Sorry I'm late...

I'm a little late here, but this is a post from the archives... Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Shalom, whatever you celebrate, keep celebrating it.

Again, this is from last year...
**********

After we got home from eating some kick ass hibachi last night, we frosted some cookies. Well, the hot wife frosted some cookies, I just screwed around and played Christmas music. But I figured, since I didn't get Christmas cards out to any of you, that I would do a play instead. It's a silent play, kind of like Silent Night, but a play... and better.

I call it.... uh... You a Big Fine Cookie, Why Don't You Back That Ass Up. No...no... wait, um, Blue Balls. Nah, that's stupid... Ah, screw it, on with the play...














































I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope you have a safe and wonderful Holidays. May your balls be red and sparkly, not blue...

peace nick

The return of Reverend Bible Thumper

Everyone seems to have the religious posts dusted off and posted today, so I think I will follow suit. I like to discuss religion, because while I am fascinated with the historical aspects of religious texts, and things like the Holy Grail, the Arc of the Covenant, the Vatican, the Knights Templar... I don't believe in a God. I don't believe in a heaven or hell. It's hard for some people to grasp that. I'm sure many are even offended by it, but as you all know, I've rarely avoided the chance to offend.

I was not raised with any religious beliefs whatsoever. We occasionally went to church before I was about five years old, you know, on the typical church holidays like Christmas, Easter... yadda yadda yadda. But I never went to church camp or Sunday school or anything like that. My family never prayed. Heathens were we.

But I think I really came to my true beliefs about God when I was a sophmore in high school. In a World History class we were discussing wars and all the religious reasons that wars occur. And then my teacher uttered something that made so much sense, and it has become the whole basis for my non-belief. He said:

"More people have died in the name of God, than for any other reason."

To this day, it can't possibly make any more sense. And maybe it's not even entirely true, as it's hard to associate religion with some major incidents in this world. For example, when Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge communists slaughtered millions in Cambodia, that wasn't because of religion. The World Wars were not exactly about religion, although indirectly there were some ties.

But let's imagine we woke up tomorrow and there was no religion. No Gods. What would the Middle East look like? Iraq? Iran? Lebanon? What about Africa? Or Afghanistan? What about Northern Ireland?

My point is, if you look at a lot of the major conflicts in the world today, or in centuries past, there is a religious aspect to them. Mostly one belief in God fighting another belief in God to show that their belief in God is the right belief in God. If there is no God or religion, do some of these conflicts not happen?

Would you abandon God if it meant conflicts based on religious beliefs would disappear?

Nick

Yay BK

Ben Kwellers song Penny on the Train Track makes Rolling Stone's top 100, at #65. Awesome! I think that just reaffirms my good taste in music, and also reaffirms why you should check back for more good picks from me...

You can read what I thought about Ben here. And then you can go to his website here and see for yourself why he rocks.

Nick

I am Father, hear me roar...

We need to do something different around here, so I am going to post more. The truth is, if I get any less interest in this blog, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown and this time of year, dammit, that would not be a good thing. I have lots of time off coming up, and you don't want me drinking all day do you?

Anyways, I got this email the other day from a new online magazine type deal called The Father Life. How did I get this email you may ask? Well, in their "start-up research", I was identified as a father who would possibly be interested in this magazine. Shocked you are too? I've never been identified as anything of importance. Although I was once identified as the state contact for people wanting to give up their Rottweilers... that was tons of fun.

But to be identified, maybe because of this blog, as a father interested in things other, likely funnier and more interesting, fathers are interested in?

You know what I fucking hate? Blog awards. I hate awards basically in general. Mainly because I never win, but not only that, I don't even exist according to most stupid awards. Nope, never been nominated for a stupid blog award, even in the stupid, worthless blog category. But HA! I have been identified as a father in start-up research, and dammit that is something.

Did you guys know that I "applied" to become a writer for a some stupid community blog? No, because I don't think I told anyone, because I knew they wouldn't even email me back. And they didn't. They apparently weren't impressed with the posts on goofy art and unknown musicians. And perhaps you aren't either, but rather return out of the weird internet-induced obligation that haunts bloggers. We've discussed this before.

Oh well, I still have you guys (obligated or otherwise) and a pretty uninteresting blog with ever-decreasing traffic and besides from being identified in start-up research for an online magazine for and about Fathers, I got a promotion yesterday. I guess things are looking up...

Nick

Patent of the week

Google has a cool new search for patents that I'm hopelessly addicted to. You can find patents for some of the strangest things. As I come across some, I will try to share if I feel that they would be entertaining to the masses.

This one I think most of us who have boys can appreciate. This one is a piss barrier that prevents one from being pissed on while changing a infant boy's diaper. From the abstract:

The people and things in the vicinity of an undiapered baby are protected from being urinated upon by a device which has an open resilient foam band, which is "C" or horseshoe shaped.

If you have a baby boy, you are getting pissed on. It's not a matter of if, but when, and then how often before you get smart and take the necessary precautions... like... changingthediaperreallysuperduperfast... or the change and pray method, for when you're too tired to prevent being pissed on.

I'm not sure how the piss preventer would work really. But it's nice to think that someone who was sick of getting pissed on had the cognitive capacity to come up a solution. Most of us probably just hold the hand out and accept the pissing as a normal part of being a parent to a boy. Not this person though. Not this person. No longer will they be pissed on ladies and gentlemen... no longer.

You go anti-pisser person... it's your birthday... go on...

Nick

How you doin'?

dawn asked how the hot wife is handling motherhood. For whatever reason, the hot wife has not blogged since the Braeden was born. I don't blame her. She's been very busy. Blogging regularly is a tough thing to do, especially this time of year. Besides no one having time to write, it appears few have time to read and/or comment. So I guess it is up to me to update everyone on how she is doing. Like I mentioned, the hot wife is very busy. Between work, Braeden and regularly, uh... "spending time" with me, there hasn't been much time for anything else. But I have never seen her happier. She absolutely loves being a mother, and her and Braeden are awesome together.

The hot wife is one of those special people who can juggle work, a family and all the things that go with running a house, and never ever complain. She may not be the best poker player (she can never remember what the hands are), but in everything else she does, I'm always amazed at her ability to get everything done and still be in a great mood.

Maybe it's just the time of year, and everyone is in a pretty good mood anyways. I know I am. I don't know what it is about this year, but I feel more festive than usual. I feel happy, healthy, and like I accomplished something this year. Obviously having a baby is an accomplishment, at least I think it is. But as far as a family goes, things couldn't be better at the hot wife and hot husband household. And hey, we might even get our Festivus cards out on time this year, which would be a first...

Oh, and I almost forgot, I applied and got accepted to the University of Wisconsin at Stout, so I'm pretty excited about that. 10 years, 3 different colleges, 1 degree... college is the life, let me tell ya... And, they let me play in the college poker tournaments online, which is kind of nice. Although I've yet to win anything...

Nick

Art of the week...

According to designboom, Xiong Wen Yun's rainbow project was created between 1998 and 2001 and uses simple color to highlight a culture where "art and color remain alien concepts." On a route between Bejing and the Tibetan plateau, Yun captures around 20 scenes, never seen before, probably never seen again. Pretty remarkable photographs, even for the non-art savvy.

Credit Galleria dell'Arco and designboom

Nick

Hear me, know me...

I think one of the best things about blogging is when you can take what others have said and piggy back on it. Effectively, steal someone else's ideas and use them to create your own post, or ideas if you will. I love doing that. Sometimes that is the only inspiration I have to blog, what others write. I simply sit down, read a few blogs and poof! Ideas come forth, and I spew them all over the blog for you to read. I would love to do that today, but really, I'm tired. And uninspired for the most part. But, don't get me wrong, it's not your faults, you all have great posts which I could use to create some steamy, well written, infinitely wise commentary. And, as you're all aware, my posts are all but that typically.

