I'm too busy for you...

Sometimes we'll ask hot child who thinks he's a teenager if he wants to do something, and he'll reply, "No thank you.  I too busy."  Which reminds me how too busy I have been to blog lately.  Which isn't true, but makes me feel better.  I've actually quite a few things to write about, I just haven't.  I want, I could, I'd like to, I just don't.

But, I promise I'll change.  Starting now.  So here's what's going down...

I'm starting school.  Again.  Really, school again?  I swear I quit and start school as much as I quit and start this blog.  Is it coincidence that they seem to happen at the same times?  Probably, but it is kind of easy to write about school.  And as you can see... I am out of things to write about.  Well... it has been like 6 years... how many thoughts can one person have?

I joined LinkedIn, and Windows Live.  I don't really know why this is important.  From what I can gather, both are just like Facebook for people who a. have way too much time to be on their computer and b. want to look professional?  I don't even have a professional looking picture for my profiles on either site, so I guess I won't be recruited my some Wall Street trading firm.  Which sucks, because I'd love to work there.  Maybe I could soften the freefall my 401k has been on the last couple of weeks.  Or at least I would have a good reason to drink myself silly, because just saying my 401k tanked today doesn't seem sufficient in the grand scheme of things.

We're going back to Minnesota!  Yeah, next weekend, for a wedding reception.  Love it.  Beer, food, MINNESOTA.  See, unlike the southern hell that is Louisiana, we love Minnesota.  And most of the people in it.

Where you want to get snowed in when you get
Snowed in, outside its 10 below
Is it day or night, we don't care or know

Actually the last time we went to Minnesota, we didn't see NoFX unfortunately.  We did however see Mason Jennings.  Then I found out he lived in and sung songs about New Orleans.



Now he's dead to me. 

And now I just don't feel like writing anymore...

nick
 

There are no Saints in New Orleans...

Of course.  Why wouldn't the Saints win the Superbowl?   I didn't really care one way or another in terms of actual football, but my pure and true hatred for New Orleans is so well documented, I'm not sure what else I can say about it.  For past references, see here, here, here, here, here and finally here.

Hate.  New.  Orleans. 

Hate.

nick

Beer, Minnesota and religion...

All things I love...



Nick

Gustav(e) is a family name

As we sat in the bar this past Saturday, celebrating the fact that God has once again attempted to clear the cesspool of a city we’ve come to known as New Orleans*, I thought back to the hard time we spent in that God-forsaken hell hole (documented here, here and here. Oh, and here too. Wait, here too.) And I thought about all the horrible people that call it home. And how, similar to someone in an ongoing abusive relationship, they just won’t leave it. They just won’t admit that the city, along with the majority of those in it, has failed. Because chances are, if you live there and/or call it home... you’ve probably failed at life.

The only problem is, we don’t make failing at life a real positive experience. It’s pretty shitty actually. You can’t pay your bills, you don’t have enough to eat, and you live in an oven that is super humid, smells like piss and fills up with sewagey water every three years. You can see why people try so hard to avoid failing at life, and even when they do, try desperately to free themselves from it.

And why do they try to free themselves from failure? Well, because on the flip side of failing, we’ve made succeeding at life look pretty damn good. And guess what, it’s not that hard to do. After all, success is only a dollar and five lucky numbers away, right? Maybe it’s only a hot cup of coffee away. Maybe it’s a misprint on your bank statement that puts a few extra zeros on your account balance.

You don’t ever have to worry about not paying your house payment on time.

Or having enough to eat.

Or drowning. In your attic.


Realistically... once you've failed, it's done. Over. Time to stand up, dust yourself off and head for the exit.





Like this dude:

Have a few (stolen) beers, kick back, let the water rise... and go to your happy place.**

Nick

*Actually, it was hot wife’s birthday

** You're damn right I'm cynical, New Orleans still owes me $20.

The sex diet...

