Ig Nobel is German for stupid...

I haven't written much lately, I know. Mainly because when I usually write, on my lunch hour at work, I have been researching our family tree. It sounds dumb, but as you may or may not know I'm a history fanatic, and really, what better history than your own? Anyways... I thought since I have a second, I'd pop in. And funny you (actually I) should mention pop (or as us Wisconsinites call it - soda).

I read an article today about something called the Ig Nobels. What is that you ask? It's essentially a stupid prize. You create something stupid, research something stupid... you get an award. Because in this country, for some reason, we insist on recognizing, and in some cases rewarding stupidity.

Well kids, one of the latest winners deserves a big fuckin' prize for stupidity. For researching Coke (the soft drink, you druggies) for it's spermicidal qualities. And discovering that it... are you sitting down? BLOWS UP SPERM!

Yeah, that's right. Some dumbass heard that people were using Coke to apparently not get pregnant, tested it, and BLEW UP SPERM! Sperm. Blew it up. With Coke.

"It definitely wouldn't work as a contraceptive because sperm swims so fast," Deborah Anderson said. But Coke made with sugar quickly kills sperm, she said, probably because sperm soak it up. "The sperm just kind of explode," she said in a telephone interview.

Is that supposed to be funny or something? The sperm just kind of explode?

Here's an idea for some research... let's take the building block of life, mix it some with Coke and BLOW IT THE FUCK UP! Better yet, let's take Deborah Anderson, mix her with some Coke, and blow her the fuck up.

Leave. The. Sperm. Alone.

And damn you Coke. Damn you.

Nick

The sex diet...

Here's an interesting website that I have been playing around with since taking an online health assessment that essentially told me I was a fat pig. In not so many words. Even without signing up, you can browse the nutritional details of just about any food. For example, one of my favorites, the Whopper Jr. from Burger King (responsible for fat pigness) contains way too many fucking calories, way too much fucking fat and, of course, way too much fucking yummy goodness. Actually it contains 410 calories, which is about four times what I should be eating in a given meal.

On the flip side of getting sick seeing how fattening your favorite foods are, you can browse just about every activity you wish you were doing to see how many of those fucking calories you would be burning... if you weren't sitting here reading this blog of course. Which, btw, sitting and reading burns about 100 calories an hour. Or 1/4 of the Whopper Jr.

Now of course the fun part. Well, they don't tell you how many calories you're burning while drinking beer (my guess is it's a lot though), but, they do tell you how many calories you burn while engaging in sexual activity.

According to the wizard who calculates all this crap, passive sexual activity which they specify includes things like light effort kissing and hugging (because who the fuck does that?) burns... are you ready? 83 calories an hour. Which would confirm my theory that no one kisses and hugs for an extended amount of time. Why would you, when sitting and reading burns more calories?

Now we move on to, moderate sexual activity, which I'm not an expert on sexual activity by any means, but I guess would include things like bondage, burning each other with candle wax and swinging (either an actual swing, or another couple... your call). Moderate sexual activity, according to the website, burns 109 calories. Or half a can of coke.

Uh, really? Moderate sexual activity burns the same number of calories as sitting and reading? What the fuck kind of sex are these people having? If you're extending the same amount of energy having sex as you are sitting and reading, maybe you need to rethink your strategy. Like, try moving.

Well, luckily for us that don't play dead when we have sex, they have a category for vigorous sexual activity. Their words, not mine. I guess vigorous sexual activity would include, oh I don't know, farm animals maybe? Sex in a mall bathroom stall? Who knows what the actual definition of vigorous sexual activity may be, but I wouldn't bother with it. It only burns 125 calories an hour. Or half a snickers bar.

Apparently you are better off just going to church and praying that you were having sex, which also burns 125 calories an hour.

So I guess what all this means is that if you've ever heard the excuse "I'm too tired", it's bullshit. You're probably just not all that good with the farm animals. Luckily the lord is though.

Nick

Now who is the Romeo?

After I wrote the last post I actually went to the website mentioned, which I didn't even do prior to the writing the post. I was pretty amazed at what I saw.

Since hot wife is the girl of my dreams, I thought I would put myself in the shoes of the Subway Romeo. And here is what I came up with, as if I had just saw hot wife for the first time, and had to resort to sketching us to track her down.

Come get some hot wife... come get some...

Nick

The Subway Romeo?

