G is for Gimme a damn break...
I haven't thought a whole lot about what my life is going to be like when that ever growing lump in my hot wife's stomach actually turns into a well-informed, self-teaching, fantastically-loving child. Well, other than to think of what my life was like when I was that kid, and how I will be able to get to do the things openly that I have been doing "in the closet" since.
I was riding home the other day... and I say riding, because I don't drive half the time anymore. Because when asshat oil execs take home a cool $400 million for retirement packages, believe it or not, it does effect the average Nick. Now I'm forced to make small talk, where once I could pop in my favorite Whitney Houston cd and belt out a few. So we're cruising along, and the topic of that days small talk was kids. Because my riding partner is a dad, and I'm soon to be, and, and... what the f$%& else are we supposed to talk about? Football? Nooooo...
Anywho, we're talking about shows that kids watch nowadays, and he's rambling off all the shows that I have never heard of but will no doubt be forced into watching (while drinking straight vodka from the bottle). But surely there must be some shows I remember from being a kid still on...
He-Man? Nope... not on anymore.
Smurfs? No no no... Hmmm...
GI Joe? Who?
What about the Street? You know, Sesame Street? Oh yeah, they're still on. Hallelujah. I will at least get to catch up on the Street. Damn it's been forever. I thought for sure they would all be dealing drugs by now, you know, having grown all up and all.
And then I start rattling off all the cast members I can remember, you know, like that drinking game where someone starts with a topic, like professional wrestlers, and the first person who can't continue naming them has to drink? I love that game.
Bert and Ernie.
Big Bird.
Oscar the Grouch.
Cookie Monster. Damn... Cookie Monster, I used to love him the best.
And then all my dreams were crushed. All my dreams of hanging with Cookie Monster, like the good 'ole days. Gone. Decimated. G is for Gone.
"Yeah, but he eats healthy food now."
After we pulled over and I barfed up my lunch, which I think was Chinese that day, so it was probably for the best, we continued driving. But I couldn't continue with the small talk. I couldn't answer for this injustice in my own head. Cookie Monster? Doesn't eat just f-ing cookies anymore? He has to be... healthy? Because we can't possibly trust parents to be the true teachers of healthy eating habits, just like we can't possibly rely on them to teach kids to ride a bike properly, and now you are crucified at MOMS club if your idiot kid doesn't wear his helmet.
When did kids become such ninnies? Have we started making them out of porcelain now?
I want my old Cookie Monster back. I want him to devour cookies with all the tenacity and gusto that he did back in 1984. I was kid back then, I watched the Street every day, and I didn't turn out to be obese.
This. Is. Bullshit.
Nick
I was riding home the other day... and I say riding, because I don't drive half the time anymore. Because when asshat oil execs take home a cool $400 million for retirement packages, believe it or not, it does effect the average Nick. Now I'm forced to make small talk, where once I could pop in my favorite Whitney Houston cd and belt out a few. So we're cruising along, and the topic of that days small talk was kids. Because my riding partner is a dad, and I'm soon to be, and, and... what the f$%& else are we supposed to talk about? Football? Nooooo...
Anywho, we're talking about shows that kids watch nowadays, and he's rambling off all the shows that I have never heard of but will no doubt be forced into watching (while drinking straight vodka from the bottle). But surely there must be some shows I remember from being a kid still on...
He-Man? Nope... not on anymore.
Smurfs? No no no... Hmmm...
GI Joe? Who?
What about the Street? You know, Sesame Street? Oh yeah, they're still on. Hallelujah. I will at least get to catch up on the Street. Damn it's been forever. I thought for sure they would all be dealing drugs by now, you know, having grown all up and all.
And then I start rattling off all the cast members I can remember, you know, like that drinking game where someone starts with a topic, like professional wrestlers, and the first person who can't continue naming them has to drink? I love that game.
Bert and Ernie.
Big Bird.
Oscar the Grouch.
Cookie Monster. Damn... Cookie Monster, I used to love him the best.
And then all my dreams were crushed. All my dreams of hanging with Cookie Monster, like the good 'ole days. Gone. Decimated. G is for Gone.
"Yeah, but he eats healthy food now."
After we pulled over and I barfed up my lunch, which I think was Chinese that day, so it was probably for the best, we continued driving. But I couldn't continue with the small talk. I couldn't answer for this injustice in my own head. Cookie Monster? Doesn't eat just f-ing cookies anymore? He has to be... healthy? Because we can't possibly trust parents to be the true teachers of healthy eating habits, just like we can't possibly rely on them to teach kids to ride a bike properly, and now you are crucified at MOMS club if your idiot kid doesn't wear his helmet.
When did kids become such ninnies? Have we started making them out of porcelain now?
I want my old Cookie Monster back. I want him to devour cookies with all the tenacity and gusto that he did back in 1984. I was kid back then, I watched the Street every day, and I didn't turn out to be obese.
This. Is. Bullshit.
Nick
posted by Nick at
2:17 PM
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