I know a lot of people, but I don't have any friends...

I was reading over my horoscope this morning, as I do every morning. You never know when it may contain valuable information. I know when it doesn't, which is every day, but I read it anyways. I don't really believe in horoscopes, but then, I don't believe in the Easter Bunny either, and I still eat a shit load of candy on Easter.

So, today, my horoscope started in this fashion:

Memories of an awkward moment in a friendship still hang in the air -- don't you think it's time for one of you to reach out and make an effort to reconnect?

I thought, wow, that makes sense. But then, all of my friendships are full of awkward moments, which one are they talking about? I've just never been a very good friend. I think mostly because I despise the telephone, and thus, I never call my friends and I often avoid any incoming calls. I figure if I don't want to hang out, what's the point of talking on the phone? If I can't reduce a phone call to "what time do you want to meet at the bar?", it involves too much talking, and I hate talking on the phone. And when I say hate, I really mean really fucking hate.

And then I started to think about what it would be like to have that one friend that you're always with. You don't have to call them up, they're just there. Or you're just there. When you look at some of the more famous friendships of our time, they were never talking on the phone. There were never awkward moments. Why can't I have a friendship like that?

Like, for example, Norm and Cliff.



You know they never had to call each other on the phone. They always met at the bar. It's nice and simple. Not complicated and awkward.

Or George and Jerry.



George would just pop over, ring the buzzer, and they would hang out. He never called and said, "Hey, whatchya doin'?" And Jerry never replied, "Nothin. You?"

Or what about Balki and... that other dude?



Uh. Yeah, I don't know about that one...

Here's a good one though, Joey and Chandler.



Of course, they lived together, so that's a little different. And they had a foosball table, which would just eliminate the awkwardness altogether. Then you could just call your friend and say, "Hey, I'm coming over for some foosball. I'll bring some beer too." It's all good.

You know what would really be the best friend situation though? Being friends with the cast of Three's Company...



Oh, who am I kidding. I really would have just loved to be Jack. That guy had it made... But, can't really say that that got him anywhere, can ya?

I guess, when you think about it, having good friends never got any of these people anywhere. Except cancelled. Maybe I'm better off not having any friends.

Nick