Now here’s an interesting story . If we are so led to believe, a New York man spots the girl of his dreams on a subway. Wait, is this the first time you’ve heard of this too? Anyways, before being able to approach her (read: catch and mug her), he loses her in the crowd. Of course. Frustrated at his inability to make this once in a lifetime catch, he goes home and fires up a website (www.nygirlofmydreams.com) devoted to finding her, complete with a sketch, and more than likely some foolishness about not being a complete psycho/stalker/rapist/murderer. Within 48 hours the story catches on with New Yorkers (suckers), phone calls and emails come pouring in, and eventually the woman’s friend spots the picture and passes on the word. They meet, they go out for a few months, they break up, end of story.

Pretty normal stuff right? Dontchya think? Uh, no. You don’t think that. Who thinks that? Who actually believes that this shit happens? I see the girl of my dreams, I start a website devoted to finding her, and then I FUCKING FIND HER? And meet her? And go out with her???

First of all, how does this guy convince this woman he’s not crazy? “Hey, I saw you, on the subway, and then I went home and started a website devoted to tracking you down?” Isn’t that just a tad bit creepy? Maybe sorta just a little? I mean, you hear of guys seeing a good looking woman, they go home and rub one off, and that’s it. Maybe they write a craigslist post about it or something. But to start a website?

Beyond all that, who sees the girl of their dreams? Is the girl of your dreams even a real person? And if she is, what the hell is she doing riding the subway? Most people probably have some idea of what they like in another person, and maybe you actually have an ideal person in your head. But to not only find out that person exists but is on the same subway car as you?

It just seems the whole idea of having a girl of your dreams is misguided. Think about it. What are the chances that the girl of your dreams would ever give you the time of day? If the girl of your dreams was anywhere near your league, she wouldn’t really be the girl of your dreams, but rather, just another girl you’d do if you had the chance. Nothing special about that, and certainly no reason to start a website... unless of course, you’re into randomly starting websites about girls you’d do if you had the chance. Who am I to judge?

I wonder who is more unrealistic about the girls/guys of their dreams, men or women. On one hand, I would say women are because the ratio of men who are dream quality to the rest of us doesn’t exactly favor women who have a man of their dreams. My guess is that most women probably have a man similar to Brad Pitt as the man of their dreams, and where do you find men like that? Nowhere. Contrarily, hot women are everywhere. But I think for the same reason, men are more unrealistic about the girls of their dreams. Most men don’t have the skills to score with anyone much less the girl of their dreams. And it seems that the more hideous a guy is, the better he thinks his skills are. That’s why only nasty dudes hit on women in bars. Or start websites devoted to tracking women down...

Nick

Hi, I'm Governor Spitzer. Got hooker?

I've tried to think of what I would say were I in this douche bag's shoes. And then I really tried.

I got nothing.

Forget for a second that prostitution is wrong and all that. Let's look at the facts.

For one, it's not like your wife is ugly. She's no $1,000/hour hooker, but c'mon.*

Then of course, you have a family. "Hi, we're your three daughters. Have we met?"

And, the state that elected you Governor, and you know, gave you a bunch of money. "Hi, we're the State of New York. 'member us?"

No... let's make matters worse and be a jackass. Who runs around cracking the whip on everyone else's ass. "Hi pot, I'm kettle."

It's one thing to cheat, have an affair, get knob jobs from some intern, etc. But a $1,000/hour prostitute? You have to pay someone to cheat on your wife with?

You're the Governor! Of New York!

I'm pretty sure that, a) women will sleep with you just because your Governor of New York, b) I've never been to New York, but I'm pretty damn sure they have cheaper prostitutes.

$1,000/hour?

Eddie Murphy didn't pay no $1,000/hour in Coming to America, and that boy was po', and shoppin' in Queens.

*What the hell does a $1,000/hour look like?

Nick

Fuck you Friday, and, Interview time, again...

The interviews strike again. This time it's the little things... flings some questions over. And I answer.


1. I know you have a young child. If I told you the only way he would have a happy life is if you were to walk out right now and never see him again, would you do it?

Consider me gone. The happiness of my child is infinitely more important than mine. I know that even if I wasn't around, he would have a wonderful family structure around him and he would be raised properly. He's a smart boy, I know he would do fine.

2. If the Hot Wife were to leave you tomorrow, what would be your plan to carry out the rest of your life?

I guess the first thing I would do is start looking for an apartment... And then I would hit the bars looking for cute little blonde college girls to take home and (beep) in the (beep). Eat your heart out hot wife.... Hey, you left me, you don't get to tell me what to do anymore!

