Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The stuff dreams are made of...

- I've had this low grade cold for the last couple of days. I played it off for the weekend and just dealt with it. It's been more of a nuisance than anything. Last night I was finally able to take advantage of it, and took the stuff that dreams are made of. Nyquil. I absolutely. Love. Nyquil. It's heroine for those of us who used to get high all the time, but are now drug free. For the record, I never did heroine...

But I really think the people who make Nyquil should get some special priviledges in life. Maybe we could let them drive in the car pool lane or go to the front of the line at the grocery store. Something special for a special group of people that I just want to hug and lick and hump. I love you Nyquil maker people.

- *note to self - do not eat Taco Bell for lunch today. Please.

- I just got Mason Jennings new album, Boneclouds, in the mail yesterday. I even splurged and got the package that included the Be Here Now single, signed by Mason Jennings. I'm always leery about getting things the mail that are supposedly signed by someone famous. If you don't see them sign it, how do you know they really did? Oh well. The album is good, but I really like his live stuff better. I have only briefly listened, but so far no harmonica which is a bummer. A lot of piano though.

- Welcome back Lulu.

- The past weekend was a good time. The hot wife and I went to Wisconsin Dells for a little R and R. It was holy shit hot! Some highlights included winning $160 playing slots at the casino, sucking up the golf course and sleeping on the world's most uncomfortable couch bed.

I really wanted to play poker in the casino, but I admit I have no idea how casinos work. There was a poker room, but it was roped off and I knew if I crossed that line I would be immediately tackled by some overweight Indian casion workers. 90% of the Indians working in casinos are over 100 years old or vastly overweight. Strange. Anyways, how the hell do you get into the secret poker rooms at casinos? I really hate playing slots, but it just so happened to work out this weekend and I won. I don't really like winning at slots either. You always feel like as soon as you stand up, you're getting whacked from behind. The stares you get are uncomfortable to say the least...

Golf. Oh you whore, golf. This is how I always play golf... Start bad. Get a little better. Take a dive. Get pissed. Get worse. Get a little better. Finish. I guess I play golf a lot like I have sex. Inconsistent at best...

- The weather in Wisconsin is fun. It's either holy shit cold, holy shit hot or raining. Those are the three seasons, cold, hot and raining.

- I'm done.

Nick

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Dear Nick

Ever since the hot wife got pregnant, I have to admit that our sex life has been a bit lighter. Which isn't a big deal, I don't mind the break. It's tiring having sex ten times a week for four months.

But you know, the boys haven't been all that excited about the break. They're starting to rebel. So, as they do every so often, like here, here and here... they have decided to write one of their world famous poems. It's called, appropriately, Dear Nick. It sounds so familiar... but I just can't put my finger on why...


Dear Mr. I'm too good to call on my boys
This'll be the last poem we ever write your ass
It's been four months and still not much sex
We don't deserve it
We did that one job that got you here perfect

So this is our poem we're writing you. We hope you read it
We're in the car right now. We're doing 90 on the freeway
Hey Nick we did a bunch of Jager Bombs, can we have sex now?
You know that song by Phil Collins - In the Air of the Night
About that guy who could've saved that other guy
From drowning but didn't and Phil saw it all and at his show he found him?
That's kinda how this is
You could've rescued us from drowning
But its too late we're on a thousand downers now. We're drowsy
And all we wanted was some drunken sex or a call
I hope you know we ripped all your pictures off the wall
We loved you Nick, we could have been together
Think about it. You ruined it now.
I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream, I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it
I hope your conscious eats at you and you can't breathe without us

Hmmm...

Nick

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I wanna be a cowboy, you can be my cowgirl...

Last night as we were driving home from dinner at my mother's house, we passed some horses off in the fields.

hot wife - "I can't ride a horse for another year."

me - "You can ride a horse, you just can't fall off a horse."

hot wife - "No, you're not supposed to ride a horse when your pregnant. It's too bumpy."

So sex is ok when your pregnant, but riding a horse is too bumpy? Does that mean she shouldn't be on top and I should not do the wild thrashing and horse noises that she has oh so loved to this point?

