The culmination of the vacation

There is one thing I love about the holiday season. No, not gift giving. Or eating, although I've done enough of that for everyone this year... It's the vacation. I get a shit load of it. Because where I am employed is ruled with an iron fist by a large and powerful union, we get quite a few days off around Christmas and the New Year. Although this year sucked, because Christmas and New Years are on weekends... I've still had way too much time off.

Have I mentioned that I get a crap load of vacation yet? Are you jealous? I hope so. I'm jealous of myself, really...

Anyways, you may all be wondering what I have been doing with all this time off... So, things I have done (or have happened) on my vacation, which is only less than half over mind you...

- I got drunk. And puked. Like five times. The night before Christmas Eve we went out and whooped it up. Big f-ing mistake people. I said I was only going to have one. One turned into eight, with a couple of shots. It turns out that Christmas Eve SUCKS when you are hung over. I thought I said that I was never going to do this shit again... I'm just glad I don't have my own kids yet (we'll get to that).

- We were invited to be swingers. Doesn't that sound fun? Um, no, it's actually quite uncomfortable. The worst part I think is the fact that she asked him to marry her. And she was trying to get us to swing. Can you see what the problem in this relationship is? He has no balls. I'd be willing to bet that she might actually have some. I'm not taking the chance that she pulls out whips and chains and beats my ass... "Uh, I think we're going to pass on the domin... er, swinging tonight. Yeah, we just have the whole Christmas Eve with the family thing going on tomorrow..." Yikes. *Note to self - never answer their damn phone calls again...

- Sex. Yeah, it turns out this getting pregnant thing is a little more complicated when you are actually trying. When you're not, then it all works out. So, we're back to having sex. A lot. My boys may think this is funny now, you know, screwing off when they get in there and are supposed to be looking for the Mother Ship... but let me tell ya, if this goes another month, no one is going to be laughing then...

That's all for today. I'm off to play with my presents.

peace nick

Uh, thanks for the Christmas ca... HOLY CRAP!

I'm weird about Christmas cards. I don't like them. Not because I don't think they are a nice gesture, but because some people go all out and get everyone they've ever even run into a card.

"Hey Janice, remember me? You know, I'm the guy that you bumped into that one night at the bar when I was walking by with four beers in my hand. Yeah, that was me. Yup, the loud obnoxious table... Uh, yeah, I actually do still hang out with those guys... Well, anyways, here's your Christmas card."

Every year I end up with about 15 Christmas cards from people I would have never expected to get one from. You end up feeling like a cheap ass, because you reserve your Christmas wishes for those people that you actually care about.

Now I'm even more distressed because people have actually taken it a step further, and people I hardly know are buying me presents to go along with the Christmas cards... that I never expected. Not only just presents though. The worse presents of them all... scratch off lottery tickets.

Scratch off lottery tickets do not make good presents. Either the person wins jack shit, and their "present" is now just a worthless piece of paper. "Wow, thanks, now I feel like an even bigger loser than before. Not only did I not buy you a card OR present, but the present you bought me, is, uh, worthless..."

Or they win. And then there are weird feelings. Do you share the money you just won from their present? Do you not? How much do you share? Is it based on some calculation, like, winnings divided by years known, multiplied by a safety factor of 1.2?

Today I got a Christmas card. From someone I barely know. With a scratch off lottery ticket in it.

I won.

$100.

I honestly didn't want it. I tried to give it back. Of course, they wouldn't be able to take it back, that would be weird... but I had to at least try. I didn't deserve a $100 present from this person. I barely know them, and... I didn't get them anything. No card. No present. I probably wouldn't have even wished them a Happy Holidays, or whatever the stupid politically correct saying is this year...

I didn't want the money. I couldn't give it back. So I did the next best thing... I took everyone out to Chinese buffet. It's really a gift that keeps giving... I ended up with $60 left over... and I don't look like a cheap ass.

I'm brilliant, I know... But my motto is, when life hands you a lemon, sell it and go get some Chinese...

peace nick

Daddy, can we go to the beach today???

I don't ever want to hear any of you complain about your weather... Or global warming...

*Update - this was from last year on Christmas Eve. This. Is. Holy. Shit. Cold.

This brings back some fun memories... I remember we had to wait on the back porch when we let the dogs out to make sure that as soon as they pee'd, they got their butts back in the house. Otherwise their feet would literally freeze and we would have to run out and carry them in.

Yeah... turns out carrying a 95 pound Rottweiler in -11F temperatures is not as easy as one might think...

peace nick

How can girls be so mean?