Honestly, I would probably spend several weeks shocked and depressed. Aside from being my wife, mother to my child and contributor to the household, the hot wife is really my best friend. We essentially do most everything together, and she's the only person in the world that I know I can trust and can tell anything to. That would be a huge hole in my life that I know I would really struggle to fill.

I don't know that I would have a plan. I've never been one to plan. I guess I would just try to take it one day at a time and... fuck, I don't know. I'd be bored, that's for sure.

3. If you could walk away from your current life for one month and go anywhere and do anything and no one would ever find out what it is....what would that be?

Man, would I just love some fucking sleep! I would spend half the time just catching up on sleep. And then I would spend the other half in Vegas at the World Series of Poker, playing every single tournament.

4. If our laws were to suddenly become those of Iran and you were in danger of being labeled a "Corruptor of the World", would you change anything about your lifestyle? If so, what?

I'd probably just move to Canada :) I would not thrive in such a conservative and oppressive society, even if I did make immediate lifestyle changes (stop having sex with the shades open) to avoid being executed. Sooner or later the mullahs would find something to lock me up for (amateur porn websites).

5. If you could bring one person back to life, who would it be?

I would bring the hot wife's father back to life. I would love nothing more to bring my own father back to life, but unlike her, I was fortunate enough to be able to have a father in my life into adulthood. Her father passed away when she was very young and I think it would make a lot of dreams come true for her, and her whole family, to be able to spend time with him. I could also use some boxing lessons :)

And then, even though I've interviewed several of you, rules are rules:

Do YOU want to be interviewed?

Interview rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying "Interview me."

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Nick

I'm a dance dance dance dance dancing machine....

Twice now in the past two days I've had conversations about dancing. In particular, men who dance, and the women who love them. Some women pretend they don't drool all over men who can dance. They're liars. All, and yes dammit, I mean all, women love a man who can rip up a dance floor. And therein lies the problem. 99.9% of men can't dance to save their lives.

I can't dance to save my life. I'm the whitest white boy when it comes to dancing... it's really pretty sad.

Which makes you wonder... if most men can't dance, why do women like men who can dance? Why the unreasonable desires? It would be like if men liked women who were cheerleaders... or strippers, or what not. Most women aren't those things, so who would we be to have such unreasonable desires?

I of course have no idea, like the rest of the planet, exactly why women are the way they are. But I've thought about this for about six minutes now and I think I may have come up with a couple of reasons why women like a man who can dance.

One obvious reason is that, because so few men are willing to step out of their typical manly comfort zone to learn to dance, it's like they're getting something that no one else has. Like a really rare purse, or roses on a random day, etc... Maybe they don't even really like the dude, or could give a rip that he can dance. Just as long as no one else can have him, but they know everyone wants him... that's usually enough.

A likelier reason would be that women are just sick of dancing with other women. And sick of guys just sitting on the sidelines watching, dreaming, waiting for that moment where they just say, "fuck it", and start kissing, and it moves to the side of the dance floor where they start ripping off each others...

...wait... what was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, dancing.

I think unfortunately for us men, the likeliest reason that women love men that can dance is because of the movie Wedding Crashers. Don't even tell me you women didn't get all tingly seeing Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn set the dance floor on fire in that movie. Them fuckers...

Ya know, the whole premise of that movie is every guy's worst nightmare. If you can dance, you take home tons of women. For how funny and entertaining that movie was, it was probably the greatest single disservice to men in general. Two great looking men, who can dance, are funny and witty, and single...

As men, we have a fuck of a lot of work to do...

Nick

Sicko

Bet you thought this post was going to be about Michael Moore. Sorry, only room for one serious topic a month around here...

But, this is an interesting article. Two 14 year old girls were kicked off a Portland, OR city bus for kissing each other.

The girls, both 14, said the driver called them "sickos" after a female passenger complained about their kiss. The driver then stopped the bus along the street and forced them off.

First of all, how prissy and prude do you have to be to complain about two girls kissing on a city bus? It's one thing to not mind your own business, but to go out of your way to complain about it? I thought this was Oregon? Tolerant Oregon...

But second of all, where the hell were all of these girls kissing each other when I was 14? What the hell has happened in the past 13 (gulp) years? Because girls didn't kiss when I was kid. It just didn't happen. It was gay back then. Sick(o). Not to the boys, but to the girls...

I was lucky when I was 13 to have a girl show us her boobs. That was it! We didn't get to watch her make out with her friends... Incidentally, she's now a stripper, so I'm not sure we were the best of influences for her.