So, since I'm lazy, and you're not... I want to give credit where credit really is due. Below are the posts I have enjoyed reading, and would love to take up... if I weren't so damn lazy...

Relaxed Alert has a good one on one of my favorite topics... Christmas. Or, non-Christmas... or... Just go read it, and join in the festivities that is discussing what people should not discuss with others... religion. I'm just kidding, I love discussing religion. Mainly because I have thoughts which most are offended by, and I love to offend.

Dawn comes up with some other good posts on... religion (and culture) and race. Unfortunately I'm forbidden from linking to her, so too bad for you. She does have one good line I like:

"She said that 'the western world does not understand these people [Pakistanis/Muslims], this religion, and the culture and that if we don't understand it, it will eventually kill us!'"

Oh wouldn't you like to be in on that conversation?! It's good stuff. Trust me.

Lindsay has a good post on what animals think about the Holidays and the preparations involved in all the brewha that goes along with them. Remember kiddies, animals do not think like humans. Silly pets...

Ah, where would we be without a good post on corporate America from Lawryde... I will say this, ain't no way in hell I'm getting a six percent raise this year... I only have the pricks at the Federal Reserve to thank for that. Yeah, let's make interest rates a little fuckin' higher and see if we can't knock down the housing market a tad bit more! I don't really believe that, but it was fun to say... Guys, corporate America is a soul sucking son of a horror. Stay away, and you will live a much happier life...

And finally, I don't typically link to Dooce (because everyone else and their momma already does), but she has a good post up documenting tons of hate mail from the animal rights whackos. I miss both hate mail and animals rights whackos. I use to get a lot more hate mail when this blog was more political, but I've taken a noticeably more neutral stance as of late. I just don't have the energy to argue my political points anymore. Read - the liberals have sucked the life from me and I can no longer fight back... hahaha.... HAHAHAHAHA... Doesn't the word liberal just have such a negative connotation? Good. It should... wussys.

That's really it. Have fun reading everyone else's blog and we'll see you back here next week. Oh, and wish me luck for the poker tournament this weekend to benefit Juvenile Diabetes. It's a shitty thing, and I'm glad to help kick it's ass. Eh, who am I kidding... I just want to play some poker...

Nick

Braeden, one month

Lindsay asked for pics, so here we go...




And this one is a bit older, but by far my favorite :)



Nick

Art of the week

Since having a child, I can appreciate this. It doesn't show it well in the picture, but the seat can move up and down to whatever height is comfortable or desired. And for young bucks like mine, folds down into a bed nicely, which no stroller I have seen does.

For some strange reason Braeden prefers sleeping in the slightly inclined position. For the first week or so he almost exclusively slept in his car seat. Perhaps we've ruined him... Oh well, he has a recliner in his room, if he doesn't like his flat bed, it's all his...

This stroller still doesn't beat the Jeep stroller with speakers that you can plug your MP3 player into, but it's still a pretty cool idea.

Plus their website gets a big fat F- for not including PRICES!!! I can't begin to explain how much I hate websites for cool products that refuse to put prices up. It tells me one thing... it's prohibitively expensive, and I don't like to be told that.

Hat tip designverb and thecoolhunter.

Nick

I'm still learning

Either this Sunday or next Tuesday, depending on your interpretation of the modern day calendar, the hot wife and I will have survived one whole month of parenthood. A whole month! And being the newbie parents we are, we have learned a lot. More specifically, having never even changed a diaper my whole life, I have learned more in the past month than I have probably my whole life... Not really, but I wasn't really sure how to better phrase the last sentence. Play along.

So, let's have some fun and let's do a Top 10 things learned by a newbie parent.

1. Hot (diaper on) to cold (diaper off) = pee
2. When you're burping a baby and he tries to eat your ear, he's still hungry
3. Make cold meals that can be eaten with one hand
4. Your voice changes when talking to a baby, don't try to fight it
5. Rottweilers don't eat babies. Even when they cry.
6. At three diapers per 10 minutes, you can never have enough
7. Even newborn clothes don't fit a baby
8. Don't be late to Grandma's without a good excuse
9. You only need about 3 hours of sleep to function
10. Not having sex is much harder than not sleeping

I'm still learning...

Nick

Art of the week

I love my dogs as much as the next dog lover, and I love wine. But do I love both of them together? Probably not...

This is a wine glass set for dogs. From Alice Wang.

Bone appetite!

Nick

WEEEEEEE!!!!!

It's difficult for me to put into words just how badly I want to do this! Turn your speakers up and watch.

Courtesy of some TV company...

Nick

What kind of person...

One of the things necessary to be a really good poker player is the ability to "read" people. Observe their actions, facial movements, breathing, yadda yadda yadda. Luckily for me, I have mastered the art of reading people. You don't think I know what you are all thinking as you read this, but I do. Oh, I do. Bastards...

One of the easiest ways to read someone is something we do all the time, without even realizing the endless opportunities. Simply walk past them. See, people give away lots of signs as they walk past another person, and one can use these signs to learn everything they need to know about that person. Observe.

One group of people will not even acknowledge another as they walk past. These are stuck up ass monkeys. Usually mean old ladies. The Hillary Clinton type. What kind of person doesn't even acknowledge someone as they walk past? Are you too damn good for us? Look at me dammit!!!!

Some people, just as bad in my opinion, will talk on their cell phone as they walk past. Or worse yet, just look at it, as if searching thru the endless menus trying to figure out why the last missed call doesn't show up in the missed calls menu. I don't live in a big enough city for people to be looking at their blackberries, but watch out for these as well. Either way, what you can tell about these people is they have no social skills. They don't know how to be a stuck up ass hat, but they don't quite know how to socialize with others either. Instead they bury themselves in modern day technology. These are also people who date online and email instead of call when they sit right fricken next to you at work. I'm sitting right here dammit!! F$%&!

A peculiar group are those who just give the look/smile. An acknowledgement of your existence, but leaves you wondering... Are they smiling because I look funny? Is my hair messed up? My zipper down? Are they deaf? Why didn't they just say hi? Maybe they just had sex and are trying to exert some weird subliminal ESP gloat over me... This is the toughest group to read.

Moving up from the look/smile is the look/nod. Typically performed by men, this can also be done from a distance. Generally translates to "s'up?" This is as good as it gets for some.

Then there is the quite "hi" or the silent/mouthed "hi". These people are generally lacking in self-confidence. Perhaps victims of abusive relationships.

The fake "hi". When someone winces, or turns their head and says "hi", it's fake. They don't want to appear like a stuck up ass donkey, but deep down they are. Avoid these people. Typically executives and other rich types. Jack asses.

The normal "hi". Generally accompanied by eye contact and a warm smile. While dwindling in popularity the normal "hi" indicates the person is normal and means well. These are typically family-oriented, younger people. Perhaps lower-middle class. Probably drive VWs and have young children.

The over-exhuberant "hi". See fake "hi". Could also be stuck up ass monkeys trying to exert weird subliminal ESP gloat. A potentially lethal combination.

It's really not hard to read people using these brilliantly thought out criterion. Give it a try and let me know how it works out for you. And remember, stay away from the non-acknowledging ass crappers.

Nick

Liquid cocaine

Ya know, sometimes I think this world is pretty messed up. But then I come across things like this. Click the link and take a gander at some pics of the Red Bull headquarters in London, designed by a company called Jump Studios.