So I open the internet to do some lunchtime browsing. I'm even thinking of this post I want to write. So I start looking for this picture of this chick in this Nokia commercial, Jill. The commercial is basically Jill sitting on her bed, talking about how she dumps her boyfriend, David, and finally erases his name from her Nokia phone. It's stupid, but if you look closely, at the end of the commercial, her eyes like bug out of her head as she's talking. Now that would have made for one funny post....

Anyways, so, I'm looking for this picutre, because I was sure that someone beat me to it and posted it somewhere... I mean, this is the internet for crying out loud...

Instead. I find... http://www.mensactivism.org/article.pl?sid=05/12/06/202225&mode=threaded&threshold=-1

Oh. My. F-ing. God.

How did I find it? Well, turns out they either wrote a letter in reference to this very commercial, or just posted one, that was sent to Nokia accusing it of "misandry", and complaining that it was "MEAN SPIRITED and supports the offensive societal bias that male bashing is perfectly acceptable, desirable, and even fun." The letter goes on to point out that the viewing audience actually knows nothing about poor David, and questions why we should side with Jill.

IT'S A F-ING COMMERCIAL FOR A PHONE YOU SISSY! I don't think they're asking you to F-ING SIDE WITH JILL!!!

I'll tell you what I would like to do... I would like to file a lawsuit on behalf of all men who are NOT ninnies to have this website shut down, and have all their members executed. I'm just shocked that there is a website out there, with a bunch of pansies who just cry and whine about "misandry" and "mean spirited male bashing". I'm shocked. I really am.

I don't even know what the hell misandry means...

Let me go find out... uh... google... misandry... A HA!

mi·san·dry (mĭ-săn'drē) n.
Hatred of men.

Are these people serious? It is actually a word? I always thought the word for hatred of men was "playa-hata".

I don't get it. Are these gay guys? No, that can't be. Gay guys are always friends with women. Who are these people? And what the hell are they doing trying to represent all men in the quest to end misandry?

Have no fear, my fellow non-ninny-men... I will not rest until these people are dead. All three of them.

peace nick

This blog is too much pressure...

I really hope all of the sex I've had in the past week results in the conception of a child, because I'm just running out of topics for you guys. It's not that I don't have the desire to write, it's just that I have the desire to be interesting, and nothing seems all that interesting lately.

I was going to write a post about gay marriage, since it looks like Wisconsin will be another state to vote on banning it next November. Too intense though.

I could talk about how I played poker on Saturday for nine and a half hours and won $75. Boring.

Or how I forgot to call the hot wife and let her know that I wouldn't be home until 3:30 the next morning… let's not go there...

I could talk about a conversation that occurred in the above mentioned poker game about a friend who is potentially interested in another friend's ex-wife, who just so happens to be friends with the first friends ex-wife. Nah… too soap operaish.

Or how you shouldn't get your meat where you make your bread, which was my advice to the first friend's comment that he wanted to get with a co-worker. Bleh. I don't even know how to make that funny or interesting. But you shouldn't do it, either way.

eh, I've got nothing.

peace nick

When I was your age...

Amy has a nice little post about her son's 14th birthday. I feel like I'm just piggy-backing off of everyone else's posts lately... Anyways, he gets to go out for pizza and then off to the movies. That's awesome. You know you have a great kid, and did some good work, if he's satisfied with that at 14.

When I was 14, things were different. Not that my parents were bad parents... let's just say I was sneaky. And bad. Here are some things I did when I was 14, just to make all you parents shit your pants...

- I shaved my head, except for my bangs. It was somewhere between a girl's skinhead, and a retarded skateboarder's cut. It was nasty, but it was low maintenance.

- I was a punk. I listened to bands like Wasted Youth, the Exploited, Chaos UK, Circle Jerks, etc. A wide range of anti-establishment music that you probably don't want your kids listening to...

- I did acid for the first time. And second time. And a whole bunch of times after that. My first time was the night of our freshman dance, 9th grade. 9th grade... good lord, I was the poster child for kids you don't want your kid to hang out with.

- I tried crack. Behind my friend's garage one day, a friend pulled out some rocks. I have no idea where they got this crap. No one would do it, so I offered. Put it in a pot pipe, lit it up, and CRACK! It popped right in my face. Hence the name crack I guess... I don't think you're supposed to smoke it in pot pipes...

- I smoked pot. A lot. I started smoking pot in 8th grade. My friends were dealers. sigh... "I just don't know where he wrong..." I'm sorry Mom.