I mean, I realize Bill Clinton made oral sex ok for everyone, but what can we point to that made girls kissing other girls ok? What did I miss? I like to consider myself fairly knowledgeable about sexual culture and what not, but I completely missed the boat on this one.

Some days I feel really old...

Nick

We'll always have Paris baby...

I don't understand why people can't just get over themselves and leave my poor girlfri.... er, good friend Paris alone. Come on people. Like you've never drove drunk and violated your probation, and then got released from jail early, and then had to go back to jail for an even longer sentence....

Hypocrites....

btw - does anyone really look hotter in a tie than me? Don't answer that...

Nick

Sorry honey!

Well, so much for our vacation in Iran...

Iran's parliament on Wednesday voted in favor of a bill that could lead to death penalty for persons convicted of working in the production of pornographic movies.

With a 148-5 vote in favor and four abstentions, lawmakers present at the Wednesday session of the 290-seat parliament approved that "producers of pornographic works and main elements in their production are considered corruptors of the world and could be sentenced to punishment as corruptors of the world."

The term, "corruptor of the world" is taken from the Quran, the Muslims' holy book, and ranks among the highest on the scale of an individual's criminal offenses. Under Iran's Islamic Penal Code, it carries a death penalty.

Yay! I've always wanted to be a "corruptor of the world"! Just saying it makes me horny...

Corruptor of the world!

Corruptor of the world!

rarrr......

Nick

Love Letters... take one.

Remember how I said the other day that we were going thru some old things, among them old love letters? Well, we thought it would be fun to publish some of them. We're actually publishing them elsewhere, but I thought, why not post them here for you guys to laugh at as well?

This one is dated January 14th, 1997. Our "official" day for becoming bf/gf is January 17th. It's posted in original form with no editing.

Dear Amy Jo

Hey Yo, what's happening? I just finished that grueling Graphix final, actually it wasn't that bad. You'd be amazed at all the things you can learn by just sitting there staring off into space.

But anyways, enough with the jibber jabber (or whatever). I'm writing you today because I wanted to ask you something but I don't want to put you in an akward position by pressuring you into anything, and I'm too shy to say anything. I was just wondering if we'll ever be anything besides friends. I think it would be really cool but I can't figure out how you feel about it. I guess I just want to know if I'm taking this all wrong so if I am just let me know. I'll feel like a dumbass but I'll feel alot better knowing. I really enjoy being friends with you so I hope I'm not fucking everything up by writing this. But lately it seems like we've been getting a little bit closer. Even while I was going out with Jenny it felt like I was closer to you than her. (Don't tell her that because that's really mean, but that's just the way I feel). Actually, that's really mean, alright forget I wrote that. (I don't feel like erasing all that) Anyways I should get cruisin'. You should write back or give me a call, I'll be home after 7:30.

Peace and Love
Nicholaus

p.s. if you hate me for writing this then Fuck You! Just kidding, I had to put a little humor in this!

Nick

You're old and dumb... I'm only dumb...

I guess the United Blogging Council got together and decided that this week's main topic would be age. I've seen the topic discussed on two different blogs now, one is Dawn's and the other is not an appropriate link for this blog.

The topic of age and how that relates to maturity and knowledge and experience and whether or not you should get married is one that I rarely see eye to eye with others on. Because, as you may or may not know, I'm always the exception. Trust me. There's nothing I fucking hate more, than when someone says to me - "well, you're the exception." I've killed people for far less, so don't go there.

Example one. When I was the ripe old age of 19, I got involved in dog rescue. And thru that involvement, helped to start a 10 state Rottweiler Rescue called MidAmerica Rottweiler Rescue. Pretty soon I was on the board of directors as the Adoption Coordinator. And then Volunteer Coordinator. And then Vice President. But many people in that rescue wouldn't have let me adopt a dog because I was under 21, or 25, or whatever stupid number they wanted to put on maturity and the ability to care for a dog.

The justification? "Well, of course at 19 years old, you couldn't possibly know what you want in life." "You're probably going to go to college, and then get married, and then move, and the dog will be out in the street."

I would fight with these people endlessly about age requirements. Don't assign a number to maturity. If someone isn't mature enough to care for a dog, what does it matter if they are 15 or 45? And vice versa. My point was, nothing happens on your 21st birthday that makes you ready and mature enough to do anything. Whether it's drink, get married, adopt a dog, whatever. People should be evaluated on an individual basis and not simply because of their age. It just doesn't mean very much to me. I know 10 year old kids that are more mature than most 50 year olds.

