You don't like zebras?

Clearly I have way too much to talk about, what, with the Tiger episode today, our trip to Minnesota this weekend, etc, etc, etc.  But I cannot resist this.  Let me break it down for you...

A school in Pennsylvania gives thousands of it's students free laptops.  With webcams.  That can be remotely activated so that the school can see what is in front of the laptop.  Wait...  What?

WHAT?

I know... schools... giving students laptops.  If you're like me, your school didn't give you shit when you were a kid.  Because, you know, they had budgets and what not... consisting of real money.   And, well, we didn't have laptops.  With webcams.  There was basically no web for their to be a cam for until I was probably 13 anyways, and even then, if you were there back then... you know the web just sucked.

But imagine being a teacher today, and you're sitting in your teacher lounge with other teachers, probably sniffing dry erase markers (do they even still have chalk boards?), and someone comes up with this idea...

"I know.."  (sniff, sniff)  "What if we gave everyone some tricked out laptop... with webcams... that we can activate remotely.... you know, just in case anyone steals it..."

"Wow Professor Shit For Fucking Brains, what a great idea!"

(sniff, sniff)  "Yeah!"

"Yeah..."

Yeah....

No teacher put their marker down, used their god given brain and said, "Wait, my head is doing something... it's telling me that might be such a great idea afterall.  Yup, it's saying that's a bad idea.  A bad, stupid idea..."

A laptop.  With a webcam.  That can be remotely activated.

Let's forget for a second that, you know, people go to pound me in the ass prison for spying on people without their knowledge and consent, nevermind they be CHILDREN...  Can you begin to comprehend what goes on in a teenagers bedroom?  With a laptop?  And a webcam?  I know what went on in my bedroom when I was a teenager, and I didn't have a laptop.  Or a webcam.  Or the web.

I'm guessing if someone had remote access to my bedroom when I was a teenager, I wouldn't just have been called into Vice Principal Shit For Brains office for "inappropriate behavior".  I probably would have been sent to away.  Far away.

What, like you never played with zebras when you were a teenager???

 

Good zebra...

nick

I've already cloned myself...

As we have been talking more and more about getting another dog, we have been kicking ourselves more and more for not just cloning the dog we had years ago.  The.  Best.  Dog.  Ever.

 

  

  

Aside from my Dad, it's hard to imagine missing anything more than I miss that dog...

Nick

I could be watching football...

but instead, I have a kid, and I get to hear random thoughts like "I'm not a boy-fart-knocker, I just a boy!"

Where would I even be without a kid?

nick

Is it 2010 yet?

Heh. Did you know I've only posted here, like, some 50 times since the end of 2007? Well that ain't right, and it's my New Years resolution to revive this here website. It's time to put Facebook down, and the life of one sentence whitty-ness, and expound upon actual ideas. That sounded weird.

We've missed too much since I've been gone.  Like, we turned 30.  Damn, I even had to update my profile to say such which was not cool.  But we did have a bad ass '20s style party...

I still have a kid...

And a hot wife... who likes mooses...

We fostered a non-Rottweiler

And even had time for long walks on the... uh... lakefront...

 

 

2010 is going to be a great year!

nick

Is it still October???

So yeah, I guess it's been a couple of months since I've written here huh? Let's just pretend I've been writing here the whole time, k? No? Alright, well, what have I been up to?

Well, for starters, I bought a poker league. Actually, I just bought all the equipment to run a poker league. Fun huh? Unfortunately that means I don't get to play too much these days, but, life is tough I guess.

I also still have a kid. Yup. It's true. And he's also a gambling addict. See?



I also joined Facebook. It's not as emo (cool as hell) as blogging, but it makes me feel like I still have some friends.

I traced Braeden's family tree back to, oh, the beginning of time. Yeah, since I'm still not allowed to blog at work, I had to find something to fill in the time. So I started researching the 'ole family tree. More on that later I would imagine...

I've developed a very unhealthy obsession with Spongebob Squarepants. Well, Braeden and I have. Yeah, I know, it's not the most educational programming television has to offer. But if we ever need to rule a bikini bottom, Braeden and (or more likely, or) I are on top of it. Figuratively, not literally.

I still drink more than I should and enjoy sex.

And I miss blogging more than ever. So begins another more than likely failed attempt at reviving this blog.

nick

Spongebob Squarepants leads to child abuse...

As you probably know, I love Spongebob Squarepants. Who cares about hot child, he watches it because it's all I will allow on the tv. Anyways, to make a long story short, being the music fan I am, I was looking for Spongebob songs on youtube. In particular I was looking for the song Gary Come Home. It's a classic. Observe:



But, soon after I found that, I discovered something so heinous. So. Fucking. Wrong.



Now, don't get me wrong. I would never pick on a kid. His parents on the other hand deserve some serious jail time. For one, if there was some backround music at least, maybe your kid's voice wouldn't sound like a bad car accident. And actually the foot stomping and finger waving don't help. But besides that, who the fuck dressed this kid? Uh... you're going to be on YOUTUBE! Singing! And not very well I might add. The least you could do is, oh I don't know... wear matching clothes?!

