to nights and weekends. Screw #10.

8. Be able to run a 5k, without dying

7. Have rock star abs

6. Get my hot wife pregnant

5. Get my first tattoo

4. Finish my Associate's Degree

3. Visit a state or country I've never been to

2. Volunteer at least once for a good cause

1. Finish painting the garage… green, not brown...

As you can see, this is going to be a great year. If all goes according to plan, I will have a rock star body with a rock star tattoo, my garage will be painted, a child will grace our presence and I'll actually have a degree for all millions I've spent on schooling.

What else can you ask for?

peace nick

I promise to abuse my kids...

I'm a little worried about being a parent to tell you the truth. It's weird that being as young as I am (for an adult) that I feel so old and out of touch. We babysat for my brother who is 14 this past weekend. We also used to babysit for my sister-in-law's three boys, sometimes still do.

Now, I'm 26. It wasn't really that long ago that I was there age. But things were not like they are now. I know all people probably feel this way as they get older... the youth of today is, well... in trouble. But I don't think we're just talking about listening to cruddy music anymore, although, the music of today is arguably cruddy. What ever happened to MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice??? Now that was music...

But I seriously think the youth of today is in some serious trouble. Here's why:

- T.V. For the love of whatever, kids are in front of the t.v. way too f-ing much. I know this will sound retarded to the older folks, but we only had 25 fricken channels when I was growing up. And they all sucked. We never sat and watched t.v. unless it was -30 degrees out or pouring rain. We went outside! And played! With other kids! If you didn't have any friends around, you just beat the crap out of whomever you could find. Or heaven forbid... you rode your fricken bike to where your friends lived... Now you need a cell phone and a homing device to leave the driveway. Parents these days are ninnies. Let your kids explore... Get run over a couple of times...

- Video games. It wasn't until I was at least 11 or 12 that Super Mario Brothers came out. You jumped on turtles and shot fireballs at weird, fat looking fish. Now at five years old, these kids are taking their skateboards and smashing people in the head, or running from cops in fancy ass cars and shooting up neighborhoods. Hmmm... think that will effect them in the long run? Nah...

- Discipline. No one knows how to fricken discipline their kids anymore. Gee, you can't spank your kids, oh heavens no... We have to be friends with our kids, and sit them in front of the t.v. like good little robots, and let them surf the internet all day, and cry and piss and moan for the best Nike shoes money can buy. Maybe, maybe, just maybe, if you whack the damn little brat when he/she acts like an idiot, and teach them how to respect adults, and go to bed without having a snack and 3 hours of television time... maybe they won't have a f-ing hissy fit in the store when they can't buy the newest, bad ass video game...

I'm all about firm discipline first, and then priviledges later. Kids today just get shit to shut them up. That's no way to raise a kid. Let the little bastard cry himself to sleep once in a while. It builds character. Teach them to respect all adults. Make them go outside once in a while and get away from the t.v. or video games.