For heaven's sakes, they have a slide! In the office!

This of course would never fly in the States here, because, with all the non-sliding-capable population, and you know... ADA compliancy, and well... let's face it, we're just not as cool as the rest of the world.

By the way, I do have a conflict of interest, and I always believe in identifying those upfront. I love Red Bull.... swimming in Jagermeister...

Shoutout Designverb.

Nick

I guess that's life huh?

I guess now that I'm back to work, I should get back to some blogging. It's been a while, so I'll split this post up a bit.

* Everyone's been asking me how having a baby around is. It's fun for the most part. We're getting used to everything like feeding, changing diapers, sleeping, etc... And he's been pretty good, with the exception of being a little fussy every now and again (mostly when I have him...), but that's to be expected. So all in all, things are going well. Still no sex though...

* We've nicknamed Braeden the "Icebox". That's the noise he makes when he's crapping in his diaper. You will now refer to Braeden strictly as the "Icebox". Or "Mr. Icebox" if you're nasty.

* I haven't written about the elections, because I don't know what to think really. While basically nothing I voted for went my way, I can't say I was real excited about what I was voting for in the first place. Our government isn't going to do anything I care about regardless of who is in power, so I guess I can't say I care a whole lot either way. I'm a fiscal conservative and a social liberal and our government is just not set up to cater to people like me. They'll continue to take more of our money, spend more of our money and seek to run our lives from conception to death. I wonder what the job market in Holland is like...

* I lost again in fantasy football this week. The Gods have not been good to me this year.

* With Icebox around, I've only been able to play smidgens of poker lately. My guess is that will continue for the most part until he is self sufficient. When does that happen? 10 years old? 12? I guess it's probably a good thing, because I have a tendency to become extremely addicted to things I find I like, and it's not good to neglect family, and real life and things like that to play poker. But it's hard to find something you really like to do, and then not be able to do it very much. I guess that's life huh?

* I'm so looking forward to Christmas this year. It's always a fun time of year, spending time with family and the like, but it seems like it will be so much funner (I love that word) with a baby, or kid, or what have you. See, I do have a softer side to me... I love babies, I admit, all their cuteness and cuddlie... uh... ness.... The best part about this year is, we don't have to buy Braeden anything. He won't know the difference, and I'm sure he will get plenty of the Spoil Squad Grandmothers...

* I wish my dad could have been there to see me become a dad. And likewise for the hot wife's dad. Sure, our mother's have gone on and remarried, but it's not the same. Yeah, I'll survive and all, but there is guidance from a father that you can't really get anywhere else. I know some people will say, well, he's up there watching over ya... Eh, it's a nice thought and all, but not being big on the whole heaven thing, I think I'm pretty much alone on this one. What can ya do...

* It's a pain in the ass to lose weight when people keep bringing food when they visit. Who the hell started this tradition? People, when you visit new parents, bring some cleaning supplies or something. Diapers maybe. Or just money. They don't want your damn lasagna. It's good and all, and it is nice to not have to cook, but if I keep eating like this, no amount of running will save me...

* Alright, that's enough for one day. Bye.

Nick

Ask and you shall receive...

Nick

I'm still very, very tired...

I have a little time to update things while the hot wife gets some much needed sleep and I stand guard over baby Braeden. As far as how things went down, it really started Saturday night around 11pm, when the hot wife began having contractions. At that point they were pretty far apart, about 20 minutes. At 2:30am, she scared the crap out of me by starting the bath, which is the universal sign apparently for I'M IN LABOR!!! I think she knew it was coming, but it wasn't time just yet. At about 4am, she called the doctor and was told to go in to the hospital when the contractions were 5 minutes apart, for about 2 hours. That time came about 6:30ish.

Off to the hospital, Sunday morning about... the time mentioned above. We get there, not knowing if this was the real thing, and wondering if we were going to be sent back home, which probably would have made both of us cry. They checked her over and she was dialated (sp?) to four and fully effaced (sp?). I'm too lazy to pull up Google, so don't mind the spelling.

Anywho, so we stay. They start getting everything ready, we make our phone calls, walk around a bit, the contractions continue... Everything was pretty good until they broke her water. First of all, do they need the big pointy thing??? They pulled this thing out that looked like a blue sword from medieval times. *Note to expecting women - get the drugs BEFORE this point. Because when they break the water, the holy shit contractions begin.

I hate to ruin things, but this is really the only part where we had problems. Besides the intense pain the hot wife was in because of the contractions, Braeden's heartbeat starting getting goofy. It would drop during the contraction, and then spike after. So they didn't know if they could give her any drugs, because they didn't know if she was going to need to do a C-section.

No drugs + really painful contractions + very nervous first time mother = bad. Bad feeling father, bad feeling mother, bad feeling doctor, bad feeling nurses... Just bad.

It was hard to watch really. Poor hot wife was in a lot of pain, and all anyone could do is stand around. You can't possibly make a woman in this condition comfortable. How people do this completely natural is beyond me.

Eventually things stabilized enough to give her some drugs to take the edge off, and then they gave her an epidural (sp?). Much, much better. She was smiling, she could lay somewhat comfortably... bottom line, drugs rule. Take the drugs. Early and often if possible.

So, I would say around noonish, she started pushing, and at 1:09pm, a very purple baby boy emerged. 7lbs 6oz, and 21 inches long with some of the longest fingernails and the biggest testicles I have ever seen. Kind of like his dad I guess... you know, the fingernails and all... I guess because he was a bit early the testicles are big because of horomones in the mother's body? I think he's just going to be hung like a horse personally, but that's my own biased opinion... Nature over nurture.

I guess that's really about it. So far he has been really good, besides for not wanting to sleep at all last night, hence the hot wife sleeping now. He was voted best behaved when they took his pictures and did all the stuff they do, and get this, he slept thru the circumcision! I told you he has big balls... of steel. And he poops on them with pride, let me tell ya...

Now it's really all about sleeping and eating. Not for us, but for him. He seems to do really well in both categories. And yes, Concerned Mother's of America, he is breastfeeding :) Hot wife decided to forego the sentence of life in prison, and give the breastfeeding a shot. So far so good.

Except for that I am still very, very tired. And no sex yet.

Nick

Art of the, well... lifetime...

I figured with a baby coming, I should probably get a head start on Christmas shopping for this year. So I asked the hot wife what she would like this year. Of course, she wants what every woman wants this year for Christmas...

The Orgasmatron 3000





Guys, you can pick yours up from Dominic Wilcox's website (no pun intended).

Nick

I'm not breaking up with you... yet...

* I know it's been quite some time since I posted. Don't think that I don't know. It's not because I've been busy either. I haven't. It's just that, well, I don't like this blog anymore. Or rather, I don't like blogging in general anymore. I don't know why my attitude towards blogging is so negative lately. Maybe it's because I haven't had anything exciting happen to me lately worth telling anyone about, or maybe because my traffic consists of the same three people who likely only come here out of some weird internet induced obligation, or maybe because... oh, what good does it do...

* I did have a post last week asking for help raising money for Juvenile Diabetes. I'm hoping to play one or more poker tournaments where the money is all for Juvenile Diabetes, except that there is a chance to go to some bigger tournaments where I could get rich if I win. I doubt any of you would care to donate or help publicize it, so I took the post down after like five minutes. Plus I hate asking for money. I know, playing poker for charity, don't go too crazy helping the needy...

* Can't you just feel the negativity? Don't worry, I'm happy with everything else in my life. It's only this blog that brings me down.