Poor, poor kid. Don't worry bud, it's not your fault your parents are assholes.

Sad. So so sad.

Nick

Awesome fall haircut #1

Pumpkins: $2 each

Paint and paint brushes: $6

Letting mom cut your hair: not a good idea

Nick

Ig Nobel is German for stupid...

I haven't written much lately, I know. Mainly because when I usually write, on my lunch hour at work, I have been researching our family tree. It sounds dumb, but as you may or may not know I'm a history fanatic, and really, what better history than your own? Anyways... I thought since I have a second, I'd pop in. And funny you (actually I) should mention pop (or as us Wisconsinites call it - soda).

I read an article today about something called the Ig Nobels. What is that you ask? It's essentially a stupid prize. You create something stupid, research something stupid... you get an award. Because in this country, for some reason, we insist on recognizing, and in some cases rewarding stupidity.

Well kids, one of the latest winners deserves a big fuckin' prize for stupidity. For researching Coke (the soft drink, you druggies) for it's spermicidal qualities. And discovering that it... are you sitting down? BLOWS UP SPERM!

Yeah, that's right. Some dumbass heard that people were using Coke to apparently not get pregnant, tested it, and BLEW UP SPERM! Sperm. Blew it up. With Coke.

"It definitely wouldn't work as a contraceptive because sperm swims so fast," Deborah Anderson said. But Coke made with sugar quickly kills sperm, she said, probably because sperm soak it up. "The sperm just kind of explode," she said in a telephone interview.

Is that supposed to be funny or something? The sperm just kind of explode?

Here's an idea for some research... let's take the building block of life, mix it some with Coke and BLOW IT THE FUCK UP! Better yet, let's take Deborah Anderson, mix her with some Coke, and blow her the fuck up.

Leave. The. Sperm. Alone.

And damn you Coke. Damn you.

Nick

Malti!

Nothing drives a parent to their grave faster than horrible kids music. Luckily we only allow good kids music in our house... like Dan Zanes.







Nick

Mini Me

I would have some interesting posts about my birthday and vacation, if anything interesting happened. But it didn't. Except I sprained my foot.

So, in lieu of interesting topics, here are some pics of Mini Me, as promised.



Nick

Hey boy...

It's been some time since pictures of the boy have been posted. So why not, huh?



Nick

Picture Monday

Been a while since I've posted some pics. Here's some of the boy and a recent home poker game. Aren't everyone just darlin'?

Hello?

Why didn't anyone tell me about this? I'm in love all over again...

I'll post more when I regain consciousness.

Nick

Q & A

steve asks: "your pic shows you with a guitar. you say you were once in a band, but you're not now. why?"

Besides not being that good on guitar? LOL I was never cut out to be in a band really. Don't get me wrong, I love rockin' out, but as far as practicing, and getting gigs and all that... it just isn't me. I'm an introvert, and they don't seem to do well in bands. Unless they're drummers LOL Aside from that, I really have always loved my acoustic more than an electric. Not too many acoustic bands out there :)

steph! asks: "True or False...the opening perfomance of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" in the movie 'Old School' is one of the top ten best opening scenes in a movie?"

It's not really an opening to the movie, but I do love that scene. The Dan Band is funny as hell :) BTW - a little trivia for you, what is THE best opening scene to a movie? The winning answer gets a prize...

"Or...fill-in the following blank: If I had a million dollars I'd" quit my job and sleep all day. And pay off all my bills and buy a new house in the country with a mile long driveway and a kick ass hot tub in the back that we could get naked in :)

"And (because I want to hear this one) how old is your child and do you plan on having anymore?"

Braeden is 8 months old, and no, we don't plan to have anymore. It would just push out the day that I can run around the house naked even further...

Nick

Fuck you Friday, and, Interview time, again...

The interviews strike again. This time it's the little things... flings some questions over. And I answer.


1. I know you have a young child. If I told you the only way he would have a happy life is if you were to walk out right now and never see him again, would you do it?

Consider me gone. The happiness of my child is infinitely more important than mine. I know that even if I wasn't around, he would have a wonderful family structure around him and he would be raised properly. He's a smart boy, I know he would do fine.

2. If the Hot Wife were to leave you tomorrow, what would be your plan to carry out the rest of your life?

I guess the first thing I would do is start looking for an apartment... And then I would hit the bars looking for cute little blonde college girls to take home and (beep) in the (beep). Eat your heart out hot wife.... Hey, you left me, you don't get to tell me what to do anymore!

Honestly, I would probably spend several weeks shocked and depressed. Aside from being my wife, mother to my child and contributor to the household, the hot wife is really my best friend. We essentially do most everything together, and she's the only person in the world that I know I can trust and can tell anything to. That would be a huge hole in my life that I know I would really struggle to fill.

I don't know that I would have a plan. I've never been one to plan. I guess I would just try to take it one day at a time and... fuck, I don't know. I'd be bored, that's for sure.