Here's an interesting website that I have been playing around with since taking an online health assessment that essentially told me I was a fat pig. In not so many words. Even without signing up, you can browse the nutritional details of just about any food. For example, one of my favorites, the Whopper Jr. from Burger King (responsible for fat pigness) contains way too many fucking calories, way too much fucking fat and, of course, way too much fucking yummy goodness. Actually it contains 410 calories, which is about four times what I should be eating in a given meal.

On the flip side of getting sick seeing how fattening your favorite foods are, you can browse just about every activity you wish you were doing to see how many of those fucking calories you would be burning... if you weren't sitting here reading this blog of course. Which, btw, sitting and reading burns about 100 calories an hour. Or 1/4 of the Whopper Jr.

Now of course the fun part. Well, they don't tell you how many calories you're burning while drinking beer (my guess is it's a lot though), but, they do tell you how many calories you burn while engaging in sexual activity.

According to the wizard who calculates all this crap, passive sexual activity which they specify includes things like light effort kissing and hugging (because who the fuck does that?) burns... are you ready? 83 calories an hour. Which would confirm my theory that no one kisses and hugs for an extended amount of time. Why would you, when sitting and reading burns more calories?

Now we move on to, moderate sexual activity, which I'm not an expert on sexual activity by any means, but I guess would include things like bondage, burning each other with candle wax and swinging (either an actual swing, or another couple... your call). Moderate sexual activity, according to the website, burns 109 calories. Or half a can of coke.

Uh, really? Moderate sexual activity burns the same number of calories as sitting and reading? What the fuck kind of sex are these people having? If you're extending the same amount of energy having sex as you are sitting and reading, maybe you need to rethink your strategy. Like, try moving.

Well, luckily for us that don't play dead when we have sex, they have a category for vigorous sexual activity. Their words, not mine. I guess vigorous sexual activity would include, oh I don't know, farm animals maybe? Sex in a mall bathroom stall? Who knows what the actual definition of vigorous sexual activity may be, but I wouldn't bother with it. It only burns 125 calories an hour. Or half a snickers bar.

Apparently you are better off just going to church and praying that you were having sex, which also burns 125 calories an hour.

So I guess what all this means is that if you've ever heard the excuse "I'm too tired", it's bullshit. You're probably just not all that good with the farm animals. Luckily the lord is though.

Nick

The Lord demands sex...

Anyone who has read this blog for any amount of time (all three of you) know that I'm not religious. But, you know, maybe it's not because of my beliefs so much, but rather, because I haven't found the right church.

Like this church.

Good Lord.

"The pastor of a southwest Florida church opened many eyes and ears Sunday when he said he wants married couples in the congregation to -- have sex for 30 days in a row."

Wait. Is this church or a strip club? Either who, sign me up! Eh, and why stop at 30? Why not just go for a cool 60? I should be a pastor...

Nick

blah blah Monday

I don't really have much coherent thought going on today, so I think we'll do one of those posts where I go in 15 different directions. Let's roll.

* I actually went to church this weekend. Ok, it's not like I went on my own, but I went for a couple of baptisms and first communions and what not. I have to admit that I'm not sold on all these rituals of the church. They seem pretty pointless to me. And the only thing the priest talked about was how the church is like a winning football team. Let's just say that I didn't leave feeling any different or with the desire to find Christ. I'm lost on the motivation to believe...

* I played poker until 10:30 last night which was not the best idea. But I was up $40, so I kind of had an obligation to ride it thru to the end. We were playing H.O.R.S.E. which is basically five different kinds of poker. It's fun to get away from no limit Texas Hold 'Em, which is what you usually see played on tv. What percentage of my reading audience do you think understands any of the things I post about poker? Probably zero...

* If I could have one super power, it would be the ability to ask certain questions and everyone would have to answer and they would have to tell the truth. I would love to ask why all of you read this blog. But one, I don't think most of you would answer. And two, I don't think everyone would tell the truth. It would be an interesting question to ask, I just don't believe it would do much good to ask it.