Have you ever watched a porn, or just two people having sex (if you're that freaky), and the guy is going at it so hard that you just think to yourself, "that mustn't feel good for her..." Or him (if you're that freaky). Don't get me wrong, I understand that at some points during sex, emotions take over and you can do some pretty crazy stuff... I was even bitten one time.

That's right. Bitten.

But to go at it with such force as to cause shortening of the spine on your partner is one thing I have never quite understood. I guess you have to dig back into the genetics of aggressive apes or something to understand why men do some of the things they do... Of course, when you watch porn, you are not exactly watching the cream of the crop as far as men go. Which is another thing I have never fully understood. Where do they get the men that are featured in porn? Homeless shelters? Some of them are down right nasty. It's tiring holding your hand up to block one half of the tv all the time.

I wouldn't want to be in porn, actually having sex. But ya know... I wouldn't mind being the weird guy off in the corner watching though. He's always so mysterious. You see him, and you're like, "who the hell is that guy?" Then you feel pretty sad, because you're not watching people have sex anymore. You're watching someone who is watching people have sex.

That is sad.

Nick

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I'll be the winner!

I have to admit... I didn't think I would make it this far...

http://therealdilf.blogspot.com/2006/04/i-wanna-be-like-k-fed.html

Nick

I won't leave now for then...

How about that for a blog post title? You don't even know what it means, do you? Don't feel bad, I don't either.

You know how you sometimes think back to your wonderful school days and say, "oh, if only I were still in high school..." It seems like such the life sometimes. No full time job. You still live with your parents. No mortgage. Or outrageous cell phone bills...

Oh wait, they probably do have that.

Well, having just finished up three interviews with high school students for a Youth Apprenticeship program... I no longer want to go back to high school. Sometimes kids just remind you of all the things that you hated about being a kid. Lately that has been the case with every kid over a year old.

Do I sound old and crotchety when I say, "what the hell is wrong with kids these days?" If you actually do get to meet a good kid, with a good head on their shoulders... they're a f-ing DORK! Where are all the good, smart, COOL kids?

Is it too much to ask that a junior in high school be able to spell properly? And talk in proper tenses, or not switch between past and present tense in the SAME SENTENCE??? Or like, say like, like every like ten f-like-ing words?

like like like like like like

The whole meaning of like has been simply washed away. But then, the whole appeal of youth for me has been washed away lately. They just don't make them like they used to...

I'm old.

Nick

Friday, May 19, 2006

Enough of politics already, eh?

Let's lighten the mood. I promised AJ I would post some pics of my rad ass guitar. But while I'm at it, let's take a look at some older pics of some beauties...


This little gem was my very first guitar. My mom bought it for my dad from a garage sale. I ended up breaking it because it was never meant to have steel strings on it, and I just refuse to play with those cheap plastic strings.


This guitar was never really mine, but I used it when I played in a basement punk band called Wicked Pete. Look at me go. It was a Jackson, beautiful red, and turned out some super crappy riffs... Memories...






And here is my baby. It was a present from the hot wife... when we really didn't have the money. It's an Ibanez AEG10TRS Acoustic/Electric. It rocks kiddies. Someday when I'm fat and rich, I'll actually get an acoustic amp so we can rock the neighbors fricken socks off.

So that's about it. Me and my babies.

Keep on rockin'.

Nick

Thursday, May 18, 2006

This post is about politics.

No, really, it's about beer, but I thought I'd say it's about politics. Might do me some good. Never know.

Anyways, PGE has laid his political beliefs on the line, and I chimed in about Russ Feingold. So while I'm thinking politics, thought I might bring everyone up to speed on where I sit. If anything, I should make a few enemies in the process, and that's always fun.

PGE rips Bush. Hard. Which is fine with me. I voted for Bush twice, but even I am not all that happy with him and the Republicrats these days. I'm a budget hawk. I hate government spending, and they sure aren't holding the purse strings very tightly. If it were up to me, we would have a government responsible solely for national defense, and that's it. No Social Security, Medicare, welfare, spending on this, spending on that... none of it.

But it is what it is.

In some ways, I think the current government has actually done a great job, and has still been beaten up by those who simply change their expectations when something goes right.