Example 2. I met my now wife when we were 17. Seniors in high school. Virgins (oh the horror!). We fell in love almost right away. After high school we moved out, got a Rottweiler, got jobs, went to college, had a lot of sex, drank, did drugs, whatever. Then we moved again, and still kept our dog. And then we bought a house at 22. And then we got married at 23. And still kept our dog! Had a (gasp!) kid at 27, with TWO ROTTWEILERS! I know, I know, everyone told us the dogs were going to EAT our kid, and then turn on us and EAT US!

What's my point? I seen a comment on another blog that said if you get married in your 20s, before basically sleeping around with as many people as you can, you're making a "big, big mistake". I don't think we made a mistake. In fact, I wouldn't do it any other way. I don't have to picture my wife having sex with someone else, because there is no one else she's had sex with. There's no diseases to worry about. And I certainly have no desire to get divorced now and go sleep with everyone, not that anyone besides the hot wife would sleep with me anyways... But I don't feel like I missed out on anything.

I just don't buy into a lot of the age stereotypes that people throw out there. It's fine if you were too immature at that age to make decisions about your path in life, but don't assume that the rest of us are as well. While we've certainly made some mistakes along the way, and things are not always strawberry fields forever, I think the hot wife and I are great examples of how it can work out. We've made changes in our lives, sure, but we chose to make them together and never once have we felt like we missed out on anything in our lives.

Nick

Fuck you Friday, and the thought process of a working class white male...

I was thinking life over last night as I was trying to fall asleep. It's kind of a routine I go thru, you know, bring all of my thoughts from the day to conclusion. So, I'm laying there thinking about this blog, and that blog, and some of the family issues we're going thru, and who I would vote for for President, and why I just can't bring myself to order anything other than a club sandwich when we order in, etc...

And then... my thoughts drift, as they usually do when my serious thoughts for the day have run their course. And I start thinking about women kissing other women. And why I'm so attracted to two women kissing. Why are men in general so attracted to two women kissing?

Now, sure, one could state the obvious reason. Well, two women are better than one, right? Of course. But there has to be more than that, I think.

And then I started thinking about this blog I was reading the other day, and the guy writing was trying to define sexy. Don't worry, I read these types of blogs after my kid goes to bed... But he was talking mostly about physical characteristics of what is sexy, cheerleaders and schoolgirls with pigtails and what not, which would simply support the - two women are better than one theory.

I'm not satisfied with that theory, so I beging to wonder how I would define sexy. And while I think there is something to physical attraction, I think of sexy as being more about attitude. In other words, you can be the best looking person in the world, but be a total jackass. You can't be sexy and a jackass, at least not in my little world.

So I relate this back to my original thought about two women kissing. I think, and I would need to see two women kissing again to really evaluate this (enter: the hot wife), that my attraction to two women kissing is more about the attitude of the women than it is about the physical visual stimulation. Since this aligns with my opinions on what is sexy, it would make sense.

You may be wondering, "well, what is so appealing about the attitudes of two women kissing?" And I would say, "uh, you just answered your own question." They're kissing! Another woman! Duh. When I see two women kissing, it tells me one of three things about them:

1. They're both attracted to women (sexy)
2. They're just trying to impress men (sexy)
3. I forgot what the third thing would be... (sexy)

I guess my theory is that the male species (men) attraction to two of the female species (women) coupling (kissing) has more to do with the open-minded attitude (slutiness) of the female species (women) involved than it does the simple physical stimulation (watching porn on the computer).

Hmm. Weird. But logical. Fuck it, it's Friday.

Nick

And it makes me ha hahaha hahaha hahahahaha ha hard...

Over the past year or so, as the hot wife was pregnant, and then after we had Braeden, people have asked us how we manage to still have so much sex. Or various other questions dealing with the subject. And I kind of laugh and giggle, because when we talked about having kids, the first thing current parents would say is, "you won't have a sex life anymore". That was after they said we'd never sleep again...

When people told me that having kids pretty much did away with their sex life, what I really heard was - they didn't have much of a sex life to begin with. Yeah, you do have to be a little more creative, and yeah, you are a little more tired than you used to be. But come on... it's just sex. How hard is it?

Serious. I'm curious....

Luckily, with my vast knowledge in marital and sexual relationships, I think I can help. I've come up with some tips to help couples with children get a little more out of their sex life. Or, get one to begin with. Let's roll...

1. Plan ahead. I like to start planning in the morning. A few well placed comments sets the mood for the day, and then makes sure everyone is on the same page that night. I've found that - "hey slut, wanna get naked tonight?" - works better than you would think. Don't wait until 8:30 at night to make your move, chances are you're getting the "I'm watching that dumb show with that hot guy from 7th Heaven" response.

