And it makes me ha hahaha hahaha hahahahaha ha hard...
Over the past year or so, as the hot wife was pregnant, and then after we had Braeden, people have asked us how we manage to still have so much sex. Or various other questions dealing with the subject. And I kind of laugh and giggle, because when we talked about having kids, the first thing current parents would say is, "you won't have a sex life anymore". That was after they said we'd never sleep again...
When people told me that having kids pretty much did away with their sex life, what I really heard was - they didn't have much of a sex life to begin with. Yeah, you do have to be a little more creative, and yeah, you are a little more tired than you used to be. But come on... it's just sex. How hard is it?
Serious. I'm curious....
Luckily, with my vast knowledge in marital and sexual relationships, I think I can help. I've come up with some tips to help couples with children get a little more out of their sex life. Or, get one to begin with. Let's roll...
1. Plan ahead. I like to start planning in the morning. A few well placed comments sets the mood for the day, and then makes sure everyone is on the same page that night. I've found that - "hey slut, wanna get naked tonight?" - works better than you would think. Don't wait until 8:30 at night to make your move, chances are you're getting the "I'm watching that dumb show with that hot guy from 7th Heaven" response.
2. Start drinking early. I like to crack the first beer by about 6:00. That way, by the time the kid is crashed out, you've got yourself a nice buzz going. A couple of Jagerbombs, and you're dancing naked on the coffee table (not recommended)... And, by the time he wakes up around 11:00 or 12:00, you've had all the sex you can muster and have sobered up nicely.
3. Bring your own food. If you have kids, you know you never get to eat a decent meal. So why not combine the eating, with the sex? Only, remember that whipped cream contains lots of sugar and is not good in certain places... Stick with the vegetables like celery, carrots, or even cucumbers if you're feeling a little wild and crazy. Fruits make a tasty snack, but again, some are high in sugar... Oh, and don't forget the milk... very, uh, healthy...
4. Let the kid do the videotaping. Just kidding, you should probably not let your kids play with the video camera, if you like to have a working video camera...
5. This is more of a what not to do. Don't leave the baby monitor on when having sex. Unless you have real understanding neighbors...
6. Sometimes you have to speak in age-appropriate code language, but you can be creative and still get the point across. Try these out - "Hey, is that spit up, or are you just really happy to see me?" "Maybe after he goes to sleep, you could give me a bath?" "Did you know I'm not wearing a diaper?"
7. Watch a lot of porn. Not so much for the obvious reasons, but really, nothing makes you feel better about that little bit of baby weight than to watch some of the people they find for porn movies.... Trust me, you'll feel at the top of your game in no time. A good rule of thumb is - the cheaper the porn, the better you feel about yourself.
8. Take 15 minutes together and clean the house up. Maybe it's just us, but isn't it hard to have sex in the kitchen with all those dirty dishes piled up everywhere? But don't remove the toys from the couch cushions, because it's funny when they go off in the middle of... well, whatever it is you're doing on the couch.
9. Shower together. Besides being environmentally responsible, which, as you know I'm big on, there are so many other benefits. It's efficient, you're probably already awake and naked in the shower, it masks some of the sights and sounds, someone's there to wash your back, etc... Just remember that lubricant is not as effective in the shower, so probably not a good idea to play the drop the soap game...
10. When all else fails, get a babysitter. Some people get babysitters so they can go out to eat, or to a show, etc. Get a babysitter, and then go right back home and have sex. It's cheaper, you're not out late, your night won't be ruined by an under-cooked steak or a bad movie and the hot wife and I won't have to gag when we see you walking down the street holding hands like a bunch of high school kids on a date.
Well, hopefully some of these tips will help those of you with children get it on a little more. And then, when someone is having a kid for the first time, you don't have to scare the crap out of them with stupid comments like, "say goodbye to your sex life". It doesn't have to be that way.
Nick
When people told me that having kids pretty much did away with their sex life, what I really heard was - they didn't have much of a sex life to begin with. Yeah, you do have to be a little more creative, and yeah, you are a little more tired than you used to be. But come on... it's just sex. How hard is it?
Serious. I'm curious....
Luckily, with my vast knowledge in marital and sexual relationships, I think I can help. I've come up with some tips to help couples with children get a little more out of their sex life. Or, get one to begin with. Let's roll...
1. Plan ahead. I like to start planning in the morning. A few well placed comments sets the mood for the day, and then makes sure everyone is on the same page that night. I've found that - "hey slut, wanna get naked tonight?" - works better than you would think. Don't wait until 8:30 at night to make your move, chances are you're getting the "I'm watching that dumb show with that hot guy from 7th Heaven" response.
2. Start drinking early. I like to crack the first beer by about 6:00. That way, by the time the kid is crashed out, you've got yourself a nice buzz going. A couple of Jagerbombs, and you're dancing naked on the coffee table (not recommended)... And, by the time he wakes up around 11:00 or 12:00, you've had all the sex you can muster and have sobered up nicely.
3. Bring your own food. If you have kids, you know you never get to eat a decent meal. So why not combine the eating, with the sex? Only, remember that whipped cream contains lots of sugar and is not good in certain places... Stick with the vegetables like celery, carrots, or even cucumbers if you're feeling a little wild and crazy. Fruits make a tasty snack, but again, some are high in sugar... Oh, and don't forget the milk... very, uh, healthy...
4. Let the kid do the videotaping. Just kidding, you should probably not let your kids play with the video camera, if you like to have a working video camera...
5. This is more of a what not to do. Don't leave the baby monitor on when having sex. Unless you have real understanding neighbors...
6. Sometimes you have to speak in age-appropriate code language, but you can be creative and still get the point across. Try these out - "Hey, is that spit up, or are you just really happy to see me?" "Maybe after he goes to sleep, you could give me a bath?" "Did you know I'm not wearing a diaper?"
7. Watch a lot of porn. Not so much for the obvious reasons, but really, nothing makes you feel better about that little bit of baby weight than to watch some of the people they find for porn movies.... Trust me, you'll feel at the top of your game in no time. A good rule of thumb is - the cheaper the porn, the better you feel about yourself.
8. Take 15 minutes together and clean the house up. Maybe it's just us, but isn't it hard to have sex in the kitchen with all those dirty dishes piled up everywhere? But don't remove the toys from the couch cushions, because it's funny when they go off in the middle of... well, whatever it is you're doing on the couch.
9. Shower together. Besides being environmentally responsible, which, as you know I'm big on, there are so many other benefits. It's efficient, you're probably already awake and naked in the shower, it masks some of the sights and sounds, someone's there to wash your back, etc... Just remember that lubricant is not as effective in the shower, so probably not a good idea to play the drop the soap game...
10. When all else fails, get a babysitter. Some people get babysitters so they can go out to eat, or to a show, etc. Get a babysitter, and then go right back home and have sex. It's cheaper, you're not out late, your night won't be ruined by an under-cooked steak or a bad movie and the hot wife and I won't have to gag when we see you walking down the street holding hands like a bunch of high school kids on a date.
Well, hopefully some of these tips will help those of you with children get it on a little more. And then, when someone is having a kid for the first time, you don't have to scare the crap out of them with stupid comments like, "say goodbye to your sex life". It doesn't have to be that way.
Nick
Labels: '08 election, kids, love, the hot wife
posted by Nick at
12:08 PM
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