Daddy? What are those whip marks on your back from?

The hot wife was browsing expecting mommy websites last night as we waited for Monday Night Football to start. And there are a gazillion of them... which I didn't quite understand. How many different ways can you say that you will be depressed and you can forget about a sex life? Women do everything in excess...

Anyways, as usual, my idiotness got me something I didn't quite bargain for... "What about expecting daddy sites?"

How could I be so stupid? There's no way an actual dad is going to write one of these sites! I knew in no time we would be browsing some pregnant woman's fantasy land, where all expecting dads are expected to... be slaves...

Lord? Why must we be tortured so?

So you’re going to be a dad - http://www.writeroberts.com/clips/expecting.htm

Welcome to the first challenge of fatherhood: your wife’s pregnancy... here are some specifics on what to do — and what not to do. (with my added man's perspective)

· Listen to her when she tells you she’s miserable.

Men are already professionals at this lady... it happens every day, pregnant or not.

· Help out around the house. At the very least, don’t make comments about the sty you live in.

Whatever! The deal was we take care of the garage, you do everything else. It's been this way for all of eternity...

· Let her catch you reading her pregnancy books. Not only will you score points, but they may help you understand....

Sure... as soon as they start reading Playboy and Maxim to score points with us... What would our friends think if they found out we were reading pregnancy books? It would not be pretty...

· “Compliment, compliment, compliment,” says Sheila Hubart, mother of Rebeqa, 10, and Elijah, 6. “There will be a time when she doesn’t think being pregnant is a beautiful thing anymore.”

Yeah? Well there comes a time when we don't think growing hair all over our bodies is a beautiful thing anymore... I don't hear any compliments for us...

· Give her back and foot massages. You can even paint her toenails for her when she’s too big to reach them.

This goes along with listening to how miserable they are...

· Never comment on what she’s eating. Even if you think it’s strange or you’re sure the fat in the super-size fries might hurt the baby, you’ll definitely lose points by remarking on her cravings.

Even if it's a compliment? "wow honey, that's great that you ate all of the Mac 'n Cheese... oh, and the chocolate syrup too... the pickles... didn't want none of those..."

· Take her on a maternity clothes shopping spree. By the end of the pregnancy she will detest the clothes with her whole being, but for now she can’t go naked.

Why not? Demi Moore did it...

· Skip your night out with the guys to stay home with her. She can’t drink alcohol for nine months and probably doesn’t want to be your designated driver. And don’t tell her that since she’s eating for two, you can drink for two.

"ah, sorry dude, I can't play cards tonight... I have to paint my wife's toenails..." Yeah, that will fly like a lead balloon...

· Respond to her nesting instincts. You may think there’s plenty of time, but she is on a mission.

Read: just change the F&*$ING room around, AGAIN, and like it... or she'll kill you in your sleep.

· And finally, go to her doctor’s appointments, or at least ask about them if you can’t make it. Attending the ultrasound appointment and birth classes is a must. Remember, it’s your baby too.

Wait... there's classes? With... other pregnant women??? A whole room full of pregnant women... that should be... uh... a whole bunch of fun... literally....

peace nick

Be ready in two weeks...

hot wife: "good news, I got my period"
me: "since when is that good news?"

hot wife: "it's good news since I'll know better when I'm ovulating"
me: "......................................"

hot wife: "just be ready in two weeks..."

peace nick

"Does this blaze orange make me look fat?"

Ah, deer hunting…. A time of year in the late fall where hundreds of thousands of men, women and children venture out into the woods to hunt Bambi. You gotta love it. I don't hunt deer myself, although I do love the meat.

But you know what's occurred to me lately is, those who live in civilized parts of the country, you may not hear much about deer hunting. And if, heaven forbid, you are ever in this part of the country this time of year… you may be a little confused by some of the conversations taking place. Deer hunting speak… so to speak…

For instance, you may hear someone say: "Yeah hey, that there's a nice body, but ya know, s'gotta pretty small rack." Or… "Yeah, did ya see the spread on that one there hey?"

Or, my favorite: "This one time, at deer camp…"

Completely normal…. Well, maybe not normal… but they're not talking dirty is what I'm trying to say. Clearly, it's easy to see how some of these conversations can be taken the wrong way. But a little education on the local language can go a long way, and that's why I'm here.

So the next time you are up nort' here, and hear someone say - "Yeah hey, I hit 'er square in the ass, and she made it 'bout 75 yards before going down…" - don't be alarmed. They're simply referring to deer hunting…

peace nick

Thank you Doctor.... that will be all...