2. Start drinking early. I like to crack the first beer by about 6:00. That way, by the time the kid is crashed out, you've got yourself a nice buzz going. A couple of Jagerbombs, and you're dancing naked on the coffee table (not recommended)... And, by the time he wakes up around 11:00 or 12:00, you've had all the sex you can muster and have sobered up nicely.

3. Bring your own food. If you have kids, you know you never get to eat a decent meal. So why not combine the eating, with the sex? Only, remember that whipped cream contains lots of sugar and is not good in certain places... Stick with the vegetables like celery, carrots, or even cucumbers if you're feeling a little wild and crazy. Fruits make a tasty snack, but again, some are high in sugar... Oh, and don't forget the milk... very, uh, healthy...

4. Let the kid do the videotaping. Just kidding, you should probably not let your kids play with the video camera, if you like to have a working video camera...

5. This is more of a what not to do. Don't leave the baby monitor on when having sex. Unless you have real understanding neighbors...

6. Sometimes you have to speak in age-appropriate code language, but you can be creative and still get the point across. Try these out - "Hey, is that spit up, or are you just really happy to see me?" "Maybe after he goes to sleep, you could give me a bath?" "Did you know I'm not wearing a diaper?"

7. Watch a lot of porn. Not so much for the obvious reasons, but really, nothing makes you feel better about that little bit of baby weight than to watch some of the people they find for porn movies.... Trust me, you'll feel at the top of your game in no time. A good rule of thumb is - the cheaper the porn, the better you feel about yourself.

8. Take 15 minutes together and clean the house up. Maybe it's just us, but isn't it hard to have sex in the kitchen with all those dirty dishes piled up everywhere? But don't remove the toys from the couch cushions, because it's funny when they go off in the middle of... well, whatever it is you're doing on the couch.

9. Shower together. Besides being environmentally responsible, which, as you know I'm big on, there are so many other benefits. It's efficient, you're probably already awake and naked in the shower, it masks some of the sights and sounds, someone's there to wash your back, etc... Just remember that lubricant is not as effective in the shower, so probably not a good idea to play the drop the soap game...

10. When all else fails, get a babysitter. Some people get babysitters so they can go out to eat, or to a show, etc. Get a babysitter, and then go right back home and have sex. It's cheaper, you're not out late, your night won't be ruined by an under-cooked steak or a bad movie and the hot wife and I won't have to gag when we see you walking down the street holding hands like a bunch of high school kids on a date.

Well, hopefully some of these tips will help those of you with children get it on a little more. And then, when someone is having a kid for the first time, you don't have to scare the crap out of them with stupid comments like, "say goodbye to your sex life". It doesn't have to be that way.

Nick

Fuck you Friday was yesterday...

When it comes down to it, the hot wife and I are pretty pathetic. Even after 10 years together, we have never mastered the art of fighting or arguing with each other. I've always kind of admired the couples that can sustain hours of yelling and throwing shit at each other, and then they're pissed off at each other for weeks on end. High school couples often put us to shame when arguing.

Every one of our arguments over 10 years has started exactly the same way. Normally a couple with great communication, we've just never been good at coming forward with things that bother us. So one person basically walks into a booby trap, completely oblivious. And then it begins...

What's wrong?
Nothing...

Every time. As if the other person is stupid or something. Finally after much prying, we tell the other one what is bothering us. Then come rebuttals and counter-rebuttals and so on and so forth. And then... silence.

The silence portion of the argument is typically my doing. I just suck ass at confrontational conversing so I clam up. I'm a big believer in the fifth amendment. And I'm pretty sure this drives the hot wife absolutely crazy, but it's just how I deal with things. Or, not deal with things... I need time to let things soak in and develop a plan of action before I'm able to talk about it again. And this can last anywhere from 10 minutes to a day or so. I think one time I lasted a couple of days, but that was a pretty serious offense. If it goes too long, the hot wife knows that she can always revert to crying. Crying is like kryptonite to me, so she'll drop a few tears and I crumble like an old Vegas hotel... There is something written deep in my genetic code that will not allow for me to be upset with someone who is crying. I'm weak.

Then we'll talk again, clear the air and vow to the love god to be better people.

And that's pretty much it. Pathetic, isn't it?

Oh, wait, and then we have make-up sex... And when I say we have make-up sex, I really mean we... wait, uh, nevermind. Forgot which blog I was writing on there for a second...

