All porn is not created equal...

So, just to get this straight... PETA porn is not ok for the Superbowl...



But Comcast porn is just fine?



BTW - Vegans have the best sex? Bunk... nothing makes me hornier than a big juicy bacon cheeseburger...

Nick

I will now be known as Cheez 'n Crackas

Lately we've been gleefully watching some terrible show called Tool Academy. Basically a group of women who have been treated like shit in their relationships signed their boyfriends up for this show. The idea is to rehabilitate them as a last step through things like therapy, group work, etc. And of course there is the obligatory part of the show where every week one of the tools and his girlfriend is sent home because they just fail.

Sounds perfect for me, as is quite obvious by my tool qualities:

Hits on anything that moves? Check.

Drinks with friends fraternity style? Check.

Has two girlfriends? Check.

Emails other women? Check.

Talks to girlfriend (or wife) like she's four? Check.

Has super tool nickname? Check.

nick

I'm a dork today...

I don't know what it is about this song. It punches manliness in the nuts like the fist of an angry god. But I like it anyways.



For further research: Kira Willey

Nick

When life gives you lemons...

When I was in the same position a few years back, hot wife was there for me. You may remember this... So, hot wife, this is for you!



And the next time life gives you lemons, smash someone in the face with them...

Nick

I swore to be faithful a long time ago...

"Do you Barack Hussein Obama faithfully swear... uh, swear to be faithful, and uphold, the hope of Presidents and... oh fuck it, I need another beer."

nick

I just pimped it...

I don't get to play poker as much these days as I used to. That's just the price you pay for running tournaments. But this weekend I got to play in two. Our poker league finished up our 4th season, so we had a finals tournament on Friday and a tournament of champions on Saturday.

I made the final table Friday at the finals, but didn't have enough chips to get into the money. I did manage to make it to the final table with enough chips at the tournament of champions though. But after only one hand of heads up play, I had to settle for another second place.

It's a bitch to make it that far and not be able to win it all, but considering how much I play these days, I think I did pretty well this weekend.

Of course, it's not like we're professionals in the World Series of Poker playing for millions of dollars. But when we went to Vegas last year, a few of our players did do some cleaning up.

Me? I just pimped it...



BTW - you can see Binion's in the backround of this picture. Minutes before it was taken I was about two minutes from being kicked out of their casino. Apparently they didn't care for how I rocked their blackjack tables... Actually they didn't care for how I bent the cards at their blackjack tables...

Nick

All you have to do is configure the name server...

So I told you (and I mean you, as in the one person reading...) that I was working on learning to set up a real website. Well, I thought I had everything figured out and have been waiting to upload WordPress to my new home for the past couple of days. Only it wasn't working. The website that is hosting my website was giving me some horrible error message. One I didn't understand but was hoping someone with superior interwebbing knowledge would magically fix for me while I slept.

After three days of waiting I came to the conclusion I have no superior knowledge holding geek in shining armor watching over me. And I set about the horrid depths of www.people-who-know-too-much-about-interwebbing.com/forums. Because certainly someone has had this same exact problem before.

So I looked up - "how do I get this nasty error message to leave me and my new website alone so we can play nicely together?"

And this is what I found in return:

"You have to complete the DNS update on your domain website so your hosting website will recognize your website."

Well, I didn't understand a damn word of that. So after pleading with the forum for something written in a language somewhat resembling English, I was able to find this:

"All you have to do is go to your domain website and configure the name server. Then in 48-72 hours you should be good to go."

Wow, really?! That's ALL I have to do? Configure the name server on my domain website? Well duh, huh? Oh you silly interweb, how you've gotten the best of me this time...

Wait, 48-72 hours??? What the hell takes 48-72 hours on the interweb? Does someone have to walk my name server configuration from my domain website (probably in Russia) to my hosting website (probably somewhere high in the Himalayas)???

I just realized that everywhere in the Himalayas is probably high. And everyone for that matter... Now get walking so I can play with my damn website!

Nick

Hey, stand down, I was here first!

So I'm reading the Drudge Report today and what do I come across? Some dumb bitch stealing my idea from like 3 years ago to auction yourself off for money. Well, forgive me for not being some slutty "virgin"...

$3.7 million for one night with that? Shit... I'll be your lifelong slave (sexual or otherwise) for a whole hell of a lot less than that.

Nick

5 dollar foot... up your ass...

Am I the only one who wants to stick something metal and sharp into my forehead when one of these stupid Subway commercials comes on? And now they have regular people on the street trying to sing the stupid thing??? My god... it's the worst possible combination... a stupid fuckin' commercial combined with karaoke.

The worst part is, I used to like Subway. Now I'm thinking the only solution is holy war.

