Art of the, well... lifetime...

I figured with a baby coming, I should probably get a head start on Christmas shopping for this year. So I asked the hot wife what she would like this year. Of course, she wants what every woman wants this year for Christmas...

The Orgasmatron 3000





Guys, you can pick yours up from Dominic Wilcox's website (no pun intended).

Nick

I'm not breaking up with you... yet...

* I know it's been quite some time since I posted. Don't think that I don't know. It's not because I've been busy either. I haven't. It's just that, well, I don't like this blog anymore. Or rather, I don't like blogging in general anymore. I don't know why my attitude towards blogging is so negative lately. Maybe it's because I haven't had anything exciting happen to me lately worth telling anyone about, or maybe because my traffic consists of the same three people who likely only come here out of some weird internet induced obligation, or maybe because... oh, what good does it do...

* I did have a post last week asking for help raising money for Juvenile Diabetes. I'm hoping to play one or more poker tournaments where the money is all for Juvenile Diabetes, except that there is a chance to go to some bigger tournaments where I could get rich if I win. I doubt any of you would care to donate or help publicize it, so I took the post down after like five minutes. Plus I hate asking for money. I know, playing poker for charity, don't go too crazy helping the needy...

* Can't you just feel the negativity? Don't worry, I'm happy with everything else in my life. It's only this blog that brings me down.

* Speaking of being happy with everything else, I know some of you are following our quest to procreate. Maybe all three of you are, I don't know. But should you care, it could be any day or even minute. The doctor said last Thursday he could very well come before this Thursday. Which of course, being the incredibly impatient couple we are, piqued our hopes for this weekend, but alas, t'was not meant to be. The hot wife is hoping for a Halloween birth, because, how cool would those birthday parties be? My money is still on 11/4, although I really like the official due date of 11/11. If he comes early, any date is fine with me.

* Speaking of halloween, trick or treating sucked this year. Besides for my nephews plundering all of our costumes last minute, we had a total of about five kids come by the house. And two of them weren't even dressed up as anything. I think mostly because we live in the "non-affluent" part of town. Most kids, being smart these days, and carted around by their lazy ass parents in cars, head to the more "affluent" parts of Anytown, Wisconsin. Now we're stuck with all the shitty candy, being that we ate all the good stuff pre-Halloween.

* We went to a reception this weekend and in speaking with someone from out of town, she went on and on about how the development that she lived in was such an "affluent" area. Beautiful, just beautiful, with golf courses, and gracious living, and wonderful landscaping. It took everything for me not to mention how we live in such a "non-affluent" area, or so according to our local newspaper. A place where kids won't even go trick or treating. Where outside of our yard, we can't guarantee you won't be stabbed, or if you buy a pound of weed, you better pay for it, or expect to be robbed at gun point... And our recent attempt at landscaping only two thirds survived. That's how bad it is where we live.

* I think if anything, I'm ready to have this baby so people stop telling me how it's going to be. "Oh, you're not going to get any sleep" or "Your life is going to change" and "blah blah blah". Do people revel in telling other people how miserable their life is going to be when they have kids? Does it make them feel better? "Really? My life will never be the same, I can forget about sleeping and sex, and eating, and all my clothes will have puke on them and my walls will be covered with crayon and snot, and my kid's going to wake up in the middle of the night and barf all over the new carpet some day? Please tell me more!!!"

* And then they always say, "Oh, but kids are so wonderful and cute and they just make you laugh and smile and all you want to do is hug them and hold them". And to myself I just wish he was already here so I could hold him up by the ear and say, "Really? This one must be fuckin' defective then..."

Nick

Do you know the real me? I mean, do you?

Maybe it's because I'm not cliquey enough, or just because despite reading my blog, no one likes me. But I never get tagged for those meme things. And there has always been one question I would have liked to answer, but have never gotten the chance. There was a meme floating around some time ago that asked if you thought your readers had an accurate depiction of the real you, based from your blog.

