Give me dignity, or give me death...

I'm not one of those people who believes that everything happens for a reason. There are a lot of things in my life that have happened, and I see absolutely no reason for them happening. But I truly do believe that there is a reason for us having a boy.

Sure, if we had a girl, there would be things that I could teach her. Like how to round house kick some pervert to the face. Or how to tie her shoes. Things of that nature. But I believe that my true calling in life is to teach my son how women work. Because let's face it, after almost 10 years of being with the hot wife, I've acquired an unrivaled database of knowledge about women. Sure, some men think they know it all because they have been with various women for varying amounts of time. But only after you have truly gained the trust of a woman, and lived with them, do you truly understand how a woman's mind works...

Fast forward 5 years...

"Son, there are some things that you need to understand about girls. Clearly you are a good looking kid, and I'm sure all the girls at school are madly in love with you. But don't waste your time with relationships with them. Let's just focus on your hockey until you're... 28... 29....

See Braeden, you go getting messed up with some chick, and the next thing you know you're waking up married, 26 years old with a kid on the way, you've been thinking you're decent looking guy that at least some women are thinking they would be lucky to have... when in reality, you're 15 pounds overweight, you're working a go nowhere job in some cube farm and you know what the worst part is kid? You don't even make your wife's top 5 hottest guys... Not even number 5."

"Did you make Mom's list of top 5 hottest guys?"

"F$%& no kid. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Girls are just going to steal your heart. And when they've ripped that from your pathetic body, then they steal all your money. And just when you think you've got nothing left to steal, they go and steal what little dignity you had left."

"I didn’t make Mom's list of top 5 hottest guys either..."

"See, now that's wrong... C'mon kid, let's go grab a beer."

Nick

The DILF List

Proving that I can't stick to my guns on anything, I've ended the commenting boycott and commented on Dawn's blog about her list of female celebrities. I love these kinds of lists, and the only thing that has prevented me from doing one in the past is I've never been asked... and, honestly, I like sleeping in my own bed as opposed to the couch... But since I commented that none of Dawn's favorite ladies would make my list, I was challenged to produce my own.*

So, with that, DILF's favorite ladies:

Of course, #1 is a no brainer. By far the hottest chick to ever grace the planet. My wife...


#2 I think I would have to go with one of my childhood crushes here. From the days of Firestarter and E.T., to a spread in Playboy that I'm sure a lot of high school boys spent way too much time with, to one of my favorite movies, Wedding Singer... Drew Berrymore.


#3 my wife refers to as "my girlfriend". Which I should be careful with, considering the movie I first seen her in, she plays a high school student... Elisha Cuthbert.


#4. I thought about this one for a while, because I've heard she is a bitch in real life. Being a bitch is a major turn off. But, she plays guitar, and has a pretty... voice... Jewel.


#5. First she has sex right after meeting the guy, lies about being a virgin, and then turns out to be a really dumb nympho. What more could a guy ask for? Isla Fisher.


#6 really isn't known for much, other than the slutty friend in American Beauty. By the way, don't you just want to kill the mom in that movie? What a bitch. Anyways, not for her role in American Beauty, but in Loser, with that guy from American Pie... Mena Suvari.


If I have to sleep on the couch tonight, I blame you Dawn...

*I actually did do one (click here), but it wasn't a very good one...

Nick

Bring your green hat...

I always get these industry emails at work. And one of them this morning had a job opening for a pick-up truck tonneau cover company. In Long Beach, CA.

And it made me think back to my days hangin' with Snoop. Snoop a Loop.



I'll always be a balla at heart.

Nick

O'Doyle rules!

One of the things that I am afraid of passing on to our son is my contempt for authority. Well, maybe that's a bit harsh. I'm not exactly an outcast or a squatter or anything like that. But I have always been a very independent person. And that could be because I was the only boy in a family of three kids, so I always played with myself. Literally...

I hate when people tell me what to do, or make plans for me (just ask the hot wife), or try to get me to believe something I don't want to believe, or agree with something I don't want to agree with, or what have you.