* Speaking of being happy with everything else, I know some of you are following our quest to procreate. Maybe all three of you are, I don't know. But should you care, it could be any day or even minute. The doctor said last Thursday he could very well come before this Thursday. Which of course, being the incredibly impatient couple we are, piqued our hopes for this weekend, but alas, t'was not meant to be. The hot wife is hoping for a Halloween birth, because, how cool would those birthday parties be? My money is still on 11/4, although I really like the official due date of 11/11. If he comes early, any date is fine with me.

* Speaking of halloween, trick or treating sucked this year. Besides for my nephews plundering all of our costumes last minute, we had a total of about five kids come by the house. And two of them weren't even dressed up as anything. I think mostly because we live in the "non-affluent" part of town. Most kids, being smart these days, and carted around by their lazy ass parents in cars, head to the more "affluent" parts of Anytown, Wisconsin. Now we're stuck with all the shitty candy, being that we ate all the good stuff pre-Halloween.

* We went to a reception this weekend and in speaking with someone from out of town, she went on and on about how the development that she lived in was such an "affluent" area. Beautiful, just beautiful, with golf courses, and gracious living, and wonderful landscaping. It took everything for me not to mention how we live in such a "non-affluent" area, or so according to our local newspaper. A place where kids won't even go trick or treating. Where outside of our yard, we can't guarantee you won't be stabbed, or if you buy a pound of weed, you better pay for it, or expect to be robbed at gun point... And our recent attempt at landscaping only two thirds survived. That's how bad it is where we live.

* I think if anything, I'm ready to have this baby so people stop telling me how it's going to be. "Oh, you're not going to get any sleep" or "Your life is going to change" and "blah blah blah". Do people revel in telling other people how miserable their life is going to be when they have kids? Does it make them feel better? "Really? My life will never be the same, I can forget about sleeping and sex, and eating, and all my clothes will have puke on them and my walls will be covered with crayon and snot, and my kid's going to wake up in the middle of the night and barf all over the new carpet some day? Please tell me more!!!"

* And then they always say, "Oh, but kids are so wonderful and cute and they just make you laugh and smile and all you want to do is hug them and hold them". And to myself I just wish he was already here so I could hold him up by the ear and say, "Really? This one must be fuckin' defective then..."

Nick

Do you know the real me? I mean, do you?

Maybe it's because I'm not cliquey enough, or just because despite reading my blog, no one likes me. But I never get tagged for those meme things. And there has always been one question I would have liked to answer, but have never gotten the chance. There was a meme floating around some time ago that asked if you thought your readers had an accurate depiction of the real you, based from your blog.

Since I never got that one thrown my way, I will answer it on my own. Because I'm independent like that... I don't need you people telling me what to do. Well, the answer is no. I don't think you guys know the real me based from my blog.

A lot of people I read are great writers. From childhood, they've aspired to be writers, and it shows. I've never been that person. While I think it would be cool to be a writer, I just don't have it in me. I'm a shitty writer. Boo hoo. And I think that leads to people having a distorted view of who I really am. And then they think I'm crass, I want to beat my kids, I'm a dead nuts Fox News watching conservative, womanizing, drunk and druggie.

True, I may be some of those things, but not in the way you might think from reading my blog. For instance, I'm only a womanizer when I'm drunk. And I'm only a drunk when the hot wife lets me out for a couple of hours to play poker with my friends. And there are no women when we play poker... which is why she lets me go. She's awesome like that. Hi honey!

I wish I was a better writer. But after 2 years of writing in a blog, I have to come to the realization that I'm just not someone who can draw in the huge crowds and become famous, and then make a middle to upper class living on Gooooooogle ads.

But just because I'm a shitty writer, doesn't mean you all need to have the distorted view of me that you obviously do. Or you wouldn't say things like "I hope you jump off a bridge and your parachute doesn't open." Not that anyone has said that to me, but if you knew me, you would know there's no way I would parachute off anything unless I absolutely had to. I'm afraid of anything over 10 feet in the air, remember?

Maybe some time we could have a question and answer period, and you could all ask me questions about me, like, "what's your favorite poker hand?" (A8) or maybe, "how did your wife possibly fall in love with a jackass like you?", (drugs), then I could have the opportunity to set the record straight. Maybe. Or maybe my shitty writing style would just make the problem worse.

I should probably just stick to super-imposing myself in pictures of large sorority girls on the beach huh?

"what's super-impose?"

$5 for anyone who guesses correctly where that quote comes from.

Nick

Art of the week

WOW! Wait... don't you think your hands would get cold?

Even if, these are just awesome. Get your own from Lego... if you live in another country...

Nick

Just because your kid's a pussy...

This past summer I went to watch my nephew's baseball game. He was playing our friend's boy's team and we sat together in the stands. Somewhat through the game, as one team was being thoroughly humiliated, I looked over to their bench. The only two watching the game were the coaches. The kids we jumping on the benches, hanging from the rafters of the dugout, running around, doing anything but paying attention to what was going on and learning from the ass whooping their team was getting. I commented to my friend, who has coached in different sports, that it was disgusting to watch. I said I would not only not put up with it, the kids would be running laps until the bottoms of their shoes wore out if they acted like that on my team. Discipline, I said, was the key to learning. It's something I believe in strongly.

"You can’t discipline someone else's kids, they'd make sure you never coach again. We don't even keep score anymore, because some kids can be 'hurt' if the lose."

I thought about that. It couldn't possibly be true. Are we so afraid of hurting our kid's feelings, that we can't even tell them that they lost the game? That they were not as good as the other team?

"It's ok honey, you did your best, we'll go get some ice cream, and you can go home and watch cartoons."

What are you going to tell me next, we aren't going to let kids play tag, for fear they will get hurt? That's exactly what you would tell me. Because it's true.

"Officials at an elementary school south of Boston have banned kids from playing tag, touch football and any other unsupervised chase game during recess for fear they'll get hurt and hold the school liable."

"Recess is 'a time when accidents can happen,' said Willett Elementary School Principal Gaylene Heppe, who approved the ban."

Can you just imagine this old hag? If I was a parent, and my kid went to this school, I would punch this bitch right in the face.

"Elementary schools in Cheyenne, Wyo., and Spokane, Wash., also recently banned tag during recess. A suburban Charleston, S.C., school outlawed all unsupervised contact sports."

"Another Willett parent, Celeste D'Elia, said her son feels safer because of the rule. 'I've witnessed enough near collisions,' she said."

Good lord. This is the world our kids are supposed to grow up in? Not only can we not discipline them or let them know their team sucks ass, because we might hurt their feelings... We can't let them fucking play tag, because there might be a near collision?

How? How did we possibly come to this point. We're talking about parents who grew up in the 70s and 80s for the most part. How the hell did we live in that era and become such ninnies with our kids? When I went to school we played on gravel. And there were chain link fences that kids would get caught in. And we played TACKLE FUCKING FOOTBALL! And smear the queer. Now they can't even play TAG???? Touch football is too dangerous??!?!?

I'm not fit to be a parent. I'm just not. Can you just imagine the looks I will get when my fucking kid is the only one NOT wearing a helmet when he's riding his bike? I'm going to be crucified by these people. How dare I put my child in such danger!

I vow the following, crucify at will:

To not make my kid wear a helmet, unless he's playing hockey.
To smack my kid upside the head when he's being an asshole.
To not let my kid watch cartoons past five years old.
To tell him his team lost when they lose.

Somewhere in the last 20 years we became a bunch of pussies. I'm almost ashamed that I would bring someone into the world where they have to deal with people like Principal Gaylene Heppe or parent Celeste D'Elia.

"Recess is a time when accidents can happen."

If I ever say something so stupid, just kill me on the spot.

Nick

So close, yet so far away...