Since I never got that one thrown my way, I will answer it on my own. Because I'm independent like that... I don't need you people telling me what to do. Well, the answer is no. I don't think you guys know the real me based from my blog.

A lot of people I read are great writers. From childhood, they've aspired to be writers, and it shows. I've never been that person. While I think it would be cool to be a writer, I just don't have it in me. I'm a shitty writer. Boo hoo. And I think that leads to people having a distorted view of who I really am. And then they think I'm crass, I want to beat my kids, I'm a dead nuts Fox News watching conservative, womanizing, drunk and druggie.

True, I may be some of those things, but not in the way you might think from reading my blog. For instance, I'm only a womanizer when I'm drunk. And I'm only a drunk when the hot wife lets me out for a couple of hours to play poker with my friends. And there are no women when we play poker... which is why she lets me go. She's awesome like that. Hi honey!

I wish I was a better writer. But after 2 years of writing in a blog, I have to come to the realization that I'm just not someone who can draw in the huge crowds and become famous, and then make a middle to upper class living on Gooooooogle ads.

But just because I'm a shitty writer, doesn't mean you all need to have the distorted view of me that you obviously do. Or you wouldn't say things like "I hope you jump off a bridge and your parachute doesn't open." Not that anyone has said that to me, but if you knew me, you would know there's no way I would parachute off anything unless I absolutely had to. I'm afraid of anything over 10 feet in the air, remember?

Maybe some time we could have a question and answer period, and you could all ask me questions about me, like, "what's your favorite poker hand?" (A8) or maybe, "how did your wife possibly fall in love with a jackass like you?", (drugs), then I could have the opportunity to set the record straight. Maybe. Or maybe my shitty writing style would just make the problem worse.

I should probably just stick to super-imposing myself in pictures of large sorority girls on the beach huh?

"what's super-impose?"

$5 for anyone who guesses correctly where that quote comes from.

Nick

Art of the week

WOW! Wait... don't you think your hands would get cold?

Even if, these are just awesome. Get your own from Lego... if you live in another country...

Nick

Just because your kid's a pussy...

This past summer I went to watch my nephew's baseball game. He was playing our friend's boy's team and we sat together in the stands. Somewhat through the game, as one team was being thoroughly humiliated, I looked over to their bench. The only two watching the game were the coaches. The kids we jumping on the benches, hanging from the rafters of the dugout, running around, doing anything but paying attention to what was going on and learning from the ass whooping their team was getting. I commented to my friend, who has coached in different sports, that it was disgusting to watch. I said I would not only not put up with it, the kids would be running laps until the bottoms of their shoes wore out if they acted like that on my team. Discipline, I said, was the key to learning. It's something I believe in strongly.

"You can’t discipline someone else's kids, they'd make sure you never coach again. We don't even keep score anymore, because some kids can be 'hurt' if the lose."

I thought about that. It couldn't possibly be true. Are we so afraid of hurting our kid's feelings, that we can't even tell them that they lost the game? That they were not as good as the other team?

"It's ok honey, you did your best, we'll go get some ice cream, and you can go home and watch cartoons."

What are you going to tell me next, we aren't going to let kids play tag, for fear they will get hurt? That's exactly what you would tell me. Because it's true.

"Officials at an elementary school south of Boston have banned kids from playing tag, touch football and any other unsupervised chase game during recess for fear they'll get hurt and hold the school liable."

"Recess is 'a time when accidents can happen,' said Willett Elementary School Principal Gaylene Heppe, who approved the ban."

Can you just imagine this old hag? If I was a parent, and my kid went to this school, I would punch this bitch right in the face.

"Elementary schools in Cheyenne, Wyo., and Spokane, Wash., also recently banned tag during recess. A suburban Charleston, S.C., school outlawed all unsupervised contact sports."

"Another Willett parent, Celeste D'Elia, said her son feels safer because of the rule. 'I've witnessed enough near collisions,' she said."