The economy is good. It's creating jobs. Interest rates are still historically low. And yet, it's not good enough. Although you don't have to listen to that job loss number being thrown around anymore, which was getting obnoxious.

We haven't been hit by a major terrorist attack since 9/11. How many of you thought that would be the case? Not me. And yet, the government still isn't doing enough, or it's doing too much, or what have you.

So whatever, the political landscape is what it is. People are upset. They want change. Is it time for a Democrat to be President? Perhaps. But what will they stand for? What are the positions the Democrats plan to take? What is their recipe for change?

Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

I don't know either. I don't know the Democrat position on anything. If they have any, mum is apparently it. I would actually consider voting Democrat this go around, because from what I have seen of the Republicans, they are doing nothing for me. But will the Democrats be any better? I don't know.

What is the Democrat position on anything major facing this country? Iraq? What is their plan for Iraq? Or Afghanistan? Or illegal immigration? Gay marriage? National security?

Or how about Social Security? That has sure slipped away from the national spotlight lately, but I'm guessing the problem hasn't gone away. I know what Bush's plan was. And I loved it. Being able to put money I would otherwise give the government to waste into a savings account? Brilliant!

The Democrats plan to save Social Security? (insert crickets having sex noise)

My problem with the Democrats is not where they stand on issues so much, it's that they don't stand at all. They are too busy hating Bush and just opposing everything the Republicans do, that they haven't taken the time to agree on anything in their own party.

Come up with some policy stances. Even if I don't agree with them, I at least know where you stand. And dammit, if you raise taxes to create more spending, I'm moving to Mexico...

And for the love of Allah... Hillary doesn't stand a f-ing chance people... I'd vote for Al Sharpton before I would vote for that cold, life sucking, been cheated on, nasty bitch.

Nick

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I'm not gay because I don't know any gay people...

Students at Port Washington High School in Wisconsin were recently given a questionaire that the Students for Unity made up as part of some stupid Day of Silence bullshit. I guess people refuse to talk throughout the day to show support for people who are afraid to come clean about their sexual preferences. Hey, I already came clean about mine...


So, I decided, I'm comfortable with my sexuality, I'll give the quiz a shot.

Question 1 - What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

Wait, what? Uh, I guess I like women. A lot. Aren't gay people always saying we are born with our sexuality already engrained in our dna? Weird question.

Question 2 - When did you decide you were heterosexual?

When I was five, I kissed my neighbor. And liked it. I guess right about then.

Question 3 - Could it be that your heterosexuality is just a phase?

Well, Im bi. So yes.

Question 4 - To whom have you disclosed your heterosexuality? How did they react?

Oh yeah, I just go around telling everyone. They all react the same way... "get the hell away from me!"

Question 5 - If you have never slept with someone of your same gender, then how do you know you wouldn't prefer it?

I haven't slept with any old ladies either. I'm pretty sure I don't prefer that though. I dunno... it's just a guess I suppose.

Question 6 - Is it likely that you have (sic) just haven't met the right same gender partner yet?

I don't know any gay people, so yes, that's a possibility.

Question 7 - Why do you flaunt your lifestyle with wedding rings, photos at work, and talk of your heterosexual escapades?

Just to piss gay people off. Really. I swear.

Question 8 - Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you don't try to come on to me, but why do so many heterosexuals try to seduce others to their orientation?

Come the f$&% on. Heterosexuals try to "seduce" others to their orientation? With wedding rings? Hmm... I guess because we're so sad you're having all the fun, and we want you to be miserable. Like us. Heteros.

Question 9 - Considering the battering, abuse, and divorce rate associated with heterosexual coupling, why would you want to enter into that kind of relationship?

I guess for the same reason I want to drive, despite all the horrible accidents associated with cars...

Question 10 - Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

I guess just to flaunt our lifestyles...

How tiring. And selfish.

Nick

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I hate you too... I just don't talk about it.

If there was just one group of people I could wipe from the face of this pathetic planet, it would be the idiots who drive with their piece of crap, ankle biting, mutts on their lap.



Die. All of you.

Nick

btw - I stole the pic from this website.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

I'm still here, you're still there

- Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies out there. Should the apostrophe go after the s in Mothers in that? I mean, it's not just one Mother's Day. It's all Mothers' Day. Weird stuff I ponder huh?