* The hot wife and I have talked quite a bit about whether we want to have another child. We've come to the conclusion that while we don't want to take steps that would rule it out completely, if we had to choose right now, we wouldn’t want another one. You'd be amazed at how many people don't like that decision. If one more person tells me my only child is going to be spoiled, I'm going to punch them in the side of the face.

* Leaving open the possibility that we might have another kid is, while somewhat scary, kind of exciting at the same time. I think it would make the difficult times of parenting so much more difficult... but the fun times of parenting... you get the idea. I would want a girl though. If it was another boy, I think I would assume a fetal position and cry.

* blah blah blah, happy Monday.

Nick

Remember Ashoka Maurya

Here's a question for you. Where can you find topics ranging from oral and anal sex to ancient Buddhist history? The answer is here. So gather 'round kiddies. It's story time.

I've always been fascinated by history, and I've always been even more fascinated by war. I love learning about the Civil War, ancient Roman conquests, the World Wars, etc. I must have read Danielle Steele's Message From 'Nam a gazillion times. So when I first heard Mason Jennings song Emperor Ashoka, I was intrigued.

I've studied ancient Rome and Europe. Russia and China. And of course the "history" of the Americas, as much as one can gather from the spoon feeding and regurgitation the public schools offer up... But I've never studied anything from the area which is now India/Pakistan/Iran/Afghanistan, other than the life of Gandhi.

Remember Ashoka Maurya
Remember Ashoka Maurya
Remember Ashoka Maurya
Era of imperialist Buddhist rule

I would never make it as a Buddhist, for the same obvious reasons that most people would never make it as a Buddhist. But I've always been fascinated by it. I think modern culture could certainly learn from it more than it currently does. As I think they could learn from Emperor Ashoka as well...

The story begins in the Mauryan Empire, or what is now modern day India, stretching to about Afghanistan to the north and west, and Bangladesh to the east. Being born a son of Emperor Bindusara, Ashoka excelled in the military and academics. So much so that, being wary of his intentions, his older siblings had him exiled. A few years later he was summoned by the Emperor to quell an uprising, was hurt in battle and then treated by Buddhist monks. This was Ashoka's first exposure to Buddhism.

Some time goes by and as the Emperor is on his death bed, Ashoka learns that he prefers an older sibling to assume power. So he attacks the village that his brothers were in and killed them all. Taking power, he goes on several bloody conquests to expand the borders of the Mauryan Empire.

His last conquest was the state of Kalinga, which prided itself on it's sovereignty and democracy. After an early defeat, Ashoka mounted the greatest invasion in Indian history up to that point and destroyed Kalinga. Over 100,000 were killed and many more deported.

Conquering the kingdom of Kalinga
In the Indian state of Orissa
Brought the death of so many men
Ashoka vowed to never fight again.

As Ashoka ventured out to survey the battlefield, he was struck by the destruction. Corpses and burning buildings everywhere. He was sick, and wondered, "What have I done?" Filled with sorrow, he made the decision to give up war and violence. For the rest of Ashoka's reign, he pursued an official policy of nonviolence. Even the unnecessary slaughter of animals was abolished.

And all across the land, the Emperor's power grew
Love before violence, conflicts with silence

He treated his people with respect and love, no matter their beliefs or caste. He made peace with neighboring kingdoms, which could have easily been conquered, instead sending monks to spread Buddhism.

From every corner of his empire
Had overseers of the law
Teach the brand new policies
Befriending all of his enemies

And from every house
All the people sang
Lets raise up the things that fill us
Put down the weapons that kill us

Now. Kids. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all play like this? Perhaps, if we spread tolerance, generosity and love... instead of conflict and violence... perhaps the world would be a slightly better place.

May your body be strong
May your heart be full
And may you live to be 100 years

Yes. Modern day culture has much to learn from Emperor Ashoka. Much.

Nick

I'm seeing red...

*Warning - the following post contains right-wing political rhetoric sent to me exclusively from Fox News Channel. If you don't like that shit, then leave.