Good lord. This is the world our kids are supposed to grow up in? Not only can we not discipline them or let them know their team sucks ass, because we might hurt their feelings... We can't let them fucking play tag, because there might be a near collision?

How? How did we possibly come to this point. We're talking about parents who grew up in the 70s and 80s for the most part. How the hell did we live in that era and become such ninnies with our kids? When I went to school we played on gravel. And there were chain link fences that kids would get caught in. And we played TACKLE FUCKING FOOTBALL! And smear the queer. Now they can't even play TAG???? Touch football is too dangerous??!?!?

I'm not fit to be a parent. I'm just not. Can you just imagine the looks I will get when my fucking kid is the only one NOT wearing a helmet when he's riding his bike? I'm going to be crucified by these people. How dare I put my child in such danger!

I vow the following, crucify at will:

To not make my kid wear a helmet, unless he's playing hockey.
To smack my kid upside the head when he's being an asshole.
To not let my kid watch cartoons past five years old.
To tell him his team lost when they lose.

Somewhere in the last 20 years we became a bunch of pussies. I'm almost ashamed that I would bring someone into the world where they have to deal with people like Principal Gaylene Heppe or parent Celeste D'Elia.

"Recess is a time when accidents can happen."

If I ever say something so stupid, just kill me on the spot.

Nick

So close, yet so far away...

The hot wife and I have been talking lately about how nervous we are about the upcoming birth of our child. I won't lie, I'm nervous. Big time. But I have no doubt that the hot wife will do such a great job. She will easily show up the most experienced child bearers.

In fact, you all have no idea how amazing this woman has been throughout the whole pregnancy. As a man and husband, I really couldn't ask for anything else. She hardly ever complains, and when she does, it's about minor stuff like her feet are sore, or her back hurts.

I had a flu shot today, and easily complained more than she has through nine months of pregnancy.

She never has an unreasonable request.

She still allows me freedom, even though I probably don't deserve it.

She has become very educated about the pregnancy, child birth and parenting.

She's hot as hell.

Crazy hotness this woman is. Crazy. Hot. Ness.

Nick

Arto of the Weeko

Wow. I don't have an Ipod anymore, because mine was a piece of shit and the battery went to shit, but if I did, this would be mine.

I even have this exact Sony model walkman.

Cool. http://www.retropod.com/

By the way, you can't buy them. Apparently Sony was not too enthused with the idea. Bummer.

Nick

I'm just making sure you know...

* I stayed home sick yesterday. It was great to have a day to myself. But here's a little tip, should you decide to follow my lead. Don't go back to work. Ever. Because everything you've worked on for the last two years will be fucked up, in one day.

* That's the first time I've written out fucked. We are ending the censorship, starting with this post.

* Do you ever have one of those days that starts out really bad, like, say, everything you've worked on for two years is crashing on you. And you were out yesterday, so it just piled up for you? But then as the day goes on, you start to put out the fires, and it gets a little better? Me neither. Just kidding, it's getting better, slowly.

* Well, I was in my first poker tournament with real people this past weekend. I took fifth out of 30 people. I made the final table though, which is better than I could have hoped for, and considering the crappy ass cards I got all night, was pretty damn good, I think. Put it this way, if it was a tournament to see how many king/3s you could have dealt to you, I wouldn't have been able to see over my chip stack. Put it another way, I went out with 8/9 suited. That was probably my fourth best hand all night, and I still beat 24 other people.

Another good thing about that, I went with two buddies. We all made the final table, and one of my buddies won. Over $500. Not bad for a $25 buy-in. So first, fifth and sixth went to us. Not bad for a couple of city schmucks with a combined about five tournaments under our belt.

* I also gained entry into a tournament online with a $100,000 prize. I'm just making sure you know, because I've been known to not tell people about this... Actually, apparently the other day I was so excited, I told the hot wife about it on several different occasions.

