Tacos

Ah yes. Videos. Videos are fun, aren't they? Well, let's take a gander at a video including me, debating the various theories of relativity... and, how I got ripped on my dinner order.



Nick

Liquor in the front, poker in the rear...

Around the end of last year I started tracking my poker tournament entries using Excel. I track my placements, number of entries, entry fees and winnings. I haven't played a lot of tournaments yet, but looking back over the ones I have played in, it's obvious there are ups and downs. In six tournaments I've tracked, I've done well in three and poorly in three. Most noticeably, I've done poorly in the last two, and that's frustrating for me.


If there is one thing about my life that I think has bothered me as I've gotten old, it's that there isn't really anything that I can point to that I'm really good at. Except performing oral sex, which the hot wife (who has never been with anyone else...) tells me I'm the best at. Though, that's not something you would put on a resume for example. Unless, you were applying for a porn star role perhaps. I'm getting off track here.

I guess where I'm going with this is, dammit, there's got to be something that I am really good at. Other than giving oral sex. I mean, I'm not sure I want someone to stand up at my funeral and say, "while average at most things, he sure could please his wife with the best of them". Who wants to hear that?

Nope, it's got to be poker. I've got to focus. I've got to be the best. Or at least one of the best. Obviously, with a gazillion poker players these days, that's a hard thing to quantify. So, I think I need to set some trackable goals with some type of reward for progress.

As it stands now, my average finish over six tournaments is 15th out of 38 entries, or about 40%. My goal by the end of the year is to have an average finish in the top 25%.

So now, I have a goal - average finish in the top 25% by EOY. I have a tracking source - my trusty Excel spreadsheet. And I have the opportunity - I've joined a poker league that plays on Fridays and Sundays thru June, so I should be able to play at least once a week. Now I just need a reward for hitting my goal. It's got to be something that I really want. But what do I want? I guess we could make a list of some of the things I want...

1. anal sex from the hot wife
2. oral sex from the hot wife
3. any sex from the hot wife
4. a vacation somewhere warm (including sex with hot wife)
5. a new car (with room to have sex with hot wife in)

Hmm.. Tough decisions. What do you guys think should be my reward for hitting my poker average finish goal???

Nick

Picture Saturday

Since we're stuck in a blizzard and can't leave the house... figure we might as well take some pictures. People always kind of cringe when they hear we have a child living with two Rottweilers.

"How are the dogs with the baby?"

"Won't they snap and eat him?"

Yup. It's really only a matter of time, as you can see...

Anyways, on to the blizzard. These are from last night.




These are from this morning. It gets better though, so they say. Tonight and tomorrow we are supposed to get between 8-14 inches, on top of what we got last night.




More pics tomorrow!

Nick

Crime, crime, everywhere is crime...

You know, you all really need not worry about the wonderful (read: non-affluent) part of town that Braeden is going to grow up in. I mean, sure, we've had people get robbed at gun point one street over. But they didn't pay for their weed... What do you expect? It's not like people are being stabbed right around our house.

Wait, yes they are.

Not too long ago, there was an argument about 4 houses down from us that resulted in someone being stabbed.

Exhibit A


Ok, no biggie. Right? Isolated incident. Well, according to police reports, on Wednesday night, someone else was stabbed a few houses in the other direction.

Exhibit B


Why stabbings? Why can't we get some real violence... like shootings. Muggings. Rapes. Child abductions. Anyone can stab someone, that's no fun.

I guess that's why the newspaper labels our neighborhood non-affluent. We can't even attract real criminals.

Nick

Artsy product of the week

When I was younger we lived in an old house that still had radiators. And we had chairs.

Now, with this idea, you can have both as well! I would like it, because it would keep my ass warm on those cold Wisconsin winter nights. Ya know... sometimes I just stand in front of the fireplace with my pants around my ankles and let the fire warm my ass. Ahhhhhh....