On one hand, being independent can be a good thing, but I can see it leading to problems for the lad as well. I guess because I know what it's like going through life like that.

Just take simple things like religion and politics. I don't believe in God, and I have voted Republican almost every time I have voted. Try bringing that up in a conversation these days... I've come close to kicking friends out of my house before because people will just freak out when they hear such nonsense. "How could you vote for George Bush?! Don't you know he's responsible for blowing up the World Trade Center??!!" "If you don't believe in God, you're going to hell." "How could you not believe in God but vote Republican? Don't you know they are anti-business?"

But I don't give a f&*% what other people think. In fact, the more what I do or think pisses people off, the more I want to do or think it. Being offensive is humorous to me. But I'm not real sure that this is a trait I want to pass on to my child. Do I want to be the person who gives my kid a mohawk just so old people look and say, "Oh goodness, that poor child..." and we can flip them off together? Do I want to dress my kid like a punk so people think we neglect him and let him do whatever he wants at two years old? And then when they say something I can tell them to f$%* off and mind their own business?

F$%* it. My kid is going to kick your kids ass...

Nick

......I'm not exactly sure why I still refuse to not spell F$%* correctly. I guess I want to be offensive, and yet, kid friendly.... I'm weird like that.

Are you EIGHTEEN?!??!?!?!!

T-minus 12 hours until Alice Cooper...

Other than that, not much else has been happening, thus the lack of posts. We did get out to Target to register for the baby shower last night. And I realized how much crap we're soon going to have in our house. Bottles, bottle holders, bottle sanitizers, bottle warmers, toys, teethers, jumpers, walkers...

We'll have no room for the actual kid, but we'll have lots of stuff to make it look like we have a kid.

I am still at a loss for how you all dress your kids. I just refuse to dress my kid like a dork. And that means we cannot shop for clothes at Target. Or Walmart. Or basically any mainstream, run of the mill department store. Hey, I remember what it was like for us in the '80s, when it looked like everyone shopped at thrift stores for their clothes. And the shoes came from the penny candy store down the street.

The technology exists these days to dress children in real fashion. Let's take advantage of it.



*Update - I just received word that the hot wife has made an Alice Cooper sighting on Main St. I instructed her to wait outside of his hotel until he gets back and not leave him alone until he blesses our child.

Now when people so foolishly ask me whether a I believe in God, I will say, "Yes, of course. My wife saw him leaving his hotel and said 'good morning' to him. He played the fair, and although we didn't go see him, we could hear him from our house. SCHOOL'S OUT FOR EVER!!!"

Nick

We have truck loads of sex...

The last few weeks the hot wife and I have been diligently watching a show on TLC called A Baby Story. Actually, she watches and I play online poker on the laptop. I watch whenever I fold early, which is a lot... I watch a lot.

If you haven't watched the show, they basically follow around a couple who are expecting a child through the pregnancy and the delivery. It's interesting for us because it gives some kind of idea of what to expect, and a wide variety of possible situations we may find ourselves in come November (hopefully).

So far, other than the lady who was going to use a pretty bitchy midwife and what looked like a pool of chemical sludge, but ended up going to the hospital where the drugs be at, it's been some pretty normal situations. Most go off without a hitch.

Until yesterday, when I was shocked and saddened, and then maddened. Not one, but two couples we watched yesterday said their sex life during pregnancy was non-existent. All of them claimed they had needs, but there was no time, or no energy, or this excuse and that excuse. One fella even said, "Everyone says your sex life is going to be great... I'd like to meet that couple... hardy har har..."

So the hot wife and I actually paused having some of the most satisfying and gratifying and gravity defying sex known to man or woman, and tried to reach the poor lad via the telephone. To no avail. Back to the sex.

I felt bad for him. Because I don't care what anyone says, if you aren't having any sex during pregnancy, you probably weren't having much before, and you definitely aren't getting any afterwards. I just wanted to hug him and console him and tell him that everything will be alright (with the divorce) and there is still some hope yet (hookers).