* I also once had Hulk Hogan's autograph, but I lost it. I'm just making sure you know.

* I've always been pretty adamant about not getting a flu shot. I've never had one. But now I guess with a baby, it probably wouldn't be such a bad idea. I wouldn't say that I'm disappointed this kid is causing me to neglect my core values... let's just say it's not going unnoticed. By the way, you won't be my friend by emailing me and telling me what a moron I am for even considering not getting a flu shot. So think about it.

* I had something else, but I got side tracked and now lunch is over.

Nick

Art of the week

Sometimes you smack yourself and wonder, "why didn't I think of that?"

This simple little thing from the London Design Show.

Photo credit - Design Engine

Nick

Undermine this you bitch...

"Gambling is a serious addiction that undermines the family, dashes dreams, and frays the fabric of society."

So says Bill f$*& head Frist in regards to using a Port Security bill to pass a ban on funding online gaming accounts. Because dammit, Bill Frist and the rest of his jackass politician buddies, who make more than you and I combined for doing just about nothing, know exactly how you and I should spend our money. And heaven forbid we spend it on something that undermines the family. Dashes dreams. Frays the fabric of the almighty American society. As opposed to sending high school interns emails telling them to strip down to nothing and take pictures, which apparently does none of those things that gambling online does.

Frays the fabric of society people! Incidentally, betting on horse races does not undermine the family, dash dreams, nor fray the fabric of society... One wonders, do the politicians in our great capital have horse fetishes? First they ban the slaughter of horses for food, and then they explicitly allow horses to be forced to run around in circles for the amusement and, gasp, GAMBLING of spectators?

Honestly, is online gambling that much worse than the other sins that are swept under the rug and/or completely legal in this country? Do not other activities fray the fabric of society? I think so. Let's indulge in a top 10 of things that fray the fabric of society, shall we?

1. Guns. Duh... Have you read the news lately? Sure, some will say, guns don't kill people, people kill people. I agree.

2. People. With guns. Who are not all there. See #1.

3. Cell phones. Does not speaking on a cell phone while waiting in a drive-thru line fray the fabric of society? It sure as hell frays the fabric of my sanity. Or what about those cyborg ear pieces people wear now, walking around, talking to themselves. Does your ARM NOT EXTEND TO YOUR EAR, ROBOT?!?!?!

Moving. On.

4. United States Rep. Mark Foley, whom recently resigned after it was discovered (last year) he sent "overly friendly" emails to high school pages working for the government. "Sure, we knew he was sending overly friendly emails to high school boys, but where's the harm in that? Online poker, not pedophilia, is the real dream dasher in this country!"

5. Chuck Norris. Trust me, when Chuck Norris round house kicks you to the face, your dreams will be dashed.

6. Walmart. All their cheap prices... and and... employees... and and... infrastructure requirements... and and... anti-union activities... Clearly undermining the family.

7. The Catholic Church. Another group of people, besides Congress, with a strange liking for underage boys. You know, the Catholic Church and Congress actually have quite a bit in common. They both have way too much money, they're all pompous assholes who are accountable to no one, and they are not safe in the presence of young boys. Hmm. Weird.

8. Al Qaeda. 'Member those guys? Pretty sure they still want to either convert us to radical Islam or kill us. Hmmm.. Should we go after Al Qaeda or the average Joe playing a little poker in his living room after working all day... Tough call.

9. Wife Swap. Is this not the definition of undermining the family???

10. Guys who wear pink shirts. This doesn't really undermine the family, dash dreams or fray the fabric of society, but that doesn't mean it's a good thing to do.

So, see, there are things far worse than online gambling that we should be focused on as a society. If you agree, and I trust you do, vote Libertarian on November 7th. Send the Republicans and Democrats a message that we hate them and all they stand for, and we just want to play some cards online. K? Can you do that for me? Great, I knew I loved you all for a reason...

Nick