You're among sinners, sinner

As I was sitting in church this past Saturday (we were at a wedding) I was struck by something the pastor kept repeating.

"You're a sinner… I'm a sinner… We're all sinners…"

Nothing is a bigger downer than being a sinner. But it occurred to me as he rambled on about us sinners, that I'm not even sure how I became a sinner. I'm not sure how one becomes a sinner, and how one becomes a non-sinner. Or even if we can become non-sinners.

So, what are the sins? Well, as any good researcher does when they want to know something, I went to the internet and came up with the Seven Deadly Sins. I actually didn't come up with them, I just found out what they are. Here they are, and where I stand on them.

1. Pride. Pride? A sin? Lest he not be proud of himself, let he only be proud of God. Whatever. God kills children, I don't. And I'm proud of myself for that. No hell here.

2. Greed. I don't consider myself greedy, although I guess that means I have pride. Hell on this one...

3. Envy. There are more people I don't envy, than I do. By the power of majorities… I think I'm safe here.

4. Anger. Well, I'm not an angry person in general… I guess I'm safe on this one too.

5. Lust. Hi, hell? Ya, I'll be right there...

6. Gluttony. Every Friday I drink too much. And I want too much sex. Welcome to hell.

7. Sloth. I'm still fuzzy on this one. I think it goes along the lines of being lazy. Hmmm… let me see here… yup, hell.

So I guess there you have it. I'm a sinner according to the Seven Deadly Sins of the Christian faith. I guess the good thing is that I don't believe in heaven or hell.

Is that sloth? I hope so, because sloth sounds pretty damn cool :)

peace nick

It's better to smoke that stuff in the morning time...

One of the great things about not being single is morning sex. This is sex that takes place before you ever even get out of bed. It's perfect on so many levels, it must be documented and encouraged.

Maybe a special interest group - Citizens for More Morning Sex. CMMS.

For one, there is no romance needed. There is very little touching required, because as we all well know, hormones are highest in the morning. And definitely no kissing. Gross... No need to dress up or dump a bunch of cologne on.

There is also no need to concentrate on your vocals. If you say something, or groan something, and then realize it was stupid... you can just blame it on being half asleep yet.

"I don't know why I said I wish all your friends were here now... I'm still half asleep..."

The only other time you get to pull that one off is when you're drunk... We'll deal with the pros and cons of drunk sex some other day.

The only down side to morning sex is that it doesn't make it any easier to get out of bed. Afterwards, the comfort of sleeping under the covers never really looks more appealing. More. Sleepy. Warm. Bed.

I'm a big fan of morning sex. I think the world would be a much better place if people got laid BEFORE they venture out into the real world. Bosses would give better raises, there would be fewer affairs, no wars, more tax cuts... it would be great.

So roll over tomorrow morning, and say to your wife or husband or boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever the case may be... and say, hey, we need to make the world a better place, let's get it on...

This public service announcement brought to you by CMMS. Making the world a better place to live in, one bedroom at a time.

peace nick

Not even 7th???

So yeah, I see that I am still not making anyone's celebrity crush list... which is bull. I just don't get it ladies. What makes this so hot:

But this not so hot:

I dunno, but I'm hurt. Women can be so cruel and shallow....

peace nick

You can't depend on me for anything...

Being the introvert that I am, one of the things I have the hardest time with is meeting new people. Not because I am a hermit, but just because I tend to keep to myself. Obviously when you meet new people, you can't keep to yourself... Why am I explaining this???

Anyways, because of certain factors in my line of work, I've been meeting more and more people from Pakistan or India. I know Dawn is going to freak when she reads this, but to tell you the truth, I just can't tell whether someone is from Pakistan or India. I think I can tell when someone is from the general area, but that's about it.

I must just embody the ignorant American to these poor people. It's not really by choice, but I just haven't been exposed to these cultures before. I had no idea they couldn't, or choose not to, eat meat when one guy asked me if there was meat in the pasta sauce during a training lunch recently.

guy, pointing to sauce - "excuse me, do you know what's in this?"
me, with blank look - "I dunno, it looks like tomato sauce and some spices"

guy - "do you know if there is meat in there?"
me, with blank look - "uh...."

I had no idea. Furthermore, I was baffled. Who cares if there's meat in there... it's all we got, just eat it! Luckily I was saved by someone who was a little more culturally aware of the situation, who explained to this poor guy that there was no meat in the sauce.

Please sir, stay away from the ignorant American before you hurt yourself...

What good am I? I can barely understand people with such heavy foreign accents, I sure as heck can't help them thru our mish mash of non-cultured life.