Well, good news and bad news. Bad news is that the test results were negative... how often is that bad news?

Good news is that we keep trying. At least every other day.... on doctor's orders...

THANK YOU DOCTOR! MMMMMMMMMWHA!

We were joking today that perhaps what happened was that when my boys saw the mother ship, having never seen such a thing before (we've always used birth control), they turned around and fled... I've since scolded them and instructed them on proper fertilization.

I don't think we'll have any more problems...

peace nick

Current event type things...

You know, there's a lot of issues out there these days. Usually I try to keep up by reading blogs and other websites, but, everyone has a slant on everything. There isn't a straight answer to the world's problems that I can see. Not to mention that I have just been too busy lately to keep up like I wish I could. So, I went to the source this morning, to get the real schnizzle.

Me: God... welcome back.

God: Glad to be back.


Me: Ummm... the last time we spoke was right after Hurricane Katrina. Dude, I said get one person... not the whole friggen southern coastline. What's up?

God: Hey, you want a favor, this guy wants a favor, that guy wants a favor... By the time all was said and done... well, you know what happened.


Me: Uh, yeah, ease up a little next time, would ya? Anyways... I wanted to talk about some current issues facing the world today. Thought I would come right to you to get the low down. George Bush. Did he or did he not manipulate intelligence in the lead up to the Iraq War?

God: You know, Saddam got away from me. I told him that if he didn't straighten up, I was sending someone after him. He didn't listen. It was for the best.


Me: I know, he was a bad dude. But the intelligence... good or bad?

God: Bad. But the ends justified the means. Try throwing that one back at the Left... since they're always saying it...


Me: I stay away from politics. But that was funny. Ok, next topic. Abortion... in the constitution or not?

God: It's cool and all, but definately not in the constitution. I thought I gave ya'll the ability to read?


Me: You did... you did... Um... let's see... Britney and K-Fed. What. The. Hell?

God: Hahahahaha.... No? Sorry... I'll fix it...


Me: Thanks. Any chance you could lighten the load on me a bit? Things have been a little too busy for my liking lately.

God: No. Next?


Me: Milwaukee Bucks. 5-2 holmes... Going to the playoffs???

God: Not with that guy coaching...


Me: Figured as much. Is my hot wife pregnant yet?

God: Hey man, I gotta run! Catch up with ya later!


Me: NO WAIT!!! IS MY WIFE PREGNANT???? .....dammit.....

peace nick

On behalf of all men... I'm sorry...

I actually got this idea from an advertisement on another blog. No, I didn't click on it, because, well, I hate advertisements on blogs….

But anyways, this ad said - 10 most common mistakes men make with women. I don't know if I can come up with the most common, but I'm sure I can come up with 10. Let's go:

10. Men think women are capable of killing insects. As is illustrated here they are not. They never will be. It's genetical....

9. "What anniversary?"

8. When they ask you if they look fat, make eye contact, keep a straight face, and say "no". Don't look away! And definitely, whatever you do, do not be sarcastic.. unless of course you like your hand that much….

7. The drive-by beep, whistle or "hey baby!" has NEVER worked. Ever. It's like using a drive-by shooting to recruit gang members...

6. "But my ex did it all the time..."

5. What happens at bachelor parties, stays at bachelor parties. Not that anything happens...

4. I know it's hard, but resist the urge to hit on your woman's friends or family…. It's the least you can do...

3. "Oh… I thought you said you DID want it on the internet…"

2. Never allow your whole head to move as you watch another woman pass by. Women aren't blind, and they are watching you. It may even be a trick. If you've had more than 3 drinks, don't look at all, because you're moving your head whether you realize it or not….

1. "so when's the baby due?"

fun fun…

peace nick

It's Sex Ed! The name is Sex Ed!

I'm a little disappointed at our teachers, especially the women writing the sexual education curriculum in this country. You're putting parents in a very bad position!

Last night our nephews were over, one is in 5th grade and he was telling us what he learned in school. More specifically, what he learned in Human... Growth.... Development.... Education.... BLAH! What is that?

Look, I'm sorry that the religious right has given the word SEX such a negative connotation, but let's call it what it is. Sexual Education. Have some balls! (pun intended)

Sex.... ohhhhhh.... ahhhhh....

Sex..... Yeah, I'm sure 5th graders have never heard the word sex before.

Sex......