- I admit it. I have been not so myself in regard to reading blogs and writing in my own lately. I'll get better. I'll change, I promise. Things have just been really busy at home and work around here. You know how it is. Right?

- I know this is wrong, but I'm hoping we have a girl. I don't have the patience for boys I don't think. We're watching my brother this weekend while my mother woops it up in Vegas (hopefully still winning with my $20 on roulette). It's stressing, and he's 14. I thought it would be a learning experience to take him with us yesterday to bring a rescue dog to the Rottweiler Rescue in Madison, WI. I don't do a lot of rescue anymore, but this transport came up at the right time, so I offered. This little punk had the fricken nerve to say he thought we were getting paid to do this. I could have strangled him. I don't even know if he was serious, but it's obvious most kids these day have no concept of volunteering. Which probably comes from their parents who have no concept of volunteering. It's a selfish world we live in. Very selfish.

- Our kid will have no video games. Except Super Mario Brothers on Super Nintendo, which I bought Amy a couple of years ago for her birthday. The best damn video game to grace the planet. No Playstation or Gamecube or whatever else these kids glue themselves to these days....

- Parents, cut your damn kids' hair. This shaggy look the kids like these days is ugly.

- Watching someone else's kid is like fostering dogs. Which I gave up long ago. You have to deal with someone else's problems, which is stressful. Can't you tell I'm all stressed out? Hey! You spend 4 hours in a car with a 10 year old and a 14 year old boy playing I Spy, AND TELL ME YOU AREN'T STRESSED OUT! These damn kids have to be better than everyone else at all times, which, let me tell you, is obnoxious beyond all belief.

- I'm going to make a horrible parent. So help me God, if my kid ever acts like my brother, I will beat him relentlessly. So you all better pray with me that it's a girl.

- Just kidding, I don't pray. Or believe in God.

- My school is finally done ya'll! I know I got a B Psychology, and I have an A so far in Sociology. I will finally have my Associate's Degree after 9 years! This has been a cloud hanging over my head for 9 years, and it will soon be gone. Now I can just focus on my Bachelor's, which, with the baby on the way is also on hold. Hey, maybe in another 10 years, I'll have that. I don't really want my Bachelor's in Engineering though. I would much rather go into appraisals with the hot wife, and work more from home. That is the 10 year plan, not to be an Engineer.

- Did I even mention that last week we got to hear the baby's heartbeat? This is how bad I have been about writing. It was amazing. I don't think there were two though, even though everyone thinks we're having twins. But it really hit home to hear the actual heartbeat. And to see the hot wife's tummy getting bigger and bigger, there are few words to describe it. And. AND. She can eat Taco Bell once in a while, which is huge!

- Ya'll need to go over there and tell her to stop carrying the damn laundry baskets around though. The woman has no patience. I will carry them. Hell, I will do the laundry, just give me a chance. I'm down there cleaning the litter boxes anyways, which is such a cop out for pregnant women. There's no disease you can get. That was just made up by pregnant women as a way to get out of doing it. Damn them and their technical pregnancy mumbo jumbo...

That's enough for today. Hey, look, comments!

Nick

Thursday, May 11, 2006

A great milestone

Congrats Dawn, you were #10,000 to visit my blog.

Domain Name rr.com
ISP Road Runner
Continent : North America
Country : United States
State : Ohio
City : Columbus

Time of Visit May 11 2006 5:07:03 am
Last Page View May 11 2006 5:07:26 am
Visit Length 23 seconds
Page Views 1
Referring URL http://chaiandapplepie.typepad.com
Visit Entry Page http://therealdilf.blogspot.com/
Visit Exit Page http://therealdilf.blogspot.com/
Time Zone UTC-5:00
Visitor's Time May 11 2006 6:07:03 am
Visit Number 10,000

I guess hitting 10,000 is like turning 21. You basically have nothing to look foward to at that point...

Nick

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

All your ideas are mine...

Check out this story. Some 400 pound man decides he is going to walk across the country.

Uh. Hello? Been there, done that fella. Yup. Back in 2000, I also walked across the country. I didn't do it to lose weight, or forget about my past though. I did it for the hell of it.