What's worse is, I don't know if I should help them out when they do or say something that would potentially offend someone here (not that you can do anything these days without offending someone...). The other day I was sitting with a designer discussing some ideas, and he said something like:

"blah blah blah, oh Jesus Christ... blah blah blah"

And then he said the same thing again... I was stunned. I'm certainly not offended by that, but I know a lot of people would be. I didn't know if I should say something to him, like, hey buddy, you may want to tone down the Jesus references, or if I should just sit there, stunned... I always find it's best to avoid a confrontation, so I just sat there... stunned...

Unfortunately, of all the stupid things they teach you in school, nothing prepares you to deal with other cultures, other than just being exposed to them as much as possible on your own. I feel bad for the foreign born people that I come into contact with in the future. I apologize in advance, I'm the dumb American you've all heard about... Please, go easy on me.

peace nick

Play Super Nintendo???

Arrr bitches, so become upon us another Friday. And with that, a poem for ya. I hope ya likey. An remember ya, drink ya lots and drive fast...

Tis morning me shiver me britches
tomorrow yet could f-ing snow
But nay will that keep me from me bar
as I'm sure you already know

Blue Moon beer, and Jaeger Bombs
arrr, that's all I see
Perhaps a martini er two
if the bloody bartender make 'em free

It's been too a long week
so let them drinks a flow
And then I'll take me wife home...
...to play Super Nintendo

peace nick

We may not be rich, but we are copious...

There's something to be said about someone who can sit through training all day, and not have a blockbuster blog post about it. I dunno... my trainer was the equivalent of a gay tour guide... where the hell do I go with that?

Maybe I'm not as creative as I once hoped. You're all free to quit reading if you'd like.

The neighbor girl ran away the other day. Her mom asked that some details of the story be covered in the newspaper, and they were. Apparently the newspaper got crapped on, because it ran an editorial trying to justify what coverage they did print.

Fine, whatever, who gives a rip. But then they put this in there:

In the wake of our initial story, readers accused The Reporter of everything from dropping the ball, to not caring because the teen in question wasn't from an affluent part of town, to showing poor news judgment by not having the story on the front page.

Wait a second... if she's our neighbor... and she isn't from an affluent part of town... what does that say about us??? Just because people get stabbed, and there are 3 year olds playing in the street all over the place, I don't know how you say we aren't from an affluent part of town.

"Oh dear honey, there are black and hispanic children in that neighborhood... Black... Hispanic... Poor people... Non-affluent... Under-priviledged..."

I blame George Bush. George Bush is keeping us down dammit. All us poor ghetto folk... All we need is a damn hurricane to make it official.

"Non-affluent... George Bush... Black people..."

Actually, I don't think there are any affluent parts of Wisconsin, much less the crap hole city we live in... But thanks for dropping our property values a couple grand...

peace nick

I'm Old School...

We got a nice little blurb written up about us over at Chai and Apple Pie:

i think washing your hands is stupid -- Nick reminds me of all the frat boys I was friends with in college. He has been married, like forever, to his pretty wife Amy. And he has a bunch of dogs and a lot of funny stuff to talk about.

After reading this, I began to wonder how my life would be different if I were actually a frat boy. And then I realized, the only real exposure I have to the life of frat boys is from the movie Old School. So instead, this post will be about how my life would be different were I in the movie Old School. If you haven't seen it yet, GO RENT IT! So, let's ponder:




1. I likely would have hooked up with Elisha Cuthbert*.






2. Instead of wood floors in the living room, wall to wall sand. Or foam, or something... (I don't think the dogs would appreciate sand too much)





3. Nick the Tank! Nick the Tank!









4. My rap career would have taken off much faster. Instead, Snoop got the call... Snoop. Snoop-a-loop.









5. I would have easily been the KY wrastlin' champ...




In summary, I think I would make a great frat boy. Thanks Dawn, that was enlightening...

*In all fairness to my beautiful wife, she did get to hook up with Heath Ledger...

peace nick

It's our turn...

Well, yesterday we did a post about how women are luckier than men. It didn't start that way, but it was kind of fun. So, today, we'll do 20 ways that men are luckier than women.

1. You can piss just about anywhere.
2. The garage and/or basement are always safe havens.
3. "Getting ready" takes less than 5 minutes.
4. So does masturbating.
5. Crying at just the right time gets you all the sex you can handle.
6. No child birth. Or birth control pills. Or PMS.
7. No worries about being drugged at the bar.
8. Kissing multiple people in one night doesn't make you a slut.
9. You can pretend you don't watch Laguna Beach.
10. You don't have to wash your face after sex. (altogether - ewwww!)
11. Screw up the laundry once, and you're off the hook forever.
12. Shaving is optional.
13. You don't have gross men staring at your boobs.
14. Grabbing yourself in public is acceptable.
15. There's no drama at bachelor parties.
16. No stupid tupperware parties to go to.
17. You can open your own jars and beer cans.
18. You can poop when someone is in the next stall.
19. Your friends never call you crying.
20. Porn. Made for men, by men.