Don't get me wrong, the sex life during pregnancy... I wouldn't call it great necessarily. It's fun, and it's satisfying, if you put some effort into it. Certainly you can't do all of the things you did pre-pregnancy, like getting super drunk and having "how are my underwear downstairs, yet my pants in the shower" sex.

But no sex? For nine plus months?

Listen, no sex is never an option unless one of you is receiving Social Security benefits, either for old age or disability. Make time. Make energy. The dishes can wait 5 minutes... or why not do it while doing the dishes? Or the laundry... Or... while, playing poker online....

Nick

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Yesterday as the hot wife and I sat in the Dairy Queen drive-thru waiting for heavenly bliss, also known as a snicker's blizzard, she turned to me and asked me if I was ready for my new name to be Daddy. I don't know, women are weird like that. They just ask you the weirdest questions, and they come out of nowhere. We weren't talking about the kid, or being parents. Just sitting there, waiting.

I don't expect being called Daddy will be all that strange. I didn't give it much thought really, but no, I don't think it will be all that different. It wasn't that different when I went from boyfriend to fiance to husband. By the way, doesn't being called fiance make you feel all yuppyish? I never really got used to it.

Anyways, I didn't really think about the Daddy discussion much until we had the hot wife's sister and her three boys over later that day. The two older boys were watching a movie and I was playing some online poker on the laptop on the couch. The older boys pretty much stay to themselves, but the youngest is at the age where he clings to you and wants to be a part of everything you do. Which is a new thing for me. I will get over being called Daddy in about three seconds, but a clingy little boy I may never get used to. And the questions... and the questions... and the questions...

"Uncle Nick, are those wolves?" (in the movie)
"No, they're Siberian Huskies."

"Why are they white?"
"Probably so they blend in with the snow."

"Are Cleo and Natron Huskies?"
"No, they're Rottweilers."

"What if they were Huskies and Rottweilers?"
"Then......... they would be Huskweilers."

"Can you break the tv with your foot?"
"Sure."

"Can you break the Nintendo with your foot?"
"Sure."

"Can you break the tv with your ear?"
"..... probably."

"You cannot, that's impossible."
"No, it's not, I do it all the time."

"Can you swim in a lake?"
"Sure."

"What if the lake was 100 feet in the air?"
"What? How is a lake 100 feet in the air?"

".... can you break this table with your ear?"
"No, my Dad made that table."

"What are those?"
"Those are poker chips. Don't touch the computer screen."

"What will happen?"
"Don't touch. You will break it."

"What color will it turn?"
"Don't touch. It won't turn any color, it will be broke."

"Will it turn black?"
"Yes."

".... can you break the computer with your foot?"
"Why don't you go ask Aunt Amy to grab Uncle Nick the fullest bottle of liquor we have?"

Uncle Nick

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Yesterday as the hot wife and I sat in the Dairy Queen drive-thru waiting for heavenly bliss, also known as a snicker's blizzard, she turned to me and asked me if I was ready for my new name to be Daddy. I don't know, women are weird like that. They just ask you the weirdest questions, and they come out of nowhere. We weren't talking about the kid, or being parents. Just sitting there, waiting.

I don't expect being called Daddy will be all that strange. I didn't give it much thought really, but no, I don't think it will be all that different. It wasn't that different when I went from boyfriend to fiance to husband. By the way, doesn't being called fiance make you feel all yuppyish? I never really got used to it.

Anyways, I didn't really think about the Daddy discussion much until we had the hot wife's sister and her three boys over later that day. The two older boys were watching a movie and I was playing some online poker on the laptop on the couch. The older boys pretty much stay to themselves, but the youngest is at the age where he clings to you and wants to be a part of everything you do. Which is a new thing for me. I will get over being called Daddy in about three seconds, but a clingy little boy I may never get used to. And the questions... and the questions... and the questions...

"Uncle Nick, are those wolves?" (in the movie)
"No, they're Siberian Huskies."