3. If you could walk away from your current life for one month and go anywhere and do anything and no one would ever find out what it is....what would that be?

Man, would I just love some fucking sleep! I would spend half the time just catching up on sleep. And then I would spend the other half in Vegas at the World Series of Poker, playing every single tournament.

4. If our laws were to suddenly become those of Iran and you were in danger of being labeled a "Corruptor of the World", would you change anything about your lifestyle? If so, what?

I'd probably just move to Canada :) I would not thrive in such a conservative and oppressive society, even if I did make immediate lifestyle changes (stop having sex with the shades open) to avoid being executed. Sooner or later the mullahs would find something to lock me up for (amateur porn websites).

5. If you could bring one person back to life, who would it be?

I would bring the hot wife's father back to life. I would love nothing more to bring my own father back to life, but unlike her, I was fortunate enough to be able to have a father in my life into adulthood. Her father passed away when she was very young and I think it would make a lot of dreams come true for her, and her whole family, to be able to spend time with him. I could also use some boxing lessons :)

And then, even though I've interviewed several of you, rules are rules:

Do YOU want to be interviewed?

Interview rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying "Interview me."

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Nick

Sicko

Bet you thought this post was going to be about Michael Moore. Sorry, only room for one serious topic a month around here...

But, this is an interesting article. Two 14 year old girls were kicked off a Portland, OR city bus for kissing each other.

The girls, both 14, said the driver called them "sickos" after a female passenger complained about their kiss. The driver then stopped the bus along the street and forced them off.

First of all, how prissy and prude do you have to be to complain about two girls kissing on a city bus? It's one thing to not mind your own business, but to go out of your way to complain about it? I thought this was Oregon? Tolerant Oregon...

But second of all, where the hell were all of these girls kissing each other when I was 14? What the hell has happened in the past 13 (gulp) years? Because girls didn't kiss when I was kid. It just didn't happen. It was gay back then. Sick(o). Not to the boys, but to the girls...

I was lucky when I was 13 to have a girl show us her boobs. That was it! We didn't get to watch her make out with her friends... Incidentally, she's now a stripper, so I'm not sure we were the best of influences for her.

I mean, I realize Bill Clinton made oral sex ok for everyone, but what can we point to that made girls kissing other girls ok? What did I miss? I like to consider myself fairly knowledgeable about sexual culture and what not, but I completely missed the boat on this one.

Some days I feel really old...

Nick

vacation

Gas to drive to Wisconsin Dells - $48.00
Beer, chips and sunscreen - $34.57
Pool - $5.00

Splashing the shit out of everything around you for 20 minutes - priceless



Nick

This post is illegal...

Shhh... it's illegal to post these, because they were taken professionally, and aren't technically ours. Sue me...

But, as you may or may not have guessed from a previous post, we're putting our dog to sleep this afternoon. And I've been thinking how much it sucks that Braeden will not be able to grow up with a dog. She was supposed to live for a few years longer. They've already become good buddies. She kisses him and he just laughs...

We're all going to miss her.

Cleo von der Anderung TT, CGC, RTD 6-7-98 ~ 6-8-07

Nick

You can be God too, if you have pets.

There was a point in my life, believe it or not, that I pictured myself never having kids. And I was fine with that. Honestly, I didn't want kids. For one, I was enjoying the freedom we had, the sleeping in, the drinking... And I didn't think I would be any good as a parent. I had never changed a diaper, never held a child in my arms... how the fuck could I possibly be any good at parenting? Some would probably argue that now, even after having done those things, I'm still not any good at parenting... They're probably right, but anywho...

I always knew the hot wife wanted kids. But because of my fear, my selfishness, whatever, I would make excuses to wait. I would always say that we could start trying when the dogs were gone, because it would be easier to not have to worry about them with a kid crawling and running around the house. At the time, I thought they would live to be 12. Or 13. And that would give me a few years to get past the fear, the selfishness, the sleeping in, the drinking.

Actually, if we would have stuck to that excuse, we would start trying Friday night.

Back in August or September '05, I forget exactly when, I woke up one morning with the worst hangover I had probably ever had. We had been trying to start our dream business and kept getting our hopes stomped on every turn we took. So instead of facing reality and moving on, we drank. Night after night. Everything was going in the wrong direction, so when I woke up with this hangover, I decided I needed to make a change. So I stumbled downstairs, holding my head...

"I'm sick of this shit... let's have a kid."

And we did... as you're probably aware. Sometimes my impulsiveness actually does win over my procrastination... And for that, I'm so glad. Because I know, if we didn't have a wonderful child to care for, both our dogs were playing happily in doggie heaven, and I didn't have to worry about anything other than myself... I would probably drink myself into a fucking coma this weekend...

Nick

Is it Memorial Day yet?

I know it's a bit late, but I was going thru some pics from our first parade as a family :) Awww... ain't we cute? Well, the hot wife and Braeden are cute at least, right?



Nick