The hot wife and I have been talking lately about how nervous we are about the upcoming birth of our child. I won't lie, I'm nervous. Big time. But I have no doubt that the hot wife will do such a great job. She will easily show up the most experienced child bearers.

In fact, you all have no idea how amazing this woman has been throughout the whole pregnancy. As a man and husband, I really couldn't ask for anything else. She hardly ever complains, and when she does, it's about minor stuff like her feet are sore, or her back hurts.

I had a flu shot today, and easily complained more than she has through nine months of pregnancy.

She never has an unreasonable request.

She still allows me freedom, even though I probably don't deserve it.

She has become very educated about the pregnancy, child birth and parenting.

She's hot as hell.

Crazy hotness this woman is. Crazy. Hot. Ness.

Nick

Arto of the Weeko

Wow. I don't have an Ipod anymore, because mine was a piece of shit and the battery went to shit, but if I did, this would be mine.

I even have this exact Sony model walkman.

Cool. http://www.retropod.com/

By the way, you can't buy them. Apparently Sony was not too enthused with the idea. Bummer.

Nick

I'm just making sure you know...

* I stayed home sick yesterday. It was great to have a day to myself. But here's a little tip, should you decide to follow my lead. Don't go back to work. Ever. Because everything you've worked on for the last two years will be fucked up, in one day.

* That's the first time I've written out fucked. We are ending the censorship, starting with this post.

* Do you ever have one of those days that starts out really bad, like, say, everything you've worked on for two years is crashing on you. And you were out yesterday, so it just piled up for you? But then as the day goes on, you start to put out the fires, and it gets a little better? Me neither. Just kidding, it's getting better, slowly.

* Well, I was in my first poker tournament with real people this past weekend. I took fifth out of 30 people. I made the final table though, which is better than I could have hoped for, and considering the crappy ass cards I got all night, was pretty damn good, I think. Put it this way, if it was a tournament to see how many king/3s you could have dealt to you, I wouldn't have been able to see over my chip stack. Put it another way, I went out with 8/9 suited. That was probably my fourth best hand all night, and I still beat 24 other people.

Another good thing about that, I went with two buddies. We all made the final table, and one of my buddies won. Over $500. Not bad for a $25 buy-in. So first, fifth and sixth went to us. Not bad for a couple of city schmucks with a combined about five tournaments under our belt.

* I also gained entry into a tournament online with a $100,000 prize. I'm just making sure you know, because I've been known to not tell people about this... Actually, apparently the other day I was so excited, I told the hot wife about it on several different occasions.

* I also once had Hulk Hogan's autograph, but I lost it. I'm just making sure you know.

* I've always been pretty adamant about not getting a flu shot. I've never had one. But now I guess with a baby, it probably wouldn't be such a bad idea. I wouldn't say that I'm disappointed this kid is causing me to neglect my core values... let's just say it's not going unnoticed. By the way, you won't be my friend by emailing me and telling me what a moron I am for even considering not getting a flu shot. So think about it.

* I had something else, but I got side tracked and now lunch is over.

Nick

Art of the week

Sometimes you smack yourself and wonder, "why didn't I think of that?"

This simple little thing from the London Design Show.

Photo credit - Design Engine

Nick

Undermine this you bitch...

"Gambling is a serious addiction that undermines the family, dashes dreams, and frays the fabric of society."

So says Bill f$*& head Frist in regards to using a Port Security bill to pass a ban on funding online gaming accounts. Because dammit, Bill Frist and the rest of his jackass politician buddies, who make more than you and I combined for doing just about nothing, know exactly how you and I should spend our money. And heaven forbid we spend it on something that undermines the family. Dashes dreams. Frays the fabric of the almighty American society. As opposed to sending high school interns emails telling them to strip down to nothing and take pictures, which apparently does none of those things that gambling online does.

Frays the fabric of society people! Incidentally, betting on horse races does not undermine the family, dash dreams, nor fray the fabric of society... One wonders, do the politicians in our great capital have horse fetishes? First they ban the slaughter of horses for food, and then they explicitly allow horses to be forced to run around in circles for the amusement and, gasp, GAMBLING of spectators?

Honestly, is online gambling that much worse than the other sins that are swept under the rug and/or completely legal in this country? Do not other activities fray the fabric of society? I think so. Let's indulge in a top 10 of things that fray the fabric of society, shall we?

1. Guns. Duh... Have you read the news lately? Sure, some will say, guns don't kill people, people kill people. I agree.

2. People. With guns. Who are not all there. See #1.

3. Cell phones. Does not speaking on a cell phone while waiting in a drive-thru line fray the fabric of society? It sure as hell frays the fabric of my sanity. Or what about those cyborg ear pieces people wear now, walking around, talking to themselves. Does your ARM NOT EXTEND TO YOUR EAR, ROBOT?!?!?!

Moving. On.

4. United States Rep. Mark Foley, whom recently resigned after it was discovered (last year) he sent "overly friendly" emails to high school pages working for the government. "Sure, we knew he was sending overly friendly emails to high school boys, but where's the harm in that? Online poker, not pedophilia, is the real dream dasher in this country!"

5. Chuck Norris. Trust me, when Chuck Norris round house kicks you to the face, your dreams will be dashed.

6. Walmart. All their cheap prices... and and... employees... and and... infrastructure requirements... and and... anti-union activities... Clearly undermining the family.

7. The Catholic Church. Another group of people, besides Congress, with a strange liking for underage boys. You know, the Catholic Church and Congress actually have quite a bit in common. They both have way too much money, they're all pompous assholes who are accountable to no one, and they are not safe in the presence of young boys. Hmm. Weird.

8. Al Qaeda. 'Member those guys? Pretty sure they still want to either convert us to radical Islam or kill us. Hmmm.. Should we go after Al Qaeda or the average Joe playing a little poker in his living room after working all day... Tough call.

9. Wife Swap. Is this not the definition of undermining the family???

10. Guys who wear pink shirts. This doesn't really undermine the family, dash dreams or fray the fabric of society, but that doesn't mean it's a good thing to do.

So, see, there are things far worse than online gambling that we should be focused on as a society. If you agree, and I trust you do, vote Libertarian on November 7th. Send the Republicans and Democrats a message that we hate them and all they stand for, and we just want to play some cards online. K? Can you do that for me? Great, I knew I loved you all for a reason...

Nick

I can be serious sometimes...

I realized something today. I was reading over the front page of my blog, and ya know, there really is no serious subject matter to speak of. I love it. Anyways, it's been some time since I've told ya'll a bit about myself. I think I'll do the 100 things again. The last time I did it was July of last year, and some things have changed.