Do you want to know what he learned in this Human Growth crap class??? About wet dreams... Wet dreams...

Wet dreams...

Wet dreams? For God's sakes, are we still in the f-ing 40s? Wet dreams? Who the hell has wet dreams? Do any of you have wet dreams? I don't have wet dreams.

Why don't I have wet dreams? Everyone should have wet dreams, that's what they teach you in Human Growth Development, duh! Well, you morons, I don't have wet dreams because I MASTURBATE!!!!!

Yeah, I said it. MASTURBATE MASTURBATE MASTURBATE!!!!!!!

Women... guys don't have wet dreams because we've learned over the years how to perform maintenance on our stuff. It's not hard, well, sometimes it is... But it's definately not the sin we've all been told it was. We know it doesn't kill any kittens or make your palms hairy...

Don't teachers ever look at a curriculum and say "hey, this is bullshit"? They should. Wet dreams are bullshit. Stop teaching our kids about them!!!

Why the hell am I writing about wet dreams at 5 in the morning.... I haven't even said wet dream out loud since I was like 8....

peace nick

That *was* my cd player....

I wonder at what age you get to stop babysitting your friends when they come over. This past Saturday we lost our cd player, and I thought the computer too. Actually the computer was just doing a disk scan, but I was drunk... I didn't have the patience or the desire to figure that out.

But the cd player is another story. It's broke. Because someone I have never even met stuck a cd in the damn thing wrong.

I know what you're thinking... "and this guy wants to have kids???" Kids are different. Kids you can beat and yell at when they break something. How am I going to yell at a friend for breaking something?

"Hey bitch, thanks for breaking my f*&$ing cd player! You wanna spanking?!"

"Dude, what are you even doing on the computer?! This isn't surf the damn internet time! It's drinky time!!!"

I dunno... it just doesn't do it for me...

I hope my kids have a sarcastic humor like me so I can pretend to beat the crap out of them in front of other people. That always makes people so uncomfortable to watch someone beat the crap out of their kids. What's funny is you can actually see them debate between minding their own business and knocking the lunatic making them uncomfortable out.

People should make that decision before they see someone beating the crap out of their kids. Either you are going to step in and kick some ass, or you're going to mind your own business. Don't just stand there and look like a moron... Because... you look like a moron.

peace nick

Bud Light presents:

I always get a kick out of those Bud Light commercials honoring Real American Heros. But never any shout outs to the bloggers. Until now....

Bud Light presents: Real American Heroes
(real american heroes)
Today we salute you, Mr. Blog on your lunch hour at work guy
(Mr. Blog on your lunch hour at work guy)
You risk life and limb to bring your audience good material, knowing full well you could be fired at any minute
(out on your ass)
While most people sit eating their lunch, you Google for sweet pictures to post
(oh... Google this!)
What else says funny like the latest George Bush rant?
(you know i love you George Bush!)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light Mr. Blog on your lunch hour at work guy. We may not have been born to write, but thanks to you, we can read someone who was.
(thank you Mr. Blog on your lunch hour at work guy)

peace Mr. Blog on your lunch hour at work guy

Relationship... strategery...

It seems like when you enter into a relationship, you lose the ability to decide for yourself who your new friends are going to be. When you're single, the sky is the limit. You pick friends based on what you like in a person. Single guys hang out with single guys who like the same football team. Single women hang out with single women because they like to shop at the same stores. And single guys hang out with single women, or vice versa, because they're hot. Or so they think...

When you're in a relationship, that all goes out the window. Instead of picking friends based on mutual interests, you pick friends based on strategery… The sole criteria being - how that person, or couple, benefits the relationship. Hanging out with single people who have a chance of scoring on a regular basis is out. A single friend is a bad influence on the relationship-bound. Hanging out with the opposite sex… definitely out.

But more importantly than who you can't be friends with, is who you should be friends with. And I think this is where guys mess up. We don't have any ability to comprehend how some women are not compatible with other women. In our world, all women get along. Ok… all women make out. With each other.

How many times do we say - "you should hang out with her more often" or "you should be friends with her". We don't ever consider the fact that you might not like that person. It's strategery. That person has something to offer us, and dammit, you should use your womanly powers to create a deep, long lasting friendship with that person. If for nothing else, than for the good of the relationship.

Women never say this, because really, men don't generally have anything to offer. Overall, we're pretty worthless in the realm of bettering the relationship through strategic friendships… but then, we're pretty worthless overall. You should be used to it by now….

peace nick