That was harder than the women's list...

peace nick

Damn... your blog is hot...

I've always wanted to do an experiment in which I would create two fake blogs, one by a fake man and one by a fake women. I would post the same things, advertise the same, and see which one would generate more traffic. My hypothesis is that the blog by the woman would generate more traffic.

My logic for this hypothesis is simple. Women read blogs written by other women because they can relate to them. Men read blogs by women because they are curious, or the woman is good looking, in which case their writing could be so stupid, but there is always the slight chance she could post a picture of her boobs...

Men aren't so lucky. Take me for example. I don't get a lot of male readers for the simple fact that I don't have anything to offer them. I don't post about politics really, or sports, and I doubt many want to see my boobs. I have no idea why women read this blog, but they seem to be the majority of my readers. Is it 'cause you wanna see my boobs? I didn't think so...

Women are just luckier than men in this department. Maybe women are just luckier in general? Hmmm... how are women luckier than men...

1. They get to blame everything on PMS.
2. They always have a fall-back career... in porn.
3. Wearing jogging pants is still cool.
4. Kissing men and women in the same night is acceptable, even encouraged.
5. Free dinner, free drinks, free movies.
6. Being naked gets you more friends.
7. Crying at anytime is acceptable, even expected.
8. Liking Sex and the City will not get you beat up.
9. They never have to help roof or pour concrete.
10. There's always a place to sleep when you're drunk.
11. Threesomes are just a phone call away.
12. Affirmative action.
13. Wearing pink is always an option.
14. They're naturally better dancers.
15. You don't need to be a trucker to buy a sex toy.
16. You're never in a trucker's blind spot.
17. The admiration of the construction industry.
18. Tight jeans are still in.
19. The joys of giving birt... whoops, wrong list...
20. More people read and comment on your blog.

That was fun...

peace nick

Would the real Nick please stand up?

I love horoscopes. Mine today starts like this - When it comes to relationships, what you're offering is like gold.

You damn fo schizzle it is. It's about time someone saw it my way...

Anyways, so we got to meet Amy's friend's new bf this weekend. Nice guy. But the situation is not without it's issues, which I felt the need to address in a letter to him. Let me know what you think...

Dear Nick,

It was great to finally meet you this weekend, after hearing so many good things about you. I'm glad to see you are making XXX (Amy's friend) happy so far, she deserves a nice guy like you. I especially liked how you pretended to be interested in the Packer game yesterday, despite being a card carrying Minnesota Vikings fan... you stupid, mutha fuc... uh, nevermind that for now. There are a few other things that I felt we should address, mano e mano...

1. There was a point in time, Nick, when I sat on the other side of a picnic table at the fair, and listened to my drunk wife and your drunk girlfriend talk about making out with each other. No, I'm not lying. They promised me this would happen on some future date. Now that you are in the picture, it's a sure bet that it won't. And I feel that I should be compensated for this. I will accept an all-expense-paid trip to a strip club of our mutual choosing, with an all-expense-paid lap dance from two kissing strippers. You're free to watch from a distance of no less than 15 feet.

2. You will be referred to you from now on as Dan. Nick is already taken. By me. Don't f-ing tread on my shit, you little bitch... I mean, Dan...

3. I order you to quit opening the door for your girlfriend. For God's sakes, what are you, 17? I suppose next thing you know, you are going to be holding her hand in public. I already seen you playing with her hair... I don't know what you are trying to pull here... but you know how these women talk... We have to be a little more congruent in our efforts if this is going to work out my man...

Don't forget Dan, I've been here for, like, 9 years or something. I'm a trusted playa in the game, and I can sabotage your shit faster than you can say Daunte Culpepper sucks. A couple of well placed comments about you trying to grab the bartender over by the bathroom, and it's over for you... O. V. E. R.

Great. Glad we could have this talk. Good luck man... we'll see ya soon.

peace nick

M is for Monday, it's also for Martini

The best way to start off the week is with a new drink. We'll start with my favorite, the Purple Gecko. Better stock up on that Curacao... I have a feeling it will be in a lot of the drinks...

Title	Purple Gecko
Ingredients	1/2 oz. Lime Juice 1/2 oz. Blue Curacao 1 oz. Sour Mix 1 1/2 oz. Jose Cuervo Tequila 1/2 oz. Red Curacao 1 oz. Cranberry Juice Cocktail
Description	Shake with ice and pour into salt rimmed margarita glass. Garnish with a lime wedge.

Remember kids, drink safe and drive fast.

peace nick