I was reading the following post on some liberal blog this aft, over lunch. I don't know why I do this to myself. I know in my heart I tend to disagree strongly with liberal politics. But it's like when you pass a bad accident on the highway. You don't want to look, but you just do. And then you wish you hadn't, because now that's all you can think about.

Isn't it always amazing how you just come upon accidents that JUST happened? Like, if you were driving a mph faster, you would have been involved? Scary stuff.

Anyways, I'm reading this blog post. Reading. Reading. And then this...

There are issues that do demand [Democratic Party] unity — opposition to President Bush’s effort to end Social Security was one of them, for example...

I find it hard to live with my fellow humans sometimes. Look, I understand if you like Social Security as is. I even understand if all you want to do is oppose the President. It's not a real productive plan, but whatever, it's a free country. Do what you want.

But I simply can't stand the opposition to diverting a small percentage of payroll taxes into a retirement account. It drives me fucking mad. Here's why:

1. It would have been voluntary. If you're against the idea, DON'T DO IT!

2. The government in this country is a fucking joke. Any chance I get to take money away from them, I'll take.

3. My 401k made over 15% last year. The money I put into Social Security hasn't made shit. It never has and never will. In fact, it was probably spent on that stupid fucking bridge to nowhere in Alaska.

4. Politicians don't do Social Security. They don't pay in, they don't take out. Why? Because they're not stupid enough.

5. The money saved in my personal account would be mine. If I die, I would get to give it to someone, like my family. Now, if I die, my family gets just over $200, no matter how much I put into Social Security. Rip off? hmmmm....

This. This is why I don't believe in God. He wouldn't have surrounded me with such idiocy. I don't deserve it.

Nick

The return of Reverend Bible Thumper

Everyone seems to have the religious posts dusted off and posted today, so I think I will follow suit. I like to discuss religion, because while I am fascinated with the historical aspects of religious texts, and things like the Holy Grail, the Arc of the Covenant, the Vatican, the Knights Templar... I don't believe in a God. I don't believe in a heaven or hell. It's hard for some people to grasp that. I'm sure many are even offended by it, but as you all know, I've rarely avoided the chance to offend.

I was not raised with any religious beliefs whatsoever. We occasionally went to church before I was about five years old, you know, on the typical church holidays like Christmas, Easter... yadda yadda yadda. But I never went to church camp or Sunday school or anything like that. My family never prayed. Heathens were we.

But I think I really came to my true beliefs about God when I was a sophmore in high school. In a World History class we were discussing wars and all the religious reasons that wars occur. And then my teacher uttered something that made so much sense, and it has become the whole basis for my non-belief. He said:

"More people have died in the name of God, than for any other reason."

To this day, it can't possibly make any more sense. And maybe it's not even entirely true, as it's hard to associate religion with some major incidents in this world. For example, when Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge communists slaughtered millions in Cambodia, that wasn't because of religion. The World Wars were not exactly about religion, although indirectly there were some ties.

But let's imagine we woke up tomorrow and there was no religion. No Gods. What would the Middle East look like? Iraq? Iran? Lebanon? What about Africa? Or Afghanistan? What about Northern Ireland?

My point is, if you look at a lot of the major conflicts in the world today, or in centuries past, there is a religious aspect to them. Mostly one belief in God fighting another belief in God to show that their belief in God is the right belief in God. If there is no God or religion, do some of these conflicts not happen?

Would you abandon God if it meant conflicts based on religious beliefs would disappear?

Nick

I guess that's life huh?

I guess now that I'm back to work, I should get back to some blogging. It's been a while, so I'll split this post up a bit.

* Everyone's been asking me how having a baby around is. It's fun for the most part. We're getting used to everything like feeding, changing diapers, sleeping, etc... And he's been pretty good, with the exception of being a little fussy every now and again (mostly when I have him...), but that's to be expected. So all in all, things are going well. Still no sex though...

* We've nicknamed Braeden the "Icebox". That's the noise he makes when he's crapping in his diaper. You will now refer to Braeden strictly as the "Icebox". Or "Mr. Icebox" if you're nasty.