Here's me enjoying some Vegas nightlife. I gambled all my money away that night and had to sleep in some hooker's closet. Damn she had some stinky shoes...



The good 'ole Grand Canyon here folks.



Some stupid arch thing in St. Louis. Boring. Although it did make me barf repeatedly looking up at it.



Chicago. I love Chicago. Did you know the f-ing rivers there are green? Good lord. What is it? Mt. Dew? Lime Vodka? I have no idea what these rivers are made of, but they can party it up in the Windy City there hey.



And then, finally, I hit my destination... New York, New York. Here I be walking 'cross the Brooklyn Bridge. Actually... standing on the Brooklyn Bridge, but I walked across shortly after the picture was taken.

And so concluded my walk across the country. First. I was the first dammit. I follow no one.

Nick

Labels:

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Be Here Now

Would you guys quit screwing around and go check out Mason Jenning's new video for Be Here Now already?

Here's the link.

Good stuff. Nine days until the new album, Boneclouds, is released.

Nick

Thursday, May 04, 2006

The nursery

Well, things are progressing nicely with the nursery. Observe:






It's a beautiful tree. Beautiful.

Nick

I'm afraid of you. All of you.

I really need to stop checking the traffic to my blog. Since not allowing comments, the site traffic is the only way I have of really knowing whether people are reading. Other than the occasional email, which is usually just whining about the fact that I don't allow comments...

But people. Some of you are starting to freak me out. The visits I'm getting are coming from really weird places.

Schools. I get a lot of visits from school systems, which just confirms my belief that there is too much money in schools. Go. Teach. Read me when you get home... and don't tell me you can't afford a computer at home... I know what you all make.

Police Departments. I know I have one reader who is a police officer. That's enough. I don't need anymore. I don't need cops from British Columbia stalking my blog. Don't you have drug runners to catch?

And now, I knew it would only be a matter of time before the Google searches for dilf started rolling in. Here's a tip if you want more traffic... write about sex. A lot. In one of my past blogs, I wrote a post about nude flight attendants. And for quite a while I was in the top 10 Google searches for nude flight attendants.

I wonder what people are really hoping to find when they search dilf. And don't try to make me feel better by saying it's women looking for a hot stud man to make all their porn surfing dreams come true. No. It's some fat old dude with his undies down to his ankles with some weird dad fetish.

Yuck.

I guess I can't control who comes here, but I do have one wish. Don't be a pervert. I'm really not all that cute anyways... although, they don't call me the Real Dilf for nothing...

Nick

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

G is for Gimme a damn break...

I haven't thought a whole lot about what my life is going to be like when that ever growing lump in my hot wife's stomach actually turns into a well-informed, self-teaching, fantastically-loving child. Well, other than to think of what my life was like when I was that kid, and how I will be able to get to do the things openly that I have been doing "in the closet" since.

I was riding home the other day... and I say riding, because I don't drive half the time anymore. Because when asshat oil execs take home a cool $400 million for retirement packages, believe it or not, it does effect the average Nick. Now I'm forced to make small talk, where once I could pop in my favorite Whitney Houston cd and belt out a few. So we're cruising along, and the topic of that days small talk was kids. Because my riding partner is a dad, and I'm soon to be, and, and... what the f$%& else are we supposed to talk about? Football? Nooooo...

Anywho, we're talking about shows that kids watch nowadays, and he's rambling off all the shows that I have never heard of but will no doubt be forced into watching (while drinking straight vodka from the bottle). But surely there must be some shows I remember from being a kid still on...

He-Man? Nope... not on anymore.

Smurfs? No no no... Hmmm...

GI Joe? Who?

What about the Street? You know, Sesame Street? Oh yeah, they're still on. Hallelujah. I will at least get to catch up on the Street. Damn it's been forever. I thought for sure they would all be dealing drugs by now, you know, having grown all up and all.

And then I start rattling off all the cast members I can remember, you know, like that drinking game where someone starts with a topic, like professional wrestlers, and the first person who can't continue naming them has to drink? I love that game.

Bert and Ernie.

Big Bird.

Oscar the Grouch.

