44 things you couldn't care less about...

I have to hang out while my chimney gets cleaned, so thought I would waste some time with this meme:

1. Legal First name? Nicholaus
2. Were you named after anyone? Yup, Adam Rich from Eight is Enough
3. Do you wish on stars? No
4. When did you last cry? When my Dad past away last year
5. What is your favorite lunch meat? Turkey
6. What is your birth date? August 7th 1979
7. Whats your most embarrassing CD? A cd with thunderstorms on it
8. Would you be friends with you? I guess so. I like all the things I like...
9. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Nah...
10. What are your nicknames? Most people call me by my last name, which I won't share
11. Would you bungee jump? F&*% NO!
12. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? My Docs I do, my shoes I don't
13. Do you think that you are strong? No
14. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate
15. Shoe Size? 10 1/2
16. Red or pink? Red
17. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I'm very impatient
18. Who do you miss most? My Dad
19. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Blue jeans, brown Doc Martens
20. What are you listening to right now? The vacuum cleaner from the chimney guys
21. What did you eat for breakfast? cappuchino
22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? black (yes, I know it isn't a color, but it is a crayon)
23. What is the weather like right now? 70, sunny & windy
24. Last person you talked to on the phone? Joe
25. The first things you notice about the opposite sex? Their, uh, eyes...
26. Do you like the person who sent this to you? No one sent it to me, I simply stole it
27. Favorite Drink? Purple Gecko
28. Hair Color? Brown
29. Do you wear contacts? No
30. Favorite Food? Bacon Cheeseburger
31. Last Movie You Watched? The Big Bounce
32. Favorite Day Of The Year? Thanksgiving
33. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Happy Endings I guess...
34. Summer Or Winter? Summer
35. Hugs OR Kisses? Kisses
36. What Is Your Favorite Desert? Snickers Blizzard
37. Living Arrangements? I live in a house with my wife, 2 dogs and 2 cats
38. What books Are You Reading? none
39. What's On Your Mouse Pad? A Rottweiler puppy
40. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? I didn't watch tv
41. Favorite Smells? Gasoline
42. Favorite junk food? chips and salsa
43. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles
44. What's the farthest you've been from home? New Orleans

peace nick

I have no problems having an orgasm...

I was reading an article that was discussing problems men and women have as they relate to sex. Now, it may be a little whacky because it came out of London, but it's still pretty interesting.

From the article:

"One in 10 women questioned for a survey admitted losing interest in sex for at least six months in the past year."

And then:

"The next major problem was the inability to have an orgasm. That was reported by four percent of women,"

Hmmm... I wonder if those could be related? C'mon ladies... men figured it out, like, forever ago. What's with you women? How are we supposed to trust you with running the country some day?

I think the "G" in G-spot is short for God-damn-that-thing-is-well-hidden. Why God? Why put it in a place that no guy, and apparently a whole lot of women, can't fricken find? Looking for the G-spot is like looking for the Holy Grail. You've heard rumors, some people say they know where it is... but damn if you'll ever find the thing...

I think the problem with most guys is that we just can't fathom how complicated this is. I mean, our spot is right out in the open. You can't fricken miss it. We can't possibly understand how so many of you women have gone this long without even knowing where yours is, or what it feels like should we heaven forbid actually graze the thing on our way in...

And then:

"There is nothing actually wrong with these women. Bringing up a family they are just tired and exhausted as opposed to the men who have 10 times the level of testosterone,"

God was definately not a man. No way would a man do this to fellow men. Not only do women have the key to sexual bliss hidden from us, they are already at a sexual disadvantage with testosterone levels 10 times lower.

That's like not letting women into the bar until all the men have had 6 drinks already. It's impossible to have a good time drinking if by the time you start, everyone is already smashed...

There is definately a conspiracy going on here, and I intend to get to the bottom of it.

peace nick

Victory, in the face of adversity...

Were you aware that there's no good way to take care of a runny nose when you are having sex? You sure can't sniffle, that's just gross, especially in that situation. Unless you can time it just perfectly to coincide with a groan or some other sexually related noise. But who wants to be thinking about the perfect time to sniffle when you're having sex? It's like worrying about being the victim of a car bomb while you are putting the keys in to unlock your door. Worry too much, and you're late for dinner... if you make it at all.

You can blow your nose, sure, but that involves finding a suitable place to stop, getting up, going to the bathroom, etc... It can be a real deal breaker if you aren't careful. Or if the bathroom is cold, like most are. You must be quick and quiet, and dammit, you better get 'er done the first time. If you have to make a second break to the bathroom, you might as well just stay there...

There is a solution though. Pay attention now... The trick is to find a way to migrate to the bottom position, so you can lean your head back and let everything drain back into your head. I know, I'm an absolute genius...

This can create problems of its own, but should buy you enough time to do what you have to do. Timing is everything though. Go up too early, and you could risk having to resort to one of the other options. Wait too long, and the brain waves to your, uh... mate, could be severely impeded. I can't stress how important it is to have unrestricted communication between the brain and... you know, other parts of the body...