* I haven't written about the elections, because I don't know what to think really. While basically nothing I voted for went my way, I can't say I was real excited about what I was voting for in the first place. Our government isn't going to do anything I care about regardless of who is in power, so I guess I can't say I care a whole lot either way. I'm a fiscal conservative and a social liberal and our government is just not set up to cater to people like me. They'll continue to take more of our money, spend more of our money and seek to run our lives from conception to death. I wonder what the job market in Holland is like...

* I lost again in fantasy football this week. The Gods have not been good to me this year.

* With Icebox around, I've only been able to play smidgens of poker lately. My guess is that will continue for the most part until he is self sufficient. When does that happen? 10 years old? 12? I guess it's probably a good thing, because I have a tendency to become extremely addicted to things I find I like, and it's not good to neglect family, and real life and things like that to play poker. But it's hard to find something you really like to do, and then not be able to do it very much. I guess that's life huh?

* I'm so looking forward to Christmas this year. It's always a fun time of year, spending time with family and the like, but it seems like it will be so much funner (I love that word) with a baby, or kid, or what have you. See, I do have a softer side to me... I love babies, I admit, all their cuteness and cuddlie... uh... ness.... The best part about this year is, we don't have to buy Braeden anything. He won't know the difference, and I'm sure he will get plenty of the Spoil Squad Grandmothers...

* I wish my dad could have been there to see me become a dad. And likewise for the hot wife's dad. Sure, our mother's have gone on and remarried, but it's not the same. Yeah, I'll survive and all, but there is guidance from a father that you can't really get anywhere else. I know some people will say, well, he's up there watching over ya... Eh, it's a nice thought and all, but not being big on the whole heaven thing, I think I'm pretty much alone on this one. What can ya do...

* It's a pain in the ass to lose weight when people keep bringing food when they visit. Who the hell started this tradition? People, when you visit new parents, bring some cleaning supplies or something. Diapers maybe. Or just money. They don't want your damn lasagna. It's good and all, and it is nice to not have to cook, but if I keep eating like this, no amount of running will save me...

* Alright, that's enough for one day. Bye.

Nick

And you thought the Iraq war was bad...

I thought there was a reason that I avoid religion like poop covered spinach. Oh, that's right. Because it makes people crazy...

Have fun fighting the holy war.

Nick

O'Doyle rules!

One of the things that I am afraid of passing on to our son is my contempt for authority. Well, maybe that's a bit harsh. I'm not exactly an outcast or a squatter or anything like that. But I have always been a very independent person. And that could be because I was the only boy in a family of three kids, so I always played with myself. Literally...

I hate when people tell me what to do, or make plans for me (just ask the hot wife), or try to get me to believe something I don't want to believe, or agree with something I don't want to agree with, or what have you.

On one hand, being independent can be a good thing, but I can see it leading to problems for the lad as well. I guess because I know what it's like going through life like that.

Just take simple things like religion and politics. I don't believe in God, and I have voted Republican almost every time I have voted. Try bringing that up in a conversation these days... I've come close to kicking friends out of my house before because people will just freak out when they hear such nonsense. "How could you vote for George Bush?! Don't you know he's responsible for blowing up the World Trade Center??!!" "If you don't believe in God, you're going to hell." "How could you not believe in God but vote Republican? Don't you know they are anti-business?"

But I don't give a f&*% what other people think. In fact, the more what I do or think pisses people off, the more I want to do or think it. Being offensive is humorous to me. But I'm not real sure that this is a trait I want to pass on to my child. Do I want to be the person who gives my kid a mohawk just so old people look and say, "Oh goodness, that poor child..." and we can flip them off together? Do I want to dress my kid like a punk so people think we neglect him and let him do whatever he wants at two years old? And then when they say something I can tell them to f$%* off and mind their own business?

F$%* it. My kid is going to kick your kids ass...

Nick

......I'm not exactly sure why I still refuse to not spell F$%* correctly. I guess I want to be offensive, and yet, kid friendly.... I'm weird like that.