Anyways, I like this idea. Like most products, radiators could be modernized a little and be much more successful.

Hat tip - designboom

Nick

Mmmmm... that's a yummy looking steak!

Well, well, well... Fat Tuesday. Or, Mardi Gras if you're French. As we all know, Mardi Gras in the good 'ole US of A is synonymous with New Orleans. And why not? Why not party in a place where you will surely be killed by random gunfire if you stand still too long? Where hustlers and dirty women stand duty on every street corner. Where if the weather and insects won't kill you, the drinks will. Drinks so appropriately named... hurricanes. Sick, sick people. Ask and you shall receive I guess...

In case you can't tell, I hate New Orleans. It's a festering sore on the ass of the country, and I never rejoiced so much to see it under sewag... er, water. If you're interested, you can read some posts I've written about New Orleans and a wonderful little lady named Katrina.

http://iamdum.blogspot.com/2005/08/you-go-katrina.html

http://iamdum.blogspot.com/2006/08/infamy-of-katrina.html

And then go stuff yourself and prepare for 40 days of torturing yourself in the name of God. Suckers.

Nick

The Second Annual i think washing your hands is stupid... Awards

Well, buckle up bitches, it's time for the Second Annual i think washing your hands is stupid... Awards. I started doing this last year because, well, the Grammys is for rich people. And also, I never win any damn awards, so you might as well!

If you don't remember from last year, you don't actually win anything for these awards, except my undying gratitude for entertaining me. Or something. On with the show!!

The first award is the Funny Award. For her continuation post on 10 MORE Things I (She) Would Enjoy During A WI Winter... Lulu: Chispa. See folks, writing about Wisconsin does get you special favors.

Next up, the Hip Award. This goes to the blogger I think is the hippest, and I would probably enjoy hanging with if we ever got the chance. Lawryde from Pure Gonzo Engineering and the Mrs. I don't know... something tells me after a few beers, the political conversation would be real interesting. Just kidding, you shouldn't mix alcohol with politics. Maybe we'll stick to hockey...

Now, the best blog design award. I'm not sure what is up with all those splat things, but the design is unique and creative. And that's the award I say. It goes to My Splatter Painted Life. Get funky.

And now the Loyalty and Support Award. Loyalty and support when it comes to blogging is hard to come by. Readers come and readers go, it's just the nature of the beast. But when someone is there for the long haul, you feel like you know that person, even though you've maybe never met. For being here the longest, never judging me, and leaving comments just about everywhere, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy... The Loyalty and Support Award for the second year in a row goes to Dawn from, well, wherever the hell she blogs these days. Thanks Dawn.

The next award is for the Most Inspirational Blogger. If you read her blog, it's a no brainer. B from Relaxed Alert. Your writing really does mean a lot to a lot of people.

The next award is for Best Daddy Blog. You gots to have one of those awards. Anywho, for their collective blogging from daddyhood and cool name - The Blogfathers. Incidentally, they are looking for new daddy blogging talent, if you know of any other good daddy bloggers.

And, with that, the Best Mommy Blog. Not that we need any more pictures of your daughter on the toilet, but she is a cutie, and obviously very loved. sloppy kisses.

The Best 80s TV Party Post Award. A while back some of us took a trip down memory lane and posted about our 80s experiences. While it was supposed to relate to 80s tv, which is clearly unrivaled, some took it in a different direction and posted about the 80s in general. For including a picture with a real, live Black Flag flyer in the backround, and an Ice T reference... it's the little things... Clearly we were all much cooler in the 80s.

The final award today is the Creativity Award. This is the most important feature for a blog to me. It keeps me coming back, wondering what will be written that day. It is seldom the same over and over. And the Creativity Award goes to - me dammit. It's 'bout damn time I win something you selfish bastards.

Thanks guys, you make the world go around.

Nick

I can't get no...

