The sex diet...

Here's an interesting website that I have been playing around with since taking an online health assessment that essentially told me I was a fat pig. In not so many words. Even without signing up, you can browse the nutritional details of just about any food. For example, one of my favorites, the Whopper Jr. from Burger King (responsible for fat pigness) contains way too many fucking calories, way too much fucking fat and, of course, way too much fucking yummy goodness. Actually it contains 410 calories, which is about four times what I should be eating in a given meal.

On the flip side of getting sick seeing how fattening your favorite foods are, you can browse just about every activity you wish you were doing to see how many of those fucking calories you would be burning... if you weren't sitting here reading this blog of course. Which, btw, sitting and reading burns about 100 calories an hour. Or 1/4 of the Whopper Jr.

Now of course the fun part. Well, they don't tell you how many calories you're burning while drinking beer (my guess is it's a lot though), but, they do tell you how many calories you burn while engaging in sexual activity.

According to the wizard who calculates all this crap, passive sexual activity which they specify includes things like light effort kissing and hugging (because who the fuck does that?) burns... are you ready? 83 calories an hour. Which would confirm my theory that no one kisses and hugs for an extended amount of time. Why would you, when sitting and reading burns more calories?

Now we move on to, moderate sexual activity, which I'm not an expert on sexual activity by any means, but I guess would include things like bondage, burning each other with candle wax and swinging (either an actual swing, or another couple... your call). Moderate sexual activity, according to the website, burns 109 calories. Or half a can of coke.

Uh, really? Moderate sexual activity burns the same number of calories as sitting and reading? What the fuck kind of sex are these people having? If you're extending the same amount of energy having sex as you are sitting and reading, maybe you need to rethink your strategy. Like, try moving.

Well, luckily for us that don't play dead when we have sex, they have a category for vigorous sexual activity. Their words, not mine. I guess vigorous sexual activity would include, oh I don't know, farm animals maybe? Sex in a mall bathroom stall? Who knows what the actual definition of vigorous sexual activity may be, but I wouldn't bother with it. It only burns 125 calories an hour. Or half a snickers bar.

Apparently you are better off just going to church and praying that you were having sex, which also burns 125 calories an hour.

So I guess what all this means is that if you've ever heard the excuse "I'm too tired", it's bullshit. You're probably just not all that good with the farm animals. Luckily the lord is though.

Nick