Time it out, focus, don't lose sight of the task at hand (literally and figuratively), and you should be alright.

Runny noses during sex are the Gods' way of saying, "Let's see how you get out of this one, stud boy. Bwahahahaha!"

If you can indeed pull it off, and end in a way other than your woman kicking your impotent ass out of bed, there is almost a sense of accomplishment. Like winning the Superbowl despite having a broken arm. If you just so happen to have a buddy present, a high five is not unacceptable.

Victory, in the face of adversity. Be proud. You did it, man.

peace nick

Beer... and some of our inner selves

I certainly apologize for the lack of posting this week.

However, I hope to soon get back to my qualitative description and research into how blogging, time and beer are all inter-related. And how, while being independent of the uncertainty principle of quantum physics, we can all harness the momentum of mind wavelength particles to measure the position of the mindset used while coming up with blog material... beer... and some of our inner selves.

Certainly we can begin to understand at that point the simultaneous consequences of utilizing beer to increase the accuracy of the macroscopic material used to facilitate the processing of mind matter, and anti-matter, which then becomes some really screwed up thoughts which we put into our blogs.

But we'll get into all of that next week. Let's drink!

peace nick

I do. Still.

Three years ago.

Three years ago we were technically friends. I never asked you out so you didn't have the chance to cheat on me and dump my sorry ass.

Three years ago, we were obviously more than friends.

Three years ago I was sleeping. Damn... it's 5:30 in the morning.

Three years ago I actually got to wear a tux that fit me. I was hot. In the good looking way. But not near as hot as you were.

Three years ago I promised to love you, when we were poor, and when we'll be rich. And we will be f-ing rich... oh, we'll be filthy rich. Rock star rich.

Three years ago I promised to love you and to hold you. In sickness and in health.

I will.

I do. Still.

I love you. (Not you people, my wife... duh...)

nick

I am the love doctor, Will Smith is just an actor...

We finally got around to watching the movie Hitch last night, with Will Smith. I didn't have real high expectations, because I'm not the biggest Will Smith movie fan... but it was good. Funny at least.

Unfortunately it just confirmed about men what I have always known. You are idiots. All of you. I'm just amazed that more women are not lesbians.

But then... women are suckers, which just compounds the problem.

What a job being a love doctor would be. Although I don't have confidence that most men could get a number to save their lives... perhaps I could provide a few pointers that might make them not appear to be the big time losers they really are. And all you need is that, and most women being suckers, will at least stick around a couple of months.

Here are my tips gentlemen, since I already have a job:

1. Stare at a woman's breasts when she is NOT looking directly at you. If you're talking to her, she can tell what you are looking at... if she isn't blind.

2. Chances are your pick up line sucks. Save it. Opt for a more natural comment or look. Have a creative comment for everything. Everything. Be prepared and witty.

3. Don't be an over-bearing stalker. It's one thing to be convienently in the right place at the right time. It's another thing to be everywhere. Maintain some distance.

4. Don't show women your tattoos. It makes the rest of us who don't have any look like ninnys, and you don't want your ass kicked, do ya?

5. Put your damn collar down. You're not the Fonz, and you never will be.

So there you have it. A few minor, although important, tips on picking up women. A lot of it is just common sense really, which I realize most of you don't have... but then, that's why you read my blog.

I'm happy to help. Questions will be addressed now for a small fee.

peace nick

A beer drinker's prayer

A beer drinker's prayer.
by Nick

Dear Lord. Oh dear miraculous Lord.

As I venture out on this wonderful Friday,
to the pub, to consume mass quantities of alcohol...

Provide me with strength, stamina and capacity.
Provide me with a steady hand.
Provide me with a sturdy stool to rest my ass.

Dear Lord. Oh dear miraculous Lord.

As I venture out on this wonderful Friday,
to the pub, to consume mass quantities of alcohol...

Provide me with a safe flight, to and fro.
Provide me with friends who won't talk about politics.
Or how their wife cheats on them. Stupid bitch...

Dear Lord. Oh dear miraculous Lord.

As I venture out on this wonderful Friday,
to the pub, to consume mass quantities of alcohol...

I ask two things of you.
A good buzz and a full tummy.
Oh, and some good drunken sex wouldn't be too bad either...

Uh... Amen.

peace nick

A top 10

I started this out with a comment on someone else's blog. Since I love to get t-shirts with goofy sayings, I thought it would be fun to come up with some for kids of bloggers. I don't have any kids, so feel free to steal any of my ideas and use them.

So, top 10 t-shirt sayings for kids of bloggers

1. i made my momy dummer

2. i don't usually act like this, but my mom needs better blog material

3. shhhhh... my dad is writing in his blog

4. more pictures?

5. my mom's blog is better than your mom's

6. my mom is blogging this

7. all i want for christmas is my own flickr account

8. i'll give you something to blog about...

9. http://www.mydadsblogkicksass.com

10. take a picture, it lasts longer. or just go to my mom's blog.

peace nick