The bottom line to this post is that I haven't been getting a lot of sex lately, because apparently the whole world is sick. And not that I would be having sex with the whole world, but, the hot wife is part of it, and thus, no sex. Get all that? So we're all sick and not having sex. But because we're sick we've been basically living on cough medicine and cough drops. And beer. Because cough medicine just doesn't have enough alcohol in it.

Anyways, yesterday this friend asked me if I was going to Las Vegas to go to the Kitchen and Bath show this year. Which I'm not, because if I went to Las Vegas, it wouldn't be to go to some stuffy work related thing. What happens in Vegas should not relate to work. It kind of goes with that whole saying - don't get your meat where you get your bread... make your bread? Whatever.

And then some contract agency contacted me about a job.

So, I'm having this dream last night and it seems so real, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm sick and not sleeping well, or what. But we're in Vegas, we're drunk, and we're having sex. And then the phone rings. And normally I wouldn't answer the phone during sex, because, you know, who wants to hear that in the backround? But I'm waiting for this phone call about a job, so I answer it. It's about the job.

guy calling about the job: I'm calling about the job.
me: ok
guy calling about the job: oh wait, we're going to have to check this out.
me: check what out?
guy calling about the job: well, your blood sugar level is high.
me: is that bad?
guy calling about the job: uh, yeah dumbass.

Do you get it? Everything else in the dream has happened, except for the bit about the high blood sugar.

And then I'm driving into work this morning and I hear this thing on NPR about doping and bike racing, and how your biological markers can change when your sick. And that makes sense, because I've been living on this cough stuff, which, I haven’t checked the labels, but I'm sure contain sugar. Doesn't everything?

Is it bad that all I want to do is go back to sleep so I can call this guy back and tell him that my blood sugar is high because I'm sick? You'd think I would want to go back to sleep so I can have more drunk sex. That's how bad being sick messes with you.

And now an announcement. Within the next few days... the Second Annual i think washing your hands is stupid... Awards. Stay tuned.

Nick

Picture Monday

A buddy of mine and myself took the kids to watch the Milwaukee Admirals play Saturday. Good times, great seats, but I didn't manage to get any pics of the fight that wondered right in front of us. I was too busy with a beer in my hand pounding on the glass and yelling, "KICK HIS ASS!" I'm going to make a great father... someday...



Nick

Artists of the week

I can tell B will need a little prodding to check out the Garrison Starr/Amy Correia show coming up right in her back yard in March :) So, let's all take a listen to some of my favorite songs by both artists and apply the pressure.

Shows like this don't come around often and are well worth taking a vacation day for. I would be very excited if they both came to Wisconsin, but nothing is showing in the immediate future.

Amy Correia - Day Dream Car

Garrison Starr - Superhero
Garrison Starr - Grounded

Nick

The world is my lesbian wedding...

* Ah, back to the grind today. Unfortunately sick boy has now gotten dad sick, and dad doesn't feel like burning more vacation in February, so he's stuck at work.

* I have this uncanny knack for picking up on little snippets from TV shows and commercials, which is how I got my blog name in the first place. It was some TV commercial and there were these kids saying the weirdest things. One kid says "i think washing your hands is stupid..." and I knew I had to have it. Well, the other night we were watching Friends (there was nothing else on) and Chandler and Joey were talking. Joey says something about a lesbian wedding, and Chandler says: "the world is my lesbian wedding." That's a great quote. Besides being funny, it is so true for a married man like myself. Since I will only have sex with one woman the rest of my life (the hot wife), the rest of ya'll might as well be lesbians. Do I come up with the best ideas, or what?

* Let's do another artsy product. This one being not so artsy, but, maybe, thought provoking. It's basically a grill that sits on a railing (probably not wood), intended for apartment users apparently. But, it kind of makes you think. These days they make grills so damn big, and they all pretty much look the same. You either have the round looking Weber that uses charcoal, or the bigger stainless steel muthas that use gas. I think they could expand the grill offerings and have some success. Anywho. The designer is Henrik Drecker. His website doesn't seem to work, but I found this at Designboom.