Cookie Monster. Damn... Cookie Monster, I used to love him the best.

And then all my dreams were crushed. All my dreams of hanging with Cookie Monster, like the good 'ole days. Gone. Decimated. G is for Gone.

"Yeah, but he eats healthy food now."

After we pulled over and I barfed up my lunch, which I think was Chinese that day, so it was probably for the best, we continued driving. But I couldn't continue with the small talk. I couldn't answer for this injustice in my own head. Cookie Monster? Doesn't eat just f-ing cookies anymore? He has to be... healthy? Because we can't possibly trust parents to be the true teachers of healthy eating habits, just like we can't possibly rely on them to teach kids to ride a bike properly, and now you are crucified at MOMS club if your idiot kid doesn't wear his helmet.

When did kids become such ninnies? Have we started making them out of porcelain now?

I want my old Cookie Monster back. I want him to devour cookies with all the tenacity and gusto that he did back in 1984. I was kid back then, I watched the Street every day, and I didn't turn out to be obese.



This. Is. Bullshit.

Nick

Monday, May 01, 2006

Hello Moto.

The weekend was strangely productive... and interesting. Let's break it down.

- First, this ringing endorsement. Wow. I'm speechless. I mean, when someone calls you handsome, and caring, and all that... you can't help but smile and get all giddy. Thanks babe. Thanks for putting a big smile on my face this morning.

She really gives me way too much credit though. I dunno... maybe she just wants you all to think she has really great taste in men. Which she does, but hey, I'm no Heath Ledger...

- As the hot wife mentioned, I played a little poker Saturday night. I know, I know, I go out and play poker, leave my hot pregnant wife home alone to write blog posts about how great I am... What kind of asshole am I? Well, I won $50. So there! $50 which just so happened to buy her lunch and dinner yesterday.

I love playing poker. I told the hot wife yesterday that I was going to quit my job and go on the professional circuit. I don't think I will take it that far, but that would absolutely kick ass. The best part about poker? Lying makes you good. When a good lie in poker (bluff) works out, there's no better feeling.

- Moving on. 16:59. That was my time in the 2 mile run I ran Saturday morning. Not bad. It beat my goal of 17:00 minutes, and even earned me a beer for finishing within a minute of a guy who convinces me to run in all these runs. I keep wanting to call them races, but I don't look at them like that. I only race the clock. The clock usually kicks my ass.

So the next two mile run is June 10th. I have a lot of running to do before then, because, I don't want to hurt like I am hurting now then. I hurt. Bad.

- One of the reasons I hurt though, besides running, is we hung the drywall in the nursery on Saturday. Yeah, you friggen' read that right... I ran two miles in the morning, and THEN I hung drywall! How many of you lazy bastards can say that?

Hanging drywall has to be in the top 10 F-ING WORST JOBS EVER! I hate it. First of all, the walls of a house are never perfect. You can measure until you are blue in the face. The drywall will never f-ing fit perfectly. Sometimes you will grab the drywall, hoist it over your head, climb up on the ladder, try to fit it in, it won't fit, so you have to sit there and f-ing figure out why, with the damn shit sitting on your head because all the damn blood has rushed out of your damn arms and you can't hold them up anymore, and then you have to take the damn piece of drywall down, fix it, and then go thru all this SHIT AGAIN!!!!

That was the longest run-on sentence in the world. Don't doubt me.

F you drywall. F you. Oh, and tonight I have to try taping and mudding this shit again. Hanging drywall sucks. Taping and mudding f-ing sucks. It just gets progressively worse with this shit.

- I think that's it. I kind of went off on the drywall, and now it's all I can think about.

- Oh, wait, the NFL draft. Yes ladies, two damn days of pure football, without any football actually being played. You gotta love it. What do I think about the Packer's selections? The more I read and research it, the better I like them. We got rid of that f-ing ninny Javon Walker, although I think we got less then we deserved, and I would rather have gotten Ashley Lelie than just a second round pick, it could have been worse.

Our first pick rocked. AJ Hawk is going to kick ass. Second round picks seem ok, third rounders about the same, and so on. Hopefully we filled some holes, and we definately upgraded at linebacker.

- Now I think that's it.

Nick