Here goes:

1. I married my high school sweetheart
2. I was a virgin until we met (yes, I've only slept with one person)
3. I met her thru her friend, who was my childhood crush
4. And my friend, who was hers
5. I tried crack when I was 13
6. I started smoking when I was 13
7. I quit 9 years later, and haven't smoked since
8. I sold LSD in my high school biology class
9. And did LSD more than I care to admit
10. I've done cocaine, mushrooms and marijuana as well
11. I've never tried heroine or ecstasy
12. I've been bit by a Rottweiler, twice
13. I used to train protection dogs
14. In 8 years, we've had 10 Rottweilers, some were foster dogs
15. I was on the board for a dog rescue for 6 years
16. In that time I quit 3 times
17. Now that I'm retired from dog rescue, I miss it
18. I used to design machines that made adult diapers
19. Now I design bathing products
20. I was on Tom Cruise's personal jet
21. I flew to Tennessee and back in one day, twice
22. I hate flying
23. I'm deathly afraid of heights
24. I'm a poker nut
25. And a trivia nut
26. And a history nut
27. I'm just nuts
28. I have an 80+ strong beer bottle collection, all full
29. I only got 3 points off on my driving test
30. But have caused 2 accidents
31. My dream is to own a business
32. I have an Associates degree in Mechanical Design
33. I was half way thru a Bachelor's in Engineering before the program was cancelled
34. I don't want to be an Engineer
35. My birthday is August 7th
36. I'm 27
37. My dad passed away when I was 24
38. I'd give anything to be 23
39. I have 2 sisters, and 1 adopted brother
40. I used to be in a punk band called Wicked Pete
41. We dropped - and the Beer Drinking Goats - from the name
42. I can play guitar, the bass and a little of the drums
43. I can't sing to save my life
44. I wish I knew how to play the piano
45. And the harmonica
46. I used to be a punk
47. I used to hang out with skinheads
48. Then I realized racism sucks
49. I was once asked to join a gang
50. I played hockey for 9 years
51. I was a cub scout for 2 years
52. I'm supposedly Lutheran
53. I don't believe in a God
54. I don't believe in ghosts
55. I'm claustrophobic, but not afraid of the dark
56. I think horror movies are dumb
57. I can't dance
58. My favorite movie is Old School
59. My favorite food is a bacon cheeseburger
60. My favorite beer is Blue Moon, with an orange slice
61. The sight of blood makes me sick
62. I have never broken a bone
63. I have lived in Tennessee
64. And Upper Michigan
65. I was born in Wisconsin
66. Because the town we lived in (in Michigan) had no hospital
67. I had 5 wisdom teeth
68. My hair would be grey if I didn't dye it
69. My first job was for $4.60 an hour
70. I've been a pin chaser in a bowling alley
71. I've been a janitor
72. I watched an F5 tornado, start to finish
73. The philosophies of true communism fascinate me
74. I believe anarcho-socialism would be great
75. I voted for Bush, twice
76. I'm not a Republican
77. I'm pro-abortion
78. I don't have any guns, but I do have a battle axe
79. I've only shot a gun once
80. I can't draw
81. I once protested in front of a pet store
82. I was once a show and tell... with my dog
83. I have Wayne Gretzky's autograph
84. I had Hulk Hogan's, but lost it
85. I really don't think washing your hands is stupid
86. This is my second blog
87. I had a third called DILF for a while, but didn't like it
88. I had a fourth called Make Me Pancakes, but didn't like it
89. Two uninvited strangers had sex at our wedding
90. Two weeks later, we had sex at someone else's
91. They're divorced now
92. I've been to 15 states besides Wisconsin
93. I've had sex in 5, besides Wisconsin
94. I've smoked pot in 4
95. I've fished for a wild crocodile in Georgia
96. I once got lost on the way to Iowa, and ended up in O'Hare parking lot
97. I got hustled for $20 in New Orleans
98. I was glad when it flooded
99. I can ride a bike backwards
100. I am, somebody

Nick

Because of pregnant women, we have biological weapons...

I've been thinking. Some men I'm sure probably can't wait for their woman (yes, there is possession there) to not be pregnant because she bitches a lot. Or maybe she is bed ridden and they have to wait on her hand and foot. Or maybe they can't wait to have drunken mad wild on the couch and then in the hallway against the wall and then on stairs from behind and then on the upstairs toilet sex.

I want the hot wife's pregnancy to be over. But not for the reasons mentioned above, although I do miss that kind of sex. Rather, I want it to be over so that when she's sleeping and I'm laying on the bed next to her, facing the other way, playing poker on the laptop... and she rips ass right in my face, I can wake her up and tell her how disgusting she is.

Now I know she is going to be up in a half hour to pee, so I'm forced to let her get as much sleep as possible. Do you people see the pain I am going through?

Nick

We're gonna have a TV Party tonight. Alright!

Well. I had no idea the 80s TV party would catch on like it has. I'll have to attribute that to some well placed advertising. It's been fun reading what others have come up with so far, and I've even found some new blogs to read. Fun.

And so, to my post. Born in 1979, I was a young 80s child, but an 80s child nonetheless. Unfortunately that means I didn't get to grow up with things like cell phones or cool video games or the internet. The internet. Good lord, could you imagine living without the internet? Well, I couldn't imagine living with it as a kid.

Let me tell you something about me as a kid. I grew up with two older sisters. And a neighborhood full of girls. I rarely hung out with boys, most of my friends were girls. Naturally this made me an extremely curious little boy. Up until I was five years old, my hands were pretty much constantly in my pants. They probably would still be, but it's not all that socially acceptable these days. The 80s were different man...

Anyways, without the internet, where a five year old boy can now just log on and get his daily fill of boobies and girls making out and whatever, I was forced to get my ideas and thoughts from tv. In other words, I would watch tv just to see the cute girls, even if the show was awful. And most were. So, my 80s TV Party post is dedicated to the top 10 cute 80s girls that helped keep my hands in pants.

1. Not a well known character, from really one of the truly worst shows ever to be shown on tv, Amy Hathaway who played Shelby in My Two Dads. She was the main characters friend in the show, but that chick was bugly. Shelby on the other hand helped put me to bed many a night.

2. This next girl kept me up at night. As a young boy, she was everything I wanted, and everything I obviously couldn't have. Yeah... Nicole Eggert who played Jaime in Charles in Charge.

3. A favorite I'm sure of most young boys in the 80s. Alyssa Milano who played Samantha in Who's the Boss. I'll show you who's the boss...

4. I always had a thing for slightly older girls as a kid... who didn't? But Punky Brewster was just so cute. And fun too! I think we would have gotten along just great... Soleil Moon Frye who played Punky Brewster in Punky Brewster.

5. This one's a no brainer. If you didn't think Daisy Duke was holy mutha f'ing hot, you were gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that... Catherine Bachman who played Daisy in Dukes of Hazard.

6. Yeah, she was dumb, which even as a kid was a turn off for me. But even Jack Ritter was no dumb ass. He knew what was up. Suzanne Somers who played Chrissy in Three's Company.

7. Another not so well known character, but much hotter than the main female character... Chelsea Noble who played Kate in Growing Pains. Hey, Kirk Cameron apparently thought she was hot enough to marry. What do want from me?

8. I would have had to kill her whole family if we ever got together, but it could have been done. Justine Bateman who played Mallory in Family Ties. She had kind of the older sister appeal going on there.

9. There was a furry little funny thing on this show? Hmm. Weird. Andrea Elson who played Lynn in ALF.

10. The last girl in the top 10 80s girls who helped keep my hands in my pants is not a girl who was my style. She drove motorcycles, beat people up and was actually kind of a bitch. But I don't know... something about her worked for me. Or maybe there was just nothing else on tv... Nancy McKeon who played Jo in The Facts of Life.

There you have it folks. I'll be in the bathroom if you need me...

Nick

When in Rome...

I know, I know. I said a long time ago that I would post the pics of Rome. I've been busy. Anyways, some time ago I was riding in some rich dude's truck, and he was all bragging about going to Italy. What a douche. I've been there, like, thousands of times. I've even lived there while I studied pornographic photography.

I'm just kidding. I've never lived in Italy... although I have studied pornographic photography. Just ask the hot wife. I take some mean porn pics.

So yeah, without further... writing. The pics, the pics!

Of course every trip includes a trip the Coliseum. Or known in Italy as the... Coliseuma. Note to others, they don't serve beer there, so bring your own.

Uh....

I'm not a big fan of boats really, but I am a hopeless romantic. Don't drink the water after having sex on one of these though, people crap in that stuff. In fact, if you look closely, you can see someone crapping in it in the backround. No. Look closer. Closer........ I'm just kidding, no one is crapping in the water. Sucker.