BTW - I actually was in a band once. A prize to the first person who can name it... No, dear hot wife, you can't play...

BTW - We didn't get drunk and take showers together. But I have kissed the bass player. Wait a second... and then he dated my sister-in-law... I just threw up in my mouth.

BTW - The dog is real, and wasn't a metaphor. Please pray for her, because if anything happens to her, whole cities will burn to the ground...

Nick

What the band says, goes...

Let's suppose you're in a band. It's a punk band, because the only cool bands are punk bands. Anyways, so you've been in this band forever, like 10 years. You love the band. You'd give your right fucking nut for the band. You and the band are like best friends, you do almost everything together. You live together. You eat together. Hell, sometimes you get really drunk and take showers together. Hey, I didn't say the band was all the same sex... don't put words in my mouth.

And while you still do things without the band, like jam with other friends on the acoustics and shit, you are pretty much devoted to the band. The band man, the fucking band.

One day you're thinking about the band, and how much you love the band, and you think... man, wouldn't it be fucking great to do some live shit? You know, get the band's music out there so everyone can enjoy it. So you go to the band and you pitch your idea. And they love it! And you start planning your live career. We're gonna play this show, and do this on stage and yadda yadda yadda. Man, this is gonna rock!

You start doing some live shows. You still rock out together, and you still kind of do your own thing too. It's all good. The live shows are just making it better. It's like a whole new life for the band. It's fun! And of course, you just want to rock out with your band all the fucking time. Your band, not anyone else's band.

And then the band starts to get a little busy with other shit. Which is fine, it happens, it's happened before. So you think, hey, I'll just go out and promote the band and maybe do some solo shit while the band is busy, and we'll rock out whenever we have time. So you do that for a while, and it's not the same as before, but it's still all good. When you rock with the band, you really rock. The live shows rock. And you got fans all over the fucking place, coming out of the woodwork and shit. You and the band are the envy of more bands than you even know about.

Until one day, you come back to the garage from being out and promoting the band... and the band's pissed off.

Hey, what's wrong, totally awesome, rad fucking band?
Nothing, we're fine.

Dude. We've been a band forever, I can tell when something's up.
Well, we're not exactly happy that you've been spending so much time out there by yourself promoting the band.

Ok...
Yeah, and we're not exactly thrilled that you've been talking to other bands, and checking out other bands.

Uh...
And then, while we're busy and you're off promoting the band, the garage is a fucking mess.

You swallow hard, and wonder... Have you been promoting the band too much? Did you say something inappropriate to another band that maybe your band thought was inappropriate? You don't think you did. And sure, you've seen other bands, and told them they're pretty good and all, but it's not like you want to be with those other bands. You see bands with your band all the time, it's the same thing, and it doesn't seem to be a problem then. You're completely happy with your band, and you thought they were completely happy with you.

And besides, you clean the fucking garage all the damn time! Fuck!

But you don't want a big fight with the band, so you just go to bed and try to sleep it off. And while the band apologizes the next day, you still think that a lot of what was said was probably really how the band feels, but maybe they just don't want to fight either. Maybe the band isn't as happy as you thought it was and maybe all the live shit and promoting the band isn't such a good idea any more.

And then, to top it all off, you realize the fucking band dog, who has been with the band since it was practically formed, has arthritis so bad it can barely walk anymore. Fuck fuck fuck FUCK!

I guess, when it comes down to it, you really have to do all you can to keep the band happy and sacrifice the other shit. It's not as important. It doesn't make much sense to do live shows and promote the band, if there is no band to play live with and promote, right? You love the band, and you would do anything for the band, and when the band ain't happy, you ain't happy.

My advice for you, and your band, is to always make sure you are on the same page with shit. Even though you talk about stuff, and the band seems cool with all your new ideas and whatever, keep them involved and keep things out in the open. Or one day you'll walk in to the garage and the band is going to all pissed off at you. And it ain't no fun.

That's today's lesson kiddies. And for the love of the band, clean the fucking garage once in a while!

Liquor in the front, poker in the rear...

Around the end of last year I started tracking my poker tournament entries using Excel. I track my placements, number of entries, entry fees and winnings. I haven't played a lot of tournaments yet, but looking back over the ones I have played in, it's obvious there are ups and downs. In six tournaments I've tracked, I've done well in three and poorly in three. Most noticeably, I've done poorly in the last two, and that's frustrating for me.