Neat.

Nick

Artsy product of the week

Another sick day for the boy, another day off of work for dad. C asked about the vacuum which she very observantly noticed in the backround of the picture I posted yesterday. And I have been meaning to post about this in my artsy products category.

The vacuum is a Dyson, the DC07, which is the older of the available models. While it retails for just shy of $400, it is a vacuum you should not live without. When they say on the commercial that this thing doesn't lose suction, and you say to yourself, "bullshit, every vacuum loses suction"... You're making a fool of yourself. This thing will suck the damn skin off your arm if you get it too close. We've used it to remove drywall from walls before...

Trust me when I make a vacuum recommendation. We've had many many many many many shitty vacuums. But with four animals and a baby, we knew we needed the best. We sucked it up (pun intended) and dropped the four Benjamins for the Dyson. Well worth our money.

You know what the best thing about the Dyson is though? It's long cord. I can get to every corner of either floor without unplugging it. Plus, the hose on this thing, can easily get up 20 or so stairs with the unit remaining on the ground level. So no hauling the thing up as you vacuum stairs.

If I was rich, these would be the Christmas presents I would give. But I'm not, so buy your own.

Nick

Sick boy

Ah, what the heck, since I have some time... some new pics of the boy. Taken with our new digital camera. We're still getting the feel for the camera :)



Nick

Gators do it...

* I have some time to post while our sick little baby boy sleeps. He's come down with some congestion, and is coughing a little :( It's -30 here... what can one expect? Of course, not like he's sleeping outside.

* Anywho. We got a new digital camera since we dropped our old one repeatedly off the bar floor that night I won the barrel party. And since we bought a new digital camera, we figured we might as well pick up a photo printer from Dell. Which is where we bought said camera.

Well, I haven't had a whole lot of luck getting the flatbed scanner on the printer to work. It works, and I can scan pics in, but not like it should. Yet. But, since I was messing around with it, I was scanning in a few pictures to see how bad the not-right-way-of-working was. Semi-bad, but one of the pictures we took in Florida when we were both sick and went to the Tampa Bay Aquarium. It just goes so well with my post from a few days ago.

I call it... Gators do it.



Nick

Even better!

Where's my global warming???

Nick

I swear to tell the truth. The whole truth.

I was invited this morning to testify in front of Congress on anal sex



Senator: Is it your opinion that anal sex is an activity women should be required to engage in from time to time?



Me: yes.





















Nick

Your kid's a pussy...

Just. Get. A. Load. Of. This. I wish I could make shit like this up, but I'm not that creative.

Bicycle riders can now legally ride on sidewalks in New Berlin (WI), and, thanks to Alderman John Hopkins, they can ride with no hands on the handlebars.



At its Jan. 23 meeting, the Common Council approved the ordinance, which came along with a list of 23 rules and regulations for bike riders.

"No rider shall take both hands off the handles or ride recklessly in any other manner," was rule number 10.



The rules range from requiring lights on bikes ridden at night to yielding to pedestrians. Rules require moving in the same direction as road traffic and prohibit towing another bicycle.

"Riding crosswise and curving to and fro" also is prohibited by the rules.



Alderman Bill Moore praised the Safety Committee for coming up with the ordinance, adding it is important to have guidelines.

"It gives police something to fall back on if someone causes an accident," he said.

I just don't understand how we've gotten to this point in this country. Let's just face it, we're a country full of sissies. Riding a bike with no hands, curving to and fro? I've already made my feelings known on wearing bike helmets, but at least I can understand how some would be concerned with their kid falling and cracking their head open. But riding a bike with no hands? Curving to and fro?

If the 80s us could fast forward to now, they would so kick our asses.

Ya know... when I teach Braeden to ride a bike, I think I might just intentionally push him into a tree a couple of times. Just to toughen the little fucker up a bit.

Nick