Speaking of stabbing myself in the forehead... I've been trying to teach myself how to create a website. Not a blog type website, a real website. With WordPress. And hosts and domains. And subdomains. And php. And MySQL... whatever the fuck that even means. I'm beginning to think I'd have better luck bring peace to the Middle East.

See how I started off with stabbing myself in the forehead, threw in some holy war, and then did it all over again in the very next paragraph? This is what you've been missing over the past few months. It's geniusness of the written word.

All this stabbing myself in the forehead business has given me a headache. Thank you interweb...

nick

Hanging with my boyz...

"Dudes! Where'd Jimmy go?!"

nick

Is it still October???

So yeah, I guess it's been a couple of months since I've written here huh? Let's just pretend I've been writing here the whole time, k? No? Alright, well, what have I been up to?

Well, for starters, I bought a poker league. Actually, I just bought all the equipment to run a poker league. Fun huh? Unfortunately that means I don't get to play too much these days, but, life is tough I guess.

I also still have a kid. Yup. It's true. And he's also a gambling addict. See?



I also joined Facebook. It's not as emo (cool as hell) as blogging, but it makes me feel like I still have some friends.

I traced Braeden's family tree back to, oh, the beginning of time. Yeah, since I'm still not allowed to blog at work, I had to find something to fill in the time. So I started researching the 'ole family tree. More on that later I would imagine...

I've developed a very unhealthy obsession with Spongebob Squarepants. Well, Braeden and I have. Yeah, I know, it's not the most educational programming television has to offer. But if we ever need to rule a bikini bottom, Braeden and (or more likely, or) I are on top of it. Figuratively, not literally.

I still drink more than I should and enjoy sex.

And I miss blogging more than ever. So begins another more than likely failed attempt at reviving this blog.

nick

T'was the year 19hairybush...

Hot wife: "So guess what? We were checking out a house today* and Jane** found a big box of porn. She took it home for her boyfriend."

Me: "I bet he was pretty happy about that."

Hot wife: "Yeah, but it was pretty old porn... probably from the year 19... hairy bush..."

Me: "19hairybush?"

Hot wife: "Yeah.. 19hairybush."

Me: "That was not a good year for porn..."

Hot wife: "Definitely not."

*Hot wife is in real estate.

**Name changed to protect the innocent... porn thief...

Nick

Spongebob Squarepants leads to child abuse...

As you probably know, I love Spongebob Squarepants. Who cares about hot child, he watches it because it's all I will allow on the tv. Anyways, to make a long story short, being the music fan I am, I was looking for Spongebob songs on youtube. In particular I was looking for the song Gary Come Home. It's a classic. Observe:



But, soon after I found that, I discovered something so heinous. So. Fucking. Wrong.



Now, don't get me wrong. I would never pick on a kid. His parents on the other hand deserve some serious jail time. For one, if there was some backround music at least, maybe your kid's voice wouldn't sound like a bad car accident. And actually the foot stomping and finger waving don't help. But besides that, who the fuck dressed this kid? Uh... you're going to be on YOUTUBE! Singing! And not very well I might add. The least you could do is, oh I don't know... wear matching clothes?!

Poor, poor kid. Don't worry bud, it's not your fault your parents are assholes.

Sad. So so sad.

Nick

Awesome fall haircut #1

Pumpkins: $2 each

Paint and paint brushes: $6

Letting mom cut your hair: not a good idea

Nick

Ig Nobel is German for stupid...

I haven't written much lately, I know. Mainly because when I usually write, on my lunch hour at work, I have been researching our family tree. It sounds dumb, but as you may or may not know I'm a history fanatic, and really, what better history than your own? Anyways... I thought since I have a second, I'd pop in. And funny you (actually I) should mention pop (or as us Wisconsinites call it - soda).

I read an article today about something called the Ig Nobels. What is that you ask? It's essentially a stupid prize. You create something stupid, research something stupid... you get an award. Because in this country, for some reason, we insist on recognizing, and in some cases rewarding stupidity.

Well kids, one of the latest winners deserves a big fuckin' prize for stupidity. For researching Coke (the soft drink, you druggies) for it's spermicidal qualities. And discovering that it... are you sitting down? BLOWS UP SPERM!

Yeah, that's right. Some dumbass heard that people were using Coke to apparently not get pregnant, tested it, and BLEW UP SPERM! Sperm. Blew it up. With Coke.

"It definitely wouldn't work as a contraceptive because sperm swims so fast," Deborah Anderson said. But Coke made with sugar quickly kills sperm, she said, probably because sperm soak it up. "The sperm just kind of explode," she said in a telephone interview.

Is that supposed to be funny or something? The sperm just kind of explode?

Here's an idea for some research... let's take the building block of life, mix it some with Coke and BLOW IT THE FUCK UP! Better yet, let's take Deborah Anderson, mix her with some Coke, and blow her the fuck up.

Leave. The. Sperm. Alone.

And damn you Coke. Damn you.

Nick