- I got pulled out of gym class because they received information from the high school that I had a gun. I didn't. My friend did. He got drunk before school, had a gun and was going to shoot his Art teacher. He shot up the back of the school instead. This was years before Columbine.

- My friend jumped a kid right in front of the principal's office one morning. Right in front of his girlfriend. He was telling people we stole a shotgun out of a police car. He shit his pants and had to go home. Poor kid...

- We used to smoke under the bridge before school. Pot, cigarettes... whatever. It's amazing I still remember some of the 8th grade Spanish I took.

- I skipped my first class in 9th grade. My 3 friends got caught. I got away with it. I had good friends in high places...

Ummm, parents, just be glad your kids didn't hang out with me when I was 14. Know who they hang out with and what they're doing. If they bring anyone around like me... kill them.

peace nick

Going t'California with an aching... in my heart...

Lulu has a wonderful post describing 10 ways she would spend a winter in Wisconsin. Well, I've spent way too many of them here, so thought it would be fun to spend one in California... Let's begin.

1. It's beginning to look a lot like... a beach party!

2. Christmas shopping on Rodeo Drive. That's hot.

3. Suddenly, running around the block naked on New Year's Eve doesn't seem all that impressive... but I'd do it anyways.

4. Sex in front of a fire, but on the beach, instead of the living room. I guess just sex on the beach.

5. Mow the lawn in December. Literally and figuratively.

6. ring, ring... "Yeah, Nick (Lachey)? Yeah dude, I'm in California for the whole winter dude! Yeah, I know, rocks! What, you wanna go pick up some chicks in H-Wood? Cool dude, come pick me up!"

7. I hear they have, like, $20 martinis in California. I'm so gettin' wasted on those. And the walk home will be sooooo much nicer...

8. Californication. I'm not sure what that means, but if I ever get to California, I'm a be all about the Californication...

9. Luncheons with Arnold.

10. "Oh man, these riots are so much better in real life! Yeah, it dawned on me that I need new home furnishings too!"

mmmm, California, where all your dreams come true... and you don't have to shovel F$%&ING snow...

peace nick

Can you feel the love tonight?

I love a good review, and we get one today from mergrl over at An Extraordinary Ordinary Life:

I Think Washing Your Hands is Stupid: love, love, love Nick. He is very funny and has the most interesting topics :0)

The first thing I thought when I read this, was, wow... that's really nice! It is. It's a good feeling to get compliments on something you put a lot of time into.

The second thing I thought was, damn, don't lie to people and get their hopes up! I'm not that funny.

Anyways, let's thank mergrl for the kind words. And visit her site. You'll like it, because I like it.

In other news, it's go week for me and the boys as we set out in search of the hot wife's holy grail (egg). Because I realize this is never a for sure thing, I thought a little prayer would be in order. Let's begin:

Dear Lord
Our training is complete
our confidence, high as can be
As we set out upon our mission
provide us light, so we can see

Dear Lord
Though we have never seen it
we know our destination
And we'll party when we get there
to start the grand gestation

Dear Lord
Though we are all strong
this is a competition
And our commander has but one request
please let only one of us in

Dear Lord
We are ready
the time has come
Set us free
let's have some fun

Amen

peace nick

Mowing the lawn in December???

One of the things I love about our society is our constant willingness to change with trends. Some societies aren't that way, and do things now the same way they have for generations. One of the trends I'm most excited about, that has really only come about in the past few decades… is, our willingness to… hmmm, how do I say this… shave our nether-region. Mow the lawn, if you will.

But like with anything of a sexual nature, and I blame religion for this, there is a certain taboo to discussing the mowing of the lawn. Luckily for women, there is always more discussion about what is and what isn't acceptable as far as bodily maintenance.

Not so much for men. Men tend to keep to themselves in regards to what they do with the bodies, other than, you know, working out and massive bodily injuries… Never, ever, is the topic of mowing the lawn brought up. At least as it applies to men. Talking about women doing it is standard practice of course.

Because of this, there isn't really a standard for men on what, or how, to… mow the lawn. Now… I've only been with the hot wife, so I don't know this for fact, but I'm pretty sure it is standard practice for women to, either shave everything, or shave everything except a small portion between the lower stomach and the… nether region. At least I hope this is standard practice, because any more hair than that is just gross.

I'm comfortable with my sexuality, so I have no problem saying that I think men should mow the lawn. Fully. I know… it sucks, and there is a serious risk of irreparable damage. But this isn't the 70s anymore. Mouth to nether-region contact is in style these days, thanks in large part to our former President, and it ain't cool to have that stuff getting in the way.

There fellas… now we have a standard. Mow. The. Lawn.

peace nick