"Why are they white?"
"Probably so they blend in with the snow."

"Are Cleo and Natron Huskies?"
"No, they're Rottweilers."

"What if they were Huskies and Rottweilers?"
"Then......... they would be Huskweilers."

"Can you break the tv with your foot?"
"Sure."

"Can you break the Nintendo with your foot?"
"Sure."

"Can you break the tv with your ear?"
"..... probably."

"You cannot, that's impossible."
"No, it's not, I do it all the time."

"Can you swim in a lake?"
"Sure."

"What if the lake was 100 feet in the air?"
"What? How is a lake 100 feet in the air?"

".... can you break this table with your ear?"
"No, my Dad made that table."

"What are those?"
"Those are poker chips. Don't touch the computer screen."

"What will happen?"
"Don't touch. You will break it."

"What color will it turn?"
"Don't touch. It won't turn any color, it will be broke."

"Will it turn black?"
"Yes."

".... can you break the computer with your foot?"
"Why don't you go ask Aunt Amy to grab Uncle Nick the fullest bottle of liquor we have?"

Uncle Nick

Time for a new look

I'm trying out a slightly different look for a while. The blue was making me nauseous.

If you can't see the different backround/banner, try clearing out the cache and hitting refresh several hundred times.

If that doesn't work, grab a few beers and come back. When it finally changes colors, stop drinking and start reading.

Nick

What the...

Fast forward a couple of years...

"daddy, why do you look like Santa Claus?"

"Well Braeden, because Aunttie Ann and Uncle Nick kept leaving their Miller F$&*ING Lite at our house every time they would come to visit. So naturally I had to drink it to cleanse the fridge of all of it's bad habits, of which there are many... like growing chocolate and cheese cake and all that yummy stuff. And the grey hair, well, dammit, that's just genetics. You just wait, you little shit."

"what's gemneticicks?"

"Go ask your mother... And grab me a beer on the way back."

Nick

I bet you think this post is about you...

It's kind of sad that when we were kids, our summer vacation was about three months. Now as adults, it's a four day weekend over the Fourth of July. And now it's over, with really the only thing to look forward to is the current week is only three work days. Woo fricken hoo...

This will not be a week to look forward to though. Let's break down why...

- I'm fat. And back out of shape. So the diet and exercise are back. For good. I have some soup for lunch instead of Taco Bell, and I'm going to force myself back into running again. And the worst part... no more alcohol.

- Except for one night when I have to take my friend out for a drink to convince him to divorce his devil wife. The hot wife and I have mentioned this couple before. Mainly her. She never shuts the hell up, and she talks about stuff that no one besides her could ever possibly care about. Like the fact that all retarded children apparently have some weird DNA marker that causes the palm of their hands to come together in a straight line when you bring your fingers towards your palm. Go ahead, try, I'll wait.

Isn't that the stupidest thing you have ever done? Or heard?

Anyways, this bitch needs to be shunned by society asap. And I refuse to be in her presence ever again. Normally I would try to help save a relationship if I felt I could help, but I just hate her. And he hates her, I know it. I just need to convince him of that.

- Did I mention no more alcohol? Or Taco Bell? Life, why are you so mean?

I guess that's not as bad as I thought. I just seriously need to get back into shape and stop slacking so much. It's a good thing really, or will be. The getting in shape I mean, not shunning Taco Bell or telling my friend to kill, er, divorce his wife. Those are bad things.

But you must balance the negative with the positive things in life. So I have started another project. It's something I have never done before and I don't know if I am any good at. Writing fiction. I want to keep this blog around, but really intended it to be more of a daddy blog. And there just isn't much of that these days. There will be though I'm sure and I think writing about it will help. Then. But now I need something else, so I think the fiction blog will help with that.

I don't think I will advertise it here, but if you email I might share the address with you. I might not. I don't really want a biased audience though. I want to see what I can develop from scratch.

Comments will be briefly allowed so you can wish me luck. Don't abuse the priviledge...

Nick