If there is one thing about my life that I think has bothered me as I've gotten old, it's that there isn't really anything that I can point to that I'm really good at. Except performing oral sex, which the hot wife (who has never been with anyone else...) tells me I'm the best at. Though, that's not something you would put on a resume for example. Unless, you were applying for a porn star role perhaps. I'm getting off track here.

I guess where I'm going with this is, dammit, there's got to be something that I am really good at. Other than giving oral sex. I mean, I'm not sure I want someone to stand up at my funeral and say, "while average at most things, he sure could please his wife with the best of them". Who wants to hear that?

Nope, it's got to be poker. I've got to focus. I've got to be the best. Or at least one of the best. Obviously, with a gazillion poker players these days, that's a hard thing to quantify. So, I think I need to set some trackable goals with some type of reward for progress.

As it stands now, my average finish over six tournaments is 15th out of 38 entries, or about 40%. My goal by the end of the year is to have an average finish in the top 25%.

So now, I have a goal - average finish in the top 25% by EOY. I have a tracking source - my trusty Excel spreadsheet. And I have the opportunity - I've joined a poker league that plays on Fridays and Sundays thru June, so I should be able to play at least once a week. Now I just need a reward for hitting my goal. It's got to be something that I really want. But what do I want? I guess we could make a list of some of the things I want...

1. anal sex from the hot wife
2. oral sex from the hot wife
3. any sex from the hot wife
4. a vacation somewhere warm (including sex with hot wife)
5. a new car (with room to have sex with hot wife in)

Hmm.. Tough decisions. What do you guys think should be my reward for hitting my poker average finish goal???

Nick

I can't get no...

The bottom line to this post is that I haven't been getting a lot of sex lately, because apparently the whole world is sick. And not that I would be having sex with the whole world, but, the hot wife is part of it, and thus, no sex. Get all that? So we're all sick and not having sex. But because we're sick we've been basically living on cough medicine and cough drops. And beer. Because cough medicine just doesn't have enough alcohol in it.

Anyways, yesterday this friend asked me if I was going to Las Vegas to go to the Kitchen and Bath show this year. Which I'm not, because if I went to Las Vegas, it wouldn't be to go to some stuffy work related thing. What happens in Vegas should not relate to work. It kind of goes with that whole saying - don't get your meat where you get your bread... make your bread? Whatever.

And then some contract agency contacted me about a job.

So, I'm having this dream last night and it seems so real, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm sick and not sleeping well, or what. But we're in Vegas, we're drunk, and we're having sex. And then the phone rings. And normally I wouldn't answer the phone during sex, because, you know, who wants to hear that in the backround? But I'm waiting for this phone call about a job, so I answer it. It's about the job.

guy calling about the job: I'm calling about the job.
me: ok
guy calling about the job: oh wait, we're going to have to check this out.
me: check what out?
guy calling about the job: well, your blood sugar level is high.
me: is that bad?
guy calling about the job: uh, yeah dumbass.

Do you get it? Everything else in the dream has happened, except for the bit about the high blood sugar.

And then I'm driving into work this morning and I hear this thing on NPR about doping and bike racing, and how your biological markers can change when your sick. And that makes sense, because I've been living on this cough stuff, which, I haven’t checked the labels, but I'm sure contain sugar. Doesn't everything?

Is it bad that all I want to do is go back to sleep so I can call this guy back and tell him that my blood sugar is high because I'm sick? You'd think I would want to go back to sleep so I can have more drunk sex. That's how bad being sick messes with you.

And now an announcement. Within the next few days... the Second Annual i think washing your hands is stupid... Awards. Stay tuned.

Nick

Gators do it...

* I have some time to post while our sick little baby boy sleeps. He's come down with some congestion, and is coughing a little :( It's -30 here... what can one expect? Of course, not like he's sleeping outside.

* Anywho. We got a new digital camera since we dropped our old one repeatedly off the bar floor that night I won the barrel party. And since we bought a new digital camera, we figured we might as well pick up a photo printer from Dell. Which is where we bought said camera.

Well, I haven't had a whole lot of luck getting the flatbed scanner on the printer to work. It works, and I can scan pics in, but not like it should. Yet. But, since I was messing around with it, I was scanning in a few pictures to see how bad the not-right-way-of-working was. Semi-bad, but one of the pictures we took in Florida when we were both sick and went to the Tampa Bay Aquarium. It just goes so well with my post from a few days ago.

I call it... Gators do it.



Nick

I swear to tell the truth. The whole truth.

I was invited this morning to testify in front of Congress on anal sex



Senator: Is it your opinion that anal sex is an activity women should be required to engage in from time to time?



Me: yes.





















Nick