"Is there a bathroom around here somewhere? Bathrooma? .... Hello?"

All this for soccer? Don't even call it football. It's not football. Real men play football, pansies in Europe play soccer.

Well, that's about it really. As you can see, I painted Rome white like no conquering army has in 40,000 years. Yawn.

Nick

And you thought the Iraq war was bad...

I thought there was a reason that I avoid religion like poop covered spinach. Oh, that's right. Because it makes people crazy...

Have fun fighting the holy war.

Nick

I have a secret...

Einstein ain't got shit on us...

Well kiddies, I have to say that I was quite offended this morning. I'm doing the usual browsing this morning as I'm drinking my cappuccino and I come across a meme that Dawn did. And yadda yadda yadda, she slams the hot wife and I, insinuating that the only interesting topic we could possibly talk to someone else about is dogs.

Wait. Is dogs? Are dogs? How does on transition from singular to plural? Ah, I f'ing hated English...

Anywho. I was stunned. The hot wife and I are way more intellectual than that. If you think we couldn’t sit at your dinner table and drop bombs on your ass like Einstein's field equation relating to the space/time contiuum, you better think again. The hot wife will be all like:

"A dimension does not need to be detected to exist. If we had no memory of the interval we label as 'time,' our existence in space/time would still occur."

And then she'll bust into some crazy time travel shit like this:

"If time travel is possible, shouldn't a time machine already exist?

The idea is that once the problems are worked out and a means/mechanism/machine/modus for time transport is devised, said machine should then exist for all time. Putting it another way, if someone calculates the level of improbability of such a machine, feeds this calculation into a computer connected to a nice cup of really hot tea and turns it on, the time machine is simply called into existence (as was the infinite improbability drive in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams). Well, there is a problem with this. We can perceive only X, Y, Z, and T (where T is apparently a linear straight line). Whereas, the time travel means/mechanism/machine/modus would exist at Tx, Ty, Tz, X, Y, Z. We can not directly perceive that machine, just the same as a two-dimensional being cannot directly perceive a three-dimensional object. The machine could already exist."

Having enough of that, I would then be happy to discuss the study of bioethics and how it relates to the moral foundation of a vegetarian diet. Moreover, whether a vegetarian diet really does cause the "least harm" to animals. In fact, I could explain, no it doesn't and that a pasture-forage production, with herbivores harvesting the forage, would cause the "least harm". This would result in the death of approximately (calculating the math easily in my head)... 300 million fewer animals annually than the total vegan model.

Don't try to play the hot wife and I like fools if you ever have us over for dinner. We can rap with the best of ya'll even after we drink all your wine. And then we'll have sex in your bathroom. That's a promise.

Nick

We have truckloads of sex... in my dreams...

* There has been no spoken word about the concert last week because there was no concert last week. Well, there was, but we didn’t make it. I'll just say, something came up. It happens. It's not all that disappointing though because we just seen him this summer, but I realize I talked it up like the second coming, or as if my soon to be born son had just spoken his first words. Which I hope contain "shocker" or "boobies" or something similar. No, not shocker, like - oh my god, Britney and Madonna just totally made out on stage. The other shocker.

* Did you know today is only two months until our due date? It seems like only last weekend we were having truckloads of sex, trying to get pregnant. Wait... maybe that was my dream last night...

* I learned a very important cooking lesson yesterday. Don't use chili peppers. Being the ignorant fool that I am, and the complete moron I am when it comes to cooking, I agreed to use some chili peppers that my friends gave me in our chili yesterday. It's customary to make chili for the first Packer game of the season. Which proved to be the only positive of the sad day. Anyways, so I'm cutting up these chili peppers right? And I don't use gloves, because, well, I'm stupid. And then I'm thinking, holy crap, this stuff is hot. I can feel it burning my face just standing above it, cutting it up. So, I'm done cutting and touching, I toss the pepper into the chili and go to the sink to wash my hands. And then I do the unthinkable, because, well, I'm stupid. I think, hey, my face is hot and burning, I'll splash some cold water on it... with the hands that were just cutting up a chili pepper.

At this point I really felt no mercy for the Crocodile Hunter taking a stingray barb to the heart. I would have thought long and hard about switching places with him. I've never been pepper sprayed before but I would venture a guess that what I experienced yesterday was 8 trillion times worse. I would imagine that they tame those f'ing peppers down a touch before creating the pepper spray concoction. If not, then that shit is cruel and unusual punishment.

* Can you believe that come this Thursday the hot wife and I will have been married four years? I guess that's easier to believe than the fact that come January, we'll have been together for ten. I don't like to toot out own horn, but I would say in the days of mass divorce and infidelity, this is actually pretty impressive.

* Don't waste your time with the movie The Benchwarmers. It's dumb. Unless you have young kids, then it might not be so bad. For them. Of course, if you have kids, you're probably used to watching stupid movies, so maybe it won't be so bad for your either.

* I don't know what is creepier. People who actually do search DILF on the internet, or people who search DILF and then click on my picture. It makes me wonder though, do they look at my pic and then think, "What? Is this guy kidding?" Or do they think, "mmm... yummmy..." I wonder if any of the DILF searchers would be so kind to tell me what they think...

Nick

Mhmm...

Tomorrow is the Mason Jennings concert in Madison WI (no dammit, commas are not required between cities and states anymore! Wake up America!).

Jennifer O'Connor is opening for him. Check her out. You can listen to her latest album on her website, without even downloading anything.

Oh, don't be such a lazy ass. Like you have anything better to do with your pathetic life. Afterall, you're here, aren't you?

Aren't you?

Why are you guys so damn lazy? You won't wish the hot wife a happy birthday, you never check out any of the musicians I post about. Honestly, I'm getting kind of sick of it. You guys are really starting to piss me off.

I have no one to talk to about any of this stuff, and that, my friends, makes me mad.

Now click here -> HERE DUMASS

Oh, and this time I will have pictures to post.

Nick

How much is that doggie in the window? $400.

I got an email from a friend of mine this morning. His co-worker bought a yellow lab because his wife wanted a puppy. At this point I stopped reading, took off my glasses and rubbed my eyes. I could see where the email was going. Just as the sun rises in the east every morning, the email went on... he wants to sell the dog now because, so as it turns out, puppies actually take training, and patience, and well, you know...

"I figured being the dog person you are, you would know a website or something where he could unload the dog quickly. For $400."

I replied - "I have a crate he could borrow. It doesn't take much to train a dog not to crap in the house."

He writes back and says - blah blah blah, they just got married this year, blah blah blah, only dated for a year, blah blah blah, she won't have any of it. The dog must go.

"Oh, well then the problem is not the dog. Tell him to keep the dog. And sell the wife."

One day cavemen are dragging women around by their hair, next thing you know, the women are telling us to get rid of the dog? If this is evolution, sign me up for the whole God thing. So I can curse the bitch. Bitch.

I would like to think this is an isolated incident, but it's not. I have a friend who just got married this past weekend. A few weeks ago, I asked what he was up to that night, and he told me was playing his last poker game.

"Why, because you suck and never win any money?"

"No, I'm sure after the wedding the wife will find a way to put a stop to it."

I stumbled backwards, gasping for air and watched helplessly as his soul, his dignity, his balls, drifted from his body and disappeared in thin air. No... it can't be... not a man's poker night... Bitch.

This? This is the status of mankind as we know it? Reduced to taking orders from our wives like children? Now, don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not advocating the shoe being on the other foot. There are plenty of women who take way too much crap from men as well.

Why? Why do people allow their lives to be run like this? Like they are puppets on a string? Do they lack the self-esteem to look their masters in the eye and say, "F&*% you bitch, I am going to play poker tonight. Mind your own damn business."???

I could see if you're a bum, and you sit around playing vids all day while you're wife is out in the real world supporting your bum ass. Then it's probably best you do bow down and take orders. But if you work an honest job, make an honest living, do your part around the house, how on earth do you let someone control you like this?

The hot wife and I have always joked that we are going to offer marriage counseling to people. I'm starting to think we could actually pull it off and make a decent living, because there are couples out there that need some serious help.

My first piece of advice would be - you are both adults, and you should be able to function in life without the constant supervision and/or nagging of your significant other. If you can't than what you really need is a full time caretaker. There should be a difference.

My second piece of advice would be - when you go to jail, the first thing you do is kick someone's ass. If you don't you're going to end up someone's bitch. That doesn't really apply to relationships very well, but it's good advice nonetheless.

Nick

Happy Birthday!!!!!!

Now go wish her a Happy Birthday!

Nick

Hey, check this out...

Garrison Starr has a few live songs as movies up here. Check them out, and if you like what you see, go to her website, find a show and GO!

Nick

The infamy of Katrina

I think we'll save the Italy pictures for tomorrow or another day. We have bigger and badder ass things to talk about today. Like Hurricane Katrina and New Orleans. Yes, yes, of course, Katrina did screw up other places besides New Orleans, and I'm sure everyone on the southern coast is sick of hearing about New Orleans.

New Orleans, New Orleans, New Orleans (you know, like Marsha, Marsha, Marsha...) (not really).

Well, New Orleans is kind of a special place for us. And maybe for you too. Back in 2003 the hot wife and myself embarked on a journey of all journeys. Journies? No... Anyways, we went thru like 12 states in 10 days. 3,000 miles. In a VW Jetta. The first leg of the trip consisted of a straight thru trip from Wisconsin to Texas to visit my sister. But after we left Texas, on our way to Georgia to visit friends, we stopped in the Big Easy. Or the Big Smelly. Or the Big Holy God Damn F%&* Is It Hot Here. Or the Big Why Does Everyone Look Like They Want To Kill Us?

Whatever you call it, New Orleans was an eye opening experience for us. After we got lost walking around, almost got our hotel room raided, I got hustled for $20, and we almost got mugged on the trolley, we decided New Orleans was definitely not the place for us.

And then Hurricane Katrina came along and decided New Orleans is not really the place for anyone. At which time I used the capital that I had built up with God to request the horrible death of the aforementioned hustler...

I hope you spend your days in hell cleaning the gum off people's shoes. F$&%er.

So, all those horrible things aside, it's been one year since Katrina and the coast is rebuilding. New Orleans is rebuilding. Sort of. And despite the fact that I hate the place with all the life and soul I can donate to the cause, I realize it's an important place for swamp... er, the nation. So, I have decided to upload a few Mason Jennings songs about New Orleans to get people thinking about it. And to spread the word about Mason Jennings, of course.

So if you're crazy enough, and want to support the mass crime and slime that is the southern coast, do your part to help them out. Surely there is something worth supporting down there...

With that...

Jackson Square talk
Jackson Square
My Only Company

Nick

Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, danana...

* We're back in our old home. Hope you join us going forward. If not, then f#$% ya.

* The hot wife and I went to a coming home party for a Reservist just back from Iraq on Saturday. We introduced ourselves and said welcome home, and we all talked about what he did over there, and what his plans are now that he's back, yadda yadda yadda. And then he said something that kind of surprised me. "I don't know what we're doing over there." I thought about that for a while. I don't know either.

* I don't know how anyone plays blackjack and wins. I never f'ing win. My Dad taught me to play when I was young. He was going to Vegas and needed some practice. I f'ing suck at it. I will play with $5 or $10 when I win a poker tournament. I think the key is to know when to step away from the table, because despite the games relative simplicity, it's only a matter of time before you lose all your damn money. Blackjack f'ing sucks.

* I've decided that I will never be a regular runner. I will do good for a couple of days, it feels great, I just start to up my distance and speed... and then I will run and my legs hurt so damn bad I want to shrivel up in a fetal position on the sidewalk and cry. F$%* f'ing running. I'll never be skinny, I'll never be in shape, I hate all of you in shape, running, mother f'ing... Kiss my ass!

* Bet you didn't know that we have camels in Wisconsin, did ya? F'ing camels.

* F%&*

* F'ing F%&*

* Isn't funny how I will never write f%&* on my blog, but any other swear word is fair game? Cock, shit, balls, all fair game. I guess I'm just trying to keep things family friendly. I never know when Braeden my stumble upon this blog. I don't want him running around saying f&%* this f%&* that. It's inappropriate.

* It bugs me when I hear parents say "my kid(s) won't listen to me." Parents in general bug me sometime.

* I have pictures to post tomorrow, so stay tuned. From my trip to Italy.

Nick

The DILF conjecture

I was reading this story today about some douche bag mathematician guy named Grigori Perelman. Perelman was due a prize of one million smackers for proving a conjecture called the Poincaré conjecture. What the Poincaré conjecture states is that if all loops of an enclosed three dimensional space can be reduced to a single point, the three dimensional space is a three dimensional sphere. Or, whatever.

Like who couldn't prove that?

He didn't show up to receive the prize, claiming the the prize was the solution to the problem itself. Or something stupid that only some crazy mathematician nutcase would say. Really what he is saying is that he is above all that material shit like money, and probably food... and sleep, and stuff like that.

People who claim to be above all material things are obnoxious beyond belief. Fine, if you don't want the money, take it and give it to someone needy who isn't a pompous ass monkey. Don't refuse it and leave it to some obviously bloated organization who is willing to shell out a million bucks to someone who can even think of shit like this without getting a headache.

Eh, who cares. You know what I do care about though? Having my very own conjecture. The DILF conjecture. How cool would that be?

Ok, here goes:

The DILF conjecture states that after drinking from 11am one day to 3am the very next day at a bachelor party (this past weekend), simply imagining more drinking will induce vomitting.

Oh wait, I already proved that. Huh... Damn I'm one smart cat.

Nick

Oh Canada!

I know I've mentioned this before, but I always get these emails with job opportunities. At some point in time I got on the contractor mailing list... probably when I was a contractor. I'm not looking for a new job, or to move, but it's always fun to think of what it would be like to take that job and move somewhere else.

The hot wife won't admit it, but she has effectively put the kabash on moving from the holyland boringness that is East Central Wisconsin. She's just way more attached to family than I could ever possibly be. If I was single I'm convinced I would be gone in a heartbeat. I could easily make a nice living travelling from city to city working short contract jobs.

However, I love the hot wife too much to move away from her. So I stay.

But this job I saw today was for Western Canada, and while I've never been out that way, I've heard it's beautiful. And then I thought, hey, there would be a lot of positives to living in Canada. For both us and Canada. Let's break it down.

* Have you ever seen the loser men in Canada? Clearly they are in need of some DILF action. That's where I come in ladies... Or is it laid...ies? Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

* Holy hockey.

* They have much bigger deer. I think they call them Moose.

* Better beer. Moosehead, Labatts... others... which I can't think of right now...

* No longer would we live in the most hated nation in the world.

* Doesn't Edmonton have the biggest mall in the world? (a little somethin' for the hot wife)

* Ya know, they speak the same language eh.

* The $4 in my wallet is worth $4.49 in Canada.

* That much closer to two of my fav bloggers AJ and Selina.

Hmmm...

Nick

Me and Castro, and Castro and me, no matter how you roll the dice...

Nick